this is my first time on the forum. my story sounds so much like everyone elses.
i have been married for 23 years. i have just about run out of steam with my add husband. i was so frustrated back in may of this year i filed for divorce.
since that time my husband who works at home for the past to years and has not been able to pay any bills on time is suddenly doing so. he says he has
had a wake up call. but i not to sure about that. he still tells me i need to get help!! i have a a son who is 17 years old. he is going to be a senior this year.
i hesitate to do anything drastic when he has only one year of high school left.
my husband says he only has a mild case of add. and he would not be taking adderall if he was not working at home.
history of our marriage is his first job he quit with out telling me or having a nother job....so he decided he would work at home which 3 years later ended
us in bankrupcty. has had 3 other jobs all of which he quit i have spent all
of his retirement monies. this time i begged him not to have another home
business because of what happened before and was promised it would not.
i know i am probably rambling .... just need any suggestion on how to deal with situation .
cindy

there is definately no future with an ADDer , you would only end up in the poor house if you get involved with one . Im glad that I found these ADD sites , which helped me decide to dump my ADD bf ... before he ruins my life and finanaces ... they are irresponsiable and frustrating to deal with emotionally and financially .

I feel you, Cindy. Everyone changes/has a wake up call when thier way of life is threatened (ADD or not), so how do you know if he's true or not, or if it will last? Even though I have ADD I thought I could offer a suggestion to you since you seem to want to feel it out for one more year till your son is out of school... If you'd rather not take the oppinion of an ADDer I understand, but I am in a relationship with a non-ADDer and these are ways we are making it work...

If he admits to needed help that is a huge step more than most ADDers will even admit, so !yea! to that... but if it's not helping than he needs some other kind of help. Perhaps you could try couples counsling with someone who has worked with ADD/non-ADD partners before. This is exactly what my boyfriend and I needed to do to work through our rough time, and now we are engaged.

Sometimes a "wakeup call" is exactly the thing you need to jump start a wonderful new begining. Unfortunatly other times it is the begining of the end. I would say since you filed for divorce you are at your witts end... completly understandable with all the financial difficulties. My friend is married to an ADDer and having the same problems, she has since decided to completely control the important monies and let him have an allowance to "play" with.

I don't know what your exact situation is, but since you are willing to try for at least until your son is out of school, why not go out with all you've got? I'm not saying exhaust yourself, just make sure you've used all the resouces first.

ADD can be a curse and a blessing, take it from someone who's there now.

Pigeon

Are you sure there is no future with an ADDer?

I have add , and I hold down a great job. Frankly, I am a little offended by your generalizations. My former boss also has adhd and is doing quite well. I also know a number of ADDers at work who are doing just fine.

ADD has some real problems, but they are not always impossible to overcome.

There are lots of ADDer's who do just fine in the world, so please don't slam us all just because yolu can not see any solutions to your troubles, thank you very much!

Me :D



there is definately no future with an ADDer , you would only end up in the poor house if you get involved with one . Im glad that I found these ADD sites , which helped me decide to dump my ADD bf ... before he ruins my life and finanaces ... they are irresponsiable and frustrating to deal with emotionally and financially .

Cindy, it's apparent that there are some very real trust and reliability issues at hand. It goes without saying that these are fundamental to any relationship. You have a huge decision ahead of you and the first things you need to ask yourself, what makes me happy, when have I been happy, and after 23 years of marriage, CAN I be happy with this man.

You have needs and expectations that should be fulfilled and it's wise to take stock of these and ascertain if they are obtainable. We all make sacrifices but we can't forget who we are and who we want to be. Look at your husband and ask yourself if you can be YOU with him in your life.

Also, you need to understand that this is a two-way street. As you stated, he feels as though you also need help, which can be very, very true. If you haven't already tried, I would highly suggest therapy, not just as individuals but as a couple. I realize that seems to be the answer to everything, trust me, I remember feeling that I could take care of it myself and that therapy was for fools. I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong; therapy has been a godsend for me. I wish you much luck and happiness…you deserve it :)







Oh and kudos to Speedo :)

Hi cindy,

some great advice so far, and I hope you find something there that speaks to you. I noticed that you said you wanted suggestions on how to deal with your situation, and that is making me think that you are not ready to toss in the towel just yet.

I do like the idea of you getting help, since your husband suggested it. Find a great counsellor who knows and deals with ADD complicated situations and talk it through in a quiet place.

You know weirdly, my add friend would so say the same thing: I'm just fine, you have the problem. Actually, I think he knows it's not totally true, but I've come to understand that it's more a defensive thing.

keep posting and let us know how you are doing

yes i have been seeing a counselor since last november and they have helped.

orginally my husband and i went together then after about two or three visits
he stopped going. maybe i do need to find someone who deals with add'ers.
thanks for the suggestion.
cindy

Besides being financially irresponsiable , another reason why I dumped my ADD bf is because I was sick and tired of being stood up or his lateness regarding time managment ... he refuses to take his meds and Im sick of his tardiness and unreliability .

Jingles, I'm glad you determined early that you and your boyfriend were not a good match. It's important that people work this out before they get married, have children and then find out they can't make it work.

Taking medication is a personal choice, and even so, it is not a cure and behaviour associated with ADD may be somewhat tempered but not eliminated. Seeking to manage one's ADD is also a personal choice.

You've made the right decision for you, and here's hoping you find someone else soon who is a better match for what you need in a relationship.

Good luck on that.

cs

btw, when you said "he refuses..." and "I'm sick of his tardiness..." I'm assuming you meant to say that in the past tense and not the present, as you have broken up with him already.

You are very welcome, cindy. I really think that someone who is experienced with ADD can give you some constructive advice for your situation.

best on that,:)

cs


yes i have been seeing a counselor since last november and they have helped.

orginally my husband and i went together then after about two or three visits
he stopped going. maybe i do need to find someone who deals with add'ers.
thanks for the suggestion.
cindy

cs

btw, when you said "he refuses..." and "I'm sick of his tardiness..." I'm assuming you meant to say that in the past tense and not the present, as you have broken up with him already.thanks for your response CS , I have not broken up with him officially as we are still friends "with benefits ' ...... I know that I will never consider marrying or living with him , a normal relationship is challanging enough but when you have one with an ADDer its even tougher . I keep my distance from him , but see him occasionally for "fun" :foot:

If he didnt have ADD , he would be the perfect bf for me ... I just cant tolerate the poor eating habits , dirty place , no money and lateness . long term ... its not worth the effort , Ive been down that path before .

You must be really disappointed, then because I get that you basically find him a very attractive person.

Still..its good for you to know where your limits are.

If you have strong expectations from a partner, its better that you honor those and be honest with your prospective partner as well.

He never meant to disappoint you, he just is what he is and you are what you are. Its ok for friends, just not a good mix for marriage based on your needs. If you don't want to tackle it, been there before, got hurt, its a fair call.

Keep looking Jingles, I always say that there is someone for everyone out there.

cs

You must be really disappointed, then because I get that you basically find him a very attractive person.

csit was very disheartning to learn of his ADD , although now he is in full denial of his illness since he stopped taking his meds . Its hard to completely let go of him because of my needs ... but I know there is no future for us as husband/wife , whick is ok for me since I dont want kids .

Absolutely I can see you would be disheartened.

I do think one shouldn't use someone for just "needs", unless its mutually agreed upon and I'm not sure you've taken that step with him.

Since he has a different perspective on things due to his ADD, you could be seriously misleading him, by continuing your relationship in the manner you mentioned, and in the meanwhile, you are keeping yourself from moving on.

This keeps you both in limbo, keeps each of you from finding someone who can be a better partner for you in the long run.

Just a thought to consider.

cs

it was very disheartning to learn of his ADD , although now he is in full denial of his illness since he stopped taking his meds . Its hard to completely let go of him because of my needs ... but I know there is no future for us as husband/wife , whick is ok for me since I dont want kids .

***I don't like to add posts like this to the non-ADD support one, but I just wanted to say that I have never heard of an ADDer "ruining" anyone's life. They are hard to work with, we know it. I once again commend you, Cindy for comming here and looking for support, and I hope you can find the right kind from now on.****

Follow your heart girlfriend

Jingles
That is a really messed up poust that there is no future with a adder,yea we are different in some areas but we are humans and we deserve a chance as individuals not just because we are "ADDERS".Im sorry if i am coming off as a B@$%? but that coment was really messed up.

CrazyGirl79:

You're going to have to grow a thicker skin if you want to read/participate on the NON-ADD PARTNER SUPPORT thread. This section is for us--the non-ADDers--and we need to be free to say the things we really feel--even when they might hurt ADDers' feelings.

ADDers have the rest of this whole forum...all we ask is that we have one tiny but safe place to share our feelings without having to worry that we might tick off an ADDer. We have to live with that fear ever day--with our spouses/partners.

-L

Absolutely I can see you would be disheartened.

I do think one shouldn't use someone for just "needs", unless its mutually agreed upon and I'm not sure you've taken that step with him.

Since he has a different perspective on things due to his ADD, you could be seriously misleading him, by continuing your relationship in the manner you mentioned, and in the meanwhile, you are keeping yourself from moving on.

This keeps you both in limbo, keeps each of you from finding someone who can be a better partner for you in the long run.

Just a thought to consider.

csits too early in the relationship to discuss where it stands ,,, but he doesnt seem to mind the " friends with benefits " approach .,,, I mean what guy would refuse a casual relationship with no strings , certainaly not him ;)

CrazyGirl79:



ADDers have the rest of this whole forum...all we ask is that we have one tiny but safe place to share our feelings without having to worry that we might tick off an ADDer. We have to live with that fear ever day--with our spouses/partners.

-L
....... exactly , took the words right outta my mouth , I thank you :)

I just have one question,i dont mean to sound rude but why would you be with someone ur in fear of?


ADDers have the rest of this whole forum...all we ask is that we have one tiny but safe place to share our feelings without having to worry that we might tick off an ADDer. We have to live with that fear ever day--with our spouses/partners.

lililegs, I just noticed that you haven't posted in other forums on this board. You don't have to have ADHD to post on the forums. Jingles has already posted on other forums and survived. :D

lililegs, I just noticed that you haven't posted in other forums on this board. You don't have to have ADHD to post on the forums. Jingles has already posted on other forums and survived. :D
You're missing the point. The other areas on this forum are for ADDers to share their thoughts and feelings and to have a safe place to discuss their issues. Yes, non-ADDers can post in those areas too, but we have to be very careful not to hurt anyone's feelings when we do. ANd that is absolutely fine--I have no problem with that.

The problem I DO have is that we non-ADDers have almost no place where we can discuss our feelings and frustrations WITHOUT having to watch our words carefully so as to NOT hurt the feelings of ADDers. I (and others) thought that this section, entitled "NON-ADDer partner support" would be that one safe place. But, instead, when someone shares how s/he feels, more often than not s/he gets attacked by an ADDer whose feelings have been hurt.

So, all I'm saying is that the ADDers who chose to read this section should not post about getting their feelings hurt by whatever we non-ADDers post here. If we say mean or hurtful things in ANY OTHER section of this forum, go ahead--rip us new ones. But here, please, let us be free to share what we are so desperate to share--our real pain and frustrations (and the good stuff) that goes with being a partner to an adult ADDer.

Thanks--
L

I like to interact with non-ADDers concidering I live with two of them, lol. But for really serious stuff don't forget about the private forum for non-ADDers. Unless someone in the non-ADD section specifically says in their post no ADD responses I like to give my point of view, because I like the non-ADD point of veiw responses in my posts. So not speaking for everyone, just myself... I enjoy the interactions, and giving some friendly reminders of how to specify what you'd like!

I just have one question,i dont mean to sound rude but why would you be with someone ur in fear of?
Not in fear of our partners, in fear of our ADD partner misinterpreting what we say in such a way as to get ticked off, as so many of you ADDers do on this forum.

I have no fear of my husband, but I fear and loathe it when he jumps to some ADD-induced conclusion that when I say, "you forgot to take out the trash like you promised" (for example) it means "you are a loser and I hate you"--when all it means is "you forgot to take out the trash like you promised."

We non-ADDers have to walk on eggshells and be EXTREMELY careful of every word, expression, and gesture we make around ADDers. So, when we come across a section of a forum entitled "NON-ADD PARTNER SUPPORT" we are thrilled because we feel like, FINALLY, we have a place where we can just be ourselves. But then, when we take that step and share our feelings, some ADDer often jumps down our throats or gives us their opinion.

You know what? Most of us (non-ADDers) do not want your opinions when we post here. And forcing us to jump through yet ANOTHER hoop into the private forums is simply unfair.

So, I am going to make a proposal in another thread so more people may read it. I'll call it "proposal": to make it clear.
-L

You know what? Most of us (non-ADDers) do not want your opinions when we post here. And forcing us to jump through yet ANOTHER hoop into the private forums is simply unfair.
I appoligize, but I have recieved a lot of positve feedback from non-ADDers who value my oppinions.... I don't get upset or angry and try not to push issues or "argue". So I figured my oppionion was mostly welcome, which was why I also suggested that in an intro post you just add the small phrase "ADDers please do not post" if you really do not want our input. Otherwise, I enjoy the interaction and I call it that because it is.... I can input and be corrected if I'm wrong.... which is what I like (just as people have misconseptions of ADD, I have misconseptions of non-ADD). So I appoligize if you took my post to mean you had to jump through another hoop, but I will post unless it is made clear I am unwelcome, just as non-ADDers post in the other forums unless one of us puts "non-ADDers please do not reply"... I will add to your thread to get some action to the rules for the forum.

You're missing the point. The other areas on this forum are for ADDers to share their thoughts and feelings and to have a safe place to discuss their issues. Yes, non-ADDers can post in those areas too, but we have to be very careful not to hurt anyone's feelings when we do. ANd that is absolutely fine--I have no problem with that.
I like the way you think, and I wish everyone could do so when reading posts, and ADDers could do the same when reading non-ADD posts as well.... personally I love the mixing of the two, maybe we could mix brains sometime :)

I need to speak out now.

It was not my attention to attack a non-adders. It was, however my intention to speak out against a very wrong assetion against adders.

However, I do regret that some people read my words as containing stronger emotion that I had intended to impart. The resultig flame war and division seems ugly and pointless to me, but does air some feeling on matters of some importance to all concerned.

This is the last comment I will make in this thread on this matter, as the purpose of this forum is non-add partner support, and is NOT about personal rants and venting frustrations.

thank you very much

Me :D

Thank you speedo.

Support is key, all the way.

cs.