View Full Version : My history of anxiety (long post)


WhiteOwl
10-02-17, 11:26 PM
I just received my official diagnosis of general and social anxiety, although I unofficially diagnosed myself a couple years ago. I just wanted to share some of what I have gone through and see if anyone has had a similar experience or can relate. I've never talked about this with anyone before, because I never knew anyone who would understand.

I believe I was born with symptoms of anxiety because I can remember some of the nervous habits I had as a young child, but the social anxiety started about the time I entered Middle School. I had a verbally abusive father, who yelled, ranted, called us names, etc. We (my mom, my sister and I) could never do anything right, anything could set him off and we had to walk on eggshells. I had always thought this didn't have much of an effect on me, that I just brushed it off. I am only now realizing how much of a detrimental effect it had on me and I now believe it is the main source of the low self esteem I have had all my life, why I have always been so unsure of everything I say and do, waiting for someone to criticize me and tell me why I'm wrong.

Middle School was when things got very awkward and I became very withdrawn. Besides the bullying from my dad, there were a few girls at school who bullied me, but I just ignored it and it didn't escalate to anything physical. Just calling me ugly and stuff like that, and I agreed with them. I didn't have any real friends, I sat alone at lunch, I tried to be invisible. There were a few people who tried to be friends with me, but I always sabotaged those attempts with my anxiety. It was just very painful, but I did enjoy the school itself, the learning (at least what I managed to learn when I wasn't daydreaming).

When I started High School no one bullied me, but by that time my self esteem was so low and I had such a warped view of myself, that I still kept to myself and avoided people. I felt like no one would like me, that I wasn't good enough, like I didn't fit in anywhere. I never even stepped foot into the cafeteria. I took a snack bar for lunch and ate alone at one of the study tables. That part is really embarrassing to admit. Like, really embarrassing. I always felt like everyone was staring at me and criticizing everything I did. Giving speeches was torture. I stared at the floor, while my heart raced, I could barely breathe and my face flushed red. I was especially shy with boys. One time, a boy started talking to me, with his friends standing right there, and then he said, "Does your face always turn bright red like that when a boy talks to you?" I wanted to die. And no, I didn't even have a crush on him or anything like that. I'll tell you, I don't know how, but I never let that happen again, I found some way to control it. I could tell more embarrassing stories, but I think I've embarrassed myself enough now. I just want to be brutally honest with how bad it was, so if anyone can relate, they know they're not alone.

My life consisted of going to school, then going home to take care of my younger sister while my parents were still working, cleaning the house (I was a neat freak and didn't want my mom to have to clean after long hours at work), sometimes making a simple dinner, doing my homework, and reading books (they were my escape). I never went out with friends (kind of hard to, when you don't have any), not even on the weekends. I didn't really mind it too much, though, I never wanted to do the partying or whatever it was the cool kids did. I liked my books. I was not able to leave my house alone and walk even one block away. The thought of anyone seeing me, scared me. I thought they would stare at me and criticize me. I thought I would do something stupid and look like a fool. I know it's not logical, but that is how warped my thinking was (and still is!).

Anyways, I some how survived High School, but didn't know where to go from there. I didn't know anything about college for some reason. My parents never talked to me about it and the school didn't really do a good job of preparing us for it. I was too shy to ask anyone and the thought of applying/interviewing for college, terrified me. It was just out of the question. Not to mention the fear of being rejected. I got a letter in the mail from an Air Force recruiter and I thought that seemed appealing. They wouldn't reject me, I wouldn't have to ask anyone what to do or try to figure it out myself, they would just tell me what to do! Long story short, I ended up getting sworn into the military and left for basic training. Of course, it caused me a lot of anxiety and I had panic attacks. I was surprised I made it through and they didn't send me back home. I ended up staying in the military for 8 yrs and many people would see that as an accomplishment. But nope, my struggles with anxiety, ADD, and low self esteem have followed me all throughout life and made everything so excruciatingly difficult. I did learn to cope with some things because I had no other choice, I had to. But I think the stress has taken years off my life.

I only wish I had been diagnosed as a child, or at least in the military. Things could have been so different, so much easier. Maybe I wouldn't feel like such a failure at everything I've ever done. Anxiety caused so many problems at my job, led to an unhealthy and abusive marriage, ruined my social life, poisoned just every aspect of my life. It is still so bad after all these years, that I am finally seeking treatment.

I have more I want to say about anxiety, but this post is already too long. I mainly just wanted to see if anyone can relate to any of this. Like I said, I've never told anyone. It feels really good share. I've always felt so much shame and basically just hated myself. I beat myself up every day, it seems like.

hutchie0109
10-03-17, 05:44 AM
I was in the forces too, now on disability, thought with all the coping mechanisms, life skills and self help stuff that teaches you how to be a mainstreamer/normal, things are supposed to get better with time as people keep saying, things just get much worse.

stef
10-03-17, 06:08 AM
I'm glad you are seeking treatment,
and I think it's very admirable that you were in the military!

aeon
10-03-17, 08:39 AM
I can appreciate that you feel embarrassed, but in truth, you did the best you could given your skills and resources as limited by your situation, and no one has anything to be embarrassed about with that.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you realize that it was a first step and sign of your healing and growth toward being the person you want to be.


Cheers,
Ian

WhiteOwl
10-04-17, 03:10 AM
I was in the forces too, now on disability, thought with all the coping mechanisms, life skills and self help stuff that teaches you how to be a mainstreamer/normal, things are supposed to get better with time as people keep saying, things just get much worse.

Yes! I feel like with all my life experiences, I should be able to "adult" so much better. I've always been envious of the people that have all their crap together. I feel like a child compared to them! I've always felt like I'm just going through the motions of trying to be normal. I did all the "normal" things, having a career and a family. But that hasn't stopped me from feeling like a failure at everything and constantly beating myself up about it.

WhiteOwl
10-04-17, 03:20 AM
I can appreciate that you feel embarrassed, but in truth, you did the best you could given your skills and resources as limited by your situation, and no one has anything to be embarrassed about with that.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you realize that it was a first step and sign of your healing and growth toward being the person you want to be.


Cheers,
Ian

Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't know if any amount of therapy will ever help with this. I hope it will and I'm going to try. I'm becoming more aware how many times I have thoughts of being worthless, not good enough, a failure, every single day. I don't know how to stop. I can laugh at some things, but then hate myself the next minute. I can't think of one thing I've ever done that deserves this type of treatment. It's not like I committed some heinous crime or anything. I've always just tried to do my best and be a decent person. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much. I tried my best and my best still sucked.

I'm just glad I've always had an optimistic personality because I think that's the only thing that has gotten me through it all. Always believe things would get better, and maybe they will now.

WhiteOwl
10-04-17, 04:29 AM
And now I feel bad for speaking so negatively. I don't like sounding like this. But talking about it has helped me to identify some of the things I need to talk about with my therapist. Thank you for "listening" and offering helpful words.

KitCat
10-06-17, 03:13 PM
I can SO relate to what you are describing! Over the years I've learned something - everyone is struggling in some way, no matter how they present their selves to the world. In fact, I have often found that those who initially come off as having all their "crap together" are usually the ones who struggle the most. Some are masters at hiding it. Keep that in mind. ;)

Negativity gets the best of all of us from time to time. Just remember, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. We all have our joys and sadness. That is life. We just have to figure out what works best for us as far as coping with all that life brings our way. Most importantly, we need to learn how to accept ourselves as we are. Change what we can, while embracing and making the most of what we can't. I must remind myself of this all the time. It's hard. I absolutely get where you are coming from. Self-loathing and regret are my constant companions. That's some negativity galore right there with those two! :eek: lol

In my early 20s, I was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Although our stories are different, I can relate to some of the experiences you had while young. My family life was what most would call "normal". However, like you, I found it quite hard to fit in at school. Extremely shy, and unsure of myself, yet I would often talk too much at the wrong times. Making friends came easy; keeping them was another story all together.

You talked about avoiding the cafeteria while in high school and avoiding people. I did this too! During grade school I don't recall having much anxiety over lunchtime. Now, it was a different story during high school. Especially when I moved to a different city, and thus a different school at the very end of my sophomore year. Like you, I absolutely dreaded walking into the cafeteria. I would go and sit in the library instead. Sometimes, I wouldn't even eat. I'd just read a book. Being in a large crowd like that was unnerving. Felt like ALL eyes were on me. Seeing all my flaws and imperfections. I know they weren't but it felt that way. It's good to remind ourselves that most people are too preoccupied with what is going on in their own personal bubble to even notice us! :giggle: Still though, pretty much all big "get togethers" like that still get to me. I am much better off in a small group, or preferably one-on-one.

Some kids can be mean with their name-calling. Before I had braces, I was teased and called Bugs Bunny. Needless to say, it upset me a lot. My cheeks also become flushed when my anxiety kicks into high gear. Sometimes tears flow as well. So, it takes a lot of effort on my part to act as if I'm not bothered by someone's unkindness.

My emotions have always been elevated. When I feel, I feel deeply. I am simply unable to hide my emotional state. My mother has always told me there is no denying what I am feeling or thinking. I don't even have to speak. My face and body language will give me away every single time! But, hey, I look at this way, no one can ever accuse me of being fake, I'm incapable of being anything than what I am. LOL Sometimes if you look at what you consider to be a personality flaw in a different way, it's not as bad as you think! :o

How amazing that you served in the military for 8 years! This is a tremendous accomplishment!! Take pride in that. Seriously give yourself some major credit. :yes:

My parents never discussed college with me either. I don't know why. They just didn't. My father did earn a college degree. My mother did not. Both of them worked full-time jobs during my childhood. Both always set a good example for me and my brother as far as being responsible hard workers. All of our basic needs were met, and then some. College never came across as being high on their list of expectations from me.

When I reflect back, I feel my parents took care of so many things for me, that I didn't acquire all the skills I needed to function independently as an adult. My mother was extremely overprotective. Being alone is a great struggle for me. One of the (many, many) reasons I put up with more than I should in relationships. I've found that I depend on others a great deal for my self-worth. Working on this. But, at 46 years old, it's kind of a hard habit to break. :lol:

And, you know what? Like they always say - it can always be worse. Someone will always have it better, and someone will always have it worse. Honestly, I have no complaints on how I was raised. For me, when I reflect back on my childhood it is not to place blame on my parents, but to gain a better understanding of why I respond to life's experiences as I do. Now that I am taking an analytical approach to discovering who I am and why, I find it quite interesting!

Our childhood, the environment we grow up in, good, bad, or somewhere in between, combined with our genetic makeup, create the type of adult we become. Undoubtedly, negative experiences will hinder us. Yet, we can always count on the positive ones to lift us up. Actually, come to think of it, even some of the most difficult things I've endured I was able to find some amount of good that came from it. At the very least, it made me stronger! We just have to find a way to keep our focus on those things that we thrive on.

I am SO very sorry to learn your father treated you as he did. :( I am able to empathize with you on some level because I have dealt with what you described in a relationship. In many ways, I believe emotional and verbal abuse to be far worse than physical abuse. That is strictly my opinion. Someone may view it differently. To me physical abuse causes emotional abuse on some level. From my experience, physical abuse usually follows the verbal and emotional attacks. So, no matter what type of abuse someone endures, it inevitably will chip away at their self-esteem.

You know what my #1 goal in life was? To be a wife and mother. That was it! LOL I had no other aspirations. Did get married. Did have children. But, oh my gosh, one summer it just all went down hill.

My husband after 13 years decided he didn't want to be married anymore. It wasn't a great marriage, but I was committed and would have NEVER dreamed of divorcing. I believed there wasn't anything we couldn't conquer. Unfortunately, as we all know, for a marriage to survive it takes effort from both spouses. My spouse had no desire to work anything out. Looking back, I now know he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He also fits all the criteria of having narcissistic personality disorder. (It was actually his girlfriend, that he moved in with after leaving us, that came to this realization after being with him for 5 years.) Admittedly, I wasn't innocent. No one is. Everyone has issues. I know I can be hard to deal with. At the time I was suffering from bouts of depression off and on, so I'm sure that was hard for him to handle. However, I was striving to face my demons head on by actively seeking help. Desperately trying to save our family. Our kids were only 10 and 5 at the time. My willingness to make changes, our children, thirteen years of marriage - none of this mattered to him.

After attending only one marriage counseling session, he decided it was all me, not him. So, he left. Man, did I ever feel like a failure. I grieved over the loss of my marriage, my family, for 3 years. Only recently have I been able to come to terms that I did everything I could. I didn't fail.

You haven't failed either! You have found ways to cope and you have survived. You have grown as a person through your life experiences. You have sought help when needed. You are striving for improvement. So, you most certainly are not a failure. I TOTALLY agree with what aeon said - "...you did the best you could given your skills and resources as limited by your situation..."

Not being diagnosed as a child has also bothered me. I felt as you do - what could I have been if only...? I can't tell you how many attempts I made at different things while growing up, yet never fully followed through.

Yes, just as you described, even simple things like oral reports could be the trigger of an anxiety attack. Geeze, my heart would race just with the thought of it. As soon as it was assigned I would start to hyperventilate! Oh, I would do the work, however, when it came time to present in front of my high school peers, I would actually opt to take a zero for the grade in order to avoid possibly making a fool of myself. It was a 'darned if you do, darned if you don't' kind of situation for me. My grades were very important, however, when I was young, my anxiety won out nine times out of ten. It wasn't until much later that I fully developed my coping mechanisms. Taking a zero felt like a HUGE failure. There's another hit to my self-confidence. Not being strong enough to get in front of my peers also felt like a big failure.

While growing up, more often than not I would end up feeling like a failure. Imagine if I had been on meds then? Or, at least had someone helping me learn to fully cope with my disorders. Woulda, shoulda, coulda... So, ok, that wasn't the case. BUT something positive I can focus on now is how even though I had an unknown double whammy against me while growing up - ADHD and anxiety - I still managed to graduate from high school and make it to adulthood. Woohoo! ;):D

It would be extremely difficult for me to adequately express to others how messed up I feel at times. Being trapped inside my own head. Scatterbrained. Anxious. Unfocused. My brain does not shut off. Always thinking. Things looping over and over and over again. Nervous about everything. Constant self-doubt. Low self-esteem. No confidence. Nagging indecisiveness. But you know what?? I am making a conscious effort to finally break free from these chains. You can too!! I can relinquish some of my regret because now I know it is just how I was made and many things are out of my control.

Oh, I did finally finish college and earned my BA. Took me until the age of 37, but hey, I did it! Besides giving birth to my kids, this is my only other BIG accomplishment. Especially since I graduated with a 4.0 gpa. At that point in my life, I was extremely determined. I was out to prove something to myself. It wasn't easy though. I worked my butt off, along with having several little mini-breakdowns. :lol:

Thank you for sharing some of your story. Venting is somewhat therapeutic, isn't it?. Must be! Cause I just typed a ton! Promise I did not plan on my response being sooooo long!! :giggle:

Hopefully though, through me sharing some of my experiences and thoughts, you will find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

And, for anyone who took the time to read my lengthy post allllll the way through - thanks for caring enough to read!! :o;):)

sarahsweets
10-07-17, 06:37 AM
I identify with you and wanted to say that you are not defective.

WhiteOwl
10-07-17, 02:39 PM
You talked about avoiding the cafeteria while in high school and avoiding people. I did this too! During grade school I don't recall having much anxiety over lunchtime. Now, it was a different story during high school. Especially when I moved to a different city, and thus a different school at the very end of my sophomore year. Like you, I absolutely dreaded walking into the cafeteria. I would go and sit in the library instead. Sometimes, I wouldn't even eat. I'd just read a book. Being in a large crowd like that was unnerving. Felt like ALL eyes were on me. Seeing all my flaws and imperfections. I know they weren't but it felt that way. It's good to remind ourselves that most people are too preoccupied with what is going on in their own personal bubble to even notice us! :giggle: Still though, pretty much all big "get togethers" like that still get to me. I am much better off in a small group, or preferably one-on-one.

It sounds like you felt exactly the same way I felt. I knew it wasn't logical that everyone would be fixated on me and what I was doing, but that didn't help anything. I still feel this way sometimes, but it's not as bad as it used to be. I hate when I hear people only feel this way because they are conceited and full of themselves, when it's the opposite. I'm also better off in one-on-one situations, and only if it's someone that is genuine and I can trust, which seems to be rare these days.


My emotions have always been elevated. When I feel, I feel deeply. I am simply unable to hide my emotional state. My mother has always told me there is no denying what I am feeling or thinking. I don't even have to speak. My face and body language will give me away every single time! But, hey, I look at this way, no one can ever accuse me of being fake, I'm incapable of being anything than what I am. LOL Sometimes if you look at what you consider to be a personality flaw in a different way, it's not as bad as you think! :o


I'm actually the opposite. I have built up a wall around my emotions because it never felt safe to be vulnerable around my parents. With my dad, for obvious reasons, but also with my mom. She loved me and did normal mother stuff, but she seemed awkward with emotions, showing affection, etc., too, so we were just a family that didn't talk about things or show emotions, basically.

I have thought over the years, that I must be coldhearted. I would hear a tragic story and say something sarcastic about it or try my hardest to act like I don't care. I recently realized that what I thought was cold-heartedness, was my attempt to hide my vulnerability. The truth is I care too much about many things. Even a commercial can make me choke up and cry, but I make sure no one sees it.

Because of all this, I see it as a good thing that your emotions show. I think it's healthy to feel your emotions. Eventually, my emotions get so bottled up from repressing them for so long, that it's not a pretty sight when I finally release them.

How amazing that you served in the military for 8 years! This is a tremendous accomplishment!! Take pride in that. Seriously give yourself some major credit. :yes:


Thank you. I just feel like I could have done more and been better at what I did do, you know? But I was so focused on just trying to keep up with the basics. I didn't feel any real drive or purpose, just show up to work each day and make it through, not really trying to achieve anything or "go above and beyond" as they like to say. But I'm hopeful things will change with treatment and I can have a sense of purpose and see my goals through. I am really interested in the program I'm in now and would like to get a job related to what I'm studying and actually thrive at it.



And, you know what? Like they always say - it can always be worse. Someone will always have it better, and someone will always have it worse. Honestly, I have no complaints on how I was raised. For me, when I reflect back on my childhood it is not to place blame on my parents, but to gain a better understanding of why I respond to life's experiences as I do. Now that I am taking an analytical approach to discovering who I am and why, I find it quite interesting!

Our childhood, the environment we grow up in, good, bad, or somewhere in between, combined with our genetic makeup, create the type of adult we become. Undoubtedly, negative experiences will hinder us. Yet, we can always count on the positive ones to lift us up. Actually, come to think of it, even some of the most difficult things I've endured I was able to find some amount of good that came from it. At the very least, it made me stronger! We just have to find a way to keep our focus on those things that we thrive on.


Yes, it has helped me to realize that there are people with worse situations/backgrounds and people with better ones. We get what is handed to us and make the best of it, I guess.

It may sound strange, but when I look back on my childhood, I don't feel I was overall unhappy. I do have many good memories, too. Fun with friends before the anxiety kicked in, fun family trips to the mountains and beach, fun with family members, stuff like that. It definitely could have been worse. I was mostly happy as long as I was out of social situations, and when my dad wasn't around.

I don't really blame my parents for anything. I know my dad had/has some undiagnosed disorders and I've always believed that that was the reason for his actions. My mom did the best she could. I do sometimes wonder how she didn't know about the severity of my anxiety, but she says she just thought I was very introverted. She was busy just trying to take care of us, keep the bills paid, and a roof over our heads. I've always appreciated her doing whatever it took to take care of us.

I am SO very sorry to learn your father treated you as he did. :( I am able to empathize with you on some level because I have dealt with what you described in a relationship. In many ways, I believe emotional and verbal abuse to be far worse than physical abuse. That is strictly my opinion. Someone may view it differently. To me physical abuse causes emotional abuse on some level. From my experience, physical abuse usually follows the verbal and emotional attacks. So, no matter what type of abuse someone endures, it inevitably will chip away at their self-esteem.


Yes, there is an emotional component to all the types of abuse and I believe it's the worst part, as well.


You know what my #1 goal in life was? To be a wife and mother. That was it! LOL I had no other aspirations. Did get married. Did have children. But, oh my gosh, one summer it just all went down hill.


My husband after 13 years decided he didn't want to be married anymore. It wasn't a great marriage, but I was committed and would have NEVER dreamed of divorcing. I believed there wasn't anything we couldn't conquer. Unfortunately, as we all know, for a marriage to survive it takes effort from both spouses. My spouse had no desire to work anything out. Looking back, I now know he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He also fits all the criteria of having narcissistic personality disorder. (It was actually his girlfriend, that he moved in with after leaving us, that came to this realization after being with him for 5 years.) Admittedly, I wasn't innocent. No one is. Everyone has issues. I know I can be hard to deal with. At the time I was suffering from bouts of depression off and on, so I'm sure that was hard for him to handle. However, I was striving to face my demons head on by actively seeking help. Desperately trying to save our family. Our kids were only 10 and 5 at the time. My willingness to make changes, our children, thirteen years of marriage - none of this mattered to him.

After attending only one marriage counseling session, he decided it was all me, not him. So, he left. Man, did I ever feel like a failure. I grieved over the loss of my marriage, my family, for 3 years. Only recently have I been able to come to terms that I did everything I could. I didn't fail.


Yep, I always just wanted to be a wife and mother, too. My marriage also lasted about 13 yrs before we separated. Sounds like a similar situation. Emotional abuse and symptoms of disorders, getting in the way of everything. At one point, I also thought he had NPD and that is what led to me having a major anxiety attack, but I now believe he has some other type of personality disorder. His father pretty much completely neglected him and I think that is the main reason behind some of his issues. I'm sorry you went through a similar experience. In my case, I think I ended up in that type of relationship because growing up in a dysfunctional household led me to become codependent. I also think having such low self esteem and subconsciously feeling like no one "normal" would want anything to do with me, played a huge factor in it.

That's great that you are coming to terms with your marriage and seeing that you're not a failure. I've always kicked myself for being so stupid as to enter a marriage that had multiple red flags. Everyone around us could see it, but we just ignored them. But I am working to come to terms with the fact that it was my undiagnosed and untreated issues that drove my choices, and that I can't change the past, but I can get help now.


You haven't failed either! You have found ways to cope and you have survived. You have grown as a person through your life experiences. You have sought help when needed. You are striving for improvement. So, you most certainly are not a failure. I TOTALLY agree with what aeon said - "...you did the best you could given your skills and resources as limited by your situation..."


Thank you! I'm hoping therapy will help me to internalize this.

Yes, just as you described, even simple things like oral reports could be the trigger of an anxiety attack. Geeze, my heart would race just with the thought of it. As soon as it was assigned I would start to hyperventilate! Oh, I would do the work, however, when it came time to present in front of my high school peers, I would actually opt to take a zero for the grade in order to avoid possibly making a fool of myself. It was a 'darned if you do, darned if you don't' kind of situation for me. My grades were very important, however, when I was young, my anxiety won out nine times out of ten. It wasn't until much later that I fully developed my coping mechanisms. Taking a zero felt like a HUGE failure. There's another hit to my self-confidence. Not being strong enough to get in front of my peers also felt like a big failure.


This reminds me of my cousin. I recently found out that she was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety in High School. She would be in the bathroom crying and having a panic attack, over having to give a speech. Luckily for her, her school and her parents realized what was going on and she got the help she needed. But I was so surprised to find out she had anxiety, because she was always so outgoing and crazy. It's strange how it affects different people. I don't know how I managed to make it through my speeches. I actually have a speech class coming up next semester and I'm terrified. It's one of the reasons I decided to try anxiety meds now. I hope it helps me get through it.


It would be extremely difficult for me to adequately express to others how messed up I feel at times. Being trapped inside my own head. Scatterbrained. Anxious. Unfocused. My brain does not shut off. Always thinking. Things looping over and over and over again. Nervous about everything. Constant self-doubt. Low self-esteem. No confidence. Nagging indecisiveness. But you know what?? I am making a conscious effort to finally break free from these chains. You can too!! I can relinquish some of my regret because now I know it is just how I was made and many things are out of my control.

Yes, after getting my official ADHD and Anxiety diagnosis, I just cried. After a lifetime of confusion, feeling stupid, beating myself up, etc. I finally felt like I had some validation. An explanation for everything. It is very freeing and empowering. I'm so glad you're also on the path to healing.

Oh, I did finally finish college and earned my BA. Took me until the age of 37, but hey, I did it! Besides giving birth to my kids, this is my only other BIG accomplishment. Especially since I graduated with a 4.0 gpa. At that point in my life, I was extremely determined. I was out to prove something to myself. It wasn't easy though. I worked my butt off, along with having several little mini-breakdowns. :lol:


That's amazing! I really admire that you had the drive to do that, even if it took longer than you expected. I recently started a college program and have noted the irony that I'm now doing something that I could never ever envision myself doing, back when I was just graduating HS. As you know, the process of just applying for college is a lot of stress, and then I had to go through a bunch more stuff just to get into the program I'm in now. I hope it's all worth it.


Thank you for sharing some of your story. Venting is somewhat therapeutic, isn't it?. Must be! Cause I just typed a ton! Promise I did not plan on my response being sooooo long!! :giggle:

Hopefully though, through me sharing some of my experiences and thoughts, you will find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.



Yes, it was therapeutic, and I'm glad I'm not the only one here who likes to talk! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I literally have always felt like I was the only one on the planet who had gone through some of that stuff. Everyone I've ever met in real life, even the introverted ones, never seemed to come close to being as shy as I was. I'm sorry you went through some of the same or similar things, but it has really helped me to hear your story.