I left my fiance a couple of weeks ago. When we first met, I looked at him and knew and so did he. This was 2 years ago. Well, everything was going great. I was so happy up until one morning, we had to get up realllllllly early to find parking in the city so we didn't get a ticket. Well, I am really crabby in the morning if someone wakes me up other than kissing or hugging me. We were driving around in his car to find a spot and neither of us had a cigarette since the night before because we had to wait to get our paychecks that day. Idk why, but I just suddenly got really irritated with him and he with me. I guess because we were doing a nicotine fit thing idk. He said something that really made me angry and I smacked him for it in the face. I've NEVER EVER hit anyone before...not like someone that I was in a relationship with. He retaliated in the same manner as I hit him. After that, he got mad at me one night because he was out with his friends partying....I got bored so I invited a few of my guy friends over to hang out and bs. I called him up and TOLD him that they were coming and he seemed to have no problem in the beginning. Next thing I knew, he had his best friend over with him yelling at me and my friends, telling me I wasn't acting like an engaged woman blah blah blah....Well, he was going to kick me out. We were going up the elevator and he said something that really hit home. I can't remember what it was now, but I slapped him again. He didn't hit me back that time but another time we got into a little wrestle. I wanted to make him aware that it wasn't accepted. He got on top of me and almost choked me and I turned it around and pinned him to the bed and punched him in the head. Another time, he threw objects at me creating a bruise in the back of my leg. Another time, he dumped beer all over me. The thing is...there is so much more since it has been two years. I should NOT have hit him in the first place, but this was 6 months ago and ever since then, I haven't gotten over it. It's like I just completely forget that I hit him FIRST. We are giving it a break to see how things go. I moved in with some roommates for the time being. Now, we hang out sometimes and go out on dates, but it doesn't seem the same. I love him with all my heart and I care about him more than anything, but some feelings changed. We were constantly fighting about anything and everything, but really dumb things. Half the time, I didn't even know what we were fighting about. It was like we werent on the same level anymore. I don't know what happened. It seemed as if we just weren't accepting the whole "who you are" parts anymore. SUddenly, we became an irritating chore to one another and I never thought in a million years that I would feel that way.. What should I do? I feel so broken. Now, I find myself wanting to be with other men and just wanting to be wild and have fun, but at the same time, I feel bad about it. I feel so confused. It's like I don't know what I want anymore and I used to. Sometimes, I think my great deal of spontanaeity comes from confusion=\

Sorry things are so hard. It sounds like a really good idea for you guys to take a time out. One of my mom's favorite saying was "Make haste slowly". Pretty good advice especially for ADDers.

I hope you'll look in to getting some help with handling stress. The problem is we ADDers don't have the proper break between thought and action, so we're pretty impulsive. That can be a huge problem in relationships (speaking from personal experience here). What you described sounded pretty scary too. It was wrong for you to hit him, but that did not justify him trying to choke you. He needs some professional help to deal with his issues these problems unfortunately tend to get worse not better on their own.

I hope you'll take this as a learning opportunity and not get too down on yourself. A lot better to find out how that kind of stress effects you and your boyfriend now, than after you're married. There are a lot of useful tools -- my counselor recommends journaling about your feelings and practicing relaxation breathing on a regular basis, so you can pull on it when you need it. There are other behavioral techniques as well. I don't know if you take meds or not, but they sure helped me and dramatically improved my relationship with my husband.

Take care and stay safe!

Scattered

Thanks. It's just like we don't know eachother anymore. We aren't on the same level with anything...well, any important thing anyways. It's wierd. Yes, stress was always a big factor. It's so hard because I feel really vunerable now with other men. I am trying my best to take a step back and take care of me, but I'm so emotional. I love him so much, but maybe I fell out of love after that incident. I do a lot of impulsive things according to him, but I don't think they are impulsive. i am so simple minded that it just seems so complex to other people. Like for instance, I don't mind being low on money as long as my bills are paid, but he does. I don't mind giving my last $5 to a bum, but he does. I'm so free spirited and the thing is, regardless of the AD/HD, I love the way I am. It's wierd. Now that I'm not with him anymore, I find myself constantly explaining to other people why I do the things I do or why I act the way I act. I never did that before. I always had to do that with him. He thinks that I can not take constructive criticism, when in actuality, he is paranoid about what other people think about the way we live our lives, how responsible we are blah blah...and to be honest, I don't care what they think. I just want to live for the moment and think about my future and he just seeems sooooooo far away from me. I'm really free spirited and sometimes, I feel that he is jealous of it....

Why dont you plan a get away together.Sometimes my husband and I get lost in everyday life and we forget that we really like each other and enjoy each others company.Time apart is always good but if your like me it tends to make me panic.I cant take breaks.It tends to make me circle in for a early conclusion which is not really healthy sometimes.Im the same way.My hubby is very conservative and I AM NOT.Im always giving or helping in some way and he is working hard to provide more and more.He dreams of being sucessful and now he is.He started his own company and I turned around and its HUGE!I on the other hand would be happy with very little.Just a little patch of heaven and my babies and dogs.He likes money,clothes and cars.I could care less.I dont even wear make up.Dont get me wrong,I would if I needed it so dont think Im not self concious,I am.It all boils down to this.He needs me and I need him.Without him I would be lost,without me he would be cold.Ying and yang,its wonderful and it makes the world go round.You shouldnt hit each other though,I know its hard cuz Im one to take it outside at the drop of a hat!I have hit him before and it made me feel terrible and vowed never to do it again.Good luck to you.

Thank you Brandilyn. Our relationships sound similar. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I just wasn't happy. Maybe this break will give me a chance to have fun. I just always feel like I'm missing out on something. I don't want to marry someone feeling that way. I do want to settle down though in the near future. Just not right now, but at no fault of his, I just felt tied down. I get all antsy and anxious when I feel tied down or controlled. Not to say that they intend it to be that way, but I'm just not ready and that's what makes me impulsive.... Idk...I guess I just need to stop analyzing. I hate how I always have to think deeply about everything even when it's a small issue....oy! But sometimes, I find more comfort getting lost inside my head and having an intelligent conversation with myself than I do with anyone else!

Jamie Lee, One of the suggestions Hallowell makes in his books is to be sure your partner is someone who likes you for who you are. If someone is always criticizing you and making you feel bad about yourself, this is not going to be a fun person to spend your future with. I know. My husband has been very critical of me for a lot of years and it really tears down the spirit. ADDers tend to be pretty sensitive to rejection and a constant barage is almost impossible to filter out. I went to some very unhealthy places (not going into details) trying to cope with the anxiety and depression that constant criticism brought on. Fortunately, when I got my AD/HD diagnosis my husband realized all the goofy, inconsiderate things I was doing weren't because I didn't care just that I was frequently clueless and things have improved dramatically, especially once I started meds. Still not perfect though. If this guy can't treat you right now, before you're married, even knowing you have AD/HD, it wouldn't improve afterwards. I can pretty much guarantee that -- people are less tolerant of their spouses than they were when they were dating. Take a break and have some fun -- life is meant to be enjoyed! And it's really cool that you like you! Don't let anyone take that away!

Scattered

Thanks scattered. Last night, he vowed and promised that he likes all those little quirks. The fact that they frustrated him so much that I could dig into his subconscious and stress in life, he said got in the way. He asked me for another chance because he swears up and down that I am his better half and he can't live without me. He brought up a ton of things that he wanted to change about himself. Then, he asked me what he could do to improve, but the things that he came up with on his own were already the things that bothered me and I didn't have to tell him. He doesn't want to change who he is, but he knows that he wasn't being himself for awhile. So, I will take it one step at a time and see how it goes. Thanks for your input. I greatly appreciated it:)

You take care, kiddo! I'm wishing the best for you -- you deserve it!:)

Scattered

((((((hugs))))))

One thing that keeps coming to mind is that you were both acting out violently towards eachother. Not even with the petal of a rose, should a man ever hit a women but that does not mean it is ok or acceptable behaviour for a women to hit a man unless in physical self defense. Maybe both of you should look into anger management. Until you both have worked on the problems with in yourself, I would not suggest bringing anyone else into your life. Just because you had never done this before the first time, does not mean that it will be the last time or that it will not happen with whom ever you date. We have to remember to take responsability for our own actions and our problems. He most deffinatly needs to work on himself as well but just because he hit you back does not make you a victim. Domestic violence is not limited to men hitting women but men who hit women and are arrested usually have to take anger management and I think it is a great idea for both sides. I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but maybe it is what you need to hear. I think it is wonderful that the two of you made the choice to take a break. So often people end up staying together and it only gets worse. You both made the right choice.

*hugs* ^^ Thank you and I completely agree...