View Full Version : VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder


Manyquestions20
10-04-17, 07:17 PM
The longer I have been with my husband the more hate in my heart seems to grow for him. I am having a hard time with his hyperactivity because he gets bursts of energy and like to play fight. No matter how much I tell him to stop he will have me in a corner protecting myself. Of course he says his intentions are not to cause me harm but I do get hurt some times. If I defend myself (like a preppy girl that cannot fight back ) it increases his hyperactivity and he begins to play even more/harder. So I try my best to take his playful mood and sit still until he loses interest. I sometimes try to get him to chase the cats to protect myself from dealing with his playful advances ( Better them than me).

Also, I am having a hard time determining if he is just lazy blaming things on his disorder or if his disorder is actually so intense. I would ask him for help cleaning and he would tell me not at the moment even if he is not doing anything; I would begin cleaning and since were in a 1 bedroom apartment he will just watch me clean. I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand. Its getting so bad I am thinking about leaving because he shows me no attention unless he wants to tell me about a book he is reading ( He reads ALL day). Other than the book conversations and minimal small talk about work I try to keep busy because he says we will have time together when were older and settled. This is not a relationship.

Has anyone experienced this?

Little Missy
10-04-17, 08:45 PM
No, I have not. But if I did, I'd be ready to leave and when he least expects it, I'd be very, very far away and never look back.

aeon
10-04-17, 09:15 PM
Does he actually have a diagnosis?

If so, is he medicated?

Regardless, is he ready to change his behavior based on your request, as part of his care, love, and concern for you?

Are you ready to put yourself first, honor your boundaries, and leave if and when the answer to the third question is no?

Please get ready to do that. You have a relationship...the problem is that it is not one of mutual agreement and respect. You do not have a partner, and he doesnít treat you as one.

Donít delay...because that hate you are feeling in your heart will ultimately destroy all that you are, all that you care for, and all that you dream and hope for.

Which is to say...get out before you wither and die inside.


Best to You,
Ian

Little Missy
10-04-17, 09:31 PM
Get those cats out of there too.

Manyquestions20
10-04-17, 09:43 PM
He has been diagnosed every since he was a child. Currently he is taking 60mg of adderall and he doesnt take his medication as directed (breaks his meds and takes them like candy throughout the day). While we were dating he didnt tell me about his ADHD; I assume the hyper fixation and need for spontaneous adventure caught my attention. We have been married for 4 years ( 2 separations on my part) and the only reason I have stayed with him for so long is due to seeing steps of improvements. We have been through a lot in our marriage and it is hard for me to give up something that may improve when he is settled. I have been through hell with my husband ( Verbal Abuse and sometimes physical at the beginning of our marriage) but he has passed that stage in his life; showing he can improve with hard work.

Greyhound1
10-04-17, 11:27 PM
If your husband is serious about your relationship he needs to take his ADHD more serious. Doesn't sound like the Adderall is controlling his impulsiveness & hyperactivity very well. Has he sought other medications, and therapy before? Adding therapy and or adjusting his meds. along with a committed effort to treatment and change could really help him change how he acts.

He needs an ultimatum perhaps to get motivated. He needs to know that you are growing hatred for the way he is treating you. He will probably be shocked and find it hard to believe. It's just fun and games to him. How could you not like it he's probably thinking regardless of what you've said in the past.

He probably needs to be shocked a bit to get his attention. I hope things get better for you both.

CharlesH
10-05-17, 01:54 AM
First of all, his treatment team needs to know about this.


The longer I have been with my husband the more hate in my heart seems to grow for him.

I've felt strong anger towards my partner at times before, but never hatred. Make of that what you will.

I am having a hard time with his hyperactivity because he gets bursts of energy and like to play fight. No matter how much I tell him to stop he will have me in a corner protecting myself. Of course he says his intentions are not to cause me harm but I do get hurt some times. If I defend myself (like a preppy girl that cannot fight back ) it increases his hyperactivity and he begins to play even more/harder. So I try my best to take his playful mood and sit still until he loses interest. I sometimes try to get him to chase the cats to protect myself from dealing with his playful advances ( Better them than me).

Okay, this might sound weird, but I'm being serious. I think what he really needs/wants is to have bros whom he can roughhouse with. How do I know this? Because I've seen enough of these types of guys!


Also, I am having a hard time determining if he is just lazy blaming things on his disorder or if his disorder is actually so intense. I would ask him for help cleaning and he would tell me not at the moment even if he is not doing anything; I would begin cleaning and since were in a 1 bedroom apartment he will just watch me clean. I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand.

Have you considered the possibility that he has oppositional defiance disorder?
It's super common in ADHD individuals. Anxiety and depression are also common, and can lead to procrastination/avoidance and low energy.

For ADHD people, the worst thing you can do is to nag. It won't work, and will only make both sides resentful. Get his attention by gently putting your hand on him, make eye contact with him, and kindly ask him to help with the chores. If he's already willing to watch you do the chores, then maybe you can ask him to stand next to you while you do the chores. Gradually, he can progress to lending you a helping hand.

I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand. Its getting so bad I am thinking about leaving because he shows me no attention unless he wants to tell me about a book he is reading ( He reads ALL day). Other than the book conversations and minimal small talk about work I try to keep busy because he says we will have time together when were older and settled. This is not a relationship.

Has anyone experienced this?
To me, this is the most troubling part by far. If anything, ADHD people would be extra talkative. Perhaps he's autistic in addition to having ADHD? That might explain narrow interest in books and his apparent apathy towards socializing with you.

He needs to be willing to be open about his flaws, and you need to be someone who he can trust and be vulnerable to. I have no ability to judge who is at fault here, but clearly something isn't working. And yes, what you described is most certainly not currently a relationship, and I think you already know this deep down. I hope you and he can fix it, but I don't think anyone would be able to give you a definitive prediction. You can't control what life throws at you, but you are responsible for how you choose to react. I wish you the best!

ScatterBrainX
10-06-17, 04:08 AM
I have ADHD.

It doesn't matter if something I do is caused by ADHD or not.
If my SO tells me something I do bothers him, we try to brainstorm ways for me to stop doing that, do something else or at least do it in a different way that doesn't bother him as uch.

Saying "it's my ADHD, you wouldn't understand" is a cop out, unless he tried reaching a compromise with you previously and you were unwilling to discuss it (which doesn't sound like the case here).

A counselor could help improve your communication in that regard, if you want to try one last thing. But he has to want to change, and it will still take some time, and I wouldn't blame you for not having any more patience left.

Also, poor cats...

Fuzzy12
10-06-17, 06:44 AM
Unless he wants to change and sees there is a problem
nothimg will change. It seems like he doesn't believe the play fighting is an issue and won't stop even when you've asked him to.that shows a total lack.of respect and is a big red flag. (It doesn't matter what his intentions are. He knows you don't like it)..especially considering that you said he used to be abusive.

In my experience nothing gets better with time alone. My symptoms are just getting worse every year.

Fraser_0762
10-06-17, 06:52 AM
If he's physically hurting you, whether intentional or not, that's not ok. You need to be firm with him and tell him no. If he simply continues anyway, then you need to get away from him for your own sake.

ToneTone
10-07-17, 02:09 AM
Adult punching is pretty much never playful.

There is nothing more exhausting than going along with someone's inappropriate behavior, especially hitting. I've done versions of what you've done. You're spending all your energy not to hate him, not to scream.

Reminds me of all the times I let friends or various people say dumb stuff that insulted me ... and somehow I got into the habit of acting like what they were saying was funny. After a while, I'm spending energy deliberately fake-laughing at something that hurts me.

Anyway, ADHD has nothing to do with ...

Can you get to a therapist and game this out, come up with a strategy so you can stand up for yourself? Otherwise, you will hate him. The upside of this is that this is a great opportunity for you to find your voice and to really be your own friend and ally.

Work on this one--on telling him to stop!--and you will be making a breakthrough. Note: when you first stand up for yourself, he's gonna try to shame you. "I was just believing. I can't believe you ..." He's gonna pull that out on you. If you haven't been standing up for yourself, it will be easy to fall for that routine.

Practicing your lines with a therapist or with a really assertive friend can be enormously helpful.

Tone

sarahsweets
10-07-17, 05:48 AM
There is no play fighting with adults. You need to exit that relationship with the cats. The only thing I can possible think of is to see if they have Krav Maga or other self defense type classes for him.

Manyquestions20
10-08-17, 07:39 AM
Thank you everyone. All of your advice is very helpful. I think Im going to start with therapy and see how it goes.

ToneTone
10-10-17, 08:48 PM
Much good luck!

Luvmybully
10-10-17, 09:15 PM
I second the Krav recommendation. Some guys just need a very physical outlet.

Hitting you, even in "play" is just not right. I hope the counseling helps you!