I'm really new to this group and have had a couple of glasses of wine ... I may regret this, but I feel like venting, so look out ...

Married 17 years to a guy who swept me off his feet because he was passionate and attentive and considerate and generous and creative and entertaining, etc. He had a previous marriage with a young daughter. After one year of marriage, when she was 5, she moved in with us. She was a sweet, well-intentioned kid, but an out-of-control nightmare. I was a new step-parent with no experience with any of this and just thought she was a hyper, undisciplined brat. But I still loved her and treated her like my own, and actually parented her more than her birth mom or my husband. I was the one who went to the school meetings, signed her up for gymnastics, set up playdates, tried to provide structure in her life, etc.

So when she's 11, we finally figure out this whole ADHD thing. Same old story -- while filling out the checklist for her, my husband realizes that he's right there with her. We all go to therapy; they're both medicated. My husband stops after about a year. My step-daughter does it compliantly for a couple of years, then "forgets" regularly. Eventually she moves out of the house in her senior year of high school and hasn't been on meds since. She's almost 22 now. But that's a whole 'nother story.

At the height of the intense teenage stress with her (we also had two kids of our own when she was 15 and 17), I started realizing just how much he was like her -- immature, irresponsible (only on personal issues -- professionally he's over the top productive), money burns holes in the pocket, shifts interest intensely from one thing to the next, IMPULSIVE, etc etc ...

He married his first wife after one month of dating. It was a disaster. He asked me to marry him after 3 months. I said yes, but wanted to to wait a year to actually do it. Then 3 years ago, he bumped into an old female friend, felt an attraction and left me -- all ready to start a new life with her on a moment's notice. After 3 months of LIVING HELL, he came crawling back. I didn't immediately say yes ... we went to counselling for a few months and gradually got reconnected. I still feel like a chump.

I love him and hate him. I can't believe what he's put me through. If we didn't have kids (only 5 and 7 now), I honestly would've RAN not walked when the whole affair crap came down. My kids made me not give up.

Still, it's not without daily doubt and sacrifice. Why did I fall for someone so high-maintenance? He suffers from anxiety attacks and gladly takes valium every day to ward them off, but he does nothing to reign in the ADD. I send him to the store for a gallon of milk and he comes back with 2 bags of groceries -- all impulse items. He constantly treats our kids to sweets and TV and toys ... because he "loves them" without realizing that as a parent you're supposed to use good judgement and NOT give your kids everything you want. So I'm always the bad guy.

During our split, he pulled out 20K from his retirement fund and blew the whole thing. In 3 months! One of the things, tho, was a big diamond ring for me when he came back -- that's the sweet side.

OK, I know I'm going on and on ... this is the last thing. Because of ADHD, I think, and being bullied as a kid in school, he has incredibly low self-esteem. To compensate he plays the real macho a-hole a lot of times. He spent 8 years in the military before I met him. I think it was necessary at that time in his life -- he thrived in the structured, disciplined environment. My dad was a Navy guy and I respect people who serve, but I'm a liberal democrat. Over the past few years he has gradually become more and more right wing and is all about the military. I'm talking about a guy who hasn't been in for about 20 years, but wears t-shirts emblazoned with military slogans, orders boots and jackets and backpacks from GI-joe type magazines, etc. It's so opposite of me. And this was never an issue before. But in the 17 years that we've been together he's been obessively into his Scottish heritage (even though his family has lived int he U.S. for 7 or 8 generations). He HAD to own an entire outfit (kilt, sporan, shoes, sword, shield, knife, etc.) -- everything had to be of the best quality. We spent TONS of money on that stuff. I turned over an entire paycheck to him once just so that he would buy it and quit bugging me about wanting more. I thought that would do it, but a couple of years later, he opened a credit card account (without even discussing it) and racked up $3000-4000 on more stuff. Then -- as he would say, because of my badgering -- he gave it up. His next phase was being a skinhead ... he had been involved in a music scene in the early '80s that was skinhead. They weren't the nazi racists, they were more into the style. So at the age of 40-something, he decides he's going to be a skinhead again. To me, this is almost pathetically embarrassing ... clinging to the glory days of your youth. How can I be so inconsiderate as to not understand how much it means to him??? This is something he did YEARS before I even met him, but all of a sudden it's the most important thing in his life again. Of course, it involves buying all sorts of expensive, very specific clothes. It's a pattern -- there needs to be a uniform that has very strict rules (Scottish highland attire, skinhead, military) and there's a feeling of superiority/tough-guy machismo. It's so frustrating, because I know all of this is fueled by his insecurities and low self-esteem, but it manifests itself as him being an over-the-top jerk.

Alrighty then. Have I said too much? Don't want to make this into a journal! But whaddya y'all think of this? Does it sound familiar? Do we have to be the strong, supportive martyrs for our children? Are the intense emotions that these men give us when they're up worth all of the other crap?

Thanks for letting me rant! :eek: :eek:

Wow!!! :eek:

Could a NON-add'er step in please?

ps. Hon I think you need your own thread with all this information. :faint:

Chitchat I think we nons are all here trying to figure out what it worth putting up with, and why we do it. And from what I have been reading all of this is familiar to at least some one person here :)

Chitcat - I' don't have alot of advice for you but I feel your pain! We love them and we hate them! Well said! In my case after reading your post I wanted to hug my Add'r but I'm still mad at him for something. I think you've come to the right place and will get lots of support and input from both sides. I have found that ranting and raving in a nuetral environment has helped. Also seperating a lot of my life from my add'r has helped. The seperate bank account has helped alot also. Hang in there, and come here often. There's lots of us on your side!

Chitchat I think we nons are all here trying to figure out what it worth putting up with, and why we do it. And from what I have been reading all of this is familiar to at least some one person here :)Nons and ADDers alike this may sound familiar too.... I too have gone through the situation of does he love me wanna be with me or not? Thankfully, I was able to see the pattern and stop it before I was hurt badly (luckily there were no kids involved). Unfortuantly I have put someone through the situation too, regretfully. Thankfully, I realized what I was doing and was able to get help and now am on my way to a happy healthy relationship (all this BEFORE I ever knew about ADD).... now that I know, I don't mean to cross any boundaries, but blessed be to all of you who have the courage to put up with and go through it.... I can't imagine what it'd be like with kids in the mix. And to those of you who are ready to give up, anyone who's been there would understand why.... and know why it's so hard to make that oh so "final" decision.... and I hope that both sides can see how destructive it can be to a person to go through this for months and years.

Hi Chitcat,

wow you had some steam building there! :) Well relax because you are among friends here, both ADD an nonADD. We're all here for support.

I"m nonADD but I had to smile reading your examples, because they SOOOOO sound like my very best friend who is ADHD.

From all the listening and talking and reading I've done to try to understand my friend better, I'd say that there is a whole range of typical behaviours and perceptions for ADD folk and they can be as different as snowflakes in how their ADD manifests in and around some commonalities, like innattention, distracting thoughts, time perceptions.

But yes, trust of impulsive urges is certainly a repeated theme. Since the decision making process for "normal" people (if I might stereotype a bit) most often involves weighing pros and cons, the seeming unpredictability can really feel upsetting. I've definitely felt concern over his decisions, even those that impact me, so yes, he's listened to my "pitch" before!!!! Sometimes he agrees, but often not, because he is very comfortable with how he decides things.

One time, I had a difficult decision to make, and as much as I enjoyed his impulsive approach and sometimes had a wee chuckle when he told me how he made decisions, I showed him my spreadsheet where I had clearly outlined pros and cons vs what I wanted...etc. etc. I think he laughed for 10 minutes. Solid.:p :D

Living with someone whose decision making mechanisms are very different would be a very large challenge, and especially if there are financial impacts, the conflicts might be very serious indeed.:(

I don't think being a martyr for someone else is a very good thing in the long run, though, even if its a role that partners tend to slip into, out of love. :)

So glad you came here, Chitcat, I hope we can be of some help

cs


Alrighty then. Have I said too much? Don't want to make this into a journal! But whaddya y'all think of this? Does it sound familiar? Do we have to be the strong, supportive martyrs for our children? Are the intense emotions that these men give us when they're up worth all of the other crap?

Thanks for letting me rant! :eek: :eek:

Thanks everyone ... I really needed to let it out!! haha I don't mean to sound like I live in a vacuum either. Because we went to family counseling years ago with my step-daughter and then couples counseling for almost 2 years during our rough patch. We read books jointly (Dr. Gottman's marriage books are AWESOME), made sure we had our special time and all that. It's just after awhile he started feeling picked on because in therapy our problems would usually come back to him. And because of his insecurities, like what Pidgeon said -- he gets really worried that I don't love him and won't stay. No amount of reassuring can settle him. So in the end, it seems like it's not worth the joint therapy. I went by myself, too, but I had to hide it from him because he'd say "Why do you have to go see her without me?" Like, he knew we would be talking about him. So I'd lie again and say it's my own issues that don't involve you. It just became too complicated. I dunno. I'm not planning on going anywhere -- I'm in this marriage for life. I believe he loves me and I love him and ultimately we have a good life. There's no abuse or malicious attacks. Intentions are all good. But as my mom used to say: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" So it can just be so frustrating and depressing and difficult at times.

Another major behavior that he has that I forgot to mention (and I haven't really seen many others talk about) is INCESSANT talking in social situations. Like lots of others here, we've sort of devised separate lives when it comes to friends and social situations. When we do go out to a party or dinner or something together, I'm on edge all night because he'll trap one person in an endless conversation. Going on and on and on about something that interestes him. He never asks them questions or shows an interest in something they might want to say. He doesn't read facial expressions or body language. I have to save people. And it's not just my imagination, because friends have privately come to me about it. I even had a business acquaintance of his mention this to me. We've talked about this on our own and in therapy. He acknowledged that he does it, and thinks it's his way of soothing himself in an uncomfortable situation (because social settings are stressful for him), but he can't seem to curb it. So the solution has been that we pretty much go out separately or else on a date, just the two of us. I'm a real social person, so that's been a little hard. But we deal.

I don't mean to seem really harsh to all you ADDers out there by whining so much. I do recognize the positives. He's sensitive and loving and intense and creative and funny -- way more than the average person. And he has learned to circumvent some of the common ADD "problems" ... like he's NEVER late. He has such a structured routine that he follows in the morning.

Thanks again!

P.S. Just as a funny aside -- he's on the phone with his mom right now. She's just like him. They have 1-2 hour conversations every Sunday where they both talk louder to speak over the other. Interrupting constantly and sharing each mundane detail of their last week. It's hilarious, but a great outlet for both of them. :)

Chitcat,
I wish all non-ADDers were as articulate, empathetic, compassionate and impartial as you are when discussing the down side of life as an ADDer. Keep talking.

By the way, both of my grandparents were born in Scotland. I am not interested in the clothes, but have spent a small fortune on searching my roots in Scotland. :D

Thanks everyone ... It's just after awhile he started feeling picked on because in therapy our problems would usually come back to him. And because of his insecurities, like what Pidgeon said -- he gets really worried that I don't love him and won't stay. No amount of reassuring can settle him.

As I said above I am an ADD'er married to a NON-add'er so feel free to overlook my post if you feel the need. We have the same issue as above in our own marriage but opposite. My husband is 13 years my elder and is constantly worried that I will find a new love within my age bracket. The idea is totally absurd to myself and I have found a way to combat some of his insecurities with very little work on my part. I love to bake and make special goodies that my husband loves when he asks whats the occasion I just tell him "I got to thinking about you today and wanted to make something special for you" ;) , I also gave my husband and kids an "I love you because" jar two Christmas' ago where all year long I write a note of what they did that day or what they said that day that made me love them just a little more. So everyday they have a new note to read. It sounds stupid but I have caught all 3 on a bad day with their notes scattered around them.

So in the end, it seems like it's not worth the joint therapy. I went by myself, too, but I had to hide it from him because he'd say "Why do you have to go see her without me?" Like, he knew we would be talking about him. So I'd lie again and say it's my own issues that don't involve you. It just became too complicated. I dunno. I'm not planning on going anywhere -- I'm in this marriage for life. I believe he loves me and I love him and ultimately we have a good life. There's no abuse or malicious attacks. Intentions are all good. But as my mom used to say: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" So it can just be so frustrating and depressing and difficult at times.

Does your husband go to therapy separatly? If not perhaps getting him to go alone will help ease his discomfort with the whole situation. We found a therapist who not only treats myself but my husband and then once a month we have a family meeting.

Another major behavior that he has that I forgot to mention (and I haven't really seen many others talk about) is INCESSANT talking in social situations. Like lots of others here, we've sort of devised separate lives when it comes to friends and social situations. When we do go out to a party or dinner or something together, I'm on edge all night because he'll trap one person in an endless conversation. Going on and on and on about something that interestes him. He never asks them questions or shows an interest in something they might want to say. He doesn't read facial expressions or body language. I have to save people. And it's not just my imagination, because friends have privately come to me about it. I even had a business acquaintance of his mention this to me. We've talked about this on our own and in therapy. He acknowledged that he does it, and thinks it's his way of soothing himself in an uncomfortable situation (because social settings are stressful for him), but he can't seem to curb it. So the solution has been that we pretty much go out separately or else on a date, just the two of us. I'm a real social person, so that's been a little hard. But we deal.

Does your husband have any friends of his own who seem to accept his chatter as a part of him? Or is he more relaxed with these friends? I am just the opposite when with my friends I can talk, share, ask questions, keep the other party involved; but, when with Doug's friends I clam up and just smile like an idiot. His friends think I'm a witch but the truth is I'm terrified of embarrassing my husband. :faint:

We've found that hosting bar-b-q's with both our friends. Enables me to be much more calm, fun and entertaining. I can run around making sure everyone is enjoying themselves (without anyone realizing that I just can't sit still) and I am able to hold a conversation without clamming up or taking over as long as people I am comfortable with are involved.

I don't mean to seem really harsh to all you ADDers out there by whining so much. I do recognize the positives. He's sensitive and loving and intense and creative and funny -- way more than the average person. And he has learned to circumvent some of the common ADD "problems" ... like he's NEVER late. He has such a structured routine that he follows in the morning.

Theres a difference between a rant and sounding harsh. Your ranting which is your right, please feel free to rant away.

Thanks again!

P.S. Just as a funny aside -- he's on the phone with his mom right now. She's just like him. They have 1-2 hour conversations every Sunday where they both talk louder to speak over the other. Interrupting constantly and sharing each mundane detail of their last week. It's hilarious, but a great outlet for both of them. :)

You think that is funny? You should come to a family gathering at my house. :p to make it easier on myself I"m going to list my sibling in order and their disorders.

Father-adopted us/normal
Mother-ADD/Depression

Brother M-adopted/ADD
Wife-SELFISH!!!!!!!!
two kids no disorders apparant yet

Sister K-BOSSY!!!!!!!
Husband-Hyper
Nephew B-Stubborn, angry (just got back from boot camp and is mad at the world)
Nephew A-16 (need I say more)
Nephew C- ADD
Nephew D-ADHD
Nephew C-Adorable

My family ME-ADHD/OCD/PTSD/Anxiety/Depression
Husband-Normal
Son-ADHD/OCD/Depression
Daughter-ADD/ODD
Baby-who knows but looking at his prospects :faint:

the list goes on to be sure as I have 4 brothers I haven't listed and 5 other sisters.

We not only have different disorders but many of us are adopted so we are culterally different and have different political and religious views. All but 4 of us live in the same town of 220 people and I live right smack in the middle. We get together at least every other weekend.

Last weekend my husband and I hosted a bar-b-q for our family and some close friends of the family. When it came time to eat Doug blasted a boat horn to get our attention. lmao

Sometimes, life's a dance
We just don't know all the moves yet :rolleyes:

Go on you! My cheeks are hurting from all the grinning I'm doing!!! :D :D :D

Its like I"m with my b friend right now!!! (very nice)

nucking_futs
I was reading through this post and i know this is a lil off of the subject but this is a great idea
I also gave my husband and kids an "I love you because" jar two Christmas' ago where all year long I write a note of what they did that day or what they said that day that made me love them just a little more. So everyday they have a new note to read. It sounds stupid but I have caught all 3 on a bad day with their notes scattered around them.
This is such a great idea.:D

Sandra

Easy too...I buy the jars off season so their under $5 a piece and keep the little notes on a separate journal which I type up every night before going to bed. The night before Christmas I print them off, fold and put in the new jar for each one. The cool thing is they started doing one for me.

The jars are colored glass and are used as a decoration or for small storage when they get their new jar. Unless your like doug and koda and keep your notes. lol and they say men aren't sentimental.

I think the jars are a great idea and will have to give them a try. Also, Nucking Futs, I have to say I loved your screen name the first time I saw it and now the Napoleon Dynamite dance number. You rule!

So I'm feeling guilty that all I've done is complain about my hubby. And I appreciate everyone's responses. Now I need to admit that I can do my share of b*tching and whining to him. He's told me I have no bedside manner. We grew up in completely different home environments. My parents were very disciplined and matter of fact. We had love, but we aren't a touchy feely family. My husband grew up getting most anything he wanted (within reason, they weren't wealthy), but he was an only child and his mom is really mushy and sentimental. I've seen her cry more than my own mom and I've only seen her 6 or 7 times because we live so far away. He showers me with affection to the point of being suffocating. And as our therapist pointed out, it's because that's what HE wants and wishes I would do to him. He doesn't realize that he needs to give me space or that when I'm doing the dishes, that's not the time to come up and lay one on me. See ... that sounds ungrateful, I bet. But it's almost chronic. We can be home together for hours and the one time he wants to get cuddly is when I'm in the middle of something!

So we have a really different dynamic and I try not to be nagging ... I'm nice the first few times. But after I have to ask him 3 or 4 or 5 times to PLEASE take care of something -- and I mean something as easy as calling the insurance company or making an appt -- I start losing it. And I think I lose respect for him in the process. Then I get snippy. I mean, I hate doing those sort of menial household crappy tasks, too, but I have no choice. It wouldn't get done if I didn't do it. And so I get crabby. And I don't like that about myself.

All I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be nicer and more compassionate all of the time. On a good day when I can think about it and rationalize it, I can be really decent and respectful. But on a bad day when I've just had enough, I can't handle his cavalier attitude and excuses. Then I can be demeaning and impatient. It's just not good. But spewing here has made me better at home. Letting it all out is good and it helps to look at him more compassionately in "real" life.

And I have to admit, being new to this, I'm not keen to what all the acronyms are about. What's PTSD and ODD? OCD? Is that Oppositional Compulsive/Confrontational (?) Disorder? I know my step-daughter had that -- where they fight and push and fight and fight and just plain fight becaus the stress from the argument literally gives them a buzz.

My husband, I don't think does that, but at the same time, he sort of pushes me on things that he knows I hate. Like I said before, I'm liberal and pro-working things out verbally, etc. He shoots off at the mouth about killing someone or beating the crap out of someone or a quasi-racist comment and it mortifies me. I ask him, can we just not speak about the subject, can we end the discussion. And he ALWAYS without exception has to get one last dig in. It drives me nuts. I get ****ed and we have a lot of tension. The thing is, when it comes down to it, he's a softie. I've never seen him get in a physical fight. He's mostly all talk, but he knows I HATE hearing that kind of violent crap and he does it anyway. Over and over. Then I get more hateful. It's a vicious cycle.

Besides ADD/ADHD, I'm sure he suffers from depression. He tells me how hopeless he feels lots of times. He also suffers from IBS. And his anxiety attacks. And he has high blood pressure, a herniated disk, a torn miniscus and an arthritic hip. And he's only 45!! Sometimes I rib him about what a feeble old man he's going to be. So as annoyed as I get with him, I need to remind myself that it must be way worse to actually be HIM! haha ... didn't mean that to sound cruel.

My last comment is I don't think I would be analyzing all of this and feeling so woe is me as much right now if it weren't for the fact that our son is in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD himself. Makes me wonder what the blip did I do in a previous life? I've already raised a daughter who wasn't my own who had ADHD, I'm married to one, my son may have it and my daughter is speech dealyed and very likely Asperger's. It's some kind of test!!!

About the kids, personally I seriously think it has to do with all the pesticides and such people were exposed to before, causing more altered brains being born, but don't get me started on that subject, lol.... anyway about the issues with your hubby, some of those things remind me of the topics in the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus have you read it? and if not, you should.... because even though ADD and depression and everything else is tough, some of it may just be "normal" (what is normal anyway? lol) but anyway, I read it and it really helped me understand some behaviors that were going on, AD/HD and other things makes these a little more, um "out there" to put it nicely, but the real situation could be part of a "normal" male cycle, lol imagine that!!! It'd be worth looking into, it's one of my fav books to refer too, hope it helps!

Dunno Chitcat...I'm really hearing the love/hate thing going on there. If you are sure you wish to stay in a relationship with someone who left you upon impulse, and with whom you wouldn't have stayed with except for the children, how can you ever come to terms and let that frustration and resentment go?

Wrestling with it everyday can sure drag you down, and if he is not interested in managing his ADD (did I get that right?) how can you keep yourself safe and growing and getting some satisfaction out of life?

If you are not careful, you will completely burn out, yes?

I'm replying because my heart goes out to you. In my marriage I am the ADD one, but hubby has his share of insecurities and self-esteem issues. I so identified with the touchy feely stuff you wrote about. I am NOT at all the physically affectionate and hubby is uber-affectionate -- DRIVES ME CRAZY! I can totally relate. Unfortunately, I have no advice because I still haven't figured out how to handle it and not hurt his feelings.

As for not putting him on the defensive about stuff, I learned a long time ago that when I had a problem with something hubby was doing I would have to phrase the complaint as a request to have my needs met. For example, if not calling home when he was going to be late was making me crazy I NEVER said something like - YOU NEVER CALL HOME WHEN YOUR LATE! I always phrased it like - I really need for you to call me when you are going to be late or else I am consumed with worry for you. Ok, it was stroking his ego to get my way, but when I found that it was so much easier when using the "I need" phrasing to get what I really needed or wanted from him it was worth it.

As for how much you are willing to take in your marriage - you need to set your own limits. Only you know what's best for you (notice I said you not the kids). I believe that we all have our reasons for staying or leaving relationships and I encourage you to discover what exactly you are willing to learn to live with and what is the line in the sand for you. When you have figured it out let your husband know. I always have to remind myself that my husband isn't a mind reader and I must be completely honest about my feelings so that he knows where he stands. If I am feeling resentful of him for his behavior or even for not being here (we're military and he's currently deployed) I tell him even when I know he may not be able to help himself. It gives him a better understanding of how he affects the relationship and it opens up a dialogue where he can feel free to tell me when I am doing something that hurts him (I was very guilty of emasculating him on a regular basis for a very long time).

Anyway, good luck to you and please continue to post here. I find your rants both touching and sometimes funny. Like his phone conversations with his mother -- that's me and my mom to a T!

I think the jars are a great idea and will have to give them a try. Also, Nucking Futs, I have to say I loved your screen name the first time I saw it and now the Napoleon Dynamite dance number. You rule!

lol I do try to please ;)

So I'm feeling guilty that all I've done is complain about my hubby. And I appreciate everyone's responses. Now I need to admit that I can do my share of b*tching and whining to him. He's told me I have no bedside manner. We grew up in completely different home environments. My parents were very disciplined and matter of fact. We had love, but we aren't a touchy feely family. My husband grew up getting most anything he wanted (within reason, they weren't wealthy), but he was an only child and his mom is really mushy and sentimental. I've seen her cry more than my own mom and I've only seen her 6 or 7 times because we live so far away. He showers me with affection to the point of being suffocating. And as our therapist pointed out, it's because that's what HE wants and wishes I would do to him. He doesn't realize that he needs to give me space or that when I'm doing the dishes, that's not the time to come up and lay one on me. See ... that sounds ungrateful, I bet. But it's almost chronic. We can be home together for hours and the one time he wants to get cuddly is when I'm in the middle of something!

Hmmm this is a hard one. A lot of women are complaining that they wish their husband would be more physical, attentive and cuddly. How I combat these situations is tell my husband that when the kids are up I don't want him groping and trying to make out with me. For the most part he understands and complies but once they've gone to bed :rolleyes: your fair game. And...

this is where it could get ugly here for me. Maybe you could try and be a little more attentive to his need for hugs and kisses. *ducks* I'm not saying go all out and grope him all day long but when you walking by him maybe pat him and the shoulder and smile letting him know you know he's there. A little love note hidden in his lunch box? *thinks to self* shut up already. :faint:

So we have a really different dynamic and I try not to be nagging ... I'm nice the first few times. But after I have to ask him 3 or 4 or 5 times to PLEASE take care of something -- and I mean something as easy as calling the insurance company or making an appt -- I start losing it. And I think I lose respect for him in the process. Then I get snippy. I mean, I hate doing those sort of menial household crappy tasks, too, but I have no choice. It wouldn't get done if I didn't do it. And so I get crabby. And I don't like that about myself.

I hate setting appts the main reason is because I can't say "no" so if I"m told that they have a 10am opening I'll be running from one appt to another instead of just saying "no that doesn't work for me". We've found that if my husband sets the appt. I can have everything ready and take care of the appts. whether they be insurance, doctor or school related.

All I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be nicer and more compassionate all of the time. On a good day when I can think about it and rationalize it, I can be really decent and respectful. But on a bad day when I've just had enough, I can't handle his cavalier attitude and excuses. Then I can be demeaning and impatient. It's just not good. But spewing here has made me better at home. Letting it all out is good and it helps to look at him more compassionately in "real" life.

OMG your human :eek:. Living with an ADD'er is not easy neither is living with a NON-add'er. Your husband has to stand up and take responsibility for his actions and the only way to acheive that is with your support but lady in case you didn't know let me inform you now you have limits to the amount of **** you can take in one day.

So, if coming here and ranting is making life in "real time" easier and more manageable then please by all means rant away, we don't mind. Support is our name and support is our game. :D

And I have to admit, being new to this, I'm not keen to what all the acronyms are about. What's PTSD and ODD? OCD? Is that Oppositional Compulsive/Confrontational (?) Disorder? I know my step-daughter had that -- where they fight and push and fight and fight and just plain fight becaus the stress from the argument literally gives them a buzz.

PTSD=post traumatic stress disorder (I grew up in an abusive home and have flashback and nightmares though not often anymore), ODD=Oppositional Defiance Disorder (you have a pretty good grasp on that one), OCD=Obsessive compulsive disorder (When I started Behaviour Modification I had no positive feedback and beat myself up over tasks not acheived, so I've become very compulsive about my living space, I cannot sleep if my house is not spotless, I'm always cleaning something because I can't meet my own standards.)

My husband, I don't think does that, but at the same time, he sort of pushes me on things that he knows I hate. Like I said before, I'm liberal and pro-working things out verbally, etc. He shoots off at the mouth about killing someone or beating the crap out of someone or a quasi-racist comment and it mortifies me. I ask him, can we just not speak about the subject, can we end the discussion. And he ALWAYS without exception has to get one last dig in. It drives me nuts. I get ****ed and we have a lot of tension. The thing is, when it comes down to it, he's a softie. I've never seen him get in a physical fight. He's mostly all talk, but he knows I HATE hearing that kind of violent crap and he does it anyway. Over and over. Then I get more hateful. It's a vicious cycle.

Honestly, all that violent talk just scares me and would **** me off too. I'd once again say therapy he obviously has some anger issues he needs to get worked out. And if you can't get him there try not reacting to him in "real time" instead come blow up on us and we'll be here to support you. See if no reaction gets better behaviour. Honestly, I'm throwing my hands up in the air on this one.

Besides ADD/ADHD, I'm sure he suffers from depression. He tells me how hopeless he feels lots of times. He also suffers from IBS. And his anxiety attacks. And he has high blood pressure, a herniated disk, a torn miniscus and an arthritic hip. And he's only 45!! Sometimes I rib him about what a feeble old man he's going to be. So as annoyed as I get with him, I need to remind myself that it must be way worse to actually be HIM! haha ... didn't mean that to sound cruel.

My mother is 65, has high blood pressure, anxiety, herniated disk and arthritis in her hands not to mention she will be having surgery on her knee this week and then leaving for Washington two days later. We've been raised on the mentality that you live your life, you do not allow life to live you. I hope that makes sense to you because I doubt I can explain basically its a mentality.

My last comment is I don't think I would be analyzing all of this and feeling so woe is me as much right now if it weren't for the fact that our son is in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD himself. Makes me wonder what the blip did I do in a previous life? I've already raised a daughter who wasn't my own who had ADHD, I'm married to one, my son may have it and my daughter is speech dealyed and very likely Asperger's. It's some kind of test!!!

Perhaps you are allowing your husband's attitude to drag you down. I mean maybe your with these people because you are the only one who can handle them and it has nothing to do with past wrongs.

So, your son is being dx'd ADHD you know a lot more now and will know a lot more then you did with your daughter and you weren't around to raise your husband. What I'm saying is you probably already know that meds alone do not make living life with ADHD any easier you need to attack it in all directions meds, BMPs, therapy, etc,etc. Educate yourself it will become your biggest ally in raising a self sufficent, stable man.

Hugs and much love,
Cherity

ps. Sounds like your beating yourself up today, too much stress? Try to plan a fun day with no fighting for you and your family. Even as an ADD'er I need a good day to remind myself its all worth it with the kids.

I know what you're saying, CrimeScene. At the time of our 3-month split it became really apparent really fast that all of "our" friends were really "my" friends. People's jaws fell open when I said he left me -- they all thought that I would be the one to go. Honestly, I think almost every last one thinks I made a mistake to go back to him. My family and I don't really talk about it ... that's the way WE are!! Less said, less conflict, less troubles, the better! Yes, I have plenty of my "own" issues!!! But with the mid-life insanity episode that he had, I still trust him implicitly. That was the only infidelity in our entire relationship. And he's very aware that that was strike 1, 2 and 2-1/2. If he even THINKS about doing something like that again, I'll be outta here so fast his head'll spin.

Sometimes after a bad day, I lay in bed and contemplate divorce. But before his summer of insanity (as I like to call it), I never EVER considered it an option. I knew things weren't perfect with us, but compared to virtually everyone else I know in a relationship, we were doing just fine. He would like to have that new relationship passion and intensity forever and is much more the romantic than me the practical one. And yes, you're right NuckingFuts, many women would LOVE to get the attention I do. It's the classic grass is always greener, I guess. But back to the divorce thing, after he left and I was faced with the reality of being on my own with the kids, I realized that divorce is an option. But it's still an option I don't want to take. My parents divorced, my youngest sister has been married twice, my hubby has a previous marriage. Many of the reasons I don't want to divorce are totally selfish and based on my own insecurities and stubbornes ... plus I want to grow old with the man I've spent most of my life with. I want to be a rickety old lady with a crochety old man, who I can look at and remember when we were both young and hot and all the fun and wild things we used to do. I want to have holidays together with our kids -- not christmas at your house this year, birthdays at mine, etc. I absolutely LOATHE that sort of splitting of time with the kids. Not from the parent's point of view, but from the kids. I lived it and it sucks. You always feel like someone is being left out, because they are. I also want to maintain the financial security that we've built, well, err ... that I've built with our money!!

I know that can sound like a cop out. And honestly, it probably is to a point. But I really do intend to stay and just continue to work things out. There's good times and bad and I try to focus on why we fell in love in the first place. What attracted me to him, how did he behave that I liked, etc.

If he could get a handle on his intolerance/anger/hostility/GI-Joe mentality, I could be pretty satisfied. The other quirks are minor in comparison for me. It's just such a sensitive subject with him. Mainly because, like I mentioned before, he had his "scottish stuff" which was sooo over the top. He wore kilts to random, inappropriate events, talked endlessly about Scottish history to anyone within earshot and was arrogant and condensending toward "lowland Scots" vs Highlanders. The identity he made for himself within this little Scottish niche was one of superiority -- I know, he needed the ego/esteem boost. When we first met, he had actually told me an elaborate story of being born in Scotland, when in fact (as I found out months before our marriage and after our engagement had ran in the paper with the Scotland birth) he was born in the ol' US of A. So this stuff drove me nuts. I felt like he was living in a fantasy world and not dealing with reality -- he didn't just enjoy his Scottish heritage, he was extremely specific with connecting to the 18th Century Scottish Highlander. It was like re-enacting or renaissance faire stuff. It was a little too nutty for me and the "if it's not scottish, it's crap" attitdue was getting me down, as well as the expense and the wearing of kilts to places where he'd get a comment from some drunk and then freak out ... so yep, guilty of badgering him to let go. He eventually toned it way down to a reasonable level, and has told me it was all for me. Then he got into the skinhead stuff a couple of years after. Again, the fact that most people think of skins as racist bullies wasn't very appealing to me. And he was getting off on the tough guy persona of that, too. Plus he looked ridiculous wearing high-waters and suspenders as an over-weight 40-something (though now he's lost weight and is buff and looks hot!! haha). I told him the aggro aspect of that drove me crazy, too. Again, it was the bravado, macho, superior stuff. So because of me, he let that go and resents it. Then he moved into his current military state. And please, I hope I don't offend anyone -- I know we live in a really divided country politics-wise these days. And as I said before, I have many relatives who've served, including my dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with the military, but I do think there's something wrong with civilians who act all commando. We get all sort of catalogs for that kind of stuff to our house because he's been ordering books and shirts and patches and stuff. It's so repulsive to me that of course, I've had to comment a few times. Then he says "do you have to take everything away from me? I gave up Scottish stuff and skinhead, etc etc ... " So I'm thinking maybe I just need to encourage him to go into therapy again. If he can build his self-esteem and learn some anger management, then maybe he won't feel the need to always have such an all-encompassing, strong, somewhat offensive persona?

I agree with you, too, Stacey -- how you word your request can make a huge difference. The Gottman books that we read were all about that. Right after we read them, we were so much more respectful to each other. I think it's time to re-read (in between the 4 new books I have on ADHD!!).

NuttingFuts, I have increased my affection toward him -- that came out of our couples therapy. His gestures to me our cries for the same. I think I do a reasonable amount, but he will literally keep track in his head how many times we have or haven't kissed on a given day. And of course, sex, he knows to the day. And we still have it regularly and enjoy it, so that's not an issue.

And high five to your mom's attitude, NuckingFuts -- my hub is the half empty kind of guy. I'm sure because of his feeling of hopelessness.

Thanks again to all of you ... things really aren't that bad right now. I initially came here for support with my son, then found this particular forum and sort of let loose. But I combined all the crap from 17 years into one big rant. overall, day to day, things are 80-90% okey dokey. I just wish I could clone myself into a team of 5 to handle all of the parenting and relationship and house stuff. Oh, yeah, and the work I do to make money!

Chitcat,

It is to your credit you continue to see the story from your side and your husband's side.

That will always serve you well in your efforts to seek a stable relationship over time. Big kudos to you!

Maybe half the battle is knowing you absolutely have choices, even if they are not appealing to you, at least you are not backed into a hopeless corner with absolutely no way out.

Ultimately, you have the choice whether to continue to participate or not and you can exercise that choice if you need to.

I really hope you consider some stress relievers too, like maybe something physical...maybe even with other women..softball? working out? tennis? what's good for your body is good for your brain. (i learned that here)

cs

I don't want to detract from the serious posts but thought I'd lighten the mood a tiny bit (if that's OK?). There was earlier mention of impulsive grocery purchases and it reminded me that my husband impulse shops at the grocery store too. He's not allowed to go to SAM'S Club or any of those warehouse stores anymore because he buys the most rediculous things. He always seems to buy LOTS of carrots *lol*. The last time he managed to sneak in a trip was when he went to SAM'S and bought a 5lb bag of miniature peeled carrots. There are only 2 of us and I HATE carrots. Apparently he felt that he would eat all 5lbs before they went bad. I freaked out and forbad him from ever shopping at SAM'S again. We had 2 1lb jars of roasted peanuts in our cupboard for 4 years that he bought on that same trip (among other things). Last month he went shoping at the grocery store for hurricane supplies and bought 4 heads of lettuce and 2 bags of...you guessed it, carrots (again, for 2 people). I have to say that stuff like this is so endearing when I'm not mad at him :p .

Another major behavior that he has that I forgot to mention (and I haven't really seen many others talk about) is INCESSANT talking in social situations. Like lots of others here, we've sort of devised separate lives when it comes to friends and social situations. When we do go out to a party or dinner or something together, I'm on edge all night because he'll trap one person in an endless conversation. Going on and on and on about something that interestes him. He never asks them questions or shows an interest in something they might want to say. He doesn't read facial expressions or body language. I have to save people. And it's not just my imagination, because friends have privately come to me about it. I even had a business acquaintance of his mention this to me. We've talked about this on our own and in therapy. He acknowledged that he does it, and thinks it's his way of soothing himself in an uncomfortable situation (because social settings are stressful for him), but he can't seem to curb it. So the solution has been that we pretty much go out separately or else on a date, just the two of us. I'm a real social person, so that's been a little hard. But we deal.

Hey - I really sympathize with your situation (you must be 'almost' a saint;-), but it really worries me that you are taking responsibility for his social actions. That's his problem not yours. You don't have to save those people that he talks to, that's their own job. If they can't escape from his conversation they will ultimately learn to if it is a bad enough experience. Don't take on other peoples' problems - sounds like you've got enough of your own.

Hang in there. ADD'rs are very hard to live with but they are also often strangely lovable in their own weird way.