Here is my problem...

I recently turned 36, and I'm single(never married no kids). I don't want to be single(would have like to have married 6 years ago or more), but at the same time do not want to 'settle' for just any woman. I consider myself fairly social(but do get nervous around certain women and people, like some of you have mentioned in other threads). I also consider myself good looking and athletic(tall, fit). I live in Sacramento, and its VERY hard to meet quality, good looking women in this town who are single and ready to date(this is a mid/small sized city, considered very family oriented). It seems like everyone here in their 30s or late 20's is frekin married, or if their single have a boyfriend or are really psycho/weird..... my question is; what would you guys recommmend me doing to meet women? I have tried a lot of different options. I have a couple of "friends"(one is married and the others are golf type buddies from work), but I'm mostly someone who doesn't have single friends to do social things with. I do most things on my own like play golf, go fishing, etc. Its frustrating cause I know their has to be some single, QUALITY women around my city! seems like the older you get, the tougher it is to me someone, way more so, if you have mental disorder's like ADD/LD. Another whole issue is, when I have a girlfriend, my ADD usually ruins it..that's usually because I have so many job problems/issues..I hopefully finally have that under control..thoughts? thanks for the feedback!

1. Why do you want to be married?
2. What are you looking for in a woman (i.e. QUALITY?)
3. How does your ADD ruin relationships?

I am 38 and I do scare away my fair share of women...but that is good in my eyes. I am myself and I refuse to turn myself into a neurotic basket case in order to score a woman.

I would try getting in touch with yourself. What does it mean to be ADD for you?...how does that seem unattractive to women? Maybe seeking out women that are like you is the answer. I have never had a successful relationship with a non-ADD women. All of my relationships with ADD women have been fantastic and helped me grow in new ways. I did do the marriage thing with a non-ADD woman and that did not work.... this is just *my* experience...but I can tell you that ADD is much more significant than fidgety white boys that interrupt their class. It is clearly a very different way of storing and processing information in the brain.

The ways we are different:
Our friendships tend to be with the opposite gender
We have trouble accepting cultural assumptions (It is almost painful)
We do not truly get culture on a sub-aware level
In order to be appropriate...we actually have to think before speaking (Most people do not)
We are context and sense based as opposed to linear and abstraction based
Love has no meaning in the terms of a social contract
We tend to get lonely easily and overwhelmed by not being alone
Time is based on context and is not linear. Yesterday can be less clear than something that happened in childhood.
We do not have a linear (mental-verbal) narrative that keeps track of what we did during the day and helps us plan.
We have very similar brains to young children... we build our realities this way. Hyperfocus and learning
We do not have gender attachment (Knowing what it is to be a "man" or a "woman")
We do not have age attachment (We do not know what it is to be a man in our late 30's)
We become very anxious when we are not ourselves...often we are: goofy, irreverent, curious, loving and fascinated with knowledge.

The DSM does not even touch what it is we are...
Do you have an ADD support group in your area? I am thinking of starting one up here in PDX. (Actually not support as much as social)

thanks for the message, Chain...well, I'm a 'veteran' adder...what I mean is-- I have known about ADD for at least 10 years know...its been a rollercoaster ride ever since I found out I had add(was diagnosed with LD in the 4th grade).. I have been to support groups, but generally the people their are to weird for me(everyone is weird/unique in their own ways, I realize, but some ADD people even though I'm weird, I think are VERy strange)..I don't know. I'm a VERY picky person, on who I'm friends with, who I relate to well, etc...I really have a problem judging people, based on looks, attitude and first impressions, NOT good at all! doesn't matter if they are ADD or not. Like you said, sometimes, I act/feel like I'm still 16/17 years old..I like old school hip hop/electro music, which in itself is pretty weird. ADD is strange, sometimes when I'm around people I feel very different..I don't know how to put it..I will often say and do really odd things, that I think make most people either think I'm a total moron, or just a idiot..I will get women's number's in public, but after going on a date with them, I usually cannot tell if they want to go out again, and this is frustrating as heck! I went out with a woman a few weeks ago, and everying seemed fine, she talked about going out again, and even mentioned going to the beach in several weeks..at the end of the date, she gave me a hug! I KNEW that was a bad sign..she said, I quote, "I will call you next week and we can go out for dinner and a movie"...well, next week came and no call...disapointing to say the least! she also seemed like she was ADD in my opinion...I don't know. As you can tell, I beat myself up a lot of times. Its hard for me to brush stuff off like most, "normal" people.

To answer your questions(sorry for the tanget!)....

1. I want to be married, so I can have kids and build a life with someone who is my best friend and partner.

2. I'm looking for a caring, patient, understanding, attractive woman. With measurements of...34...hahahha.....

3. My add ruins relationships...umm, good question...probably a whole lot of things, that are fairly typical of ADD people. One huge one, is lack of money and a real stable career..but that is changing for the better.

I have been to support groups, but generally the people their are to weird for me(everyone is weird/unique in their own ways, I realize, but some ADD people even though I'm weird, I think are VERy strange)..I don't know. I'm a VERY picky person, on who I'm friends with, who I relate to well, etc...I really have a problem judging people, based on looks, attitude and first impressions.
This is to protect yourself from disappointment... It also seems to be an issue with very physically attractive ADDers both men and women. If you are attractive...you are given more leeway by the culture but the leash is tighter. Wierd is actually pretty nice...try friendships with a wierd woman...if she hyperfocuses because she is ADD...learn to accept that. I think you will be surprised at how comfortable fellow ADDers are.

As a side note...looking for Mrs. Right is dangerous for ADD men because she usually comes in the form of a narcissist. This means you get a hollow person with an image you like that ends up controlling you...look in your family for these types... the type tends to gender skip down the generations. (My dad was a narcissist and my mom is an ADDer)



..I will get women's number's in public, but after going on a date with them, I usually cannot tell if they want to go out again, and this is frustrating as heck! I went out with a woman a few weeks ago, and everying seemed fine, she talked about going out again, and even mentioned going to the beach in several weeks..at the end of the date, she gave me a hug! I KNEW that was a bad sign..she said, I quote, "I will call you next week and we can go out for dinner and a movie".
Even most ADD women know the rule here...don't call a man you like or you will chase him away. Rules are even worse with ADDers as we tend to "over apply" them since we do not understand the nuances that allow them to alter. I have taken the stance "I have absolutely no idea if a woman likes me or not...but it does not matter if she does not...it will come out in the wash..." I do my very best not to hyperfocus...this is tough. It almost seems like hyperfocus or forget.



To answer your questions(sorry for the tanget!)....

1. I want to be married, so I can have kids and build a life with someone who is my best friend and partner. This will *most likely* be an ADDer. A best friend is someone you can let your hair down around...you know it...we seem pretty strange to normals in our "free range" state :)

Also be aware that you are a growing boy....she needs to be flexible (get that thought out of your mind...YOU know what I mean) ADDers tend to become even more childlike with age....


2. I'm looking for a caring, patient, understanding, attractive woman. With measurements of...34...hahahha..... Aren't all men ;)

I find that the personality dictates the attraction in my case... i.e. I have to be "not not attracted" but personality does it for me. I am picky too in that regard VERY few women turn me on at first sight...it is the context of a woman and that takes time...


3. My add ruins relationships...umm, good question...probably a whole lot of things, that are fairly typical of ADD people. One huge one, is lack of money and a real stable career..but that is changing for the better.
Entertain the idea that the relationships were "pre-ruined"... any front that you put up during "courtship" disappears as soon as you start feeling close. All of the sudden you are not the person they thought you were.

And then there is the hyperfocus....

Most people know how the timing is supposed to work...in fact it is "below awareness" for them. You have a dance that happens to the beat of the culture and the man leads in one way and the woman leads in another. Most people know this dance so well they don't even know there is one.

ADDer's timing is different. A day can seem like a week and A week like A day.
ADDers do not hear the beat
ADDers do not know the dance
ADDers do not even know where the dance floor is (We try to dance with them on table tops and in the bathroom of the dance hall half the time)

The odd thing is...is that we often know what the other person is supposed to be doing in this dance, lol!

This is why ADDers often scare other ADDers away :) Buck that fundimental fear of her hyperfocus...you do it too.

Anyway...sorry for being all advicey... I am working on figuring this stuff out and it is easier to understand it if I write it out. Oh yeah...and don't say your sorry too much.

Chain, again I appreciate the response, and it wasn't "advicey"....a little unclear about some of the things you touched on..what do you mean by hyperfocus, is this causing me to seem to desperate, in your opinion? also, what do you mean by relationships "were pre-ruined"?

also,what is an issue with very attractive ADDers, both men and women? not to sound conceited, but I'm probably in that category..I have been told by woman, I have the "model" type look a few times(this makes it even harder for me to get rejected by women, if you know what I mean).. I sometimes really think that I'm a little to caught up in apperance, that's for sure....

My last girlfriend, was a great person...wonderful personality, wanted to get married, BUT, again, I just didn't have hardly any physical attraction towards her... and we went out for over a year! I felt terrible when we mutually decided to end it..I knew all along that we wouldn't get married..since she was one of the very few people that I could do things with, I mainly keep her around for going to dinners, hanging out,etc...sounds terrible, I know. Life of being ADD and having few friends really sucks sometimes. That's a big part of the problem. When you don't have a social outlet, I don't care if your ADD or not, dating/meeting woman is a LOT harder. I have forced myself to talk to woman I find attractive in public. I have met 2 woman, in the last few months, and ended up going out with each one once. So I guess its not totally negative. I'm 2 for 2 in getting numbers and succeding on going out on a date! not bad odds, considering I just started a conversation up in a public place. Trying to find some positives here, if you didn't all ready guess.

I know how you feel ,I'm much better looking than average ,great body ,have a great income ,steady job. For the last 10 years I have settled ,lots of great times and stability but no more. Now I'm looking for someone I don't have to save from themself ,someone who is content to be alone ,secure ,sexy funny and stable -too tall an order ?

"The ways we are different:
Our friendships tend to be with the opposite gender
We have trouble accepting cultural assumptions (It is almost painful)
We do not truly get culture on a sub-aware level
In order to be appropriate...we actually have to think before speaking (Most people do not)
We are context and sense based as opposed to linear and abstraction based
Love has no meaning in the terms of a social contract
We tend to get lonely easily and overwhelmed by not being alone
Time is based on context and is not linear. Yesterday can be less clear than something that happened in childhood.
We do not have a linear (mental-verbal) narrative that keeps track of what we did during the day and helps us plan.
We have very similar brains to young children... we build our realities this way. Hyperfocus and learning
We do not have gender attachment (Knowing what it is to be a "man" or a "woman")
We do not have age attachment (We do not know what it is to be a man in our late 30's)
We become very anxious when we are not ourselves...often we are: goofy, irreverent, curious, loving and fascinated with knowledge."

Good realtionship summary... thanks! Casey

Hey Guys-

Sorry for snooping in here, but since I have a problem with knowing when someone is interested...I snoop to learn!

Cameron sweetie,

You might want to seriously consider reading some of the books written to help women find men, to give you some insight on how you are "supposed" to be acting. For instance, YOU should have made the call for the second date according to EVERYTHING currently occupying the self-help shelves these days, no matter what she said. Also, even if its been 2 months, if you liked her, call her again. My ADHD brother in law dated my sis hot and heavy for weeks then didn't call for three weeks, then invited her to dinner to tell her he loved her!!! That one threw us all for a loop! They're still together after 20 years.

As for buying the "How to find a man" books, just say they are for your terminally single sis' birthday.......and hide them REALLY well when you bring the dates home!!!:p

I have been trying to fix people (mostly woman) my whole life and have been worried about what people think of me and how I should act etc... I think I'm to the point where I really need to be content with the way God has made me. Like it or not. I am who I am for a very good reason I'm sure. Now if I could just figure that reason out? Ha Ha. I think that all these worries have given me the social anxiety that I get sometimes in rooms full of people. Does anyone else feel this anxiety too?

yeah, I have the soical anxiety a lot in places like; bars, nightclubs, etc. I don't like places like this, and for some reason I think that everyone is always staring at me..the thing is though, I like seeing attractive woman and since I'm no longer in college, bars/restaurants, nightclubs, is where you find the woman.

moving on, so you are suggesting ALWAYS calling a female for a second date, even if you are getting mixed signals..I sometimes can really tell when a woman likes me, and other times I have no clue. I went on a blind date last Thursday and I'm not sure if I should call her back for a second date. I didn't really get hardly any 'signals', no positive body language, etc. I guess like most everyone else, I fear rejection. When I asked if she wanted to go out again, she mentioned she did(but ALL woman say this, then when you call you get 'screened' and usually they just ignore your call). Dating sucks, that's the bottom line...especially when you get in your mid 30s and older.

1. Why do you want to be married?
2. What are you looking for in a woman (i.e. QUALITY?)
3. How does your ADD ruin relationships?

I am 38 and I do scare away my fair share of women...but that is good in my eyes. I am myself and I refuse to turn myself into a neurotic basket case in order to score a woman.

I would try getting in touch with yourself. What does it mean to be ADD for you?...how does that seem unattractive to women? Maybe seeking out women that are like you is the answer. I have never had a successful relationship with a non-ADD women. All of my relationships with ADD women have been fantastic and helped me grow in new ways. I did do the marriage thing with a non-ADD woman and that did not work.... this is just *my* experience...but I can tell you that ADD is much more significant than fidgety white boys that interrupt their class. It is clearly a very different way of storing and processing information in the brain.

The ways we are different:
Our friendships tend to be with the opposite gender
We have trouble accepting cultural assumptions (It is almost painful)
We do not truly get culture on a sub-aware level
In order to be appropriate...we actually have to think before speaking (Most people do not)
We are context and sense based as opposed to linear and abstraction based
Love has no meaning in the terms of a social contract
We tend to get lonely easily and overwhelmed by not being alone
Time is based on context and is not linear. Yesterday can be less clear than something that happened in childhood.
We do not have a linear (mental-verbal) narrative that keeps track of what we did during the day and helps us plan.
We have very similar brains to young children... we build our realities this way. Hyperfocus and learning
We do not have gender attachment (Knowing what it is to be a "man" or a "woman")
We do not have age attachment (We do not know what it is to be a man in our late 30's)
We become very anxious when we are not ourselves...often we are: goofy, irreverent, curious, loving and fascinated with knowledge.

The DSM does not even touch what it is we are...
Do you have an ADD support group in your area? I am thinking of starting one up here in PDX. (Actually not support as much as social)

Wow, those are some incredible insights, Chain, you described me (us) to a T. Where'd you find all that?

In all modesty, I have never had trouble meeting women, they seem to find me very attractive. The problem is, they're almost always the wrong women, or, if they're the right ones, I get bored and blow it.

There's much worse things that not finding someone, like being trapped in a bad marrige (as I am currently, my second).

I find it difficult to sustain relationships do to them getting on my nerves. I'm not sure if I become bored with women or what. It is simular to the feelings I get in my places of employment. As excitement and newness dwindle, attention spand shortens and aggravation and frustration follow. Soon it becomes very difficult to do things that I used to have no trouble with. I am rarely nasty in my relationships or even at work. In fact, women find me entertaining and attractive. (It sounds like I'm boasting, I'm not). At least, for a while. I have a hard time understanding why I think the way I do and how I can lack in picking up on personal cues like I do.

I skimmed through here and I did'nt see anything- Cameron, are you medicated now? Meds changed my opposite-sex interactions 180 degrees. And Hell, my same sex ones too.

Cactus, nope not medicated...don't want to be either. I tried straterra and wellbuturin..both made me feel WEIRD/SPACEY/DISSY AS H#LL! I believe most of my problmes stem from LD(learning disabilites) and not ADD...I was diagnoised with LD in the 4th grade....LD cannnot be treated with medication.

Hey Cameron-

Yes, if you want to see someone for a second date, call her. Afterall, its just a phone call. Plus, you should also consider if your date may also have difficulties with reading and giving signals.

I once dumped a guy that I was getting crazy weird mixed signals from and found out a year later that his roommate had been sabotaging us all along. (BF and I were both on the ADD end of the spectrum and the roommate actually stalked me afterwards.....not going in to that here.) The real shocker happened 4 years later when a friend introduced me to the X-BF's cousin who informed me that the BF had called his cousin 1-2 times a week for 4 years wanting to know if the cousin had met me yet. (Called long distance from South America where he was living!). Cousin told me that I "ripped his heart from his chest, threw it on the ground and stomped all over it" when I broke up with him. I had no idea:confused: . And no inclination to move to South America:o. .

As for meds, I have yet to meet an adult who has responded well if at all to Straterra. Don't be afraid to try some of the others, maybe even just the wellbutrin by itself. As for whether or not you are ADD, I'm convinced that eventually someone will figure out why our brains seem to exist on a plane separate from 90% of the rest of the world and it won't be called ADD. Until then, I'll use the meds that help when I need them! :p

Cameron et al, in a feeble attempt at consolation, I'm 46 and single!

I'm not a monstrous freak who's name is followed by a long list of felony convictions. ADHD does bring it's "social disfunction" protocol to bear, which may have more to do with my solo life than I care to realize. I must state however, I just don't think of my mate or relationship status very much. I've always flown solo and don't really pine for any other style of life.

I'm empathetic to your emotional situation as much as is possible for me, but I'm just not feeling the angst. I suppose that's a good thing in this scenario. I'm really bad at the social interaction thing when it comes to groups. Relationships often lead to introduction into the social group of one's new thing. Scrutinization is unavoidable and often down right offensive by said group. Add that I'm waaaaayyyyyy in the public eye and I'm ready to engage the cloaking device. These things could be factors as well, but I just don't feel a drive, desire, or more specifically, a need to be married or in a permanent type of relationship.

By the way, Chain is killing me with his web page. Chain, with whom are you working on this project? Talk about putting someone right in the crosshairs! Everything from physical description, to strengths and weaknesses, to habit and propensity is precisely on target. How did this all start for you, Chain?

I'm a single never married 44 year old celibate male. Getting married would be nice, but i also realize that with the pressures of ADD and life in general, i ought to have a plan for how to have a happy single life.

A therapist told me this is the best course for me to follow: 2 life plans--one if married, one if single.

Any ideas on developing a fulfilled single life--so i have all bases covered.

Ideas appreciated.

DBR

I'll start--an ADDfriendly job I love is one suggestion.


DBR:)

dbr2,

nice message! 2 life plans is a good idea...I'm not much of a "planner" or a goal setter, this is one of my problems..it is a good idea though....

A happy single fulfilled life would consist of having a few hobbies.

some of my hobbies(if I didn't have any, I would be TOTALLY insane, cause I don't have really any friends)..

in no particular order...

1. golf
2. fishing
3. watching college football(yes a hobby)
4. reading(spirtual books, political stuff(radical left wing)
5. MUSIC...I have hundredes of cds, and MP3's...along with djing gear--2 turntables(still think I'm 18).


interesting to hear other's responses on this! chime in

My advice:
Start DJing parties...DJs always get the hottest girls ;)

Alternatively, get really really good at golf. If Tiger Woods, who isn't a particularly gorgeous specimen of a man, can marry a swedish supermodel, so can you, so long as you own everyone else in the world at golf.

I only expect a thank you when you get married.

your funny kid!

having problems with the golf game....I can really drive the ball, but have problems like most amatures do at my short game....chipping, putting, etc....plus I'm an old man now(unlike you)...I wish I was your age...woman galore! I remember having chicks pick ME up! NEVER happens anymore.... The ones who do you pick you up, well let's just say that you don't call them back when they offer the number to you. Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled program--golf! I'm not planning on going pro in golf(I know you were joking anyway). Just a fun hobbby. Since I can no longer play B-ball very good anymore, I took up golf, its a good OLD MAN sport...btw, I'm in my mid 30s..:)


DJing...ummm, well...unless I start a DJing business, that's a no go. I don't like clubs and doing parties is a hard gig...unless you have a lot of contacts, friends and network well...which I don't. I don't want to doing wedding stuff either, although the money is good once you find people who want to use you. I just love music and do it for a hobby. I mostly listen to stuff nowadays anyway. I would like to get some CD turntables though, those things are amazing!!

Anybody know anybody who has had any success with the online dating site eharmony?

They claim to match you on 20+ personality dimensions. I logged onto the site and started filling out my self-assessment on various traits. Being as honest as I could, I clicked on "save and exit." I'd hate to be the first person to be told I don't have enough positve traits to be matched.

i realize that's a negative statement. But I realize it's another tendency of mine to be too hard on myself.

When my Doc took me off Strattera and onto Adderall, he hoped it would give me more motivation--to meet some women for one thing. Once again proving the pills don't do everything! :-)

Cheers,
DBR

Singles thread:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14879&highlight=online+dating

Online dating:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20259&highlight=online+dating
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15983&highlight=online+dating
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7982&highlight=online+dating

Some of these threads may be a bit older, but it might have what you're looking for.

Eyeforgot--

Thank you for the links.

DBR