I have (had) 10 months sober, and I am drinking again. There are several 'reasons'...but of course, none is good enough to justify this.

I am in AA and was recently diagnosed with ADD. I really have immersed myself in the program...doing treatment meetings, prayer and meditation, Big Book studies...service work. Have a sponsor (and my sponsor has a sponsor). I have been trying to completely follow their path.

But the reaction I've gotten there about the ADD and medication has made me feel so alone again. The process of adjusting to medication...Strattera made me depressed, Ritalin LA with it's ups and downs.... It seems that too many of my new friends think that if I was relying on my higher power, none of this would bother me. And too many also believe that by medicating, my sobriety date is in question.

This is no excuse for drinking, I know. But I really don't feel like standing up in a meeting, telling them I need a 24 hour coin, and having them judge me...like they have judged me on the ADD. I thought it was all about honesty...and by being honest about the ADD and medication, I got judged and found inadequate.

I HATE that I can't control my own mind, that I forget important things. It's like I have gotten the concepts in AA...but I can't for the life of me remember all the stock phrases, quote from the Big Book, or carry the message the way the old timers can. I just tell my story. I share my 'experience, strength and hope'. As hard as I've worked, it's not good enough.

To top it all off....I've spent a lot of time with a guy in the program who is known for his spirituality. I thought he was a friend...a good friend. He took me under his wing, and taught me. I went with him to lots of meetings...and I drove because he lost his license. Now, after the ADD disclosure, he hardly talks to me...walks away when he can. What the hell is that about?

I'm rambling, I know. I don't want to go back to where I was, drinking every night to forget about how inadequate I am.

Can somebody tell me what to do? It would help if you are in AA and know something about 'how it works', and the dynamics of the program.

Thanks.

You do you have an addiction right? It's a brain chemistry thing, not a you thing. This isn't something that you can expect to have complete control over. There is no cure, just coping. You do the best you can and lean on others when you need to . The people at your AA meetings should know this. If they don't know this and somehow expected to you to be perfect; then they are not perfect themselves by a longshot and you seriously need to find another regular AA meeting group.

It's not their place to judge you. If the shoe was on the other foot, they themselves wouldn't want to be judged. Judgmental people are not healthy to be around no matter what your personal situation is.

As for your guy friend, ADD has gotten a lot of negative publicity in the mainstream media. Just because you explained that you have ADD to him doesn't mean he's able to block out those memories of hearing how horrible anyone with ADD must be based on the news stories . Remember, we are all potentially violent hyperactive potential criminals with very short attention spans ;-) If you explained to him what the ADD diagnosis means specifically in your case, and he still decided that he didn't want to spend time with you anymore, it may just be the stigma of any medical disorder that freaks him out and not this particular one that he's reacting to. My friend Sheila has had diabetes since she was 5 and has actually been dumped more than once by boyfriends because they found out. I've heard other friends tell similar stories concerning various medical conditions .

Some people are just biased against anyone else who seems "defective" in some way or another. There's nothing you can do to correct these people's views unfortunately. You just need to walk away from them and surround yourself with less shortsighted people.

There is another option, if it gets to point where the group is in helping anymore because you're too embarrassed to be there. There is a drug you can take that will make you severely ill when you drink. Cognitive therapists believe that if you get sick enough times from drinking while on this drug, you won't want to anymore. Not sure the name, but I could probably find out for you. Still, definitely a last resort kind of thing since adding more drugs your body is never really good thing you can avoid it.

Thanks Minx. I have tried antabuse (that's the drug you spoke of). But it is not a sufficient deterent. It might stop the drinking for a bit, but it does not help one find a better way of dealing with life. AA does that.

I do agree that maybe I need to find another group to affiliate with. To be honest, I think I got too attached to this one guy. And he is very much a guy not to get attached to. I knew it, and I did it anyway.

I'm still open to your other suggestions. Thanx.

I wrote you this really long heart felt message and some how lost it so I am going to take that as a sign that maybe it was too long lol.

My sponser told me once after several anxiety attacks going untreated, to stop being a marter. She told me that taking what is neccessarry to maintain quality of life is not a relapse. If I was to lie about it to the dr. or abuse my meds,,,, then it is a relapse. I decided to discuss this in a room and sure I got crap from those who were against it but then I asked them if they had to have surgery,,, would they prefer to be wide awake and feeling the knife cutting them open or would it be relapsing to have the dr. put them under? Of course there answer was that it isn't the same. But it is!!! If I had epilepsy or cancer or MS or parkinsons or serable palsy or what ever,,, they wouldn't think twice about me taking meds prescribed by my Doctor so what makes ADD, anxiety, bi-polor, depression, or anything else any differant?

Besides,,, they are not there to diagnose or treat you,,, they are there to support you in your recovery!!! They are not Doctors.

She also once told me that we all have a disease and we are all sick,,,, just at differant levels of sick,,,,, remember that no matter how long someone has under there belt,,, we all have character defaults and sometimes it is easier to judge others so we do not have to judge ourselves. But my thing is,,, to hell with those who wish to judge because I am doing the next right thing for me and that is all that matters.

Picking up your 24 hour is not about who is judging you,,,,, it is about surrender. It is always hard to walk up there and admit what we have done but you can't save your a $$ and your face at the same time my friend. Be proud that you came back and your still alive and willing to try again. Anyone who see's it differently needs to do their own inventory. I wish I could give you a huge bear hugg right now but this is the best I can do ((((((((((((you))))))))))))).

I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.

Brandie

Hi
Sorry to hear that you are drinking. I don't know how long you've been back at it, but you might want to consider getting off that train ASAP. Once that train pulls out of the station and starts to pick up some speed, only a train wreck seems to bring it to a stop. But then again, if it's horrible enough, it ussually ensures long term sobriety.

I think that the key to sobriety is to remember one thing. The one thing that you forgot.

When I used AA, the benefit for me was that it helped me to keep a commitment that I made to myself in the forefront of my brain. It was like a mantra that gave me just enough of what I needed. Will. I know they say it's all about your higher power, but I didn't much go for all of that. A little too churchy for me.

I think that AA is a wonderful organization, though I didn't get too deeply involved. I had a therapist and my own spiritual pursuits. I was there for one reason.......to remember my aim. If I went to a "don't lose your keys" meeting every day, I'd probably be able to keep track of those damn things too.

As far as the anti-ADD meds, fundamentalist faction of AA, gently remind them that there is only one requirement for membership. a desire to quit drinking. You might also mention that one of the founders of AA, Dr. Bob, felt that there was great potential in a medication treatment for alcoholism. He was an advocate for the experimental study of an exciting new drug that was creating quite a buzz in the medical community. The drug was LSD. He felt that the spiritual effects could have a powerful effect, comparable to his own spiritual awakening that he found to be significant. Makes sense to me.

Also, I take Adderall and Wellbutrin. I'm pretty sure that if I had been diagnosed and put on meds years ago, I never would have had a problem with alcohol. A lot of things would have been different.

Anyway, good luck. Be careful out there.

Looking for a lover in an AA meeting is a bad idea. Join a health club, or hang out at Home Depot.

Joyous-

I know some heavy duty program people, and I will ask them later today what the deal is. I've heard that hard core AAers are militant about the issues around the use of meds for depression, adhd, etc.

In the meantime, is there a meeting anywhere else in your area where you are unknown? If you feel like the group vibe is something that supports you, go right now! Stevo hit it on the head...mission numero uno for you is to not compound your problems by continuing to drink.

As soon as I yak with my contacts, I'll post again.

You can do it-let this be the next day in your one day at a time progress....

I was in AA for 14 years. I was really involved and clean and sober the whole time. I've done a lot of different things in AA and the benefits have profoundly helped me.

ADHD and AA are not contray to each other and neither is medication. Ask if a diabetic would be better off without insulin in the program.

I no longer qualify as a member so as always, take what I say with a grain of salt.

There is as much to learn about people not accepting who I am as there is from the people that accept me. More will be revealed as the Big Book prescribes.

Humility was not something that came easily to me. I hadn't a clue about what treasures were stored within the spiritual principle of anonymity, but I do now and have come to rely on many of them to live fully.

I too tapped into a sponsor with a sponsor and in that way I think you are pretty secure in consulting them about what to do with your tough decision surrounding a 24 hour chip. It's a pretty damn strong victory to think that you might want another kick at the can. I'm feeling that it's a good cause for celebration.

AA is made up of people like you and me. I faced all the people I found it the most difficult to tolerate. Some were intolerant. Some were judgemental. Many were keen critics. These were all elements of my own personality that I had to lean about, embrace and eventually love, in order that I get beyond them and offer my path through that darkness as a light to those that came after me. Those that went before certainly showed enough lights in that same vein for me to follow.

I didn't do much other than follow my sponsor for the first years. I had to learn the basics. Eventually I came to a place where it was no longer about survival, but about living. Then it got even more interesting. :D

I didn't find any short cuts in AA. I found that the very act of getting my butt to a meeting when I was chewing some resentment or anger was enough lesson to carry me through to the next level of understanding. The people there provided me with the lessons. All I had to do was show up to find my deepest learning's laid out in front of me.

I kicked and fought it tooth and nail for a long time, but I knew that I could not go back out and risk living the misery that proceeded my first trip through the doors of AA. I knew clearly that I'd die much more quickly doing that.

It all has so little to do with drinking and so much to do with growing up emotionally. Hang in there. There are promises I'm sure you are familiar with if you've been to the meetings you said you have. Those promises are a fact. If you stick around and look closely you'll see those that are living proof of those promises. Seek them out, they will all have flaws, but they also carry a great deal of strength and fun! Stick with those that represent a lifestyle you'd like. Ask a lot of questions. Get to meetings, regardless of how little you want to be there.

This is not a dress rehearsal.
Cheers! Ian.

When I used AA, the benefit for me was that it helped me to keep a commitment that I made to myself in the forefront of my brain.

Looking for a lover in an AA meeting is a bad idea. Join a health club, or hang out at Home Depot.
Stevo, thanks for the input. I do believe that there is something more required than making a commitment to ones self, but that is surely a great concept. And...I have to object to the suggestion that I was/am looking for a lover in AA. As I indicated, I thought he was a friend, and I find it painful when a friend, someone I care about, but moreso, someone who has been a 'guide' in my sobriety, distances from me without explanation. Part of AA is about learning to have relationships based on honesty. I don't know what happened. It is painful and confusing. But I do understand your warning; it is too easy to turn from alcohol dependence to dependence on a person. Maybe I have done that, but I wasn't looking for a lover, nor did I find one.

Ian....I poured the rest of the bottle and am going to meetings. It was a short term slip, but I don't want to minimize it. I do need to be honest, and I will.

I think that I have allowed the ADD diagnosis and it's implications, the question of medication, the friendship, the job situation....to confuse and overwhelm me. I've got to sort through this and find a better way to deal with it. It's definitely an opportunity for growth.

You're sounding on firm ground again joyous.
Fight! :D

For a long time here, I posted a quote from the little "Daily Reflections" book that AA publishes. I still find it a comfortable touch stone with what's important through that book.

I found this page (http://www.ipass.net/a1idpirat/trecoverylinks.html) had a boat load of links to daily readings of all kinds. The contact with that attitude first thing in the morning was always a good way for me to start the day.

Her own page for daily readings (http://www.ipass.net/a1idpirat/readings.html) was pretty good I thought.
Cheers! Ian.

Joyous56 says:
I have to object to the suggestion that I was/am looking for a lover in AA. As I indicated, I thought he was a friend, and I find it painful when a friend, someone I care about, but moreso, someone who has been a 'guide' in my sobriety, distances from me without explanation.

Sorry that I misread your original posts and saw something that wasn't there. My apologies.

Thanks to both of you. I am doing better...much better. I do need to take more time to meditate each day. It has helped me in the past....but I'm finding that feeling of being overwhelmend harder and harder to meditate through lately. To much info, too much to do, too many emotions and things to sort out. I can let it go for a bit, but when I come back, it's still there.

Drinking doesn't help; the attraction has been that if I drown, I might not feel it. I'm at work right now, and the feeling of drowning is strong. Arghh.

And sorry if I sounded defensive Stevo. Thanks for understanding.

Letting go of anything has been a life long struggle for me. But I started small and worked up so that my familiarity with the routines finally became habit. This is also the point where I began to cultivate a very real living faith.

I identified the smallest thing I could successfully let go of right down into my heart and let it go. As I began to gain some confidence in letting go of ideas, burdens, worries and whatever else, I noticed that life was responding differently to me. Real change had started to creep into my life.

I had to step away from the things I didn't have control over and move on to attend to some of the more important things that I actually had some control over.

As a consequence, the need to have the cutlery in particular drawers faded and my haphazard family were left to put the knives in whatever drawer they cared to. I let it go all the way, right down into my heart. It started out with little things that bugged me. I'd chew on some pet peeve for days, mostly in those days it was about how the house was kept.

My wife and now our youngest daughter is what is now affectionately know to us as the "drop and go" types. There are several books on the clothes line as we speak, drying out from being left out in the rain. It's quite remarkable just how much of that type of thing added to my anxiety.

Letting go is everything. It leaves room for other things to enter my life. When done cleanly, the process of letting go of something I'm hanging onto is just the action required to find a better way. I've got many examples, but the guiding light for me is a phrase I love from my days in AA that says, "If there is something bothering me, there is something wrong with me."

I still get overwhelmed and need to be reminded of the merits of letting go. It is however a practise that I've gotten better at over the years. It's made a better horse and dog trainer out of me and a much superior parent to my children. Being prone to the egocentric side of life, learning better to listen has been nothing but a help.

The feelings of being overwhelmed have diminished in direct proportion to my ability to let go. Hang in there. It gets better the longer you practise this program.
Cheers! Ian.

Cheers! Ian.

Joyous thank you for having the courage to post about the drinking. I also am in the program. The alcohol is only a symtom of the disease. I have inattentive ADD (self diagnosed) and have been struggling to find a medium between the two. I have also been looking for people with the duel diagnois. The fact is, I think that I have had ADD all my life and have slipped through the cracks. It has been said in the program that we have has problems before the alcohol. The problem with self-esteem and our minds going a hundred miles an hour etc. It is like when we first get sober, we try to find answers about the way we feel. No one knows how we feel unless you have been there. The same goes for people that have both diagnosis. I hope that you are not offended by this post, it is meant to help. The [U]WE part of the program can be spread in other areas of our lives, like this forum. Again thank you for the courage