I posted this in relationships, but because I am talking about a guy and I am not sure if the behavior is due to ADD, grief or male behavior, then I am posing in both. I hope it's okay with the moderators...
WARNING, LONG POST.
How many of you hide and avoid your friends, lovers or people that you care a lot about for periods of time and then resetablish contact in clusters? (Big questions at bottom of post, please answer that as well)

Ex: I have a friend whom I am pretty sure is ADD and he will contact me or return my calls several times in a row and then not at all for months. When I do get a hold of him, the first thing he ALWAYS says in that he's "been thinking about me and meaning to call." He is always really sweet and happy to talk to me and appologises for not being in touch and is really happy to talk to me. However, sometimes it can be MONTHS that I don't hear from him. It was easier to deal with when he was here, but he is across the country now (indefinately) and has been for the last year.

It's hard because he's gone through a lot of loss and tragedy since I met him a 2 years ago and it's hard to tell if his behavior is from the grief and what he's had to deal with (a parent died and he had to move to take care of things), or if it has to do with typical ADD behavior in relationships. He has a tendency to withdrawal and hide a lot. He is always so happy when we do connect that I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want to be friends. It seems like he does, he's just sporadic and moody. He also says that "it's just bad timing and that's how it is" with a sound of resignation or sadness.
Although sometimes I am okay with this, other times it is very hard for me because of the inconsistancy hurts my feelings. He expresses how much he appreciates my still being around and that he values my friendship when we do connect.

But, I've also got both of my parents and I can't even imagine how hard it must have been/be to loose both parents in the space of 3 years and quit your life as you know it to move across the country to deal with the practicalities (estate, ect) and the emotional aftermath of the situation for you and your family. He still has his stuff in storage here and his phone number is still this area code so it seems that he's planning on coming back to this part of the country. I am at the point with this that I just want to go out there and see him. Just call when I get out there and/or leave a note on his door and try to see him. He is very impulsive when he connects, he wants to connect "NOW" and so I think it might be better to just get there and try to see him.

But, I am scared that he is in another hiding phase; since I haven't heard from him again for a couple of months, and I don't want to make him feel pressured to see me. HOWEVER, I really do feel that I need to see him because the inconsistency is starting to really get to me. If we're for sure friends, I want to know. If he's not up to it, I want to know. If it's the grief and the ADD then I want to know, if it's because he's playing mind games, I want to know. That's what conventional relationship with a Non-add would say, so I'm confused. I have every indication that he's ADD though.

I do know that he doesn't let many people into his friendship circle and he does consider us friends after 2 years of this. He has also made the comment that it's like him to not be in contact for quite awhile and then just show up on someone's doorstep. So he apparently has a pattern of this behavior. We're not in a romantic relationship, but even after 2 years, we're definately more than just friends. Augggghh.

So: to recap:
1) How many of you hide and avoid your friends, lovers or people that you care a lot about for periods of time and then resetablish contact in clusters?
2) Does this behavior sound like ADD or grief?
3) what do you think?
Thanks for reading and any answering to any parts of the questions!! I really appreciate being to bounce this off you guys. Casey
__________________

this has to do with both temporary emotions of depression and grieving and with more permanent patterns of having the inability to plan, and the ability to be impulsive. my guess, a person who has tendencies towards depression, mist be focused on only what he is doing at the time, the crisis of the day or the week or the month, and doesnt have the ability to wander away mentally enough to be able to plan his social life.... i think ...just guessing....and no, this has nothing to do with being a guy.. in my humble opinion.

if you really like him, going to see him might be fun and a good way to find out if any of this is true. if you arent hooked on him, try to find a guy who can focus on more than one thing at a time and has a social life planned. you might enjoy that kind of relationship stability better.

Good luck either way!

Jon

I tend to do this if the conversation is going to be stressful. You can run but you can't hide. I just try to adress stressful issues on my terms.

this has to do with both temporary emotions of depression and grieving and with more permanent patterns of having the inability to plan, and the ability to be impulsive. my guess, a person who has tendencies towards depression, mist be focused on only what he is doing at the time, the crisis of the day or the week or the month, and doesnt have the ability to wander away mentally enough to be able to plan his social life.... i think ...just guessing....and no, this has nothing to do with being a guy.. in my humble opinion.

if you really like him, going to see him might be fun and a good way to find out if any of this is true. if you arent hooked on him, try to find a guy who can focus on more than one thing at a time and has a social life planned. you might enjoy that kind of relationship stability better.

Good luck either way!

Jon
So, it sounds like you think it is more of a combination of depression and ADD Jon? I think your point is a good one as even before his parent died, he was pretty moody. He seems indecisive too. The plans have to be made and followed thorough on immediately or he often pulls out. The thing that was interesting about last month, when I was supposed to see him is that he talked about "taking a couple of days off just to hang with me" and I felt secure enough in our plans that when he agreed to a Red Sox game I got tickets (no mean feat from Seattle I tell you). He was talking about wanting to go to the game with me and then stay over... all stuff that he brought up.... and then he got stressed about his situation and pulled out and took work on the road. I have been generally pretty understanding due to his (continued 2 years later!!) situation. Parts of situation hae actually gotten worse for him. So, I'm trying to just hang in there. I agree with you though, it would be nice to be able to meet someone else that I felt this way about who was here and not ADD. However, for 1.5 years now I have tried to think of him as only a friend and to find someone else and well... I have had some of the worst dates I have ever had in my life. It just doesn't feel right as I have very strong feelings for this guy. And whever I think it's died down and that we are safely really and truely "just friends" one of us brings up how much we enjoyed being together sexually and how much we want that to happen again and as the song goes "the building catches fire, there's rockets in the sky." It's just how it is for us on both our parts no matter how scattered and sporadic it is. I do know that I have never felt this strongly for anyone in my life. I am 39 and have not had a connection like this on so many different levels. I suspect it is because we are both ADD and impulisive and are "physicals" in our sexuality. Thanks for the post. Casey

I tend to do this if the conversation is going to be stressful. You can run but you can't hide. I just try to adress stressful issues on my terms."I just try to adress stressful issues on my terms."
Steve, thanks for that. I think that this is a lot of what's going on. He's very much about dealing with big or emotional things in his way on his schedule.

We were friends and then finally hooked up about 2 weeks before he realised he was going to have to move home to deal with things. At this point we had been heavily flirting and almost hooking up for 6 months. He left 2 months after we got together. The day he left he told me he'd be back in 6 months and we were way more than friends when he left, but since he was leaving, it was an undefined situation.

Well, it's now 14 months later and it's been hard because the connection between us is definately still there on both our parts and his life is still very up in the air and some things have actually gotten worse for him. I think he may be torn too in seeing the connection, and wanting it, but because he is in such a bad place and because he has no idea where his life is going, he may figure "What's the point.. why build myself up for another loss." He's from New England and the Red Sox mentality of expecting to have the rug pulled out from underneath him is definately in his framework. He's told me before that he doesn't like to hope for things because he's constantly getting disapointed. Thanks for the post. I am really appreciating getting the male perspective on this. Casey

So, it sounds like you think it is more of a combination of depression and ADD Jon?

I suspect it is because we are both ADD and impulisive and are "physicals" in our sexuality. Thanks for the post. Casey



Yup!! You got it Casey. Maybe even bipolar in the mix, since the sexuality is so strong, and the moodiness is present. Bipolars have great sex drives.

LOL.... blush...you caught me healthwiz. I was diagnoised as BP years ago, but figured, since the BP meds did nothing for me, as did the straight depression meds, that I was misdiagnoised ADD like a lot of other women.

I find it interesting that you say targeted this too because one time I was talking to "the guy" and we were talking about relationships, I don't remember what exactly, but the thing that did stick out was that he mentioned he "had a friend who had gotten in a relationship and been in the relationship for 3 months and find out the girl was BP" and that "it was a lot to take on in the beginning of the relationship."

At the time, I got the impression that he was maybe testing me and talking about himself to see how I'd take it; especially since he doesn't talk about his friends much. I also have definitely seen very moody behavior, but could be BP or ADD... some of the symptoms in the disorders are very close it seems to me. He also has admitted to OCD behavior when I kidded him about behavior that was definitely OCDish. He looked a little embarrassed and said that it "could probably get out of hand if he let it."
If he is BP, and feeling reclusive, and not communicating, then going to see him, wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing... I'd know by his demeanor how things were....

I guess I'm still nervous to go see him as the sporadic (but very enthused) contact makes it harder to feel that way sometimes. Even though I can do and have done what he does, sometimes I can't help but buy into the "if he really cared about me like he said, or if he really valued my friendship, then he would communicate more" trap. I try not to, because I realize everything he's going through even without the ADD is extremely hard for him.

That's why I posted because I needed to see if it was a bad idea to try to see him since the last time I heard from him was to cancel the other plans 2 months ago. The last time I actually talked to him, 10 days before that, everything was great, he missed me and was wishing I could go out there sooner... and then no contact from him again for 2 months now.
Thanks for the replies all!
Casey

BTW...I'm finding it very interesting looking at the poll numbers. I posted this in the relationships forum too and between the 2 forums it's 18 out of 20 say this is how they behave at least some of the time.
YES! 9 total
Pre-medicated: 1 total
Sometimes: 8
NO: 2
WOW! A real eye opener for me!! Thank you! Casey

LOL.... blush...you caught me healthwiz.

I must have learned how to read between the lines. :)

Thanks for your openness. Hope the issue with your friend works out, and if not, remember there are always future loves. Once you fall in love, it is proof positive you are capable of having those positive feelings, and they can happen again.

Jonathan

I must have learned how to read between the lines. :)

Thanks for your openness. Hope the issue with your friend works out, and if not, remember there are always future loves. Once you fall in love, it is proof positive you are capable of having those positive feelings, and they can happen again.

Jonathan
Yes...I just have never felt THIS strongly for someone before. The last time I was even close was 20 years ago... not great statistics. I guesss I could put in an ad for an ADD/BP guy who looks, acts and thinks like Henry Rollins...(amongst other fantasy guys).

LOL and a snort....If you saw the guys that I went out with (one date wonders) in an effort to forget "this guy" who is across the country then you'd see why I'm not particularly hopeful about meeting someone else that I have this intense of a connection with who is a good guy.

Finally, I just gave up and figured, hopefully we'll always be friends at least and hopefully something of a permanient romantic relationship eventually. I can't make myself not feel for him the way I do. I've tried several times and I was fooling myself when I thought I was back to feeling just friends feelings for him. He or I would say something all all the emotions and desires were immediately back. Frustrating because the timing is still wrong for us and may never be right. :( Casey

I usually never call anyone if there isn't any particular I have in mind. Dont know if its my ADD or I'm selfabsorbed? However I am glad that people do call me and I always feel bad because I dont call them. But it just doesnt come to it, not that I dont think about them, but I just dont... except if I am very intrested in a girl. Then I have a hard time not to call her too often. gah.. i'll never date a Japanese again if I could choose lol. Mysterious ladies that is.

I've had this problem before, a few times. If I'm in times of stress or there's a lot of absorbing stuff going on around me then no chance - you have to ring me. I get on with my father but I since he never rings me I only rarely ever ring him. Actually I did the other day for the first time in months and it was purely on impulse - there was a phone available and I happened to see the opportunity at the time. I rarely have credit on my mobile so I constantly tell people - if you want something, ring me. If you want something at a specific time, ring me closer to the time or I WILL forget. I've seen from a lot of other people's examples this is part of ADD. Basically if you wanna talk to him, ring him yourself. Even better, persuade him to use an instant messenger and contact him online. I'm terrible for ringing people back or emailing them, but if I can sit down at my computer and see all my friends right there in front of me, I find it a lot easier (although this is probably because I'm hopelessly addicted to my PC).
I can only say I'm glad for my friends being understanding when I explain to them how forgetful I am.