Hi, I'm new here. I'm looking for a place where people will understand me and not judge me.

I want to share some thoughts to see if anyone knows what I mean or can even just offer a cyber-hug (I don't like touching but at least would tell me someone is on my side and 'gets me').

I won't make this too long-winded. I have been through alot of violence between the ages of 10 and 20. Some violence after this time but the majority was when I was a kid. I'm 32 years old now.

I often dream about crocodiles. In my dreams, they represent the darkness that can be found in destructive people's hearts. Does anyone understand that blanket of fear coming over you like if you found yourself face to face with a crocodile? (and you also felt trapped)

Does anyone else find it hard to stop being so aware all the time? Even in your own homes? I find it difficult to stop watching my back. I generally can't put on headphones for example in case I don't hear someone breaking in.

Does anyone find it hard to break away from feelings of hatred and rage? (not directed at anyone in particular... just being aware that you have those feelings in your body)

Thanks for your time. Just wanted to find a place where I was accepted despite what's going on in my head/body.

I know the feelings you describe.
For the longest time I thought always "looking over my shoulder" was from being brought up with Catholic guilt. I've had this feeling most of the past 47 years that I can remember. This year I've been taking Xanax for anxiety and some days I don't look over my shoulder....and no crocodiles eat me on those days.

I also know what you mean about feeling enraged. Until I was in my mid 30's I felt that way VERY often. It was not always for NO reason. I've had to work for some REALLY stupid people and that has always frustrated the heck out of me.
I remember when I was 18 and worked at McDonalds. Everybody hated this one manager. His name was Rich. He was a complete moronic "you know what". Somehow I learned during this time to channel my rage into something productive. I think it was when he asked me to move 20 cases of frozen fries from one end of the freezer to the other. They didn't need to be moved he was just thwarting his power and it ticked me off. So, I moved them. I was in a freezer and picking up the boxes of fries that were heavy. I don't recal how heavy. But I would have one in my arms ready to launch and would imagine his face on the opposite wall of the freezer....and would launch the box at it.
It didn't take long for me to move the stack of boxes and I didn't get cold the whole time I was in there. My coworkers thought I might have frozen to death when I came out since I was in there so long. :D

For a couple of years after that, any time I REALLY wanted to get something done I'd imagine old Rich getting in my face and I'd channel my rage into a Force of one and get it done. Over the years I just learned to channel the energy from feeling enraged into something that worked for me. I've gotten over the rage at Rich and anything else.....

Of course, some of the other guys he ticked off didn't channel their rage too well. I recall Rich coming in one night just SO infuriated. It turns out while we were working someone had keyed the heck out of his new sports car.

It helps to make some goals so you know where to channel your energies....and after a while you'll start dreaming about eating crocodile for dinner.

One way to look at dreams is that every character in them is part of yourself with few exceptions. So along with the advice of channelling your rage, think of the crocodiles as potential friends and allies, they are creatures of nature and need to eat fish or something to survive but they don't need to eat you, I'd say that's a sign of self destructive thoughts and that is understandable.

I've probably got a mild form of PTSD from childhood troubles and I know there are others in here with much more severe experiences. I think you will find some comfort here, welcome.

Thanks to you both for your kind words.

I have flashbacks from time to time mostly when I'm not doing anything for a while but they can happen anytime. Last week I had a flashback whilst talking to someone. This has never happened before. I sometimes wake up yelling and have nail marks in my palms from where I was clenching my fists. I also kick and punch in my sleep. I used to dream that I was being attacked but now I dream that I win my fights. The crocodiles I think are possibly just a way of displaying fear and danger. It's weird though cos I occasionally play a computer game where you can make pets and pick any animal you want (and there are hundreds of choices)... and the first pet I made was a croc.:confused:

Part of my worry about myself is my addiction to anger and rage. I train in muay thai boxing and I find that I need my fix of sparring in the ring at least once a week to lessen how irritable/angry I can get. I like hitting and getting hit because it helps generate my controlled-aggression. I think about how in an unprovoked attack NOBODY has the right to touch me and coupled with the feeling of being hit - it builds my rage. Then I release it as I box. If I don't get my fix of sparring then I want to go and live in a cave cos I feel so wired.

I think the key thing for me is... I'm worried that if I deal with what's going on in me, I'll lose my animal edge. My animal edge empowers me to out-do anyone that wants to be aggressive towards me (I will not be a victim again). A guy in my gym last week said "wow you really hit harder when you are being hit". That made me think about what was going on in me. I feel that the animal in me is really useful in a violent confrontation. I recognise how ugly violence and aggression is but I don't live in a world where I can afford to be a placid person (or at least my past tells me that).

I do miss love though. I just prefer hatred and anger right now. I don't think both can co-exist in my life. I hope you guys can continue to read what I've said and not be judgemental. Nobody else in my life would talk to me about this sort of stuff. Thank you.

Well it looks like you have indeed learned to channel the anger in a good way. Hatred isn't healthy though, if there isn't anyone evil picking on you now, it has to be let go, or else go out & save somebody else from bad things, then it's love.

Again looking at the dream characters as *all* being part of yourself, including the attacker... You don't want to be the victim but you don't want to destroy the characters in the dream either because they may be parts of yourself so perhaps imagine getting along with them, now that you know you can defend yourself you can be in control and steer the confrontation in a positive direction.

Heh, my approach was always to be passive, I wish I could channel my anger like you describe. It was always my nature, then it became my defense and exaggerated even more.

Just some thoughts, hope I don't sound preachy.

That's really great Paul. I'm an open minded person so I'll re-read your post and keep thinking about what you've said. Thanks for your comments mate. I appreciate it.

Thank you so much, oh elusive one..Man, do i ever relate to you...The anger, the hate,
it is always underlying it is "just there"...
There are really good meds and therapies Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is what I am about to take and I also take Paxil..
It has really helped me. As for people judging you? Hek let them!, just don't judge "youself"..The irony is, you are reacting normally to your experiences..it is not you...those are "symptoms" and people who have not been there,
"just do not get it"...I get so mad sometimes, at this fact and shut down
emotionally..sound familiar? Thanks again, you see you are not ALONE!!! Get some help do not wait like I did..this can mess your life up..Ps. I sure like the statement regarding love..LOL..yup, I know that all to well..it feels like an addiction to anger but, it is symptoms of PTSD...Good luck to you and thank you again! I am new as well...

Hi,

It's great that you guys are talking about this. It's a movement towards the remedy.

Picture a boiler with a lot of pressure in it. The only way to relieve the pressure is to release it. Safely, of course. Ideally, with a competent therapist who is not frightened of emotions. Someone you trust.

Repressed emotions are there because when they were originally experienced, they were not allowed or not able to be expressed. Felt, but not expressed. Held in. Think about how many times that's happened since we've been born. Especially when we were young and vulnerable. Most people are little pressure cookers walking around. Real good at putting a smiley face on it. Some people have it stuffed in there so tightly, they are literally, hard as a rock. To be in a chronic condition of "holding in" affects your ability reach out and make contact with the world, especially in love.

In my experience with therapy, rage was the first to come out. All it took was an atmosphere of trust, and slowly letting go, surrendering. It was right there just waiting to spring out. It was unbelievable the amount of rage that was released. The method was ussually, on my knees and hitting a mat with the side of my fists. The relief I felt was incredible. I started feeling lighter, looser, more alive.

The rage slowly subsided, and sorrow was right behind it. A lot of sorrow. Eventually, it stopped.

Anxiety was in and out of the process, throughout.

The benefits from all of this has been enormous. It has affected my life in every conceivable way. It was, no doubt, the smartest thing I've ever done.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. The idea is to let the anger out, slowly, safely. Express it and get rid of it. Once it's gone, it won't trouble you.

The only other option is to find a way to try and keep it quiet and under wraps, and there are plenty of ideas for that. You could always try counting to ten, but don't forget to hold your breath.

Good luck.

Hitting a punching bag or a mattress could help some.

Thanks Stevo and Serotonin for your replies. I check back here once in a while for new posts. The biggest thing I need right now which I am getting from you guys is people that understand. It means alot to me. I'm sick of dealing with this alone. I mean you you can't even open your mouth to explain anything to most people and yet I'm walking around with this volcano of emotions inside and if someone says 'whats up?' I think... how can I begin? Today I realised that my feelings have me backed into a corner. It feels familiar and addictive. Familiar ground is easier to cope with than unfamiliar (unfamiliar = therapy). I know you're right and I don't want this to hold me back anymore in life than it has. I might have some money soon so I can pay for therapy hopefully. Talking about how I feel on here really helps.

I hope you guys don't mind me doing this but I've been hooked on some lyrics recently that have spoken to me and how I feel. I'm going to copy them in here. I also find the singers voice comforting too.

'Security' by Joss Stone.

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled

Chorus:
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told

Chorus

On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

I know the feeling...I also, come from an abusive background....I held alot of anger inside of me for years....Mostly towards my fiance's mother....A few years ago she sent an Easter card to us and incuded my name in it.....I don't know why but I cried and all the anger left my body....The anger I felt towards other people disappeared also.....For the life of me I can't understand it, but it has made me a better person.

Deb

something awful has happened to me recentaly and i know exactly what you are going through honey. But, i have decided to go see someone for it. I suggest maybe that you also go see a counsoler for this kind of thing. They may be able to help you. I know when i talk to them i feel better