Are any of you strongly motivated to helping your children avoid your mistakes, and keeping them from suffering your hardships?

I always felt that way about my son, but as our ADD became apparent, and I began to see my patterns repeated in my son, I started feeling even more strongly about this.

I started my school career mildly retarded, or learning challenged, or whatever they called it in those days. I went on to "smart but lazy," then "gifted but lazy," then just plain lazy. Amazingly, none of these labels, or my schools' responses to them, were particularly helpful to me as a student or human being. ;)

In part due to my disenfranchisement from academics, and in part due to my natural inhibitions, I did a lot of stupid things that I have (thankfully) lived to regret. My life now is pretty good, but the road has been bumpy. I would like to smooth out that road for my son.

I figure that he has some advantages that I lacked:


A father who loves him and is in his life
A "together" mother
Financial stability
A handle on his brain construction, rather than moralistic labels
A more "child friendly" living environment
I considered my son's start to school to be my first challenge. The school started giving me the old "he just can't keep up" routine. It harkened back to my early school years of being the dummy. Man, I know from experience that that is just crushing. So I am fighting them, and trying to give my son the confidence and esteem to succeed.

I know that the real challenges will be when he hits puberty, and the pressures and responsibilities start to weigh down. I am trying to prepare him for that now, too.

The feeling that she's loved, even when she's weak, misbehaving, rude, belligerent or any of her other negative attributes, seems to be earth shakily powerful to our youngest. M2 is just turning 12 this month.

PU read to me recently from "Raising Cain" (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0345434854/103-4188502-8367814?v=glance) that a very large study done over 23 years determined that fathers attendance in PTA was "the" most effective parenting action. I don't remember all the details, but the researchers were at least as surprised as anyone else when this became clear.

One of the toughest things for me to accept is that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many of the chains that bound me that I break so that she doesn't have to follow me down some painful path, it's still not going to be enough to save her from it all. I can't waste a moment in regret or I become less potent to her as a guide, coach and mentor.

As our kids age, I'm becoming much more detached from the things that are painful. M is moving to the city tomorrow just an hour north of us. She's going to the U of W and classes start on Tuesday bright and early. One down, two to go. M seems quite capable. I'm sure she's going to be the easiest. B at 16 is quite impulsive and influenced much more by peer pressure. She's done her first day at work this week training to wait tables and pump gas. Hopefully not at the same time. Our biggest challenges will be with M2 as she's just like I am. We are both defined in our painfully wrong decisions by fear and insecurity.

By loving her when she's struggling, I've had my biggest successes with her. More will no doubt be revealed.
Cheers! Ian.

Of course, Um. (sorry forgot how to spell your name). I have daughter who is very much like I was. I don't want her to ever hurt or make any of the mistakes I've made. But that's not possible, so I'll be there be there for her with my love, support, acceptance, prayers, understanding and whatever hard earned lessons I'm able to pass on to her. What else can a parent do?

Scattered

Thanks for the response, Scattered. Of course I know that I can't remove all the bad decisions and hardships from my son's future. They are in a certain sense inevitable and, dare I say it, necessary.

That's why I say "help." When I look back at the wrong turns I made, and the things that were done to me, I look at how I might help my son through those decisions -- even if it just means preparing him for them before the fact -- or stand up for him when he needs it.

...determined that fathers attendance in PTA was "the" most effective parenting action.
Interesting! We don't have a PTA but I am fairly involved in my son's school. Hopeful news!

...forgot how to spell your name
No prob. If it gets hard to remember you can always call me "Ryan."

-Ryan :)

I've read a number of your posts, Ryan, and you sound like a very caring, tuned in father. I think your child is very blessed to have you for a father and will make it through the twists and turns of AD/HD in pretty good shape! I was just reading Dr. Barkley's book for parents of AD/HD kids and he was explaining that while genetics appear to be the primary factor in whether a kid has AD/HD the severity and chronicity (sp?) of how that AD/HD is expressed are strongly influenced by the family's influences. So take courage friend!:)

Scattered

We don't have a PTA here either, but many do. My wife has been an active teacher for a number of years. She puts a lot of stock into the strengths of parental, especially fathers involvment at school as a good omen for the future.

This weekend my "breaking the cycle" was to lie on the back lawn with her to watch a passing thunder storm that put on a great light show.
Cheers!