I am posting in this section because I specifically want the view of non-ADDers (but mods/admins feel free to move if you feel inapropriate). I have gotten some good responses here and there from various people, but I wanted to ask specifically....

If you have accepted that your *partner/son/daughter/ect* <FILL-IN-THE-BLANK>has AD/HD how did you "come to terms", and what is helping you now to support them?

I am having an extreamly hard time with my non-ADD mother right now. I am thinking about getting her a copy of You mean I'm not Lazy Stupid or Crazy?. Did any of you read this to understand your partner better? Did it help? I want her to just understand that ADD is a part of me, it always has been it always will be, it's not a "curse", it is not her fault, it is not an insult to her parenting, and popping me with pills will not "fix" it. But most of all I want her to see me as me not as "the daughter with ADD", but just as me.

For those of you who don't know, I'm 20 going into my 4th year of college and still living at home. I love my mother dearly, I just would like her to accept me for who I am, I think if she supported me with being ADD instead of trying to fix the ADD or "cure" it we would get along better. I don't want to change her, I just want her to understand that it is a part of me.

I would really appreaciate your thoughts and comments as many of you have gone through or are going through these realizations yourselves. I always seem to have great support and comments from some of you, so I'm lookig forward to some advice on how to talk to talk to her (any suggestions?) Thanks in advance!!!

Pigeon

Pigeon:

I'm afraid you may have some serious difficulty with your mom. Maybe not, of course, but maybe yes. Many parents have difficulty accepting ADD as a real "condition" (syndrome, disorder, insert your preferred term here). They think that they just screwed up raising their kid somehow.

It's often better with younger and/or better educated parents, as they are often more informed about the disorder, but it can still be difficult. Many non-ADDers think that it's just a case of getting off your butt and growing up.

Fair? Nope. Reality? Often, in their heads.

So, educating your mom is a good thing, but you need more than anything else to get over needing her acceptance/approval. You may never get it and, honestly, you do not need it. As long as you are happy and proud of yourself, you don't need it.

Even us non-ADDers have issues of acceptance by our parents, so you're not alone in that. I think that's just a human thing.:)

That being said, I think I came to terms with my husband's ADD when he accepted it and started trying to do something to make his life better. He stopped using ADD as an excuse and instead realized that he needed to learn how to live with ADD in a mostly non-ADD-based society. Knowing that he is trying makes it much easier to see beyond the doors left unlocked at night, etc., that used to drive me nuts. Then I found it much easier to learn by myself about the condition.

Now we are more of a team. He feels less threatened when I say "you forgot to lock the doors last night" because he now knows that it's not criticism but just information he needs in order to improve (for example, he can program his PDA to remind him to lock the doors at night).

But you are going to have to have a ton of patience for your mom and others who are close to you. It could take them years to get past their pre-conceived notions of what ADD is. REmember you can only give them some tools to lear (like books); they have to choose to learn from them.

And if they don't, that is not your problem.

Good luck!
-L

Pigeon,
Does your mother accept your dad's ADHD?

Great response lililegs! Pigeon, as a non-ADDer as well, it made me stop and think "how did I come to accept my husband's ADD?" Of course I had heard of it (ADD) but I do remember having that "aha!" moment when it clicked that my husband might actually suffer with ADD. For one thing, it did NOT come from him. What I mean is that my husband had a history of saying, "I think I have that" to a lot of things coming down the pike so that I was not inclined to take him seriously about ADD. But then I heard about it on the radio from a woman telling about how her husband acted and I thought "that's how my husband acts--that's how I feel" and then I started educating myself about it. Maybe if your mom heard it from a source other than youself, an "objective"/neutral source, so to speak, it might help her to see it in a less emotional light. Is there anyone your mom respects that she might be more open to? (Even if it's a TV personality or something, like Oprah! :D - you never know)

Unfortunately, I agree with lililegs that some people may never get it. As far as my husband's ADD goes, no one else in the family "buys it". And again, it is not just about ADD. My brother is an alcoholic and my mom doesn't get it. She thinks he can just stop anytime and doesn't know why he doesn't "just do it".

lililegs is right -- you sound like a wonderful young woman and you don't need anyone's approval but your own.

Hey, Pigeon ... I have a 21-year-old step-daughter who lived with me and her dad from the age of 5. She was diagnosed at 11. We read everything we could, sought out professionals, went to seminars, you name it. I wish I could say it improved our relationship with her, but it didn't. The difference I think is that she never embraced it herself, never sought out her own support -- like you have done by coming here. It was sort of me and her dad (who also has ADD) trying to do everything we could to help her, but she didn't want it and still doesn't.

One of the most important things for me, when dealing with my respect and understanding for another person, is to observe how they treat themself. And to me, as a mother, I would be so absolutely impressed by your initiative to educate and better yourself that I would HAVE to listen and understand what you're saying. You don't seem like a person who uses ADD as a cop out, so I would hope your mom would take the time to understand what it's about. I think the book "... Stupid, Lazy" is great. If she'll take the time to read it. Maybe even something as simple as a list of symptoms/check list would help her see how it all "clicks". It was so obvious to us when we did that with our daughter.

But if your mom never comes around -- my step-daughter's birth mom hasn't (they haven't talked in 6 years) -- then all you can do is rise above and be the best you can be in spite of it. It's nice to have the support of your parents, but it's not required to have a happy and fulfilling life.

Maybe you could telepathically zap some of your common sense and maturity to my step-daughter! haha ... I was SHOCKED to hear that you're only 20. Hi-five to you. I think you're doing awesome!

Pigeon,
Does your mother accept your dad's ADHD?
My dad doen't have ADHD.... personally I think he is just ADD and not diagnosed, but he is just like me, only not depressed about the stuff (because he's a guy).... he's forgetful/inattentive, marked as "lazy" or other typical ADD w/o traits, but because he's a BOY it was just looked at as a typical guy... which I never put into perspective until I read Sari Solden's, Women with ADD (I'd never take credit for finding out the gender stuff on my own, lol, but it all makes sense) But ADD vs ADHD is so hard expecially male vs female because it basically means that my role in society as a women is compromised.... I'd make a better husband/father than wife/mother (or son than daughter)

Anyway about my dad, my mom gets really annoyed, and just blows it off as a stupid guy thing that he forgets or procrastinates or doesn't finish something, so she naggs him more or whatever, but he's so passive about life (he grew up with 5 sisters and a single mom nagging him, god bless him, lol) so I guess it doesn't bother him. Plus since it's so accepted for men to be seen that way, they'd never think it was ADD... my mom thinks it comes from her side of the family, but they are all NPDs she just doesn't see it cuz she is too...

In a nutshell.... My guess would be, if my dad were diagnosed ADD my mom would do the same as she does with me, try to find the wonder drug to make it go away.

Pigeon:

I'm afraid you may have some serious difficulty with your mom. Maybe not, of course, but maybe yes. Many parents have difficulty accepting ADD as a real "condition" (syndrome, disorder, insert your preferred term here). They think that they just screwed up raising their kid somehow.

This may be the case because niether my mom nor my dad is diagnosed ADD, she thinks it's an insult to her motherhood (an NPD characteristic acutally).


It's often better with younger and/or better educated parents, as they are often more informed about the disorder, but it can still be difficult. Many non-ADDers think that it's just a case of getting off your butt and growing up.

HEHE what she says to me every day...:rolleyes:


Fair? Nope. Reality? Often, in their heads.

So, educating your mom is a good thing, but you need more than anything else to get over needing her acceptance/approval. You may never get it and, honestly, you do not need it. As long as you are happy and proud of yourself, you don't need it.

Even us non-ADDers have issues of acceptance by our parents, so you're not alone in that. I think that's just a human thing.:)

True, true, I know plenty of NTs who have parent problems, lol, actually come to think of it I don't know an adult daughter who doesn't have at least some issues whith her mother, lol ;)


That being said, I think I came to terms with my husband's ADD when he accepted it and started trying to do something to make his life better. He stopped using ADD as an excuse and instead realized that he needed to learn how to live with ADD in a mostly non-ADD-based society. Knowing that he is trying makes it much easier to see beyond the doors left unlocked at night, etc., that used to drive me nuts. Then I found it much easier to learn by myself about the condition.

Congrats to him, I know a lot of people who use conditions (ADD or other) as excuses, I was thrilled to know I was ADD because it became a tool for me rather than an excuse, so I'm glad to hear your husband seems to do that too.


Now we are more of a team. He feels less threatened when I say "you forgot to lock the doors last night" because he now knows that it's not criticism but just information he needs in order to improve (for example, he can program his PDA to remind him to lock the doors at night).

I guess I just have to get over the fact that my mom won't see it that way, lol... easier said than done I know. She would say, "you forgot to lock the doors again last night, I thought the meds were supposed to be fixing this problem?"...


But you are going to have to have a ton of patience for your mom and others who are close to you. It could take them years to get past their pre-conceived notions of what ADD is. REmember you can only give them some tools to lear (like books); they have to choose to learn from them.

Thank goodness, my fiance is loving and supportive or I don't think I'd make it. He is so thrilled for me. Every little step I take I can hear the applause from him in the back of my head, I guess all I want is a little of the same from my mother.


And if they don't, that is not your problem.

Good luck!
-L

Thanks for all the wonderfull words!!!


Pigeon

Great response lililegs! Pigeon, as a non-ADDer as well, it made me stop and think "how did I come to accept my husband's ADD?" Of course I had heard of it (ADD) but I do remember having that "aha!" moment when it clicked that my husband might actually suffer with ADD. For one thing, it did NOT come from him. What I mean is that my husband had a history of saying, "I think I have that" to a lot of things coming down the pike so that I was not inclined to take him seriously about ADD.
I have heard that ADDers are prone to this type of thinking, lol. Basically our symptoms are so scattered and general and unorganized at the same time we can categorize them to a million and one different problems, lol, so it's funny you would mention that because although I've heard of this, I've never before actually heard of it (if you understand that, lol) anyway, did he ever think he had ADD? I never even thought of it until my doctor started asking me questions (without telling me what about) and I answered yes to every one.... that was enough proof for me, plus reading Sari Solden's book and highlighting almost every page because it was relating to me.

But then I heard about it on the radio from a woman telling about how her husband acted and I thought "that's how my husband acts--that's how I feel" and then I started educating myself about it. Maybe if your mom heard it from a source other than youself, an "objective"/neutral source, so to speak, it might help her to see it in a less emotional light. Is there anyone your mom respects that she might be more open to? (Even if it's a TV personality or something, like Oprah! :D - you never know)
I don't really know.... but everytime I try to talk to her about it (objectively of course, but as you could guess she takes offense immediately) she starts in on how everyone has the same thing I'm just making up excuses to do it excessivly.... I guess she just doesn't listen

That's why I was wondering about the book, You Mean I'm Not.... it has helped many ADDers come to grips with ourselves and I was hoping it could do the same for her, this way she could read it with out me being there, you know?

Unfortunately, I agree with lililegs that some people may never get it. As far as my husband's ADD goes, no one else in the family "buys it". And again, it is not just about ADD. My brother is an alcoholic and my mom doesn't get it. She thinks he can just stop anytime and doesn't know why he doesn't "just do it".

lililegs is right -- you sound like a wonderful young woman and you don't need anyone's approval but your own. Thank you all again for the wonderful words you all are so kind.... I am learning to just be me for me and no one else. I have a wonderful fiance and I am just hoping that one day my mother will be as understanding and accepting.

Pigeon

Hey, Pigeon ... I have a 21-year-old step-daughter who lived with me and her dad from the age of 5. She was diagnosed at 11. We read everything we could, sought out professionals, went to seminars, you name it. I wish I could say it improved our relationship with her, but it didn't. The difference I think is that she never embraced it herself, never sought out her own support -- like you have done by coming here. It was sort of me and her dad (who also has ADD) trying to do everything we could to help her, but she didn't want it and still doesn't.
AWE, you guys could adopt me!! :D lol, just kidding, you sound great though, and reading your post brought me a little smile, thank you.:) And seriously, I hope your step-daughter turns around, she may find Sari Solden's book a help, it was the "wake-up" stone for me, kicked me into geer for turning around, especially because it deals with women and ADD without hyperactivity, which is the most misunderstood kind I feel... my thoughts are with you all

One of the most important things for me, when dealing with my respect and understanding for another person, is to observe how they treat themself. And to me, as a mother, I would be so absolutely impressed by your initiative to educate and better yourself that I would HAVE to listen and understand what you're saying. You don't seem like a person who uses ADD as a cop out, so I would hope your mom would take the time to understand what it's about. I think the book "... Stupid, Lazy" is great. If she'll take the time to read it. Maybe even something as simple as a list of symptoms/check list would help her see how it all "clicks". It was so obvious to us when we did that with our daughter.
One of the hard parts about the sypmtoms thing is that she can easily come up with an excuse for each one, and why she has them too, or anyone else for that matter... but I'm hoping she will read the book and get a better understanding of why they are so hard for me to control. You are right though, IF she reads it, lol... I hope it will "click" for her too.

But if your mom never comes around -- my step-daughter's birth mom hasn't (they haven't talked in 6 years) -- then all you can do is rise above and be the best you can be in spite of it. It's nice to have the support of your parents, but it's not required to have a happy and fulfilling life.

Maybe you could telepathically zap some of your common sense and maturity to my step-daughter! haha ... I was SHOCKED to hear that you're only 20. Hi-five to you. I think you're doing awesome!
Thanks for these words, really your post made me smile, just to know someone out there who is a mom has confidence in me is a plus, maybe my mom will come around soon too....

Best wishes towards your step-daughter--------->>>>>>ZAP<<<<<<--------- lol :D

Pigeon

P.S. seriously, if she hasn't read that book, it is a good wake up call for women with ADD

My dad doen't have ADHD.... personally I think he is just ADD and not diagnosed
Pigeon, to make your life less complicated, there is no ADD anymore. It is all grouped as ADHD, inattentive included. That could change. :p

Our city's large ADHD Parent support group ran a six week parenting class taught by two Social / Youth Workers. When the instructor said, "Ask yourself, who is the undiagnosed parent?", a lightbulb went on for me. It didn't apply to me personally as I sought diagnosis and treatment before even thinking about my kids, but it changed how I viewed ADHD and family dynamics.

Hi Pigeon

I'm another person very impressed you are so young. You have a really terrific and mature attitude.

To learn about ADD, I started off reading Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate, but have since read a few others including the book you mentioned.

In my thinking, parents are often bound by the unspoken but almost universal perspective that if something happens to their children, they try to make it right for them, or to give them a leg up if they believe the children are disadvantaged in some way. I think it is really hard for them sometimes to say: my child is strong enough to deal with whatever life has dealt him/her and if they come to me for help I will be there for him/her.

I'm not sure you've had "the talk" with your mom about what is helpful and what isn't, but every parent knows what that is. Its when you talk to them eye to eye, woman to woman. I had one with my mom about something else once. It really worked.

Keep posting,

cs

crime scene, what did you think of Gabor Mate's book, Scattered Minds ? I really should re-read it, but lost interest in the theory that women who suffered in WWII produced ADHD children. My husband and several friends were born in occupied countries in Europe during the war and are definitely not ADHD.

crime scene, what did you think of Gabor Mate's book, Scattered Minds ? .
As the first book I read, I was just trying to suck up as much info as I could about anything about ADD, I was kind of tabula rasa at the time.

It seems there are different theories about how a child develops ADD, and he proposes one of them.

What was of real interest to me was what the world looked like through his eyes, as he grew up and in his adult life, because i wanted to get some idea of how my friend might have felt when he was young as well as how he perceives the world now.

Hmm...if I remember correctly, Mate was suggesting that stress in the parents and difficulties during attachment phase contribute to ADD, maybe he meant that WWII was a time where a lot of these conditions would exist.

cs

Hmm...if I remember correctly, Mate was suggesting that stress in the parents and difficulties during attachment phase contribute to ADD, maybe he meant that WWII was a time where a lot of these conditions would exist.

That does sound familiar. I worked with someone who went to school with Mate which is why I bought the book; hardcover couldn't wait for the softcover version. :o He is a wonderful writer and I enjoyed what he had to say until he mentioned the war, distress, depression, adhd connection. It didn't hold water from my experience. I understand the concept of environment bringing out genetic predisposition, but I don't remember genetics being part of his theory.

I believe he has another book out on the subject and perhaps he has some knew ideas. I love to support Canadian authors. :D

Pigeon, I'm sorry for hijacking your post. CS, I found an interview that paraphrases Dr. Mate's viewpoint. I stand corrected; I should have said predetermination, not predisposition. :)

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/add/site/transcripts/attention_deficit_disorder.htm

Right, he believes its a predisposition which is realized through a set of environmental circumstances. It has a certain plausibility as much as other theories which say it is congenital or etc. Yeah, he was a good writer.

No hard feelings-- many-a-posts have lead to great ideas, that's what's so wonderful about ADD, one thing leads to another!


Hi Pigeon

I'm another person very impressed you are so young. You have a really terrific and mature attitude.

To learn about ADD, I started off reading Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate, but have since read a few others including the book you mentioned.

In my thinking, parents are often bound by the unspoken but almost universal perspective that if something happens to their children, they try to make it right for them, or to give them a leg up if they believe the children are disadvantaged in some way. I think it is really hard for them sometimes to say: my child is strong enough to deal with whatever life has dealt him/her and if they come to me for help I will be there for him/her.
I never thouht about this point. I don't really know if this is what is going through my mother's head or not. It's really hard, I'm dealing with a lot of issues all at once with her. I hate saying bad things about her, but as you might now from previous posts she is a bit narcissistic, not terribly, but this is one case that makes it hard...

I'm not sure you've had "the talk" with your mom about what is helpful and what isn't, but every parent knows what that is. Its when you talk to them eye to eye, woman to woman. I had one with my mom about something else once. It really worked.
Being this way, everytime I try to talk to her (and sometimes she actually asks me about it, and I think "wow, ok, let's talk!" woohoo) the conversation will always turn to her. I understand why, but it doesn't make it easier.... She'll say, "but I don't understand, I do that too, I forget too" and that will lead to a converstation that, well, you can imagine....

That's why I was thinking about the book, she wouldn't have me there to to talk to turn it to herself, or interrupt.... she'd just have the book, and maybe it can explain it better to her than I can.

Oh....ok I think I get that. So she doesn't buy it cuz she's thinking...well, me too, I did that yesterday!

Hmm. Well that has me wondering. I've read fairly often that it is common for nonADD people to say: but so I have that too...and that...so its hard for them to believe that maybe, you aren't just tying all these things together as a reason for maybe not getting things done, or never being on time sort of thing. The not so subtle difference is that it is true, that many of the experiences ADD folk have are visited on nonADD, BUT, its not to the extent that it disrupts their lives because of it.

So, yes, I forget a few appointments, but not nearly often enough to have it disrupt my life. Difficult to explain even if repeated over and over. Maybe seeing it in print, that particular type of phrasing will kind of let it sink in.

Just one almost afterthought....is there ANY chance your mom is ADD too?? (just to get that "me too" thing out of the way)

thanks for explaining that, Pigeon.

cs

Oh....ok I think I get that. So she doesn't buy it cuz she's thinking...well, me too, I did that yesterday!

Hmm. Well that has me wondering. I've read fairly often that it is common for nonADD people to say: but so I have that too...and that...so its hard for them to believe that maybe, you aren't just tying all these things together as a reason for maybe not getting things done, or never being on time sort of thing. The not so subtle difference is that it is true, that many of the experiences ADD folk have are visited on nonADD, BUT, its not to the extent that it disrupts their lives because of it.

So, yes, I forget a few appointments, but not nearly often enough to have it disrupt my life. Difficult to explain even if repeated over and over. Maybe seeing it in print, that particular type of phrasing will kind of let it sink in.

Just one almost afterthought....is there ANY chance your mom is ADD too?? (just to get that "me too" thing out of the way)

thanks for explaining that, Pigeon.

cs
Yes, yes, yes!!! Thank you, it's like someone out there gets it... lol. I can't tell you how many times I've read ADD people posting the anxiety issues over losing thier keys... I know she loses her keys too... but I become nervous and panic, and then obsessive that I will never find them and I am so stupid... instead of calming down and rationally thinking to check that they are in my coat pocket from yesterday:p (that's the example that came to my head.)

I really don't think my mom is ADD, she may be a little OCD of like cleaning or something and def depressed... but I see ADD more in my dad's side.

I try to explain that most ADD things are common, they are just cronic and dissruptive to daily life that make it a diagnosis, like that I am never on time for anything... and when she starts with "well I do that too" stuff I suggest she goes to get tested.... actually I only did that once :foot:

She grew up in a don't talk about it house, which is why I think she doesn't accept it as a real disorder for me, depression is the only "disorder" she accepts because she understands it, because she has it. I almost think sometimes she is embarrased about me being so open and honest about it :rolleyes:.

The reason I was diagnosed depression and treated so long is because of her, I went to her doctors, her counlers, ect... I only got re-dxed ADD after I went and found a new doctor because I wasn't happy with my treatment. When I was younger I looked to her to help me and she had depression so obviously that's what I had too.

Well enough ranting, that's a little more insite... I just want her to understand I am my own person and to accept me for who I am.

Thanks for understanding,

Pigeon

It's really cool that you are thinking about why it is that she has some trouble coming to grips with ADD.

I really hope she comes around sooner rather than later, because that would be a wonderful thing for both of you.

You're still growing, Pigeon, your mom should be very proud.:)

keep posting,

cs

In a different post, I recommended this website (to Pigeon and another ADDer) to show people what it's like to be ADD:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/attention.html
go into the section, "EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND"

Have you tried getting your mom to look at it Pigeon?

But, maybe if non-ADDers check out this website (by PBS) they'll get a better understanding of what it's like in our brain.

I think it must be so hard for non-ADDers to understand what it's like to be ADD, because they can't get into our brain. Just like we don't really know how difficult it can be to deal with us. That's why it's great having the ADD forum with a Non-ADD section, so I can have an idea of how ADD affects a non-ADDer's life.

crime_scene is right, your mom should be very proud of you.
I'm proud of you for looking at why your mom has a difficult time with your being ADD and for trying to figure out how you can help her.

I love the site LC, and as I said in the other post, the tough part will be getting her to look at it, lol... I'm going to the bookstore today to get her a copy of "....lazy, stupid, or crazy" and I'm putting a note about the link in it. If she looks then good, if not, I can't force her and I have to accept it *sigh*... I hope she cares enough to atleast look (even if she won't admit she did, lol, which could be the case) thanks for all your support again, it is more than I had hoped to get...

Pige

Hey Crystal,
I went and got that book today from the library and i can bearly put the book down,it is great.It can make you laugh and cry becauseit is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo me.I wish you all the luck,you deserve the best SS!!!;)


Sandra

You always have a way to make me smile Sandra... :) The book really is great I know, for us who read it, lol, I hope she does too...

Thanks SS,
Crystal

Hey Crystal
I was sitting in bed having a VERY time sleeping so I picked that book up and it had my stomach hurting from laughing cause it is sooooooooooo me.I really hope she will pick it up and read it also and learn a little bit more about you.You are such a sweetheart,Im glad I finally found you SS(lost for so long).;)



Sandra