Let me just take this opportunity to apologize to all the spouses, partners and significant others of an ADDer. Yes, we can be trying, even difficult at times. Yes, we might even make you want to pull your hair out, or scream at the top of your lungs. But try and remember...we usually dont realize what were doing until we're in the middle of it. We don't mean to frustrate you, and really want what everyone else wants....a happy and loving relationship. ADD is not an excuse, mind you...and we need to work on our shortcomings, but we really appreciate all the efforts you have made to try and understand who and why we are.

Thank you, and again....we're really sorry!

Hi there

I think your post is very touching; it reminded me of how I felt when I first 'came out' with Major Depression!

My b/f may have ADD, and your post rang true; he often says after fights he cannot recall a lot of what he has said. I have done the same to him before.

Thanks for reminding me to put things in perspective!

Hugs & Peace
Zero

With that being said Big, it is not just ADD'ers who do these things in a relationship. Most of these are human defense reactions. I think ADD'ers are just more defensive thanks to the sterotypical classification put on to us by society.

Sometimes though... I dont' feel like apologizing. I can't help it.. and my boyfriend has come to realize that. Everytime I get worried about things that I'm not doing well at, he points out that he knows I try hard, which helps me so much!

I always make sure I thank him for his help. I also ask him what he can to do help me, and he has started to ask me now instead of me having to ask. If I'm feeling stressed out or whatever about not getting things doen, he will ask me "so what can I do to help you get to bed earlier?" He's great.

I realize that he has his own "faults", whic might not seem to be out of the ordinary, but are in the same way things I have to learn to deal with...
like his tendency to talk about his frustrations, but reluctance about making changing it, or forgetting to start laundry or not knowing how to make more nutritious meals, being reluctant to try new things. I also have to deal with his need to ride his bike a lot, which sometimes takes priority over spending time with me on weekends, but I know how much he loves it, so I don't mind it as much. I miss him on weekends, but I know he's having fun which is important.

So I'm not perfect, he not either.
He has told me that the reason why he fell for me is because I am spontaneous, friendly and not afraid to do new things.. which are all things I guess he wishes he was better at... and I fell for him because he's calm, cool and feels like a solid rock when I'm feeling shaky. We're opposites in temperament - I'm quick to anger, he keeps it in... so we've learned to get around that. I'll get mad at him, walk away, and go back and apologize for it and say I can't go to bed mad at him, and it's all good.

He's not as much of a talker as I am, so it's been neat to realize that I'm good at helping him sort things through by talking with him and asking questions etc. Although I refuse to go into a career of counselling... I couldn't handle the anguish of seeing people suffering, I'm much too empathetic...

anyway, it all balances out. I guess my boyfriend sees my ADD as un-boring. Or maybe he's just super tolerant...? Beyong belief, in fact.

I'll let you know if I find anymore like him...

~M

I started dating a man with ADD 5 months ago. From the beginning we have been great communicators with each other, which I think has helped our relationship grow. Now, 5 months later, he broke up with me because he is confused and afraid of making mistakes. We gave each other a week and at that time he told me he would like me to work with him in this situation. He needs time to figure out what he wants and wants me to be there and support him. He have taken a step back from our relationship. I think our strengths and weaknesses have an incredible match that help both of us in our growth! I have been looking into ADHD on my own, since he hasn't felt safe of is unsure of who he wants to let in right now. I want to find out about how he operates and what I can do to help him become the healthy, happy individual he wants to become. I am afraid in doing this because it makes me vulnerable to him and I've let him know. I have an inner struggle with myself right now...to let him do the things he needs by himself, or continue to research and encourage him to share his journey with me by making it safe for him. Based on my personality, and nature I want to be there for him. Is this fear normal? How can I help him? I feel he is on the verge of a breakthrough, but very very scared right now. I am trying to be as open and loving as possible while giving him his space. We agreed to set aside a small amount of time for him to convey anything he wishes...this will be his "safe time". I'm hoping this will bridge the gap and allow small steps to trust and openness on his part. Any suggestions out there? I want what is best for him and myself...I want both of us to be happy.

The question is -- is he newly diagnosed and newly getting treatment...if so, it makes sense that he would want space in the relationship...a chance to get to know himself better and his new challenge....and his fear of mistakes is certainly understandable....And it certainly is understandable that you want to be there for him...and you will be undoubtedly...but for awhile I would give him the space he asks for...that would definitely be best for him...and since you do have a lot of strengths and weaknesses that work together within the relationship, I would have faith that it will work out...the gap will be bridged as you say....but I think that safe time that he asks for is crucial....If you do that, I think in time he will come around and want to share himself with you more openly...it just sounds as if he's not ready to do that just now...meanwhile you can work on taking care of yourself and reading up on ADD literature....so that when you two do reunite, you will be an even better friend, girlfriend, support person, etc. And I understand that this is probabably really scarey...because you want to be there for him now...

djkk44
Id say you are already making a pretty good start at it.

You can't help him until he is ready to help himself so all I can say is to be there to support him, continue to educate yourself by reading the posts here. Find the ADDer here who share the same traits and see how they are handling it.

Education is the key to success. From what I see (being and ADDer myself) is that there is no cure as there is really nothing wrong with us other than the fact that were different from the vast majority of the population.

Were just different but by trying to fit into the Linear World our shortcoming really show.

Just for a moment close your eyes and think about how a Linear Thinker would feel in a world were the vast majority of the population was ADD.

I would think that they would feel pretty limited in there thought process, I would also think that they might be very lonely as they would have to live with themselves and there linear thinking. I would hazard to guess that after a while they would wish that they had the ability to have 17 different thought patterns all happening at the same time. I know I would feel deprived if I was a linear thinker living with a whole bunch of ADDers.

I admit that we can be a strange bunch but put 10 - 20 of us in the same room and you can feel and see the aura of energy that radiates from us. Transference of emotions from one to another which is quite common can be either positive or negative , which ever we allow it to be.

I wouldn't trade my ADD for any other thought processor from the Linear World.

Check out the link at the bottom of my post

"What it is Like to Have ADD"

It was a very inspiring article for me