Wondering how many of you have handled the transition of your child from teen to self-sufficient adult? We have an almost 22-year-old daughter who I sense is getting near another crisis. She's ADHD, ODD w/some depression and currently unmedicated since she's an adult and out of our control.

Brief history: At 18, during her senior year, she was flunking and breaking rules and after one particularly intense incident, she moved out to a friend's house. This was described to others as us kicking her out. After 2 weeks with friend, she dropped out of high school and moved into a home for troubled teens. Began her series of fast food jobs. Moved into an alternate "home" for kids. In an 18-month period, she lived in 3 different places and had 3 or 4 different jobs. "Everyone is always against her and she's forced to move on because she's not being treated fairly." But to her credit, she got her HS degree and sought out the Job Corps.

So at the age of 19 she entered the Job Corps with her chosen vocation. Seven months later, she had changed her vocational training 2 or 3 times, watched her new found friendships disintegrate and had a melt down. Was sent to their psych ward and had the equivalent of an honorable discharge. They gave her a one-way ticket to anywhere and she went across country to live with her elderly grandparents.

Spent one year there, again working a series of fast food jobs -- I think 5 different employers in 12 months. Strained the relationship between her grandparents and permanently damaged the relationship between her and the grandpa.

Three months ago, the Job Corps reaccepted her. The boyfriend she made in the first week, is no longer a friend. She's changed her vocation already, and is talking of trying to get out early and move back home. She'll be 22 next month.

I've continually tried to gently suggest to her that she seek out mental health services, counseling, medications, but she doesn't think she has a problem. We also try to support and love her and do all we can to help make her happy, but this is such a repetitive, self-destructive cycle. And it's a classic case of we can't do anything to help her until she's ready to help herself.

Does anyone have any input on how to speed up the epiphany process? Is there a light switch in there somewhere????

(We have two younger kids -- 5 and 7 -- who live at home. We really don't have the physical space to take in the older one. Plus her ODD creates a high-stress environment that isn't healthy for the littler ones. I just feel something is getting ready to come to a head and want to be prepared for how to deal with it.)

I hate to say it but my parents did it to me.

Let her fall and be there to pick up the pieces. Thru mental support. Your daughter has to see for herself that her lifestyle is not healthy and she is heading no where really fast.

Is there anyway to get her to join the forums? The more I read here the more I see myself. Perhaps, she would start to see herself and see that life doesn't have to be so hard with the proper treatment.

You can't live your daughter's life, I'm learning that with my own children. Its a hard lesson and one I don't particularly like. I'm hoping that members with adult children will have more advice just give them time to get to you.

Your in my thoughts,
Cherity

I know what you're saying, Cherity. My husband (it's his biological daughter, my step) is actually more the tough love guy than me. He's said there is no way she's ever coming back into our home. He would let her live on the street if it came to that. I don't think I could go that far, but I don't want to enable her either.

Most of my contact with her right now is via email. I've sent her the url to this place twice, urging her to seek out the teen area and communicate with other kids who've had similiar experiences. She hasn't done it -- that inability to follow through again. Or just apathy.

It's so frustrating. And I think you're right ... it will take a big crash to get it all together. But in the meantime, I just tried a bribe. I offered her $150 if she would (for a 3-month trial) utilize the mental health services and meds that the Job Corp can offer. Sometimes money talks! We'll see ... I'm hoping if she can get some meds in her system, the difference in the way she feels will speak volumes for her.

I've continually tried to gently suggest to her that she seek out mental health services, counseling, medications, but she doesn't think she has a problem. We also try to support and love her and do all we can to help make her happy, but this is such a repetitive, self-destructive cycle. And it's a classic case of we can't do anything to help her until she's ready to help herself. . . We have two younger kids -- 5 and 7 --
As a parent of adult children who are members of the "boomerang generation", I understand your concerns on a superficial level. It is said that we already have all of the answers inside us and I know you do.

* she doesn't think she has a problem
No problem. She's over twenty-one and what she chooses to do with her own life, in her own home, is her business, not yours. It becomes a problem for you when she wants to bring her significant problems back into your home and this time, she will return as an adult, not a child.

*we can't do anything to help her until she's ready to help herself
I can't improve on this one. :D

*We have two younger kids -- 5 and 7 --
Babies always take priority over adult children. Do your little ones need and deserve to go through this in their own home?

First off (((HUGS))). I know this type of thing is also gonna be a toughie for me when my Son becomes an adult, so I know how ya feel! It's soo hard to watch them struggle no matter their age, but we have got to do it.

I really can't offer any advice any different or any better than the previous posters, I just wanted to let you know that your a great Step Mom for caring and being so dedicated. I'll be thinking of you, Please keep us posted! :)

CJsMOM28,
Thank you for mentioning the Step Parent Issue.

ChitCat,
I have known too many step moms who felt threatened, jealous and hostile of a step child and I admire your spirit.

may I be of assistance, seeing as how I'm 22, ADD, and have had similar (though not nearly as extreme) tendencies as your stepdaughter?Disclaimer: I was undiagnosed, though it certainly wasn't unknown that "something" was "wrong" with me.

You can't help someone who doesn't realize they need help. But you can't just ditch someone like your stepdaughter. You need to let her make her own mistakes. Don't always be there to pick up the pieces, but always be there to listen. Be open, and let her come to you. Keep your distance, but keep regular contact so that she can come to you at HER pace. Let her live her life, but let her live her mistakes as well. Make her responsible for not only her successess, but also her failures. If my experience is typical, she'll soon realize something is very, very wrong. And when she does, she'll come to you for understanding. All you need to say is "yes, I can help you now that you've decided to help yourself". It takes time, it's not always pleasant, but it's the only way. Oh, and it's not that "tough love" junk, it's just the way life works. I've always hated it when people but together the words "tough" and "love"...as if regular love wasn't tough enough...

Thanks to all of you ... and being a posting novice, I don't know how to do the quote thing, so:

Imnapl -- you're right about her home, not my biz, etc. Since she moved out, I really have tried to not offer an opinion unless it was asked. The reason I'm getting concerned now is because I think it will soon be my business. I'm afraid she's going to get kicked out/quit again and will have nowhere else to turn. Grandparents are burnt out (forgot to mention that when she left Job Corps 1st time, we told her she couldn't come back home which is why she went to g-parents). Her biological mom is a (no exaggeration) insensitive raging lunatic who has had no contact with her for 6+ years, so that's not an option either. The thing I keep thinking is how my own parents would never turn their backs on me, and if she has NO WHERE to turn, no money to get an apt, etc. do we really tell her "too bad"?? I can see offering her a place to stay for a couple of weeks until she gets on her feet and then having it turn into a long-term nightmare.

But you are absolutely right -- the little ones come first. I already told oldest that 4-5 years ago during her raging teenage madness. I will not sacrifice the young 'uns well-being because the oldest refuses to take care of herself.

CJsMom/Imnapl: Thanks for the step-mom compliment. I'm really no saint, tho. I don't understand how anyone can turn their back on a kid in need. She was 5 when she moved in with me and hubby, so I didn't inherit an ornery teen who hated me. And as I said, her mom is so unbelievably horrific on every imaginable level (honestly, I could write volumes that would read like fiction), I felt especially obligated to be a good, subsitute parent for her. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there's been hundreds (thousands?) of times that I wished I could just bolt from it all!!!

bcaddkid: Great advice from a "kid" who sounds pretty mature and like they get it totally. Did your parents do this with you? Are you living on your own? Holding down a job? Just curious ... you don't have to answer.

And in my daughter's case, she was diagnosed at 11 and medicated until she left our house, so that's what makes it even harder ...

Update: She actually responded positively to my email about getting medical help. Said, "I promise I will seek help because you are right." But she didn't elaborate and I'm not overly hopeful. I could fill a truck with broken promises/unfulfilled goals/etc ... not to sound overly negative, and I wouldn't say this to her, but I don't count any chickens before they're hatched in her case.

Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping the breakdown/crisis that I feel looming on the horizon won't happen. Or that at the very least she will be medicated before it does.

I'm still a kid in a lot of respects, seeing as how I never learned so many things back when I still lived with mom and dad. Organizational skills, social skills...who needs those? HA! If only I knew then...

My parents were always around, even through my bad time of 17-19. I was living with them then, and it wasn't easy for anyone. Luckily, it only resulted in a few holes in a few walls, and as a result, I'm really good at fixing walls now. But they didn't take any **** either. If I messed up, I got told, hard and fast. But lovingly (lol).

What probably helped more is that somehow, even through an undiagnosed(until very recently) my parents did a great job at instilling some pretty hardcore values into me, whether it be education, politics, or just being "good". Well, maybe not so much their own values, but rather encouraging me to find my own. I don't spit out their opinions on things (much to my dad's dismay sometimes...), but they helped me find my own. Don't ask me how, the mysteries of parenting are still beyond me...It also helped that we had done a lot of counselling, both together and separately. That no one caught the ADD is annoying, but not surprising considering my marks and social life. Smart kids(I turned down Mensa because I didn't like the idea of hanging out with intellectual snobs) with friends, involved in sports, don't "need" ADD tests. I wish Canada was more litigeous...my old shrink would be making me VERY rich right now....but I digress. My parents knew something was wrong, but none of us could figure it out...

Living on my own now, which is usually pretty easy. I've made my fair share of relatively minor mistakes, and made bad roommate choices, but, it's been pretty good. Mom and dad have always been there if I've needed a hand, even though they're across the country now. It helps just to talk once in a while.

Job? Internship for now, it ends pretty soon, then it's back to school...maybe..if not, then it's working and making enough money to live until next semester, when I go back for sure. I want a degree really bad, and though I've done a VERY good job of ****ing up school(undiagnosed ADD+university=BAD scene), I'm more stoked than ever to go back...It'll happen, just maybe not without a semester break.

School is where I noticed that I wasn't OK. I needed to be 3000 km away from mom and dad to figure it out though. Moving was the best thing I ever did.

A word of caution: Your daughter is "promising" she will get help. Whatever, that isn't worth the pixels your monitor fired up to show you the text. She may want help...but that doesn't mean it's coming. If I were you, I'd "strongly offer" to help her find that help. That means finding her a GOOD psychiatrist, making the appointment, and even DRIVING HER TO IT AND SITTING IN THE ******* WAITING ROOM TILL SHE GOES IN. She's on the other side of the country? Fly/Drive out there and do it. I'm dead serious. ADD kids (and at 22, we're still kids, trust me...) sometimes need handholding, and it sounds like your daughter does. You're her mom...I know it sucks to have to deal with this, but seriously, it'd probably help her. Just do it as a friend...tell her you're going out and you guys can "catch up, have dinner, have some fun, and go to that appointment". I think it'd help, a lot. Remember: ADD people haven't learned a lot of the skills that come so much more naturally to most people, so they need help. You're in a great position to help, especially in this way.

Wow I ramble so much in posts.

bcaddkid,

I'd forgotten that ADDers mature later than some other people. Thanks.

Hi there.... I hope it's ok to join in the conversation.... We are also parenting a young adult ADDer and it's getting unbearable. He's 24, will be 25 in 6 weeks, is currently unemployed and really doesn't care to work. He gives looking for a job lip service, but....

Our son was diagnosed ADD with learning disabilities and low IQ in Gr. 1 and we were encouraged to try Ritalin. We managed to hold out on that for a couple of years, but eventually gave in. He disliked the Ritalin and in Jr. High, refused to take it anymore. Things went down hill, as he started smoking cigarettes and pot, drinking and hanging with younger students who just wanted him around to buy them booze. He got into some trouble, and "dropped out" (was asked to not come back) of school after repeating Gr. 11, still a subject short of completion, and refused to go anywhere else to finish high school. He was 19 by then, and legally an adult in our province. Also in this space of time, he was sucked in by a sexual preditor and assaulted, which we didn't know about until a couple years later when he attempted suicide.

He managed to find a job (very low paying, service industry) and kept it for a few months. He was drinking lots and not coming home, or phoning. He quit that job without notice and went to live at his Aunt's home and he was living there when he attempted suicide. He moved home after that, and was under psychiatric care, but only pretending to take the meds. He got a job in retail, kind of a hardware store, and kept that one for 2 years only because we, mainly I, drove him back and forth to work. As soon as he got his own vehicle on the road (and only because the $$$ was provided by his Aunts and us), a crisis with his girlfriend sent him running down there, 6 hours away, without telling us, or anyone else, namely his employer, that he was going. Thus the end of that job. That was in April. He lived with my sister and her husband and family for 6 weeks, free of charge while he waited for a rehab program.

He checked into a one year alcohol and drug rehab program in July and lasted 4 days. That one cost us $700 just for that.

I haven't even gotten into how much $$$ he owes us. Thank goodness he's never gotten any credit cards!!!

His money just disappears, his friends are drinkers and pot heads who just take advantage of his generous and gentle nature.

He says he hates taking any kind of meds, but continues to have "slips" while pretending to go to AA meetings.

His girlfriend has given him ultimatums, and it has helped somewhat...

BUT

We, as his parents are at the end of our ropes. My husband can just barely talk to him anymore and yesterday, when I suggested that maybe he could do some laundry (his room is a disaster and smells bad) he basically told me to be quiet. (Made a "ssssshhhhht" sound and used his fingers to make a closing signal)

I have made an appt. with our family Dr. to get a referral to a neurologist to explore something I have read about temporal lobe brain damage. He says he's willing to go for some tests.

BUT

In the mean time.... I'm... WE'RE about ready to scream.

I know this can't be encouraging to you, chitchat, but know you aren't alone in the frustration.

My son's girlfriend has started reading and educating herself about ADD and Alcohol and Drug Abuse Recovery because, as a non-ADDer, in the year they have been dating, she's tried to get him to change mainly with anger, and that's not working for her.

I'm sorry I'm so long winded here, and maybe I should just start my own thread.....

We get so tired.

We also have a daughter, 26 and another son, 23. They are non-ADD and doing well. It's difficult for them, too, watching us expend so much time, energy and money into their ADD sibling.

Good news... he went to see a counsellor this morning.... Bad news... he was almost half an hour late for a one hour appt.

Crichie:(

I mentioned low IQ... we have since found this is not true.... he's very intelligent when he's given the opportunity to learn in single subject focussed situations. He usually scores in the high 80's and low 90's. So, there's all those years of feeling stupid to undo, too.:(

School was very frustrating for him, in that, even in the resourse room, he was pulled from subject to subject all day, every day, instead of letting him do a whole year of each subject, one subject at a time.

Hope that made sense.
Crichie