I want to know how do you manage to raise your children. Because of my ADD, I fear of having children. How can I take care of someone else if and I can't take care of myself? I'm sure that you love your children but is there times when you would prefer to "don't have them"?

JackintheBox,

There are moments when most parents feel life would be a lot easier without their kids -- ADD parents are certainly no exception. Most parents also wouldn't trade their kids for anything in the world -- ADD parents aren't an exception here either!:) It definatley puts more of a strain on organizational abilities, emotional regulation and so on, but it can also motivate you to be your best you!

Learning to take care of yourself ideally comes first, but that doesn't mean perfection. No parents gets to have that. It does mean that you are ready and able to provide the physical and emotional support a child needs. I like the comments in You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy about the decision to become a parent. It's not a decision that should be entered into lightly for anyone, but for many it is also very rewarding.

Scattered

We had my son before I knew about ADD. This will differ for everyone, but I really wanted kids and was/am very happy to have one. I didn't know much about being a father, but was confident that I could wing it.

After finding out about my and my son's probable ADD, I got a bit of a guilt trip for passing on my faulty genes (<insert tongue="" in="" cheek="" smiley="" here="">insert tongue-in-cheek smiley here), but I got over it. :)

For me, it has helped a lot having a resonsible adult in the house (my wife), but the basics of parenting are easy even for a goofball like me: Just be there. Care. The rest follows.</insert>

I grew up in a country where they don't talk about ADD they just call those kids simply hyper and that's it. But the whole system is build to make life for us easier. Classes were 45 minutes intead of 1 hour and 20 minutes. Exams were 5 questions only. Kids were always same around you so I got used to them and didn't have my low self esteem issues. It all worked great BUT my mom did the best job she could. Not knowing anything about ADD I give her three thumbs up for dealing with me. We always had rules in our household and no one was allowed to break them. I always had a lot of energy so i did SO many sports growing up. My mom took time off work sometimes to go and watch me do sports. And that of course helped me at school. And when now I ask her how she knew how to deal with me then she was saying that she was just using common sense and was following her instinct. I know it's going to be a challenge to have kids but i can't wait. I am sure it's going to be lots of tears but also laughter in my house :)

I find that my children serve two purposes for me.

One of them is that on those really bad days when I wonder what the point of breathing is....I think of them and there is NO question.

The second one is that I can take ALL of the skills and experience that I have amassed as an undiagnosed ADDer combined with those I've grown or mastered since being dx'd and pass along that wisdom to them. They provide me with a reason to be more than I am. To set myself as a role model.
Am I perfect? No! And that isn't possible. And that is also part of parenting.
To teach them that life is sometimes hard or stressful and you work through it and you express what you feel and you find ways to make things work and no matter how much of a challenge is presented you will always find a resolution and the strength and courage to move past it.

It's even ok to let them know that you're afraid you're going to screw up and screw them up. That's life. Everything you try to hide or try to make look like it's not as it seems will be figured out by them anyway. So, you gotta be honest and open.

So, don't fear being a parent. The fact that you asked the question means that you have a lot more on the ball than probably half of the parents out there that are pumping out babies and never wonder if there is a better way to parent.

Before I knew about my ADD, I did not want to have children. Now that I know about it, I still don't want to! - It is the greatest responsibilty one would ever have (I'm too selfish or perhaps, responsible, to want children, regardless of ADD status).

Having kids was the most difficult, educational, rewarding, creative thing I've done in my life; they are my best work.

I was always adamant that I was not going to have children. Before we got married I made this clear to my husband...I did not want to pass on the abuse that I suffered both from family and from the outside world, and since I was so "out of control" I couldn't see myself managing at all! I always said, "what if I have a child just like me"????

Well, the fates had something else in mind. We moved to Germany and things were all a bit "confused" and next thing you know I was pregnant in a country where I didn't know the laws, couldn't speak the language, and had absolutely no "rhythm" established to my life.

What I can say is that my husband and I spent HOURS talking about it. I was totally honest with him about my fears and my need to know that he would be there as more than just an observer. I told him how little I trusted myself to cope in a situation where my only knowledge was abuse. After all of these discussions and his reassurances that he would be there to support me no matter what, we agreed that we wanted to have this child.

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW....my firstborn is just like me!!!!!

and I wouldn't trade him for the world!!!!

It has been hard, but there is no one better to raise him than myself and my husband. I didn't have any problems dealing with "abusiveness" because I had a lot of support both professionally and from family (husbands). We actually have fought to keep him when the professionals recommended removing him from our home!!

What I would say for anyone considering this situation is this...take a really, really close look at your life, your partner, outside support systems, etc. It is NOT an easy decision and it is NOT an easy job. This may sound harsh, but love is sometimes not enough, when exhaustion, loneliness, pain, frustration, anger have dominated for weeks on end.

Just be sure you are being honest with yourselves. As I said, not only do I not regret having my son...I went and had another!!! I love my 3 guys (hubby, two boys) beyond anything I ever expected. It has strengthened me and taught me more about myself than I ever would have known.

Okay, so there's the two sides of the coin as I see it. Thanks for letting me share.

Kim

They wear me down a lot, but I cannot imagine my life if my children were not here. Whenever I get frustrated, all I need to do is glance in their direction, and everything seems better. :)

My grandmother has actually said to me that I should not have had children!!!! I agree to some point but then you have to ask these questions,"Is anybody a perfect parent?Just because I have ADD does that mean that I wont fulfill the needs that they will have growing up?Can I not properly parent and guide them?Show them self control,or follow thru?You know what?I have been less than perfect,but I know that they have helped me grow inside and out.I know what I can offer them which is love,and most of all sensitivity to others and themselves.I dont think that they would be any better off with anyone else.Everything happens for a reason and we have to make sure to instill in them what we may not have.

Reasons why having ADD and me having a two year old is GREAT!!

I don't get tired of playing barbies
I love to watch the pooh bear movie with her
Disney princess are my favorite too!!!!
Reading kid books are 100% easier and there are some cool pictures
Going to the park and not feeling stupid for going down the slides, the swings..etc.. cause hey i have to help my kid :D
Being able to have my imagination back again...I love the way we can look at the sky and count 1..2..4...6..8...18...20....3....10....9...stars in the sky (all in that order to) or how we can take a walk and point to things and make stuff up....
Realizing my child loves me no matter my add etc...but just cause i'm her mummy
When she wraps her chubby arms around my neck and holds on tight then whispers "Love you mama...your so cute" thats SO wonderful...
The way I know she'll be just like me....she's silly
Watching her sleep at night with all her lovies and realizing all over again that I made her and that she's my princess
Laughing with her...she has a loud laugh...
Dancing to the Lion King song "I'm gonna be a mighty king"
When I'm low realizing she's trying to make me smile by acting like a puppy or asking "what wrong mummy?" "Don't worry it will be Okay." (yeah she really does say these things...she says them perfectly to....(bragging) )


Reasons why I get freaked out being a parent:

I in all honesty forget to give her a bath for like three days. Thankfully she never smells but still...I'll realize it at church or the way to daycare that she has sand in her hair or her legs have dirt spots or her feet are dirty.....

I HATE cooking and I don't like to make anyone food....so we eat snack foods for the weekend....healthy for the most part...olives cheese...toast....crackers...then there are the princess fruit snacks...those are her favorite.....

I get annoyed to fast I sometimes forget she's just like me or has something else and needs someone to just be slow with her and also that she's a toddler and is learning something new everyday.....

And in all honestly sometimes I just don't want to be around my child....I try to pawn her off to my sister and her hubby for the night (which works about once a week or once every two weeks) and she has a really nice older lady that she stays the night at every Sat. night....

I need my space..and yeah ..me working from 8-5 mon-fri i've heard from a ton of people thats enough time to be away from your kid....but for me...it's not...does that make me a bad mummy...well some people tend to tell me so/think so....me I know I'm a good mummy cause i know when i need my space...and when i know I can't handle people at all....to me it's keeping my favorite person in the world happy knowing her mummy loves her enough to make sure she doesn't get the brunt of when i'm just in a bad mood.....

don't know if all that made sense but she's only 2 so what do you expect. :) I haven't been a mummy long enough!!