09-07-03, 10:30 PM
One of the issues I struggle with is knowing what is reasonable when asking to be helped because I have ADHD.
-asking for a breakdown of steps for medical issues... what needs to be done to set things up
-asking to be reminded of appointments that need to be set up in order to be prepared for the school year for the disability resource centre at my school
-asking people to remind me about things so I don`t forget them
-asking my boyfriend to help out with things around the house, like organizing (he doesn`t seem to realize how much anxiety it causes me... I`m not sure how to address this issue)
any insights would be greatly appreciated...
the main thing I struggle with is feeling as htough I`m trying to espcape responsibility.
09-08-03, 12:49 AM
Make an analogy in your head.
If you had a broken leg, you would ask for help with stairs, or to run errands that needed to be done at emergency speed. You would ask for crutches and a cast. You would not feel guilty asking for these things, you would not be ducking responsibility, because they are required and appropriate for you to have help with.
You have ADHD. So it is appropriate for you to ask for things that this makes difficult for you, and/or to ask for "crutches" (i.e. Ritalin or a Palm Pilot, etc.) to help you get around on your own. This is just, right, appropriate, and not ducking responsibility.
Every time you wonder about whether you should ask for help with something... think... is it something you can genuinely do on your own as well as a person without ADHD would?
If it is something that your experience and education on ADHD have told you is hard for you, then ask for a crutch to help you do it yourself, or a helping hand from someone else.
My opinion of your examples above (and just my 2 cents):
a) medical issues - this is TOTALLY legit, you do NOT want to screw anything up in the medical area. If you feel at all nervous about handling these yourself ASK FOR HELP. Not an area you want to screw up in.
b) reminding of appointments - valid, but you may be able to find a crutch to do it on your own, such as a calendar, Palm Pilot, software, etc.
c) same as above... valid but you may be able to find a crutch that works for you.
d) help around the house... valid, but you might find your boyfriend more agreeable if you approach him with a "negotiating" attitude... offer to do something else that isn't hard for you in exchange for his help with the stuff that makes you anxious. Me, for example, I have no trouble doing dishes, laundry, or changing the cat litter, although I tend to forget to do them, so I have negotiated with my wife that if I do those three chores a lot... accepting reminders from her graciously when necessary... she is willing to do most of the rest of the stuff around the house, and seems happy with the arrangement so far...
09-08-03, 02:56 PM
Slowpoke: Totally agree with everything Paul said....and with the appointments that need to be set up.....you could ask anyone here at forums for help with that.....
E-mail them the appointments and they will remind you back with an e-mail.....
Also, I try and always remember....I can ask for help with just about anything.....(just about:).....and it's my right to do so.....
and the person I'm asking can always say no....they can't do it....and it is within their right to do so.....
and I can ask someone else.....
I think asking for help is a real sign of humility and ego-reduction.....it means realizing we can't do it all ourselves.....
My I add another thing to ask your co-habitator:
I asked my roommate to let me know when he wants to clean. Recently he was really angry I didn't help clean the house because I was spending time with my children. It wasn't because I didn't want to clean, I just view being with my kids as important as cleaning. I find being ADD I don't have one or two priorities... everything is a priority. I just need to be nudged to do something else. Since then, he has found that I respond to being asked to clean in a good natured way and that I go right to work. So he's happier.
09-08-03, 04:28 PM
You won't change your bo friend. Sorry. if you do, it won't be like you want. change is only his for him.
You know what you need. Find a place that provides it when you ask. That is all.
Yes employ others to remind you. Be sure they take on the committment to the level you require. most people do not understand the EXTENT of the need. The reason, per se, is not important. That you do need, and say so, are the only two issues in play. All else sets the scene only for arguing points, and mis-reinterpretting points. KISS Keep It Stupid Simple. Saying you are ditzy, or something socially acceptable is probably BETTER than properly attributing it to ADHD, which is "contraversial."
In My Humble Opinion.
You go girl!
Good luck, David 46
Tara will give you some good advise on using your cell phone and yahoo to send reminders to your self if you ask here
Assuming you have a cell phone