My partner shows all the syptoms of ADD including family history but is unwilling to accept the possibility. She doesn't want to be labeled. She also has other issues from being raised by an alcoholic mother with ADD (also undiagnosed but obvious).

One question I have is about ADD and dishonesty. Is it common for those with ADD to lie or hide the truth?

My partner shows all the syptoms of ADD including family history but is unwilling to accept the possibility. She doesn't want to be labeled. She also has other issues from being raised by an alcoholic mother with ADD (also undiagnosed but obvious).

One question I have is about ADD and dishonesty. Is it common for those with ADD to lie or hide the truth?
Welcome to the Forums, Chaotic!:)

I don't have any statistics on it, but I have read and observed that ADDers frequently shade the truth a bit in an effort to cover up their screw ups and sometimes they simply haven't let themselves know the truth -- we're not the best self observers. We so frequently miss things that we're not even always sure what we remember and where we're just filling in the blanks.

Scattered

that ^ plus an "eager to please" attitude coupled with "if i tell ____ what i am really thinking, s/he won't like me anymore".

at least, that is where my "lying" comes from. i can't answer for anyone else, but it is a theory.

Welcome to the Forums, Chaotic!:)

I don't have any statistics on it, but I have read and observed that ADDers frequently shade the truth a bit in an effort to cover up their screw ups and sometimes they simply haven't let themselves know the truth -- we're not the best self observers. We so frequently miss things that we're not even always sure what we remember and where we're just filling in the blanks.

Scattered
Yes...I've lied. Used to lie all the time when I was a kid for the reasons explained above. But also because the punishment from my parents was so over-the-top at times I was scared to death that any little infraction, accidental or purposeful, would be met with the same hysteria and anger as a major infraction.

In adult life, I've written my ability to lie off as "spin". Hey...it works for politicians! But then again, I'm not a politician! So now, more and more, I bite the bullet and admit when I screw up. I don't use my ADHD as an excuse or even a reason because it comes off as passing blame. (And most people don't understand.)

Often times I truly can't remember what I did (or why I did it!) My first instinct is to deny and obfuscate. So I shut my mouth and think. Usually after long thought I can piece together the information but sometimes it's too late. It's what has put my current job in jeopardy.

So I'd say there are lots of reasons why we lie. ADHD being just one. My 2 cents...

Eric

Thanks for the replies.
My partner will not only lie but hide the truth so she can do what she wants without reprecusion. I can understand how she may have developed this trait, knowing something of her childhood and the challanges of ADD.

The issue here is one of trust. How is it possible to trust someone who will look you in the eye and lie. When she is caught lying she gets very reactive, instantly angry and tries to thow blame.

"My first instinct is to deny and obfuscate." Yeah, that's what she does too.

I have read several books on ADD. Some describe ADD'ers as appearing narcissisitic and self centered (applies here) with an inability to discern between options. I wonder if this is a possible reason?

If one is medicated does the propensity to lie, obfuscate, throw blame, etc. have a tendancy to lessen?

About ADDers lieing....

I think there is as much chance, of an ADDer telling lies, as there are a Non-ADDer...
People tell lies for different reasons...
But generally, it's all to do with hiding the truth/facts.

I have 3 children diagnosed with ADHD besides myself, but they have Conducts Disorder also ; 2 of those 3 children can't stop themselves from telling lies.. they tell one lie after another... like some sort of sickness in itself.

When i was about 15 years old and at Secondary School, i told a lie to the teacher, for the reason for being off school (I had actually been truanting school)...
But i told my teacher i was off school, to have a minor operation:eyebrow: ...Why on earth i said that i don't know...I wanted some sympathy? Some Attention? ; I was living with an abusive Mother!.. i didn't get any positive attention at home.

The teacher phoned my Mother and Boy i felt :oembarresed , when the truth came out...
I had to go, to the School Head with a Parent on the next morning...Which happened to be, Saint Valentines Day(which has no meaning in this tale of woes at all really lol)...
But from that Day i swore to myself..NEVER to lie again!

I have told white lies, if you want to call them that, but they were to protect peoples feelings.. Sometimes we need to be stretchy with the truth.... what's that word?.....

DIPLOMACY!!!


Karen :)

I've found that only maturity helps with this, from my personal experience. I used to tell stories when I was 18 years old, never before then and not anymore now. I don't know why I did this, but I found that getting caught on my stories helped me not to tell them as much. Another thing-- I didn't get mad when I was caught. So that helped. I never blamed anyone else but me.

Until your girlfriend is ready to admit that she has a problem with lying, she won't be able to do anything about it. If she's getting ****ed off when you catch her ... well, I feel bad for you. My ex-boyfriend did this, and it sucked and he was good at making me feel like the guilty party. But in the long run, he will suffer from his lack of awareness, and not me.

I don't think anything but willingness and an acceptance of personal responsibility helps someone overcome this. Seriously ... ADD or not. Your girlfriend may not have what it takes to get over this now, but that doesn't mean that in the future she won't.

Best of luck.

I think I'd agree with the opinion that ADD'ers probably lie as much as anyone else. The trouble is...we can't keep the lie hidden because we truly forget what it was in the first place and we end up getting caught.

So, where you might see that it seems people without ADD are more honest than those of us with ADD...I don't think that is the case. It's just that people without ADD are much better at keeping their lie's straight and perpetuating the story.

I'd bet the reasons for ADD'ers to lie in certain circumstances are quite different than non-ADD folks. For me, sometimes in order to not look like I don't know something or to keep from looking stupid I'll tell a little white lie...that ends up requiring 19 other lies that aren't so little to corroborate the first lie....and eventually it ends up being utter chaos.

One thing I almost forgot to mention. Based on my experience with TWO wives...the rules about telling the truth appear to be different for women and men. So, don't expect to even find a woman without ADD that will have the same take on lying that you do! :rolleyes:

When i was about 15 years old and at Secondary School, i told a lie to the teacher, for the reason for being off school (I had actually been truanting school)...But i told my teacher i was off school, to have a minor operation:eyebrow: ...Why on earth i said that i don't know...
OMG Karen...I have to laugh!

In Jr. High I once told my History teacher my parents couldn't sign the tardy slip because they were on vacation. I never thought he'd actually call home. Imagine my surprise when my mom asked if she had fun on her vacation...

All because I was scared of what might happen to me if they found out I was tardy to class because I lost track of time...

Eric

I try to be as honest as possible, because I have enough trouble keeping track of the details as it is.

Also, since I tend to blurt things out, I can be too honest. A lot of times my wife will be, you didn't have to say that. They don't need to know. And I'll be like, but it's the truth!

But I do participate in the Big Lie: Everything is OK, I've got it together, nothing to see here folks, move along... :)

Chaotic
I can relate to your partner 100% when it comes to not wanting to face the fact she has ADD/ADHD, it can be heartbreaking to have to deal with the fact you're so "different" from the rest of the so called "normal" society and all the negatives that come with being "different".....I can also relate to no wanting to be labelled...sometimes labels can do more harm than good, I know from personal experience!

Yes it's a little true that ADDer's like to bend the truth but they have their reasons, however I don't think your partner denying the possibility of having ADD/ADHD is any kind of lie....try to think about this from HER point of view.

While I can completely see and feel your partners point of view (I'm a female ADDer) I can also see your point about honesty too.

I hope all goes well for the pair of you in the future

Take Care
Selena:)

One question I have is about ADD and dishonesty. Is it common for those with ADD to lie or hide the truth?[/QUOTE]

Here I go again!

I think ALL people ADD or not tell lies from time to time for whatever reason!

"Some describe ADD'ers as appearing narcissisitic and self centered (applies here) with an inability to discern between options."

I know for me this seems absolutely true, but I don't think it always was. I seem obsessed with myself most of the time, unable to consider the feelings and needs of others, often saying or doing things that are rediculous (I lie a lot, mostly because I don't want to look stupid to others.)

I developed this habit out of fear because I was taught that I should be constantly ashamed and that everything is always my fault, and now, I always magnify and exaggerate even the tiniest mistake until that's all I can think about and my mind goes blank while all I can feel is guilt. A lot of times the lies come about specifically to get me out of this situation.

A propensity to lie need not be associated with any specific condition. People who have a histrionic personality disorder do have a proclivity towards embellishing and lying in order to garner attention.

I personally am honest to a fault about everything many times to my disadvantage.

Like Mike I'm frequently honest to a fault, but for years before I got diagnosed my husband thought I was lying. I would tell him what I thought was the honest truth, but I had missed or forgotten something important. It sounds like your girlfriend may be doing more than this, but don't rule out that as a possibility.

Scattered

that ^ plus an "eager to please" attitude coupled with "if i tell ____ what i am really thinking, s/he won't like me anymore".

at least, that is where my "lying" comes from. i can't answer for anyone else, but it is a theory.


Same as me..