I think ive finally noticed a pattern with myself ... after i sleep with someone i totally loose intrest in them

Its not that easy as to say... ok then dont sleep with them ....

recently there was this guy i was intersted in .. we met at work ... we hung out .. talked that, and that. He was cool, then one night we got to messing around and wanted to take it further ... i was like no i cant i have this problem (what i was saying above) and he was like no it will be diferent with me.

Well needless to say it wasnt ... and i feel so comletely turned off by him and like i dont want to see him anymore because anytime it gets intamate i litterally dont want him to touch me or be near me or anything

What do i do about these feelings i get? and how can i let this guy,, or anyguy know i dont want them after i have slept with them?
I know this sounds confusing but if anyone understands help!!

Hey there yupyup....you sound like you are doing a pretty good job at figuring yourself out...and not blaming it on the other person.

I've noticed some similar patterns in myself; for me, I seem to lose interest in a guy who seems too 'eager' about 'us' too soon. At least, for me it's 'too eager' and 'too soon', but other people don't seem to get what I'm talking about. In these cases it can be either before or after we've gotten intimate.

I've realized that it is often 'the chase' that interests me, or the process of finding out about somebody, who they are, etc. And the more they hold back a bit (without being creepy about it) the more they hold my interest. That sounds a bit shallow....but for me it means that I'm still learning about a person; if I think there's nothing more to learn...I guess I get bored.

I've also learned that getting intimate early on is not a good idea for me...because it seems that when I do, that supercedes lots of other fun & interesting things we might be doing. It takes on greater importance than it should (in my opinion), and for some guys, it seems to be the end game...not obviously, but in subtle ways.

So...maybe it's not the sleeping with them that is the issue....it might be sleeping with them 'too soon'...whatever that is for you. It could just be.....that 'too soon' is before you know them well enough to know that you want to be around them in spite of the sex.

My gosh, relationships are confusing, aren't they?

I have figured out in the past that once the challange of the chase is over that I would to lose interest in the man. I would also push the man away if they were to eager to tell me that they loved me or that they saw a future together. I don't believe I was exactly scared of commentment, but I didn't want to be counted on because I have a hard enough time counting on myself, and have gotten pretty good on getting over me letting myself down, but I don't want to be the person letting the other person down. I didn't want to feel that guilt. I finally realized what I was doing not only to the men in my life, but also to myself. It hasn't been easy making changes, but slowly it is happening. In my thought, yes relationships are confusing, but darn, I am way more confusing.

To I Forgot.....yes...you said it well. "but I didn't want to be counted on because I have a hard enough time counting on myself."

And for me..it's not just about counting on myself in little ways....like being on time, remembering things, being disorganized.... but big things.....

Like hurting someone because I've 'lost interest'. I still love them, want the best for them, will do anything for them....but I can't promise the rest of my life...or even if I'll spend New Year's Eve with them! I wouldn't marry someone, make that promise, and leave just because I've "lost interest". You can only demonstrate a certain amount of interest beyond what you really feel...and someone who lives with you day-in-and-day out will eventually know the 'spark' isn't there anymore......and I don't want to hurt anyone that way.

So I do a 'scan'...and if long-term is out of the question, I usually don't pursue a relationship...and certainly not sex.

I've discovered recently that I can love someone without a committment being required from either of us; it is wonderful to love that way, and be loved that way. Unconditional love...does not mean unconditional doing his laundry and cleaning his house, does it? There is no sex...because, to both of us, our experience has taught us that sex confuses things....people see sex differently, and do not express their feelings about it directly. Some people will think that sex means 'true love', and to others it's just a physical release. We in the US are, in general, a pretty confused lot when it comes to sex......

um....am I rambling again? sorry

This Thread makes total sense to my relationship with my b/f now. We haven't commited to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I know he likes me he knows I like him...we do stuff with eachother but never sex...and it's not like one of us has "issues" we just know that having fun is so much more relaxing...which is totally true...Sex makes things crazy..and both of our lives are already crazy enough to put that in the mix would blow things outta the water I think.

In all honesty; is it really that important to have sex with someone in the first few months anyways? I mean hey if you like it go for it...I know I've done it that way (in the first month actually) with all the guys I've dated but this guy...why start with this guy? I think he's pretty darn special...and I want to be different..more in control...feel the water out before I take that skinny-dipping jump! :)

I can understand about really liking someone then having sex with them and wanting to barf days later just looking at them...funny how our minds work.....I wonder if it's just an AD/HD thing or if "normal" people have these issues to.

...why start with this guy? I think he's pretty darn special...and I want to be different..more in control...
FlyGurl, this is exactly how I feel....and what we have now is just too good to risk just to have sex. Oh, I do like sex...a lot! But I am pretty sure with this guy...at least now... sex would make things wierd to a point that our relationship would not continue to 'grow' as it has been.

Of course, to most people, sex seems to define the relationship....like you aren't 'serious' unless you're having sex. Well, what does 'serious' mean? Committed?...well I've sure had sex without committment. Does it mean "in love".....um, same thing. I've found that sex definitely does not mean love....heck, "I love you" doesn't always mean what it sounds like it means!

I'm 48 and its taken me this long to figure this out. Hopefully I will carry this knowledge into my next life!

There should be more girls like you in this world.

T-Bass

Of course, to most people, sex seems to define the relationship....like you aren't 'serious' unless you're having sex. Well, what does 'serious' mean? Committed?...well I've sure had sex without committment. Does it mean "in love".....um, same thing. I've found that sex definitely does not mean love....heck, "I love you" doesn't always mean what it sounds like it means!



Joyous56,

I couldn't have said it better if I tried. That was totally perfect...all is true true!!

There should be more girls like you in this world.

T-Bass
I assume you're a guy (lol)....but can you elaborate? I don't want to generalize about 'most guys', but I'm not sure they would agree with you....

yeah that all seems true ... theres this one guy i met a few months back ,, and i never had sex or messed around with him... we hung out for a week and then he transfered schools across the country ,,, i am transfering there as well on friday( no not because of him ..we met because we were both moving ,,, just he moved first) ,,, so i am def. not going to push things like i have in the past .... because sex just meant nothing but pleasure to me .... not a defining action in a relationship .....
but its weird and im sure someone knows what i am talking about ... but when i really like a guy i wont messed around with them right away i take it easy, and when theres nothing ill mess auond and have sex .. ummmm odd how that works ......but ill keep yall updated with this waiting technique

this seems more like an intimacy issue than an 'interest' issue.
the fact that disgust is an effect vs. just boredom is telling

wut do u mean?

I lose my interest when a guy seems to be too into me. I feel that he's too into me and there's no excitement anymore. THey just start doing everything I say and when they don't I get upset.....yeah..i stop being nice person..hahahah and that's when I realize that I lost my interest. and I stop seeing them as attractive anymore...for the longest time I thought I was evil...hahaha good to know I am not alone *happy sigh*

Again, I still love coming to these forums and reading about myself. I am this very same way. I think it is the chase that keeps us interested that's why a lot of us find ourselves getting emotionally involved with the ones that don't want us back and we end up getting our hearts broken. There is a high class, playing hard to get, understanding guy out there for all of us, but if you lose interest, meh...maybe it's not meant to be? or maybe you are just not ready...that's what i try to tell myself...have fun while it lasts lol:D

When I look back over the men I have dated, 2 stick out as ones that should have been keepers. They weren't terribly exciting, but I could talk to them for hours on end, they made me laugh, they were incredibly nice, generous, and most important they loved me for me. Both of them I dumped quickly! Now I find I generally date the bad boys because it is exciting, but that to becomes boring, the same old drill of me being the hunter and I usually start longing to be hunted. It seems to me I will never be satisfied either way, until I figure myself out and find the thrill somewhere beyond my love life.

okay, I'm going to have to chime in here from a guy's perspective....

this is a good reason why some guys think woman(not just the add ones of course, and I'm not saying you woman) are wacky/psycho.

I just don't get this thread to be honest. Most woman it seems want the bad boy type of image(especially woman in their 20s early 30s), but then again, a lot of woman want the nice, caring, giving, funny, average-decent looking guys!

its all confusing to me.. I guess since I have dated so many woman(mid 30s) and have never been married, I have some negativity..its just frustrating sometimes. I don't know what woman want, just like a lot of guys I guess..

I guess a lot of my issues are due to the ADD, I don't know.

oh yeah I forgot to ask..:) do you lose interest because of bad sex?

Its called schivalry!We want a man who shows love and care but when needed stands ground.I know that I wanted to feel safe.I always dated men who were passive.The first time my hubby took me on a vacation before we got married we were walking by a group of men and of course they had to spout rude comments about me and I just kept walking.I was use to a man who would treat me as a equal and expect me to fend for myself.Yes,Im strong for womens lib but good grief!!!! My hubby turned and totally defended me in a apropriate,strong and forceful way.Yet,maintained his composure.My heart was his!!!!!!I respect him because he deserves it.Good sex and alot of game dont hurt neither!!!!LOL!!!!!

You think it drives you crazy? I have been doing this ridiculous dating blunder for 20 years! And believe it or not we do feel really horrible when we hurt the nice guy, I am still really good friends with the one true nice guy I ever dated, and who knows maybe one day.....

i haven't returned to this forum for a few days so to answer your question, yup yup, sorry...
i think that although its true and possibly very common that some ppl just like the 'chase' and then afterward feel uninterested, and this is probably even more common with adhd'ers, that most ppl do not take a moment to feel what it is they are really feeling. i know that sounds silly but i see it all the time with my very own girlfriends. what it normally boils down to, as far as my own anectodotal observation, is that sometimes we (as in humans, not just women) recoil from affection if we sense that the other person is vulnerable. perhaps with consummation you sense that this man that you shared such physical intimacy with is opening up to you and this is uncomfortable? by showing you his desire? or that you feel like he knows too much of you? b/c you've exposed a part of yourself (i'm not talking about the physical) that you despise? hate? can't deal with honestly? aren't ready to face?
again, i personally think that if you are seeing a pattern of disinterest it is most likely not a case where the man is so disinteresting as it is a case of the person becoming disinterested who is troubled internally, emotionally.

i just sense this in people. and although i have adhd i'm very sensitive to how other ppl feel. (i say this b/c we're often tauted as having some kind of ridiculous inability to understand other ppl's emotions or something, i know there are reasons for this but we all do not suffer from this problem)

when i say 'troubled' i am meaning those questions that i ask. are you disgusted? if so why...are you feeling like this person you just had sex with is unworthy b/c they had sex with you? don't laugh ppl. some of us have those kinds of labryinths in our minds. there are a lot of things going on i'm sure when this happens with you yup yup. i do not think its superbly simple. i think that the only person who can answer this question wholly for you, is you. for we will never know your inner workings. you have a front seat, so soak it in and tell us what you find out.

This sounds so much like me.


It seemed I liked the chase and then I wasn't interested anymore once they were interested in me .

I am 41 and I remember when I was a teenager, I said then that I would never get married because "things" bother me too much about people.

For instance.... If I went out with a guy and I didn't like his shoes.. It would start to bother me so bad, I couldn't have a relationship with him.


I AM married and believe me,,,, there are things about my husband that drive me so crazy, I literally have to leave the room. I can't stand it. It eats at me and eats at me until I say something that isn't nice.

Example-- I hate the way my husband eats an apple!! LOL. He makes too much noise. I have to leave the room because I can't stand it.

Or the way he tinkles his ice in a cup,, or his fake laugh when he's on the phone, or the way he slirps his cereal......................LOL

I was this way as a kid,, I would drive my siblings crazy because I would constantly be picking at them.. I once asked my brother if he had to breath like that LOL.

I know, it's a wonder my husband and I are still married.

Denise