:faint: I dont think I have had a day like this in a long,long time.I almost totally lost it.I finally came to my senses in the krispy kremes parking lot of all places.I was ready to totally take down a 250lb. man because he honked at my mom for not turning fast enough!!!I looked at my poor mom and realized what i was doingand quickly got a hold of myself.:eek: WOW! I never realized how I take my sadness,turn it inward and it comes out in a burst of anger.I still have alot to learn hu?Im so sad,frusterated and I need to figure out a way to not let things bother me so badly.I do very well with not letting most things get to me but my sister is tearing me apart from the inside out!She is married and has chosen(HER HUBBY TOO!!!)to lead a swingers lifestyle and I have been very calm for about a year until it has consumed so much of her life that I can no longer sit and watch.I try to show love,patience and understanding in all things but I am only human and I dont know how to release this pain from my body.I am very openminded but when its your sister its a totally diffrent game.Today I cried and litterally begged her to stop.I know its her life but how do you let it go?She has lupus and we almost lost her as a baby from kidney disease.She is three years older than me so she is32,but I still see my sis in the swing next to me.Riding our three wheelers and playing.I have always been very protective of her,I told her I will never give up on her cuz she didnt me.Am I wrong?I tried,I really did.She said she will never turn away from me and somewhat I believe her but I need advice on how to let this settle in my heart.I truly thought with understanding and patience and love I could pull her back but I think Im scaring her away.I hope Im not being a closeminded radical jerk,thats the last thing in the world I would ever want to be.All of you always make me feel so much better,I know that the advice I will get will help me greatly.:o

If you were not upset about your sister, would it be something else on which you were dwelling? That was what finally drove me to try medication. It doesn't make me "normal," but I can let go of things a little easier, which, with a teenage daughter in the house, is a good thing.

Thats what scared me so much.I am on adderal and ever since Ive never had a problem with my sometimes agressive behavior.It was like I wanted to take my anger at the situation and damage someone else.That is OLD behavior for me and I hate that!

For one thing, when I was on Adderall I was as agressive and angry and intolerant as I've ever been in my life. I was VERY unhappy. That stuff just did something to me that I couldn't handle. My doctor told me that I needed to give my body time to adjust to it but I couldn't stand it long enough to get that far. After a week or so I flushed the Adderall and called my doctor and told him I would NOT be taking that medication ever again in my life. It was that bad. I felt a lot better soon after that.

As for your sister, is she happy? Maybe you're imposing your values on her when she enjoys her lifestyle. Sometimes you have to let go and allow the people you love the respect to be their own person and make their own mistakes, although I realize how hard that can be. But I've heard of people who've had long successful marriages just like your sister's. I don't understand open marriages either but strangely enough they do seem to work for some people.

Just food for thought...

Thank you so much 34,I know that you are right,I just wish my heart could get that! I guess I just dont understand it either.I was okay until she told me that she was bi-sexual also and they have moved a girl in their house,I think thats when I lost it.I feel so hypocritical because I have many very close acquaintences that I cared,respected and some loved deeply.I wonder why it stops with my sis?In fact I dated and lived with a gay man for 5 years.He was the love of my life and we are still great friends,he would be so mad at me right now.I know he would say Im being a hypocrit!! today is a new day,Im gonna keep working on this.(myself,not my sis.)

I knew a couple, years ago, who instigated a whole group into into non-monogamous semi-coupled relationships. This went on for many years. Everyone else I kept contact with drifted off and eventually stuck with one partner.

This couple is still together.
Monogamy is a cultural artifact (as is strict heterosexuality). Many societies allow the guys to have as many wives as they can afford, the wives are not permitted to look at another man-- now how fair is that?
But you know all that.

You could talk to your sister about what she's doing and tell her how you feel about it and that you're concerned for her. I wouldn't worry too much about imposing your values on her, go right ahead, she's a big girl. But impose them to her face and hear what she has to say.

If she not going to change, then you can trust her and accept her choices (even if they bother you) or distance yourself from her for awhile. But you'll get everything out in the open.

Good luck with this.

As someone who has been through what your sister is most likley feeling, I can say that with me and my sexuality, I do not expect the people who love me to understand or agree with my life but to accept me as I am. I know that is hard and hurts very much but it is also hard to be around someone who does not accept you, no matter how much you love them. I work with many women who have went through some pretty bad stuff that was inflicted by someone else and one thing we do with bottled up feelings with no outlet is a burning ceremony. What you may want to try is to write down everything that bothers you about your sisters life and then everything that bothers you about how your feeling right now. Take that outside, allow yourself to validate your feelings, burn the paper to ash and then let it blow away in the wind. You would not believe how much burden is lifted from your heart after something so simple. It isn't going to make you accept your sisters lifestyle right away but maybe you feel better at least enough to reapproach the way you feel.

Don't know if this helps but I hope so.

I was hoping to see you on this thread,thank you Draven.

No matter what the preference or standards, it is always a little bit weird (I find) discussing sex with relatives. And public displays of affection are not my bag either.
Brandilyn, maybe the Adderall is making you a little more sensitive.
Would you sister understand if you said you just aren't comfortable with such things?
Would it bother you as much if you weren't on the Adderall? Or would it be worse?

I was ready to totally take down a 250lb. man because he honked at my mom for not turning fast enough!!!I looked at my poor mom and realized what i was doingand quickly got a hold of myself. WOW! I never realized how I take my sadness,turn it inward and it comes out in a burst of anger.

This isn't very safe. I mean being protective of your mom would not intail endangering her!!!! I do not know if it's the Adderall I some how doubt. Scense you went right into the thing with your sister you may be mad at a world you can not change. The hurried man who hinked at your mom, you can't change. As much as you do NOT want to hear thins you sister you can't change!!!!!

If taking your anger out on a rather large person may I suggest it not be with your mom present. No matter what the out come it would have been a tramatic experience.

Sitting down and writting your feeling out or sharing with trusted friend (maybe the homosexual guys you mentioned he would not be judgemental toward your sister) may help you deal with the anger and feeling of helplessness (yes I did go there) in a rational manner. You need to deal with your inability to change your sister's sexual preference or decisions. Maybe some education may be of assistence. As some one who has literally "been there" (a swinger) it seems obvious to me you are mis-understanding some key points.



She is married and has chosen(HER HUBBY TOO!!!)to lead a swingers lifestyle

Please note the word choosen your sister choose to participate in an "alternitve" relationship "rules" Contrary to many "traditionals" knowledge, swingers have agreed upon "rules". These "rules" or agreed upon limitations are discussed at length between the couple. Because of the emotional high stakes of a swinger life style comminucation is a MUST.......the openess permitted by this style actaully premits more open discussion of ones urges desires or preferences not otherwise openly comminucated between "traditionals".

Would you have felt better if your sister would have cheated on her husband??? See cheaters don't discuss there s curiosities or desires with their partners. Cheaters have sex with others while expecting there partner or spouse to remain faithful. You sister is obviously an open and honset person with a back bone. I think those are some excellent qualities that you should be very proud of!!!!!!



I know its her life but how do you let it go?

Realize it is her life...She is 34, sounds grown to me. How would you like it if she expected you to be a swinger like her??? How about a bi-sexual, I mean she is bi-sexual does she expect you to share her sexual preference??? Why would you excpet her to share yours???????

As harsh as that sounds that is what you are doing you are expecing your sister to be like you. Well is she expecting you to be like her????? Doesn't she accept you the way you are!!!! Do you expect her to be what you think she should be????? Is that very fair???? Is that love??????



I told her I will never give up on her cuz she didnt me

Not giving up on her??? Is she addicted or some thing??? Bi-sexuality isn't a disease like alcoholism or drug addiction it is a sexual preference!!!!!!!



Am I wrong?

Are you????? Is your current attitude or behavior allowing you to be closer to your sister????? Only you can answer this....




I think Im scaring her away.

If you were my brother you would be driving a wedge between us because you would be refusing to accept me as me. See you don't need to understand[I]some one to love them but if you want to be close to them acceptence goes a long way. Look at it this way if understanding was an actual requirement for love no one would ever love because I don't understand men, my teen-agers, my dog, my self, my best friend, (long list) I probably never will but that sure don't keep me for loving my male partner, my teen-agers, my dog, my best friend ect...getting the idea.



All of you always make me feel so much better,I know that the advice I will get will help me greatly.


Sorry I couldn't do both. I could have made you feel better but my advice would have not been helpful. If you get nothing else out of this maybe you can be mad at me for awhile so you can love your sister for who she is.

Last thing some times this swinger style can be a phase as stated above. I wouldn't count the minutes or any thing but Gary was cerious about this life style so we discussed it and we "swung" for about six months before we both decided we prefered to go back to "traditional".

I know the adderal has something to do with my jumpiness lately,Im starting to feel anxious like I did before I started it.I do notice that it is messing badly with my fight or flight button.The truth about why its killing me about my sis is a religious thing.The funny thing is,she is too.I actually would feel better about it if she said that she was gay and that she was going to be true to herself.I would totally accept that because I dont feel that it is a choice.Bisexuality on the other hand feels wrong to me,not because of some highly religious selfrighteous doo doo.I go with my gut.Something makes it feel detremental to me and I dont know why.Like shes running with a butcher knife.I wonder what kind of frame of mind can she be in when she is doing these things.Thats another one of my problems,I obsess.I turn myself inside out.I have opened my heart and let it flow,she is so sad that I feel this way.She hates making me cry and we talk very openly about everything so we are just fine,in a sense.Our love is strong and I will always love her and support her.I guess what Im trying to figure out is wether to say okay and go on or to keep trying to change her mind.I dont know whats up or down with this situation,I feel powerless and uninformed.Its amazing how it hits you diffrent when its your sibling hu?

UG!!!!Im crying!!Thank you .You are right,I dont have to understand to love her.No,she dosnt expect me to have the same preference as her and shes a wonderful,beautiful person.I am not being fair,I thought just today that she would probably tell me that shes gonna stop to protect me and then not and I dont want that to happen.I want her to be able to come to me with anything,share her happy and sad times.Her hubby dosnt seem that into it and she has to push him and thats another fear I have that he will leave her for someone else he met doing that and then she will be alone!I hate that!! I love her so much.I do want to be in control,I know,I release it in anger by pushing my weight around.Which is pretty funny cuz im 5'2" and 125lbs.Im really getting great insight and I feel like Im really growing in places I was scared to.thank you meadd

thank you meadd

You are much more than welcome!!!!

I'm only a vessle to which truth has choosen this time to use (can't say more due to guildlines)... I believe you may understand.


To be honest I too was conflicted internaly due to spiritual beliefs and personal convections...it was those influences that finally won out and allowed me to realize that "swinging" wasn't what I wanted.

This "time around" with Gary I was blind sided by my own dis-taste for this type of arrangement. I was more or less introducted into intimate relationships swiger style from a very young age and did not fore see a problem. Despite my understanding of how this "alternitive" life style works and my previous enjoyment during my first marriage I found Gary and my recent "swinging" experience dis-tasteful and emotional draining. I have decided I prefered the tradtional monagmous style.

No one on earth could have changed my mind no matter how much I loved them or they me..... the change had to come when I was ready and began from "within my heart".


Acceptense does NOT mean agreement.....you may be right about the out come but that isn't nearly as important as being right there when she needs you........

poly relationship as you describe there is a good chance conflict will arrise....she will either be competeing with the other woman for her husbands attention or your sister's husband will be competeing with the other woman for your sister attention......I have witnessed these things and having a loving accepting sibbling will be extremely important.......a lot more important than having some one who is right.

I am assuming that your sister already knows how you feel....if so then all you can do is hope, pray, and love her no matter what!!!!!

I am glad you found my intial post meaningful .... I know it was not an easy digest.. The love you have for your sister is awsome!!!!!!!!!



then she will be alone!

Not with a wonderful loving sibbling like you by her side!!!!!!


peace out!!!!!!

Meadd,you are the one who has really made a impact onthe direction I decided to go with this issue.We are as tight as ever!I told her Ilove,support and think nothing less of her and that I would be here for anything that happens and lets just get back to loving and enjoying each other.Now my family is at her and crusifying her and thankGod I straightened up in time to help alleviate the pain shes having thrown her way.I can see it in a diffrent light.Its out of my hands.That itself,feels darn good.thank you so,so much meadd.

Brandilyn, I understand why you'd be concerned for your sister and your religious concerns on this matter. I want to remind you that you don't have to change your belief's to accomodate your sister's lifestyle. Keep loving her and praying for her and remember you can't make her choices for her.

I agree with Sosninity. If it wasn't this it would be something else you'd be worrying about. (There is a general underlying anxiety for a lot of us caused by the AD/HD or sometimes in addition to it that looks for a place to focus our already tense worried minds -- not that I have any experience with such problems:rolleyes: ). There are other medications that can be added to Adderall to help with the anger control issues (There are suggestions in Dr. Hallowell's Distraction books as to possible combinations) or maybe a different medication entirely or a combination with behavioral modification therapy. It sounds like it would be really valuable to see a professional psychiatrist or psychologist who is well versed in AD/HD to help you figure out what combination is right for you. Sounds like you really need some supportive people in your life to be there for you -- don't try to be the Lone Ranger -- it doesn't work. Even if it's just a trusted friend, family member or 12 step group (they exsist for almost every issue imaginable -- co dependency, anger, emotional dysregulation, etc.) -- going it alone is hard. Most of us ADDer's have trouble quieting our selves once we get in this state.

Take gentle care!
Scattered

Yes Scattered,its sooooo hard sometimes.When I first started taking Adderal xr it squashed all my unwanted symptoms,but after a week it goes right back.In fact worse because I get so upst because I know how it feels to be in control of my emotions.Sometimes I think it would have been better to have never known.Has anyone ever heard a conclusion to the adderal tolerance question?What happens next?Will he up it again and if so will it keep happening?I know that I really did enjoy the last psycologist but it was draining my account and between diapers and everything else (LIKE GAS!!!!!)Isnt it terrible?The best help Ive ever gotten was from you guys,a spacial few of you have really pulled through for me and put me at ease at very hard times.I appreciate you all.I know Im confused and I can see it in my posts and the wisdom that flows from you all is moving and life changing......