I don't. She doesn't really have ADD, although she has some of the tendencies. She thinks I'm too laid-back about everything, for example, I took a pre-employment drug test which I failed because of my Adderall and therefore didn't get the job, and she thinks I'm being too "lackadaisical" (means lazy; it was her word choice not mine) about calling the corporate headquarters to let them know about the Adderall meds I take.

The local place I applied to work at gave me the corporate number and an extension, and told me to dial there for more information. There is more information about my situation in the Careers/Jobs forum. I've been calling the number off and on, and keep getting a voicemail.

Anyway, she said to me earlier this afternoon, "I think you should call them every hour and record it on a piece of paper, with the time, and then tomorrow try that a few times, and then talk to the operator about it." I didn't do that today, although I did call the headquarters once today and got no answer. I told her the truth (that I only called once) and she started in on, "You're being too lackadaisical blablabla..." This lead to an arguement that lasted for about 3 hours, and now I'm angry and annoyed because I wasted those 3 hours arguing pointlessly when I could've been reading my book or something.

I'm probably just going to ignore her whenever she gets that way. Which, might I add, is often. She tells me I'm nasty and unpleasant, which is true, but only because I get that way after what SHE says to me. Her words put me in a bad mood. She tells me stuff based on what she sees me doing, etc. but she doesn't really *see* that much of me.

So we'll have these long arguments during which she'll "point out" all kinds of things she thinks I need improvement on. Then she moves on, bothered by nothing from that argument while I sit and steam for a few hours. That is not fair. I've told her this. She says the only reason I sit and get steamed up is because I allow myself to do it. I don't understand. Should I just tune her out? I already ignore my dad completely. He's worse than she is.

Oh, and does anyone get along with their mother? Most females around me are best friends with their moms. It would be nice to have someone to relate to in that regard (not even with the ADD, just someone who's not best friends with the parental unit would be wonderful!)

I try not to stay around my mother too much. She gets on my case about everything and then she tells me that I'm arguing. Even though I'm not. She is. lol.

sometimes we get along, but we're very far from being best friends.

I live with my parents. I lived away for about 6 months a couple years ago and we got along better then lol.

Theres a book on ADD that I have, I'm gonna leave it with her when I leave. I just want her to "get it."

Mystic_Oracle When did my mother move in with you?
I understand exactly what you are talking about.
I will never be the daughter my mother wants me to be.
So I gave up trying to turn myself inside out to suit her.
At this point I know she won't understand my AD/HD.
So I just stay true to myself and live my own life.
I have little to no contact with her and that works for us both.


I'm very close to my Grandmother and Sister.
They accept me for who I am regardless if I have AD/HD or not.
And that's what really matters.

I love my mother to death but we don't understand each other, even though we try. I always feel like an under achiever when I'm with her even though I earn significantly more than her. Her and my Dad are your traditional 'normal' couple - still together after 36 years, responsible jobs, house, kid and are happy with their lot. I do envy people who seem content with their life even though I can't help but think there must be something they're not happy with. ;)

I think the comment 'me and your Dad are normal, how did we end up with a wierd stick like you?' says it all!

I do know however that my Mum boasts about me when she's not with me. I think she thinks I'll become big-headed if she tells me she's proud. No danger of that! :rolleyes:

Legs.

My mother did not get along with her mother....at all. I think grand ma ma is NPD.
My mother in law did not get along with her mother.....I think mi mi maw was NPD.

"I love my mother, but I would never choose her as my friend" I think that is the way they put it.

My mother made sure we had a good relationship because of this.....if you have daughters, friends up there :rolleyes: I know you will be good to them <3

The Ties that Bind

Growing up, I was more of my father’s son than my mother’s. I had to be. He was a full blown Hyperactive married to a woman that had no earthly idea what she was walking into when she said “I do.”
They married and borne four children -- three boys and one girl-- all with ADHD on varying levels and at different stages in their lives. In my case, I was the one full blown at a young age. The school system didn’t want to recognize it, a lawsuit ensued, and my mother, a medical practitioner, turned into an Equal Rights/ADHD advocate, spent her free time researching all that she could get her hands on, made one call after a next hunting down what she could do for her son being abused by an apathetic school system to his plight. After many long hours into the night researching, an ungodly long distance bill or two, and a lawsuit won later, I was recognized and tended to as a special need child. Granted, under the “Special Needs” criteria, not being beaten upward ten times a day with a paddle by principle and/or teacher alike, ridiculed in front of entire classrooms, or even shoved into lockers by school officials, was the only thing that I was wanting as a nine year old.
My father and I shared a particular bent for art, jazz, and late nights hanging out in the basement getting drunk off vodka, listening to some Coltrane, and playing Chess. He was a hyperactive and a draftsman by trade and by talent. He dabbled in photography, setting up his own dark room in his workshop in the basement. He was everything that I wanted to be minus the short temper, the outburst of rage (more internal struggle with the ADHD than anything external), or the dark side of the man bound by the demons at play within his mind.
The years progressed, and I moved out various times to seek out a life of my own.... the military, college, moving in with friends through the guise of finding better employment but with the understanding that it was to be nothing less than “Party Central”. Through all of those times, I moved back home with my head tucked down in defeat. A Hyperactive and the strict regiment of the military go together like peanut butter and pickle relish (I personally like this type of sammich but the mere mention of it to others brings an instant green discoloration to their face; there is no accounting for taste I guess).
College, well college was freedom, sex, alcohol, and occasionally, when I wasn’t distracted by my social obligations, I engaged in my academic ones. Not as often as the various universities that I attended would have liked, but I was young, dumb, and full of cum.
The latter of the fleeing the home front brought me back for reasons that were so foreign to my mind and my soul that as I thought about them then, and even as I do so now to pen these thoughts, brings a sudden shudder to my body trying to dismiss the trauma and surreal images of it all.
“Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you. Your father has cancer. He is going to need an operation. We need you to move back home and help out.”
That was seven years ago but in my mind and in my shattered heart, it was only yesterday. Five years and four major surgeries later, the cancer stole my father from my life, his artistic influence from my soul, and the council and companionship of a kindred spirit from my eyes. I was his son by genetics. I was his best friend as he was my confidant by luck.
I have yet to move out again. My siblings all live away and have their own lives to tend to. I promised my father on his deathbed that I would look after my mother and I have. It hasn’t been easy living with a Non-ADDer. For all of the research she has done over the years, pamphlets after pamphlets, scrawled out notes on everything from napkins to memo pads listing doctors, phone numbers, medicines, what have you, she doesn’t understand how or why the hyperactive mind does what it does.
We argue more than we talk. Even the talks turn into arguments. Where I reach out a hand to bring about a closeness that I never had with her, I draw back a numb, storm off to my room to forget the vicious things she has said.
“You talk too much! You never listen! I told you not to go into the military but you had to have your way! I told you , you weren’t ready to move away and go to college but you didn’t listen then either!”
She means well. In her way, she is still the scared mother trying to protect her son. She reminds me of my past failures to alter the future yet to come. She wants the best for me and out of me. Translating those sentiments through the wealth of emotions built up for years, beyond the fear and the frustration of living with a Hyperactive, is almost as daunting as being an ADDer trying to give a lecture on Quantum Physics to a classroom of five year olds rolling around in paste, playing keep-a-way with an unwitting class pet (a ferret), and randomly saying whatever pops into their forming minds.
It wasn’t until this past Thanksgiving when my family came in, that I realized that I had a better relationship with my mother than what I had always thought. This being said, every time I had an argument with her over something asinine and/or trivial, I would call up one of my siblings with the typical response of: “Hi. No, we had another argument. She is on about something, You talk to her. She likes you better.”
As the family was gathered around the kitchen table watching the latest batch of reality shows on that night (my mother a huge fan of reality shows and then drama shows like “West Wing”, “Law and Order” etc), I would find myself off in my room watching the same shows that my mother was inflicting on them as she had done prior to me. “Hey, did you watch that show last night? It was really good. It comes on again next week at nine.”
It was her way of trying to relate to me.... have a shared experience, and to build on shaky ground something beyond our conflict with one another. And it had worked. With every commercial, I would dart out of my room to the kitchen to get her opinion of one of the reality show contestants, we would exchange prejudices as to why we did or didn’t like so-in-so, before the show would come back on.
Before leaving, my twin sister came to me and told me that I was doing better with her. I asked for further elaboration because in my mind I hadn’t seen any change at all. It was the constant arguing, and the put downs, that stood out. Even the endless nagging of what to do and when to do it, permeated all other thoughts. She was belittling me and emasculating me all at the same time.
My sister opened my eyes with what she said. It made me re-evaluate the situation. As much as I thought of myself as my father’s son, I was equally my mother’s. The nagging, the put downs, the arguments, no matter how they were masked in rage, anger, disappointment, or even frustration, they were all acts of love.
It was hard then to delineate what she was trying to say from what she was saying, but when I did, it made a world of difference. To make that delineation, I had to not see her as being a Non-ADDer stating “Mom, you don’t have ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, or PTSD. How could you understand?” I looked more at her as “what if she were an ADDer?” And that made a world of difference.
ADD or no, we are all human and are going to act, react, and interact, with failure and faulty lines of communication. It happens to the best and brightest, the worst and dumbest. Just take the time to look at what they are trying to say beyond the insults and the angst, and see if there is love there. In your case as well as mine, I see love. Its misplaced and contorted, but so are my thoughts most times, so I can understand where she is coming from.
Hope this helps. Godspeed and my prayers for peace, patient, and perspective, are with you.

Lithium baby....sounds a lot like some of the stuff I went through with my father. He is still with us. I love him so much and overlook some of the ill things about him. Some of the thngs he does I even accept as endearing traits...because that is who he is.

Thank you for sharing that with all of us. Thank you for the peace, prayers, patience, and
perspective.

My mom has a little ADD, but not as much as me, it affected me in school, gave me low self-esteem, and she never belittled me, but tried very hard to encourage me to "be like everyone else" to this day I really don't know if I like people or just tolerate them-I would rather be by myself all the time, where as she needs people all the time, we are not best friends, just still trying to understand one another-I think she gets more of who I am now, than then, ADD complicates your life so much, it makes you seemingly lazy, un-dependable, disorganized-never ready for anything-and I think that drove her crazy in my younger years, I just required so much....whatever other than my sister who was nuts over people but had problems of her own-which I never had-it just takes a long time to "get" it for outsiders to understand us, what makes us tick, fears, and what is considered a struggle for us maybe nothing or easy for someone else, and hold on to hurt for so long, it eats at who you are and takes the best part away from you. sorry for this rambling-we are just working toward understanding and accepting each other-hope this helps-----LORI

Lori,
My mom was a beauty queen. She didn't just want me to be "just like everyone else"....
but I got the feeling she wanted me to be just like her. She has "grown up" and gotten over some of that.

Not my style. I'm not the kind who could sit in a convertable at the parade and wave to the crowd in white gloves and a crown.

I wanted to dance to the Masonic steel drum band and catch candy from the clowns.
Still do!

Gourmet,
thanks for that, my mom was homecoming queen, she describes herself as a "warm puppy", but what I saw, is she would be real sweet to someone on the phone, and just get right back to yelling at us when she got off-I don't get that. She wonders why I am so inconsistent-people were always coming by, and she was the sweetest and best hostess, I saw it as trying to impress....People are all bubbly around her too, I sound complaining and sort of depressed, but that is how I see people, faky, and my mom is at the top of the list.

I love your picture about the parade-just enjoy watching. I really am not depressed or anything, just want people to not be afraid to be who they truly are-honest, openness is beautiful in my book------------------------LORI

I took a pre-employment drug test which I failed because of my Adderall and therefore didn't get the job, and she thinks I'm being too "lackadaisical" (means lazy; it was her word choice not mine) about calling the corporate headquarters to let them know about the Adderall meds I take.

The drug screening company should have a medical review officer who verifies your prescription as a legal medication. If a company pays for a drug screen it means they are interested in employing you.



Anyway, she said to me earlier this afternoon, "I think you should call them every hour and record it on a piece of paper, with the time, and then tomorrow try that a few times, and then talk to the operator about it."

That sounds like some thing my mom would suggest. I doubt I would do it more than once however I would be out looking for another job some where else. Time zone differences any be a factor you hadn’t though of. I am in Texas but the drug screen company I had to contact was in California a two hour difference.



So we'll have these long arguments during which she'll "point out" all kinds of things she thinks I need improvement on. Then she moves on, bothered by nothing from that argument while I sit and steam for a few hours`

I looked at your public profile and there is no indication of your age so I do not know if you are a teenager young adult ect… What I do get from your post id your mom and or parents want you to GET A JOB doing some thing some where. I am assuming you depend on your parents for financial support. Even if you are in school getting a job to cover some of your expenses would greatly improve your relationship with both your parents.

If you are not in school then getting out on your own would be best if nothing else to get you AWAY from your parents. As stated in other post parent adult child relationship often improves when adult children move out and start their own lives.

When I was young and first moved out I had little time or closeness with my mother. Now that I am grown and have grown children of my own mom and I get along much better. We are still opposites in MOST ways however I understand her more now and have become more accepting of who she is because I do NOT have to live with her.

I now expect my own young adult daughters to get a job and get on with there lives I have taught them all I can it is time for them to “fly from the nest”. This can be a bumpy transition for both parent and child.

My mom and I are still opposites and she still “gets on my case” I will listen and consider what she says. However the final decision is mine. I do not have to argue the point as I know where my boundaries are and she knows where hers are.

I can live my life the way I see fit because I am who I am 200 miles from my mom. My other is who she is and lives her life as she sees fit. When I go to her home to visit I abide by her rules as it is her house. When she visits me in my home she abides by my rules as this is my home. Mutual respect has developed over my adult years. I no longer have to defend my position because I am an adult in my own right and my mom knows that

Well said Tammy,

My kids are not grown but that sounds identical to the relationship my mother and I share-agree to disagree or something like that, once in awhile she picks at me to test the waters, but I know her better and she knows me-so there is room now for mutual respect. She has done a lot with her life, and she loves kids and they love her, so we try to just Move along....thanks for your post. LORI

My mom and I, get along at times, but she has a lot of ADHD tendencies, and was never diagnosed, but it makes it difficult. I was diagnosed with ADD, back in the 80's, I think we both clash at times.

My mom has VERY SEVERE ADD..and actually diagnosed as MBD back in the early 80s when that was the name for it. She was more recently diagnosed about 7 years ago and she's much different. The problem with her was that her ADD made her VERY likely to blurt out whatever was on her mind at very socially inappropriate times. This made for some comments and words that were often embarrassing or hurtful and really caused a rift between myself and her. Also her obsessiveness was unbearable. She called my house 14 times one day about 2 months after I was married. She said she was "worried that I couldn't get a hold of you." I WAS AT WORK!! Stuff like that. It was hard to be close to her. She's naturally very critical of some people and has an exaggerated sense of self importance. She's condescending.

After her diagnosis, it's been easier to talk to her and communicate with her. She's more normal, you know? And now that I have been Dx'ed ADD I have more understanding about a lot of what happened to her. I am not to the extent she was...but I have more compassion for her condition and have been able to start the forgiveness process.

Have I told her I have ADD? Hell no! I am soooo not ready to go there. Maybe someday but not now!

I also have trouble getting on with my mother to the point that I no longer talk to her because she doesn't understand and it feels like she's punishing me for being different, I guess I carry a lot of sadness and anger towards her.:( :mad: I don't. She doesn't really have ADD, although she has some of the tendencies. She thinks I'm too laid-back about everything, for example, I took a pre-employment drug test which I failed because of my Adderall and therefore didn't get the job, and she thinks I'm being too "lackadaisical" (means lazy; it was her word choice not mine) about calling the corporate headquarters to let them know about the Adderall meds I take.

The local place I applied to work at gave me the corporate number and an extension, and told me to dial there for more information. There is more information about my situation in the Careers/Jobs forum. I've been calling the number off and on, and keep getting a voicemail.

Anyway, she said to me earlier this afternoon, "I think you should call them every hour and record it on a piece of paper, with the time, and then tomorrow try that a few times, and then talk to the operator about it." I didn't do that today, although I did call the headquarters once today and got no answer. I told her the truth (that I only called once) and she started in on, "You're being too lackadaisical blablabla..." This lead to an arguement that lasted for about 3 hours, and now I'm angry and annoyed because I wasted those 3 hours arguing pointlessly when I could've been reading my book or something.

I'm probably just going to ignore her whenever she gets that way. Which, might I add, is often. She tells me I'm nasty and unpleasant, which is true, but only because I get that way after what SHE says to me. Her words put me in a bad mood. She tells me stuff based on what she sees me doing, etc. but she doesn't really *see* that much of me.

So we'll have these long arguments during which she'll "point out" all kinds of things she thinks I need improvement on. Then she moves on, bothered by nothing from that argument while I sit and steam for a few hours. That is not fair. I've told her this. She says the only reason I sit and get steamed up is because I allow myself to do it. I don't understand. Should I just tune her out? I already ignore my dad completely. He's worse than she is.

Oh, and does anyone get along with their mother? Most females around me are best friends with their moms. It would be nice to have someone to relate to in that regard (not even with the ADD, just someone who's not best friends with the parental unit would be wonderful!)

I felt that way when I was younger. As I got older I have been able to approach my mom on some things, I have even had to stand my ground on a few others. My mom alway encouraged acceptance of other ways of thinking, ethnic groups, and sexual prefernces ect however I felt she didn't accept me. I asked her this and she was totally surprized I felt that way. Now when she make me feellike I am less than because of this or that I ask her if that is the message she is trying to comminucate. Some time I have had to use her own words to remind her that different prespective or preferences doesn't make better or worse than her it merely makes me different than her. Difference in individuals is a good thing!!!!! That is what I was taught. She respond to my reminders of her teaching as long as I do it appropialy.

Just this morning I phoned my mother to give her some important information...she was on another line with a friend and said she'd phone back. An hour later, she still hasn't called. Very typical...I know she's completely forgotten I called her.

As you might have guessed, my mother has ADD (but doesn't think anything's wrong with her). When I was younger, I was deeply hurt by her seeming obliviousness to me. I'd be having a conversation with her and the phone would ring and she'd start a whole new conversation with someone else, completely forgetting about me. Or else I'd be talking to her and she'd suddenly interrupt me to comment on something I was wearing or to tell me I had a speck of dirt on my face, or that she just remembered something she needed to do. She could never sustain a real discussion with me at any length. A month before my 14th birthday, she asked me to remind her how old I was.

Nowadays, I understand that what feels like emotional abandonment really reflects a neurological disorder I share. The weird part is, though, that I'm so different from her psychologically. Like her, I am easily distracted...but not when I'm listening to someone I care about. I form deep emotional bonds with people and am very sensitive to their feelings...sometimes too much so. I am also able to look at how my own behavior might affect someone else. My mother cannot accept any sort of criticism...no matter how much it is softened with love. On the other hand, she is quite a nice person with a lot more friends than I have. She is also less easily hurt by things than I am. She really does care about me and is neither demanding nor guilt-inducing.

But despite my understanding, and my middle-aged perspective, I must say that sitting here this morning and realizing my mother has totally forgotten about me, feels awful.

do i get along with my mother?

a resounding earthshattering echoing "NO".

i'm 47 years old. she and i have never, not once, ever, had a conversation. it's quite amazing. she dislikes me intensely. it's a visceral sort of reaction. "you are nothing but a pain in the ***. i wish you were never born." repeat that a few hundred times and no matter how ADD a person is, they do eventually get the message.

we haven't shared the same air space in over 8 years and then it was a court room. opportunity to maybe have a conversation? not since 1991. relief? yes. probably on both our parts.

when she introduced me to her boss she said "oh btw this is my daughter. she's going to become a bag lady one day. except instead of clothes she'll be pushing a shopping cart full of books."

i now own her house.

Ever since i move out I think we get along soooo much better. When we lived together it was bad, we would fight relatively frequently.

My mother and i are very close but she does get under my skin somedays.She is just on my case that is not really any of her concerna dn it irritates me bad.