I need my husband to see..... He thinks he understand me and ADD. A fight we had today showed me he doesn't understand. He says:

" You need to get your self into a route"....

" You need to learn to do one thing at a time"....

"Your using ADD has an excues, what really is going on is you don't try"....

" You'd think you'd learn from your mistakes and when you do the same mistake over and over it shows me you just don't care"

When I tried to talk to him I got all yelling and crying and I said" it feels to me you think I'm a fat lazy B****" he shrudded his shoulders,raised his eyebrows and didn't say a word. In other words YES that is what he thinks.

He told me he's going to make a list of thisng that we all need to do around the hosue and he doesn't want me to get angry at him if I slack off and he drings it to my attention.

All this came about because I told him we needed to seek therapy for his depression/mania, for are marriage, are kids. For me to understand my role in his recovery and for him to see how his "stuff" effects us all.... Now he's going to "change" and I'm hearing him say my ADD is still the cause I've the whats,hows and why of his behavor.

So, he says if I listen to his suggestions on how to keep the house in check and not to keep making the mistakes I do at the grocery store and so on we'd all be happier....


HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

I wont him to came here.

Paula: I don't think your husband thinks you're a fat lazy b_____. I think by suggesting it to him, he simply didn't argue against it.....it's like handing him a direct insult of yourself.......So I would suggest no more put-downs of yourself for your husband to NOT argue against.....

Interesting how he says the house in check and no grocery store mistakes will make it all better.....I would like to see what would happen if you did have the house in check and perfect grocery shopping experiences and your ADD stable from his standpoint.....THEN he thinks everything would be okay????

I feel for you Paula....I really do....I know this has been going on for quite awhile......Hopefully you'll hear from Crissy on this post who knows quite a bit about bipolar disorder.....

Well yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...............first lets discuss the finger pointing behaviours. First of all its very demeaning, not at all partner-like. Secondly does he mind if you also have a list of things he needs to get done and a grade sheet? Thirdly the behaviour of diverting the attention off of us and onto another is classic defense mechanisms, and he did it to you. And well, at the risk of sounding motherish and not sisterish like Im hoping, you fed into it, like we all have at some time.

Now me and my big mouth would have said (and Im in the midst of the beginnings of seperating and divorcing so take this for entertainment value ONLY) 'You know, honey this is such a good idea, this having a list to supervise the others behaviour and lack of change, then we can not only deman each other but we can completely tear each others sense of self worth down too!I like this in a marriage.'

There is something I am learning to do, which is hard. It is that my husband will not change because I beg plead scream cry get hurt allow him to beat me up etc. BUT I can seek help for me and focus on me getting healthy so I can better deal with his illnesses that ARE NOT changing.And also so I can , again, enjoy what i loved about him enough to marry him.

I needed to have my husband leave. He wasn't able, for what ever reasons, to change the dangerously unhealthy behaviours of active alcoholism and probably bipolar explosiveness. He did, however work on his own on becoming more: honest, forthright, conciderate and less: authoritarian, pushy, down right scary and aggressive.

The fact of the matter is, I will have to deal with him til our daughter is at least 18 years old, I better work on me enough to not lose my mind over HIS issues and focus on my plethora of fixable issues.

Hugs honey, hugs. Get a good hot cup of strong tea, write some of your feelings down so you can go back tonight before bed and read them clearer. Get away from him for awhile to do something that sooths you and helps you feel focused, and ( I kino wyou are going to hate this cuz I hated it when my sponser told me this) Do one really nice totally unasked for thing for him today. It helps with the hurt and anger.

Thanks girls....

hugs to both of you

Have the two of you considered making the list together? I think he needs to know that lists and other things made by non-ADD people don't always work for us ADDers.

I'm sure you have learned lots of stuff from your "mistakes". You have probably learned that the ways others want you to do stuff doesn't really work for you no matter how hard you try.

Listening to his suggestions may actually be helpful assuming he doesn't talk down to you while he is making suggestions and if he is willing to listen to your feedback about his suggestions.

You people all have a lot more self control than I do. If he had said these things to me, I would have smacked him upside the head. :D :D :D

Thanks PauL ...lol...

He's manic when he talks like this and feels he has the answers to solve all the worlds problems if they listened to him.

This is his pattern and I never see it when it's happening, I see it after.....For me I can't seem to stop myself in let him do this to me. I see he works on my guilt of being ADD and the "not being good enoughs" come out.....And yes I do have a therapist. He tells me I'm dealing with a very difficult person with very difficult issues. This makes it easier for me to step back and not beat myself up about it.... In the past when he's done this I've even thought about killing myself because I was left feeling like such a loser....

I'll be calling the therapist today....We are going !!!!! :) :mad:

That's great......let us know how it goes Paula.....

To me your therapist's words sound very supportive.....

and no YOU are hardly the loser.....in fact being the strong one here and the one calling the therapist on both of yours behalf....you are the winner....:)

Ok....I'm in left field again on this one...so DONT read a lot into this.

FTM, most people speed along in life, not stopping to smell the roses. I sense you are at the point where you are aware of your ADD situation, aware of your marriage difficulties, and aware that your partner is not quite understanding.

My guess is that your partner is not ready for his next step in accepting your ADD (and maybe a little responsibility to respect the partner that he married).

I would write down a list all the things that you want to fix. Next to it; write down who needs to change in order to do it. Next; give them a level of difficulty.

Now, all the things your husband needs to change; put them on a seperate list as he is not ready to start his. Now, with your list; look for the results that will maximise the peace with lowest effort and concentrate on getting some quick results on the board.

Even though your partner may have the 3 biggest problems; untill he sees you achieving some results; he probably won't start his list.

However; if you get some results on the board, explain what you are trying to achieve, and show him why you are doing it...then maybe he will start to understand that you are not blaming him; you are not blaming your ADD; but are doing what you can where you can..and that it can make a difference.

Before I try and change any partner of mine; I look to see what it is about me that doesn't like what the other person is saying or doing. I try to see if I am being reasonable; or if the other person is likely to change. More often than not; I can be more accomodating than they are likely to change!!

The courage you can get by improving yourself can sometimes be enough to spur your partner on. It may also give you enough courage not to give in when he blames your ADD.

The greatest assett you have is yourself; and sometimes; by focusing on making this better; the rest can get better as well.

I would look past the words to see he fears; understand where his fears are coming from; and then try and be as supportive as I can and avoid going near those things he fears until you feel stonger.

I could go on for ages, but in summary; maybe your partner is not ready for change; so concentrate on yourself to start with, and after some success, revisit the issues you have with your partner when HE is ready to try some change.

Sleepz

sleepzalot, exellent points, thank you.....

The problem in reality is not my ADD and your right I do need to work on myself.

If I wait for him to be ready, he could be dead or in a mental hospital. I've been fighting with myself for days about what my responsibility are. Do I get tough, make his appointments and make sure he gets there, make sure he takes his meds. gets enough sleep. Or do I say he's a grown man and leave it alone....

I do know this is may never been any better and I I'm working on myself. Knowing I may have to jump ship to save my life and my kids life and let him go down with the ship....

Originally posted by fasttalkingmom
sleepzalot, exellent points, thank you.....

The problem in reality is not my ADD and your right I do need to work on myself.

If I wait for him to be ready, he could be dead or in a mental hospital. I've been fighting with myself for days about what my responsibility are. Do I get tough, make his appointments and make sure he gets there, make sure he takes his meds. gets enough sleep. Or do I say he's a grown man and leave it alone...

I do know this is may never been any better and I I'm working on myself. Knowing I may have to jump ship to save my life and my kids life and let him go down with the ship....

GREAT....you can always leave him a life preserver just in case at the last minute he decides to save himself....seeing you actually leave might be very compelling for him.....

Paula when you put it THIS way.....it sounds really sane....he stays stuck in his stuff and you and your kids leave and you live a happier and more stable life -- yes it will be different, the chaos will be gone (oh my God can we ADD'ers handle life without chaos??) and all will feel more "normal" (whatever that is?) )

and you still get to continue to work on yourself after he's gone.....:)


Anyway, I KNOW this is an extremely trying time.....hang in there...

Originally posted by fasttalkingmom
I need my husband to see..... He thinks he understand me and ADD. A fight we had today showed me he doesn't understand. He says:

" You need to get your self into a route"....

" You need to learn to do one thing at a time"....

"Your using ADD has an excues, what really is going on is you don't try"....

" You'd think you'd learn from your mistakes and when you do the same mistake over and over it shows me you just don't care"

When I tried to talk to him I got all yelling and crying and I said" it feels to me you think I'm a fat lazy B****" he shrudded his shoulders,raised his eyebrows and didn't say a word. In other words YES that is what he thinks.

He told me he's going to make a list of thisng that we all need to do around the hosue and he doesn't want me to get angry at him if I slack off and he drings it to my attention.

All this came about because I told him we needed to seek therapy for his depression/mania, for are marriage, are kids. For me to understand my role in his recovery and for him to see how his "stuff" effects us all.... Now he's going to "change" and I'm hearing him say my ADD is still the cause I've the whats,hows and why of his behavor.

So, he says if I listen to his suggestions on how to keep the house in check and not to keep making the mistakes I do at the grocery store and so on we'd all be happier....


HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

I wont him to came here.

First find a counselor who understands ADHD, maybe because they are themselves. then pick one who can relate to normal people.

You are right. Your husband is wrong. i'm sorry.

david