I haven't been here in a while (long story) although I do lurk on occasion ;) I love this forum! Hopefully now that things have sort of calmed down in my families lives, I can post more. Anyways, enough of my rambling, on to the subject... *sorry* it's long...

I have an 11 yr old Son whom has ADHD and Bipolar, he most of the time seems to have just the ADD, without the hyperactivity. When he does have the hyper activity, it seems to be him acting "goofy" or "silly" and it looks like he is not acting his age. It really doesn't seem to bother me or DH when he acts this way because it's only in spurts, plus to me he just looks "happy" or in a good mood! :) To other kids though, it just doesn't seem that way. :( It breaks my heart when he is called names at school, last year I can not tell how many times he was called "weird". NOW he is being called names by one of the people he should not expect it from, his best friend! They have been friends now since they were four years old, but lately I wonder if he should even keep up with this friendship.



Tonight I just about lost it with this boy, (I could tell he had had no medication today or worn off) after hearing him call DS stupid and idiot for the millionth time! This boy has ADHD too, his is alot worse, he acts sometimes five years old (no kidding) and is ten months older than my DS, Ds doesn't call him names when he acts immature, he knows better! This boy smiles when he calls DS names but he says it when DS is acting a little silly, and what gets me is, I look at this kid and he is acting WAAAY more silly and inappropriate! Or when they are outside throwing a ball, like tonight for instance, he automatically calls DS stupid when he doesn't catch or throw it right, I over heard Ds tell him to stop, he wasn't firm about it, but I am glad he at least told him, the thing is, this has been going on for about three months now.



Before (like going on two years) he would always correct DS like when he mis pronounced a word or miss spelled something, he does this in a "know it all way" sorry but it just really urks me! :mad: When I try to tell DS to tell him off or to tell him to go home after he does it, he just tells him to stop (sometimes in a firm tone) and thats it, it doesn't do any good. DS already has a low self esteem, and has no friends except this boy and another one, whom acts like he is doing DS a favor by playing or just being with him, onto that story in a minute. Anyways, this friend who likes to name call, his Mother and I are friends, not the kind that get together for dinner or anything like that, but we just chit chat some when she comes over looking for him, we are also neighbors. So I have thought about talking to her about it, because I am just losing my patience with seeing him treat my Son this way.



I just know our parenting styles are way, way different, I am not saying I am a better parent but I am more strict and expect manners from DS. I remember when the boys were younger her boy would hit mine,right in front of us and she would NOT tell him to appologize, she would just tell him to stop. I have always expected DS to appologize and think of others feelings, she hasn't taught him apparently about other peoples feelings, I guess? So I don't know if this will change or not, or if I am making a bigger deal than I should be, I just feel terrible that DS is putting up with this behaviour than to be lonely, it breaks my heart so terribly! He will cry sometimes and ask why he can't make friends.


Earlier today his other friend,ten years old (he only has these two) is at the pool with us, because I was babysitting him for his Dad (single parent) he spent the night with us, so it would just be easier, than to get up early this morning with his Dad on his way to work, anyways, last night the boy "acted" like he wanted to spend the night with DS, then at the pool, Ds was acting a little "goofy" this boy gives him a strange look then gives him the cold shoulder and ignores him for quiet a while, and I swear I watched DS like an eagle, he didn't do nothing to this boy for him to ignore him like he did! DS just sat down and said "I wonder what I did THIS time!"


He is starting to feel like he is walking on egg shell just to be around this boy, because he has to "guess" at what he has done, plus when he goes to ask the boy what he has done, (in aconfused sort of way) he want even give him an answer just keeps on with the ignoring,this boy does this alot at the gym we go to and we just can't understand why! His Dad is another parent that I just feel like I am wasting my time with talking too. DS also told me today at the pool that last night, not long after the boy got to our place that he told DS that "he sometimes gets tired of coming over" he just gives off this attitude like he might as well spend time with DS, he has nothing else to do! Plus I am also babysitting him for his Dad.


This past Saturday, this boys Dad called and wondered if DS would spend the night at their house, that his boy wanted him too, but I sometimes wonder if the boy "really" wants DS's company? I wonder if it is more of his Dad wanting him to have a friend (any friend over)Well DS did go over and he was not there at his house even an hour, and calls me wanting me to come and get him because he went to sit down in this boys new "blow up" chair, the boy said "he called it first" then pushes Ds out of it, (Dad actually admitted this too) but the main reason Ds wanted to come home was that he thought he wouldn't share ANYTHING for the rest of the night.


This boy has a real BIG problem with sharing anything, I have observed this, and have had to intervene before. He also brought a brand new game over last night knowing Ds has really wanted to play it and told him "no" and just sat there playing it in front of him. Of course it made Ds lose his temper after practically "begging" then the boy made it look like Ds was starting a fight, because Ds had lost his temper with him not sharing! I told DS Saturday night to be sure to call if he wants to come home, the time before that,when he spent the night over there he said he watched this boy play video games most of the night and did not get to play but for a few minutes, he wouldn't let him other than that, plus the Dad goes to bed and lets them do what ever,with no supervision, which I don't like at all!


Oh, forgot to mention, this boy does not have ADHD, that I am aware off. I don't want anyone here to think I am putting myself on a pedestal, or that my DS is an angel and that every kid is at fault, I am not at all intending it to be that way,I know I am far from perfect! I just really, really want DS to have friends, his disabilties have a great social impact on them, and he has a hard time just making friends, as I am sure you other parents are aware of. I believe it is mostly because of his reading social cues and those around him see him as acting "strange" or "weird" he tries to get attention from them, and tries really hard to be nice, but he doesn't realize how he looks. I have even wondered about aspergers, I don't know?

Both of these boys who like I said are his only friends, whom only know each other, are all only children, plus they are from single parent families. The boy who is being raised by his Dad had his Mother move out when he was five, he talks to her occasionally but never sees her, from what I have gathered she doesn't have much of an interest, however he did get to talk to her before he came over last night, at least that is what his Dad told me. I feel really bad for the boy, I don't see how a Mother could do that! Then there is the other friend who does the "name calling" his Mom seems so far up her new boyfriends butt, that I wonder if thats the reason he is acting out, the boyfriend moved in back in February and it had been the boy and his Mom living together alone since he was born, the Man seems to be really nice, plus the boy likes him and talks nice about him, I just don't know?




Both of these boys seem to have GREAT self esteems, alot better than DS, but I wonder How? And if there are reasons why they act toward Ds in this way, that it isn't in the way DS socializes, it's there own problems, or maybe both? The reason I am mentioning all of this is because I do feel for these boys, and they are nice when they want to be but DS comes from a more stabile and loving homelife, I don't see these boys getting as much of attention that they need as I give DS. The boy whom is raised by his Dad, from what I can see doesn't set limits and lets him have his way Waaay too much,so the boy is used to getting his way,Should I just encourage DS to cut off these two, and his only two friend ships he has, or deal with it because he has no friends and they have reasons for maybe acting this way? I know that DS comes first, and if DS should take these things personally, but with him being only 11, and with having ADHD and Bipolar, he doesn't think about those things, he doesn't know what it's like to live the way they do, so its hard for him to understand. Or I could be wrong, both of these kids may just not care much for having a friendship with DS, and he is wasting his time and self-esteem on these two boys. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Sorry so long!!! Thank you sooo much for reading! :)


TJ

I haven't been here in a while (long story) although I do lurk on occasion ;) I love this forum! Hopefully now that things have sort of calmed down in my families lives, I can post more. Anyways, enough of my rambling, on to the subject... *sorry* it's long...

I have an 11 yr old Son whom has ADHD and Bipolar, he most of the time seems to have just the ADD, without the hyperactivity. When he does have the hyper activity, it seems to be him acting "goofy" or "silly" and it looks like he is not acting his age. It really doesn't seem...sorry, this is the point where I skimmed down to the bottom and missed all the middle section. Perhaps a shorter version?
......greatly appreciated! Sorry so long!!! Thank you sooo much for reading! :)


TJ

Sorry, :o Guess I was having one of my Adhd or bipolar manic Moments, LoL It WAS pretty long! Anyways, my question, or the advice I need is, My Son has only two friends, he has a hard time making friends, he is nice and tries really hard, he just acts "silly" and "goofy" at times, which is him being himself, especially with the ADHD. Both of these friends don't really seem to be friendly, at least I don't see it. Or act like a "friend" by "name calling" or just not being friendly at all, one of them told DS night before last that "he was sort of getting tired of being over at our home" (he spent the night) DS took it as he just didn't want to be with him. I don't know if it's really them having a problem with DS and the way he socializes or "acts", which really DS is trying reallyhard, or it's just the way they are, being THEIR problem (thats why most of my earlier post is so big ). Being the only two friends he has should he keep them, one of them since he was four (the name caller), and I discourage these two boys as his friends, I just hate to see my Son being treated this way, or should he (an I) give these friendships a chance? Thanks again!! :)


TJ

Rather than openly discourage these friends, why not find ways for your son to meet other kids?

Hey TJ I've missed you.

My own 12 year old son is ADHD/Bi-Polar and has a hard time making and maintaining friends. The ones he's had left a lot to be desired. We've found that helping our son find his voice has helped him build his self esteem slowly but surely.

What I mean by freeing his voice is by getting him directly involved with his community. He helps gather food for the pantry with his Boy Scout unit, he helps with fundraiser's for the fire department and a few years ago we had a Nebraska officer shot and killed in the line of duty, Koda walked God knows how many miles to get a hundred signatures and donations for the card to be sent from our community to the family. He helps with feeding the hungry during the holiday season. These organizations have put him in contact with a great many supportive, understanding and caring individuals who just so happen to drag their kids along with them. I've found that kids with understanding and caring parents tend to inherite those traits as well.

Its so easy to get your family and son involved in such powerful, positive movements that you would think you needed a college degree. Go to your local Community Action office and ask how to get involved for starters find out what organizations need the most assistance, get your son's opinion on your project. Join Cub/Boy Scouts they offer many esteem building projects. Look into getting your son involved in the Big Brother organization while he may not be an only child he may need a positive role model to help build his self esteem. Ask about donating your time to your local churches-you do not have to be a Christian to volunteer to take books or food to a shut in member of your community.

All these things will not only put your son in contact with a large number of different types of people, but it will make him more understanding and more tolerant, it builds his self esteem because he MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD AROUND HIM you have free'd his voice...It took about a year before we noticed that Koda would no longer tolerate anyone calling him names or ignoring him for being himself. Its taken a long time and sometimes it looks like we are back at page one but our foot is wedged firmly in the door to ensuring our son's success and we are not about to back down now.

I've used and abused my google option so much its a miracle it still works. But, since I did not know your exact location I googled Kid Organizations-North Caronlina here are just a few of what I was able to come up with. If you try you will come up with well over twenty pages of useful information. The trick will be getting your son active without exhausting him my advice is to start small and work your way up to meeting new people.

Life is an adventure but only if your willing to step out on the ledge.

http://www.camptimberwolf.com/

OUR CONCEPT
Camp Timberwolf is an experiential outdoor tent camping program specifically designed for boys and girls ages six through twelve with ADD, ADHD, LD and similar behavioral challenges. The camp's primary goal is to facilitate the development of the positive character traits which can help these children move through life more peacefully and successfully.

These traits include self-discipline, self-confidence, respect, honesty, fairness and kindness. Taking responsibility for oneself is emphasized along with caring for others.

Camp Timberwolf life is designed to increase socialization skills and develop leadership abilities. Each child is encouraged to grow in the understanding of his or her own unique nature. Learning takes place informally in this summer fun adventure program.

http://www.ncneighbors.com/main.wsi?group_id=890

Kinston/Lenoir County One on One is a nonprofit agency funded by United Way and Governor's One-on-One Volunteer Program that matches children ages 6-16 with stable adults for mentoring relationships for one year which involves 4 contact hours a week. Plus many links to organizations that may be able to help your son build his self esteem.

http://members.tripod.com/~yep_team/

http://smartnet.smartstart-nc.org/kids/resources.htm

Hi Nucking Futs!! I've missed ya too! :) Sorry I am just replying, I had to go into work earlier than I expected.

Boy do we have alot in common! DS's name is even close to your Son's,his is "Cody". Thats a great idea, having him join into organizations, I never even that of it. Thanks! We have in the past done volunteer work at Christmas time, but we really need to do those things at ALL times of the year, as should everyone. I know you must have been very proud of Koda to walk all of those miles, you are definetly raising one fine young gentleman, with a good heart. It's a shame most parents don't care about that. :(

I know what ya mean about the "googling" I use it like crazy too! Thank you soo much for gathering all of that info for me, your a sweetheart! I have checked into Timberwolf, I have heard it's a great camp, and it's only about a fifteen minute drive from my place, ( I live in Hendersonville) it's just not in my price range unfortunatly:( Maybe one of these day's he'll be able to go! I also had him into Cub Scouts this past school year, he was going on Monday nights, then when they were crossing over to become Boy scouts, back in february, they had to meet on Tuesday nights, which was hard because he takes Karate on Tuesday nights and has been in it since he was six, I did let him pick which one to do and he picked the karate.


I am however looking into having him take karate at another karate school, I haven't been to happy at what he has learned (among other things) at this place he has been at all these years (another long story) so maybe I can get him back into Boy Scouts if he is interested. I have always thought scouts was great for kids with ADHD. Another thing I didn't think about is the Big brothers program. I'm gonna call them tomorrow, Cody thinks teenagers just walk on water! I think that would be wonderful for his self-esteem!

I just started a great book the other night, it seems to be great for helping kids with their self esteem and being assertive, it's called Sticking up for yourself"-Every kids guide to personal power and positive self esteem by Gershen kaufman. Cody's therapist has used this book some in their sessions, so I just went out and bought it, I can "hopefully" help him at home some, the only prob with him is, he thinks all is well and doesn't want me to go over the book with him at all(UGH). If you don't mind me asking, what medications are you using for your Son's ADHD and Bipolar, I have mine taking Concerta 18mg and Trileptal 450 mg in the A.m and in the P.m for the bipolar, this combination seemed to have worked for a little while, I'm just not seeing it work as well anymore? Well enough of my rambling, I'll keep ya up to date. Thanks again!! :)


TJ

Hey CJ's Mom,

This might not be the answer you want to hear, but I'm going to give my opinion, anyway. Either that boy is too mean or your son is too nice. Maybe a combo of both. Anyway, I think letting your son deal with it on his own is the best thing to do. I had a psycho controlling friend when I was young, and I left her booty behind when I went into the fourth grade and made really good friends that I kept in touch with into my twenties. Your son will one day realize that it's not cool the way his friend is treating him, and he will leave him. Or he won't, in which case you should encourage him to do so. His friend sounds like an abusive and obnoxious person. CJ sounds nice, and he will probably grow tired of this boy's attention some day and find nice boys to play with. Or at least, I hope so!!

Best Wishes
Clueless

Getting CJ involved in extracurricular activities will introduce him to new kids, so that is good advice from those that mentioned it, I think. That's how I was introduced to my new friends that year.

CJsmom....I have four sons, 2 of whom have diagnosed ADD.
We have also had similar friendship issues in the past.
I dont know if you have prior experience with little boys at age 11, but I have with my first three and now with my youngest who is also 11.

They have a hard time at that early pubescent stage just like girls do. This surprised me when my calm quiet oldest son stomped up the stairs over something I fixed for dinner when he was 12.


The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your post...if your son's two friends play with him together, I would try to change that situation to a one on one play time. Schedule activities where only one other child particpates.

Threesomes are often hard at that age and having two friends enjoy this
kind of "ugly" play with each other is not healthy for your little guy.

If the "leader" of the little group initiates trouble, the other will follow suit. It's just human nature.

Also, I made the mistake of calling down a couple of boys in our neighborhood with my first son......big mistake. It thoroughly embarrassed him and didn't help him or the situation a bit.

I also involved my sons in some activities that included none of their current friends..this is a great way to meet other kids and "start fresh" in the friendship department of life. They had school friends, scout friends, basketball friends etc. and these activities encouraged some closer long-lasting friendships.

So my thoughts...one on one friendships and allow him to try to handle the social thing himself unless he is clearly being bullied.....and introduce him to activities where he is required to make all new friendships.

This has worked for me :)

~gourmet~

Sorry I forgot to address the trouble he is having at school. One of my sons was having trouble at break time being picked on.

I called the school, spoke to the teacher, and asked her to keep an eye open for another boy his age who seemed to be friendly and possibly have a couple of things in common with my son.

She then got back with me and I had a couple of names. We invited one of the boys on a movie date and then to spend some free time playing...again one on one.

They played in my son's room where he could show off some of his action figures and his microscope. He became the host so had a little advantage over the social interaction.

After a few of these dates, he then had a new friend at school on his side and the entire situation improved. It's always helpful to have someone on your side :)

I hope it all gets better for him :)

~gourmet~

Gourmet,

What a wonderful solution using teamwork with a child's teacher.

That is a great idea asking the teacher, I'll try that this year. Last year I don't think DS's teacher really payed that much attention, during our meetings I'd ask her how he was doing socially and whom he was getting along with. Well the people she said he was doing fine with, or friends with, come to find out (from much prodding of Son) were making fun of him? I just don't think she really cared, or noticed it, I hope things are different this year!


He is playing with these two boys seperately, well actually last night they were both over here at our place, this was the first time ever. The one boy whom had lost his Mother was already planning to come over, I had already told his Dad a week ago that he could just spend the night since I am babysitting him today. He is still here with DS and things are going well....so far! Anyways, last night I get home from work and the "other" friend, the one who likes to call DS names, and neighbor, was here. I immediately thought to send him home since we were expecting the other boy in an hour, of course DH had forgot.


DH said that when they got home from going out to eat, DS wanted to have him over a little while to play, so he let him. Earlier in the day, the same boy came over, knocked on our door, I told DS earlier to tell him, (if he came over), before he even walks in, that he can only come in, or play with him if he does not call him names, If he does, he has to go home". Well DS didn't want to say that to him, he wanted me to do it. I told him right before opening the door, to not let him have all of that power, to stand up to him. So I do believe alot of this is DS being TOO nice, and not being assertive enough. So I ended up telling him the rules.


Well I noticed last night,before the other boy came over, that DS and his neighbor name calling friend, were getting along great, laughing and everything. Soo I thought I'd let them all play together for JUST a LITTLE while longer, plus I wanted DS to give the other boy, his expected company, all of his attention. Well things were going okay until the neighbor friend started acting obnoxious, sorta putting down DS, (they were all playing video games) he also mentioned in a bragging way, that he was going to a theme park today, and telling DS that he had to pick between DS to take or another friend. He had the nerve to tell DS, that he wasn't planning on picking him at all, but his other friend is not even available, I couldn't believe he even said it, he could have just not said anything! I heard nothing come out of DS's mouth, ( I was in the next room listening the whole time he was here) DS was probably in shock! This boy did the same exact thing back in November for his birthday. He came over to our place was only here a short while like he wanted to play with DS, while he was here, he announced to DS that he could NOT come to his birthday, he was only allowed to pick "one" friend for a sleep over, and he picked his other friend, he offered this info without DS even asking! Right after telling DS this info he decided to go back home, it was like he came over just to tell him that! It made me soo mad, I could tell it had hurt DS, and I did bring it up to his Mom, later that night when we ran into each other, I just thought it was cruel. DS has his faults and all, but he has never intentionally hurt anothers feelings.


I do plan on getting him back into Church, we haven't been in a while, I have no excuses except for sleepless Saturday nights (among other nights) LoL, due to DH's back problems (another long story), the church we have attended has alot of activites for kids DS's age, plus I want him involved more in church. I am also gonna check out other things he could get involved in that you all mentioned, to help him socialize, and make friends with "other" kids. Sorry again so long, hopefully this all makes sense! Thank you all SOO much, you don't know how much I appreciate your support!! :)


TJ

While your posts are long, they are ADD'er friendly and broken up nicely so we can follow them. I wish my A&P author had been so kind.

During the pre-pubescent and puberty stages its hard to get kids to open up. We've found that if we can get Koda alone with one of us one on one doing something he enjoys he will often take little to no prodding to find out what is going on in his life. Try a little alone time see if he opens up to you if not have his father try. That way you will know which parent he responds to better when school starts, you'll find that you can keep up with his social life without having to pick his brain with a jackhammer.

If his teacher isn't willing to give much assistance try signing up as a homeroom mom if at all possible that way you can get to know the kids in his class a little more personably and get a good finger on who your son should try to hand with. But, remember we can only make suggestions it doesn't mean they'll make the wise choice.

Do you think there is any way that the neighbor boy hurts your son to improve his own self image? I mean you said his mother left and doesn't have much contact and is unwilling to have much contact, that has to hurt so to make himself feel better he transfer's some of that hurt onto your son so he can feel better a little while. That doesn't make it ok by any means but maybe having a little insight will help you deal with the situation a little better. I mean it must really rub this kid raw that your son has such a devoted mother while his has nothing to do with him. My own father abondoned me days after I was born and I literally hated anyone who had a father devoted or not I was never able to see it for what it was (jealousy) until I was grown and had my own children. Maybe together we can all brainstorm ways to combat this jealousy and see if anything works. If not maybe its time to consider limiting the amount of time your neighbor has contact with your son. And you can always get dad more active by informing him he may lose his free babysitter if this behaviour continues.

Had I been in your situation I would have stepped in and said "Well since DS was not your first choice you won't mind going by yourself then". Probably not the right way to handle the situation but its most likely what I would have done. I'm still working on my smart *** tendancies.

Speak to your church leaders. We have a neighbor who works graveyard and cannot attend services every Sunday so she spoke with our Reverend who spoke to us about letting her son and daughter go to church with us. Their good kids so we usually just keep them for a few hours after church and feed them lunch so their mom can sleep. But, someone may be willing to pick your son up and bring him home on days you cannot attend. Heck when I was pregnant and would often over sleep if Doug wasn't home our pastor would come over and get the kids up and to church without waking me. lol

As for the camp I would check in and see if they don't have income scholorships as most camps do. We paid half the cost for Koda and Lexi this year to join a week long camp.

I've found that the more friends Koda has the less time he spends with them and the less the chance of his behaviours irritating someone. He does have a few that have grown into understanding and supportive friendships over time. I was worried for awhile but then I just remind myself some of my most cherished friends took forever to build a bond with.

I'm sure you probably know by now that I'm nosy by nature and that I was going to ask but why sleepless Saturday nights? Whats wrong with hubbies back? If you didn't know before today you know now how nosy I am. lol

Hugs
Cherity

Sorry about my "novels" :o slinking away..... I do get carried away! LoL

AHHH Puberty, boy do I dread, I've had to grill Hubby about boys, since girls have invaded my side of the family. Sometimes I get SOO aggravated at trying to figure out DS, he just wont open up sometimes! That's one of the reasons why I take him to his therapist, he answers her questions without the prodding, then I pick her brain! :D

Actually the boy I was talking about ( the neighbor) who hurt DS's feelings last night Isn't the one who's Mother left him and his Dad, this boy has a Mother who had a boyfriend whom the boy thinks the World, move in about six months ago, at first I thought his attitude change was the new living arrangments, but now I don't think it is.

The other boy, the one who is here today, (and had lost his Mother when he was five), I have been alot more encouraging and understanding with the friendship with him because I think some of these problems may be emotional and from his Dad letting him have his way too much, which he may really not intend to do. I just think there are times he doesn't seem interested in DS. DS sometimes sees his dis-interest, like when this boy ignores him, and sometimes he does not see it. I think most of the time it's DS's silly or goofy ways that this boy doesn't understand, plus he doesn't have Adhd, so that may make him not understand. Also they are both only children, as is the other (neighbor) boy , so the boy whom is here today has been used to getting his way with his Dad, his dad never really sets limits, then he comes over not willing to share anything most of the time, like a video game he brings over, then there goes the arguing between the two? I have thought about the jealousy part, I know it must have been terribly hard for this kid, as I also did not have my Father hardly in my life at all when I was growing up or even now. When ever this boy comes over,I try to give him some attention also, I can sorta tell him enjoys it! :)


The other friend, the neighbor, I just don't know about him, he just seems way over confident to me? I know that sounds crazy saying it, thinking he may really have a low self esteem because of always putting down DS, it's just in the way he acts, like he is some superkid or something? I dunno it's just hard to explain, I guess you'd just have to see him in person.


OOHH .... don't cha know I had to REALLY bite my tongue last night when that boy said that to my Son, it was really,really hard not to let into him! I need to work on my temper too! :D Especially since this is not the first time he had intentionally hurt his feelings.

I'll check into the scholarship for next year at Timberwolf, actually I better do it in the Winter or Spring for next summer because they probably get filled up fast! I have tried scholarships before in the past, it's just our income?? it really stinks when you don't have enough $ for it, but make too much $ for the guidelines, middle of the road stinks some times! It is definetly worth a try though.


ROFL about the Saturday nights! After re-reading my post, I wondered how that sounded! :D Don't worry about being nosy, I am the queen of "nose-in" :D

Actually I wish DH's back was hurting from other causes :D, other than these hell-ashish sciatica problems he is having, he can barely walk now, and at thirty-four years old :(. Plus getting the test results from these dumb *** doctors to figure out what the cause is, it's like pulling teeth, they are really trying our patience!

BBL, gotta make a run to the store...

Thanks again! :)

TJ

As and female ADHD/Childhood Bipolar sufferer (I'm 25 now) I can very much relate to your son's experiences and yes as your title says "not so good friends is better than no friends at all" I was just like him, I would tolerate so much sh*t from others I knew weren't real friends but I'd still socialise with them anyway...I thought it was better than being lonely, I guess I didn't do too badly as I had a very smothering overprotective mother who saw the sh*t from the clay and told me who my friends were and when I think about it I didn't have many friends at all...I guess I can count my friends on my hands and feet...however mny attitude's dramatically changed...I only have "QUALITY" people in my life now and no sh*tty types and when your boy gets to my age, he'll figure it out and hopefully adopt the same attitude.

Selena:) I haven't been here in a while (long story) although I do lurk on occasion ;) I love this forum! Hopefully now that things have sort of calmed down in my families lives, I can post more. Anyways, enough of my rambling, on to the subject... *sorry* it's long...

I have an 11 yr old Son whom has ADHD and Bipolar, he most of the time seems to have just the ADD, without the hyperactivity. When he does have the hyper activity, it seems to be him acting "goofy" or "silly" and it looks like he is not acting his age. It really doesn't seem to bother me or DH when he acts this way because it's only in spurts, plus to me he just looks "happy" or in a good mood! :) To other kids though, it just doesn't seem that way. :( It breaks my heart when he is called names at school, last year I can not tell how many times he was called "weird". NOW he is being called names by one of the people he should not expect it from, his best friend! They have been friends now since they were four years old, but lately I wonder if he should even keep up with this friendship.



Tonight I just about lost it with this boy, (I could tell he had had no medication today or worn off) after hearing him call DS stupid and idiot for the millionth time! This boy has ADHD too, his is alot worse, he acts sometimes five years old (no kidding) and is ten months older than my DS, Ds doesn't call him names when he acts immature, he knows better! This boy smiles when he calls DS names but he says it when DS is acting a little silly, and what gets me is, I look at this kid and he is acting WAAAY more silly and inappropriate! Or when they are outside throwing a ball, like tonight for instance, he automatically calls DS stupid when he doesn't catch or throw it right, I over heard Ds tell him to stop, he wasn't firm about it, but I am glad he at least told him, the thing is, this has been going on for about three months now.



Before (like going on two years) he would always correct DS like when he mis pronounced a word or miss spelled something, he does this in a "know it all way" sorry but it just really urks me! :mad: When I try to tell DS to tell him off or to tell him to go home after he does it, he just tells him to stop (sometimes in a firm tone) and thats it, it doesn't do any good. DS already has a low self esteem, and has no friends except this boy and another one, whom acts like he is doing DS a favor by playing or just being with him, onto that story in a minute. Anyways, this friend who likes to name call, his Mother and I are friends, not the kind that get together for dinner or anything like that, but we just chit chat some when she comes over looking for him, we are also neighbors. So I have thought about talking to her about it, because I am just losing my patience with seeing him treat my Son this way.



I just know our parenting styles are way, way different, I am not saying I am a better parent but I am more strict and expect manners from DS. I remember when the boys were younger her boy would hit mine,right in front of us and she would NOT tell him to appologize, she would just tell him to stop. I have always expected DS to appologize and think of others feelings, she hasn't taught him apparently about other peoples feelings, I guess? So I don't know if this will change or not, or if I am making a bigger deal than I should be, I just feel terrible that DS is putting up with this behaviour than to be lonely, it breaks my heart so terribly! He will cry sometimes and ask why he can't make friends.


Earlier today his other friend,ten years old (he only has these two) is at the pool with us, because I was babysitting him for his Dad (single parent) he spent the night with us, so it would just be easier, than to get up early this morning with his Dad on his way to work, anyways, last night the boy "acted" like he wanted to spend the night with DS, then at the pool, Ds was acting a little "goofy" this boy gives him a strange look then gives him the cold shoulder and ignores him for quiet a while, and I swear I watched DS like an eagle, he didn't do nothing to this boy for him to ignore him like he did! DS just sat down and said "I wonder what I did THIS time!"


He is starting to feel like he is walking on egg shell just to be around this boy, because he has to "guess" at what he has done, plus when he goes to ask the boy what he has done, (in aconfused sort of way) he want even give him an answer just keeps on with the ignoring,this boy does this alot at the gym we go to and we just can't understand why! His Dad is another parent that I just feel like I am wasting my time with talking too. DS also told me today at the pool that last night, not long after the boy got to our place that he told DS that "he sometimes gets tired of coming over" he just gives off this attitude like he might as well spend time with DS, he has nothing else to do! Plus I am also babysitting him for his Dad.


This past Saturday, this boys Dad called and wondered if DS would spend the night at their house, that his boy wanted him too, but I sometimes wonder if the boy "really" wants DS's company? I wonder if it is more of his Dad wanting him to have a friend (any friend over)Well DS did go over and he was not there at his house even an hour, and calls me wanting me to come and get him because he went to sit down in this boys new "blow up" chair, the boy said "he called it first" then pushes Ds out of it, (Dad actually admitted this too) but the main reason Ds wanted to come home was that he thought he wouldn't share ANYTHING for the rest of the night.


This boy has a real BIG problem with sharing anything, I have observed this, and have had to intervene before. He also brought a brand new game over last night knowing Ds has really wanted to play it and told him "no" and just sat there playing it in front of him. Of course it made Ds lose his temper after practically "begging" then the boy made it look like Ds was starting a fight, because Ds had lost his temper with him not sharing! I told DS Saturday night to be sure to call if he wants to come home, the time before that,when he spent the night over there he said he watched this boy play video games most of the night and did not get to play but for a few minutes, he wouldn't let him other than that, plus the Dad goes to bed and lets them do what ever,with no supervision, which I don't like at all!


Oh, forgot to mention, this boy does not have ADHD, that I am aware off. I don't want anyone here to think I am putting myself on a pedestal, or that my DS is an angel and that every kid is at fault, I am not at all intending it to be that way,I know I am far from perfect! I just really, really want DS to have friends, his disabilties have a great social impact on them, and he has a hard time just making friends, as I am sure you other parents are aware of. I believe it is mostly because of his reading social cues and those around him see him as acting "strange" or "weird" he tries to get attention from them, and tries really hard to be nice, but he doesn't realize how he looks. I have even wondered about aspergers, I don't know?

Both of these boys who like I said are his only friends, whom only know each other, are all only children, plus they are from single parent families. The boy who is being raised by his Dad had his Mother move out when he was five, he talks to her occasionally but never sees her, from what I have gathered she doesn't have much of an interest, however he did get to talk to her before he came over last night, at least that is what his Dad told me. I feel really bad for the boy, I don't see how a Mother could do that! Then there is the other friend who does the "name calling" his Mom seems so far up her new boyfriends butt, that I wonder if thats the reason he is acting out, the boyfriend moved in back in February and it had been the boy and his Mom living together alone since he was born, the Man seems to be really nice, plus the boy likes him and talks nice about him, I just don't know?




Both of these boys seem to have GREAT self esteems, alot better than DS, but I wonder How? And if there are reasons why they act toward Ds in this way, that it isn't in the way DS socializes, it's there own problems, or maybe both? The reason I am mentioning all of this is because I do feel for these boys, and they are nice when they want to be but DS comes from a more stabile and loving homelife, I don't see these boys getting as much of attention that they need as I give DS. The boy whom is raised by his Dad, from what I can see doesn't set limits and lets him have his way Waaay too much,so the boy is used to getting his way,Should I just encourage DS to cut off these two, and his only two friend ships he has, or deal with it because he has no friends and they have reasons for maybe acting this way? I know that DS comes first, and if DS should take these things personally, but with him being only 11, and with having ADHD and Bipolar, he doesn't think about those things, he doesn't know what it's like to live the way they do, so its hard for him to understand. Or I could be wrong, both of these kids may just not care much for having a friendship with DS, and he is wasting his time and self-esteem on these two boys. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Sorry so long!!! Thank you sooo much for reading! :)


TJ

Hi Selena,

Yes I do hope that he sees this about people when he gets older. :( I have also fallen into the trap myself with putting up with peoples crap, just to feel like I had many friends, but it has taken a while for me to grow a backbone, now I have only a few, but I am very happy with just that. I look back and can't believe some of the ways I have let others treat me, it just takes time sometimes, I guess?

Thanks again! :)


Tracy

lol you'll have to excuse my earlier mix up my meds make me feel so ???? i don't even know how to describe it.

Anyways, the boy who you are often babysitting. Have you tried hitting his dad in the pocket book? You know so and so is starting to really bully my son and if it continues you may need to find a weekend babysitter. Be nice, be concerned, be tolerant, smile but basically let him know its time for a change.

Ok this can't be good I'm feeling really rowdy today and when i'm rowdy I'm generally a smart *** so disregard my post below. lol

Let your son go to the amusement park but over feed him. That way your son can pay the mean kid back by emptying his stomach contents on him.

Ok I really need to stop myself right NOW

I'll be back when my meds have kicked in and I can play nice with all the other kids.

Later 'gator

Actually I made a big mistake a few months ago when school had just let out to tell him I'd help him out occasionally with babysitting, he offered to pay me but I said no, because at the time the boys were getting along great, plus he had DS spend the night often at their place, he'd take them out to eat alot, to the movies etc, without taking a penny from me.

The thing is DS has not really wanted to go over to this boys house to spend the night lately, mainly because of the "sharing" issue. DS just got tired of it, plus the Dad would never intervene (which confused DS). The last time DS spent the night he came home and said "never again", he said it was so boring watching this boy play video games all night and not sharing the turns that DS just fell asleep watching him, so now I feel like I should have charged him! Yesterday was the last day I told him I could babysit.

Okay I'll shut up, sorry for rambling on! :)

PS: Don't worry about not making sense, you are. I have thought the same thing about myself, I just started on new medication also, and it has definetly dulled my cognitve functioning, so hope I make sense! :D

Tracy

lol actually I feel better knowing that and yes you make sense. My problem is that I no longer have fifty thoughts running thru my mind and can't for the life of me figure out if that is normal and to be honest its all so boring. I mean now when I do dishes I have to think about dishes before I used to be able to do dishes and be off somewhere a lot more pleasant in my mind. I can't help but think to myself people really want to be this way? lol But that is another post isn't it?

Back to your son I think your doing the right thing about not babysitting anymore. I've had the experiance with Dakota where he spent a lot of time with a certain friend and when I cut the time they spent together down they actually became closer. Kids are strange creatures sometimes.

LOL " over feeding Son too much, then him "accidently" getting sick on his abusive friend" Too funny! :D You have a creative mind just like me!

It is such a pain when starting out on these meds, you wonder if it's even worth it.:confused: Your taking the Stattera right? I know with DS when he was taking it, it took a while to see some positive results with it, Just hang in there! :) The doc told me to give it eight weeks, and we were patient believe it or not,cause DS was soo irritate and really,really emotional! Boy those eight weeks were hard and looong! By I'd say around the fifth week I and his teacher at the time, saw improvements with his attention, but we had to take him off he was just too aggressive.

I hope it really works for you and Koda, especially since it's a non-stimulant, I've heard of many it has really helped. I think it's either a drug those "hate" or one that those "love" no middle of the road.

I agree with them spending less time and becoming closer and able to get along better, I am seeing it now, although the bratty neighbor name calling friend just got back from London just a few days ago, was gone almost a month, I thought it would do him and Ds some good...Oh well. :eyebrow:

The other friend ( the one I babysat with no Mom) and DS were at the beginning of Summer, spending waay too much time together, I mean they were together like every day for a week or so, we would mostly see them at the gym, but still they were together. I have come to realize thats just too much for and ADD kid,they definetly need a break!

Tracy

Hi Tracy

I'm sure your boy will eventually understand that "normal" people play a lot of sick mind games and he'll learn what a true friend really is.....mind you it took me a long time as well...so there's nothing for him to be ashamed of.

Maybe he should go to the teen's forum and chat to some other ADDer's there...most of them have the same problems.

Take Care
Selena:)


Hi Selena,

Yes I do hope that he sees this about people when he gets older. :( I have also fallen into the trap myself with putting up with peoples crap, just to feel like I had many friends, but it has taken a while for me to grow a backbone, now I have only a few, but I am very happy with just that. I look back and can't believe some of the ways I have let others treat me, it just takes time sometimes, I guess?

Thanks again! :)


Tracy

Yeah, I hope so. I just need to be patient I guess, it's really hard, especially if he gets bullied wether it's physical or not. He does have a problem with being assertive, much more so than other kids, his therapist even noticed it, I haven't seen much help from his sessions with her though. :confused:

I let DS go over to his neighbor friends house earlier tonight, I was very reluctant, I don't mind if they are here, I can observe things. He really wanted to go and assured me his friend stopped calling him names, so I let him. After being over there for two hours, which I thought was long enough, mainly because this boys Mom sometimes doesn't pay attention to what they do. Anyways, I called for him to come home, I got no answer, left a message then waited like twenty minutes, nothing, then decided to go get him myself. Which was sorta a big mistake, this moms discussion with me uh, kind set me off.....so now If you guys don't mind I've got a rant :mad: bellow,
warning ya if you just want to skip it! LoL (yes it's long, sorry :o)


Got over there and his Mom walked down their hall, (looked like she was asleep) the boys were in another room alone at the computer, I had DS clean up the legos he had been playing with, then the boys took off into another room and we started talking, which we don't do much unless it's just small talk. Well, she started talking about school fixing to start and all (hers going into middle school, first year) and she started in about the schools seem to just "coddle" the kids too much, that they need to "learn" how to deal with stuff like bullying although she was talking mainly about about "verbal bullying". Anyways she said these kids need it so they can be prepared for the real World! I could not believe my ears!! I looked at her like she was crazy! I completely disagreed with her, I don't know WHERE she comes off saying our schools are "coddling" our kids when there is all of these shootings and such going on and mainly from the bullying issue, plus alot of these kids whom are bullied become a bully too! I mean it would be different if the schools "taught" our kids how to handle it, they just don't,as I mentioned this too her. These shootings are not happening in our town but still, this bullying issue is bad everywhere, it's hurting our kids more than some people realize, especially her! She was standing there talking as if she thought it was actually "good" for these kids! I asked her how she thought it was PREPARING them for the "real World", when not many grown "mature" adults walk around bullying each other, at work, or where ever. I mean, I don't see it no where NEAR as much now as I did when I was in school! I don't "think" schools have gotten any better, I mean, am I missing something here?! :confused:

I even mentioned to her, that if an adult were harrassed or bullied alot like a kid every day at school, whether or not it be "physical" or "verbal" this adult would "more than likely" get the law involved, if not a supervisor or something. I mean, if I had a co-worker harrass or torment me like every day or come up to me even one time,and punch me, I believe I'd call the police! DUH! Our kids don't have that luxury, we have to teach them. They have to depend on the staff at school,(not much help) they just can't leave their class rooms and call the police for bullying!

I am wondering if she brought this up because of what I told her Son the other day about he couldn't come in if he was going to be calling my Son names, but if that was her reason, I could really care less! I'm STILL gonna make sure her Son doesn't start it back up, if she will not teach him to NOT call others names and thinks my Son "needs it" then I guess her Son will eventually lose a friend. Although I'm not sure that was the reason. I think since she has this "new" man in her life whom lives with her, she thinks she needs to "toughen" up her Son and let him get bullied a little if need be. This new beau of hers is probably telling her she needs too and is coddling him too much. All I got to say is she may think her Son "needs' to put up with others abuse but I sure as heck am not gonna let her, and hopefully Ds soon will not, and from her Son either! Okay enough of my rambling, I'll shut up now!

I'm not a parent yet myself, but I was a babysitter for years around the time I was in High School.
Just thought maybe as a solution to the game playing/not sharing... if this kid comes over and they can't share equally... well.. the game consoles are very easy to unplug and very lightweight and portable these days. I think i'd personally just take the game away til the other kid goes home or they can figure out how to share.
The other thing I'd like to comment on is the one kid with the hitting and calling names. If You're the one watching the kids, whether they are yours or not, you are responsible for them, and since the other parent is not there (and obviously not setting any consequences at home) they left them in your care which does include discipline sometimes. You have the right to reprimand the kid. I'm not saying to spank him or put him in time out. Call the kid out for it (i.e. tell him exactly verbatim what you saw or heard) and tell him he's not going to be allowed to do that at your house. Tell him to apologize and nip it in the butt right there. I honestly think that some kids are not held accountable for their actions or the stuff they say, which can lead to their own set of issues when they grow up... ADD or Non-ADD.
Would also like to say good job - I wish my own mother had cared as much to help me out or back me up when I was a kid.