Question - has anyone with ADD not had an abusive childhood in some form?

I was not physically abused as a child. I got the basic why can't you do better, you are not living up to you potential type of things. Those things really did hurt my self esteem but I don't consider them to be verbal abuse. I think my parents did the best they could with me. That doesn't mean that those things didn't hurt me though.

Not physically or sexually abused.

My dad was an alcoholic, mother extremely codependent, they divorced when I was very young and both remarried people who also had issues...

A lawyer could argue emotional neglect, but I don't believe they have neglected me personally.

I get along with them all famously now. But my father and stepmother don't believe I have ADD.

I was not physically abused in any way, but psychologically I have been scarred.

I was apparently diagnosed in Kindergarten as having MBD, the precursor to ADD/ADHD. Their choice was to either try me on a "new" medication (Ritalin) or keep me back a year. Not only did they choose the latter, but they conveniently "forgot" my diagnosis, and I suffered through an entire childhood of people telling me that my educational failures were all my fault, and that it was my decision to not apply myself, or focus in class.

Not until I graduated college did I figure out on my own what I had, and got it officially diagnosed (again).

I have so much anger and resentment towards my parents, it has forever changed my relationship with them, the rest of my family, and my approach to daily life.

One thing I think needs to be made clear. Adders are more sensitive to what others think. We just do. I had both all kinds of abuse but the scarring ones had to be the mental, which I mentioned some in the other post. If I wasn't so sensitive, would I have been scarred? I know others who grew up like I did, non-add types, and are fine. Just a thought.

I think that ADDers do have a different type of sensitivity than non-ADD people.

Like I said before I don't think my parents were verbally abusive but I almost always got the message that I wasn't good enough and that I had to change.

My parents did try many different things with me to get me to do better in school, clean my room , lose weight, etc.

I know intellectually and rationally that most of what they did was because they loved me. I also know that it must have been very frustrating for them and that they didn't understand why I couldn't do things that others did. I'm sure it appeared to them that I just didn't care or that I didn't want to do things. But I do know emotionally it was hard and as an adult I am still try to deal with those issues.

I do think that I am more senistive than a typical person or that I process my emotions differently. That's how my brain is wired.

That is really frustrating for me too because I come from a pretty functional family. My parents have been married for 30 years. I really didn't have any events in my life as a child that would be considered traumatic my the average person. But little things like being the only girl in my class who didn't get invited to a birthday party did traumatize me.

There have been times that I look back at my life almost feel guilty. I know many people who have gone through so many awful things as both children and adults. Then I have looked at my life and thought gee I have had things pretty good. I have felt at times that I almost shouldn't be entitled to feel bad about things because my life wasn't as tough as others.

I have begun to realize that I am entitled to feel my own feelings. Just because something may not appear to be as bad as what somebody as has gone though it is something that has affected me and I should allow myself to feel the feelings.

[i]I have begun to realize that I am entitled to feel my own feelings. Just because something may not appear to be as bad as what somebody as has gone though it is something that has affected me and I should allow myself to feel the feelings.
[/B]

Well said Tara

I did ok in school without to much effort so being that I was doing ok nobody gave me a second thought.

I never saw my parents speak civally to each other even though they lived in the same house up to when I was 15 before they went there own ways.

I was on my own as long as I can remeber as for making my own meals and washing clothes ect.
If I didn't do it it wouldn't get done

In writting that last statement it just dawned on me that that may be part of the reason I am as aggresive as I am to getting things done.

Nothing ticks me off more than when someone is supposed to do something and doesnt do it and then makes up excuses for why it didn't get done. If they tell the truth and say I forgot or I didn't want to do it I am still ticked but I accept there truthfullnes much easier than an excuse.

so I find it easier to do everything myself and then I wont be let down by someone else.

Now that I have just run off topic where was I before that tangent.

_______________________________________________

It took me a long time to look at things from the other end of the scale Tara

I have begun to realize that I am entitled to feel my own feelings.
_______________________________________________
I have also learned that I can not change or control what someone else thinks or does !!!!!!

I can only change or control how I react to a situation !!!!!!


_______________________________________________


Once I learned in a group theropy sesion this and fully understood the concept of what this other member was saying to me it was like a light had gone on.

Basically overnight my thinking habits changed drasticlly

I was very happy to have crossed that bridge as it has helped me to control my anger and aggression by learning to smile and walk away from a situation.

I was the easy scapegoat in my family. Whenever someone wanted to unleash some frustration, my butt was there for the kicking. I used to get bullied at school and my parents used to fight over me as a teenager and try and turn me against eachother.

I don't see my Mum anymore coz she married a paedophile (after exposing my kids to him and not planning to tell me). I contact my Dad via phone and e-mail.

Basically, as an adult if someone treats me badly (family or not) I don't stick around to put up with it. When they decide that they want to treat me like a fellow human being, they can come back into my life.

I was never abused in any way that I know of. My parents were always supportive of me. They were disappointed at times, but that isn't abuse.

Same here. My parents were disappointed and frustrated with me a great deal, which I don't think helped much with the things they were bothered about, and left me lacking in confidence in some areas; they would shout at me about these things, but I wouldn't call that abuse.

Originally posted by tudorose
Basically, as an adult if someone treats me badly (family or not) I don't stick around to put up with it. When they decide that they want to treat me like a fellow human being, they can come back into my life.

YOU GO GIRL!

Originally posted by livingwithadd
I think that ADDers do have a different type of sensitivity than non-ADD people.

Like I said before I don't think my parents were verbally abusive but I almost always got the message that I wasn't good enough and that I had to change.

My parents did try many different things with me to get me to do better in school, clean my room , lose weight, etc.

I know intellectually and rationally that most of what they did was because they loved me. I also know that it must have been very frustrating for them and that they didn't understand why I couldn't do things that others did. I'm sure it appeared to them that I just didn't care or that I didn't want to do things. But I do know emotionally it was hard and as an adult I am still try to deal with those issues.

I do think that I am more senistive than a typical person or that I process my emotions differently. That's how my brain is wired.

That is really frustrating for me too because I come from a pretty functional family. My parents have been married for 30 years. I really didn't have any events in my life as a child that would be considered traumatic my the average person. But little things like being the only girl in my class who didn't get invited to a birthday party did traumatize me.

There have been times that I look back at my life almost feel guilty. I know many people who have gone through so many awful things as both children and adults. Then I have looked at my life and thought gee I have had things pretty good. I have felt at times that I almost shouldn't be entitled to feel bad about things because my life wasn't as tough as others.

I have begun to realize that I am entitled to feel my own feelings. Just because something may not appear to be as bad as what somebody as has gone though it is something that has affected me and I should allow myself to feel the feelings.

Tara~

Just wanted to say that I really appreciate these words you've shared. You've said so much both on and "between" the lines. I had a different abuse situation, but I relate to just about every statement you made. A beautiful post.... :)

I think a lot of people with ADD had to go through hearing nasty comments related to their ADD. "You're stupid" "Why can't you do better" "You could do it if you tried harder" etc etc but thats not really abuse (well it could be if it was really bad.....) Lots of ADD kids are more sensitive to what's said to them so just little comments that would not negatively effect a "normal" person might be mentally damaging to someone with ADD.

There are some children though, who develope ADD symptoms soley because of abuse or neglect. They might not have "true ADD" but the symptoms are the same, they just have a different cause.

For someone to have a disorder lots of things influence it. Environment, Biology, Family, Society etc etc Someone may have the ADD biology but never have the symptoms because they were in an environment that was healthy for them. If it was purely biological then if one identical twin had ADHD so would the other. But really about 50% of identical twins share mental disorders/differences including ADHD.

I think for some people abuse is definantly a factor in their ADD/ADHD. But then for some it's not. It's kinda like the other theories of what causes it. Some people think its all genetic, but then theres those who don't have any other family members with it. Some people used to think it was caused by childhood vaccines.... which could certainly cause ADD like symptoms in children who were allergic or sensitive to the chemicals in the vaccines but we know its not the actual cause of ADD.

I've realized I like typing posts more than I like reading them lol. My post is way too long.... if I was reading posts hmmmm I might read about half of this one before I quit. Ah well lol

The abuse topic is a good one. Thanks for bringing it up (yes the pun is intended).

Now I would call it ignorance instead of abuse, because I have come to realize those who abuse(d) me are ignorant of their own abusive and unresolved issues. Unfortunatley, the way psychologically people function, you can't just tell people flat out this is what I see wrong with you, as that just does not work, and some people take a long time, if not forever, to see the light...and that is sad and difficult too.

I grew up in a house of much of what is referred to as "Verbal, physical and emotional abuse" It all goes together.

Today, I still have issues with abusive social styles of family members, and therefore have very little relationships with a couple folks in my family. This is difficult and painful at times, because I dream of having reasonable relations....ahh but the dream....its the hook...the dream....so I try to put these dreams to sleep peacefully, and accept that some dreams either take lots of time or are not going to happen. I no longer preoccupy my time and my energy and my life focus on getting the attention I want from them anymore....too much bait for them....to much game playing possible...when they know I want normal affection.

I get what I need from others in life, healthier people who I CHOOSE to be around and make a part of my life. This does not erase the sadness of not getting what I want from my own family, but it helps me now focus on it, and helps me be greatful for what I do have.

I have alot on this topic, so I'm going to cut it here, and post seperately, so I don't write a mile long post.

Jonathan

LiLMissADDitude:

I had to laugh when I read your post :D - yeah, I find that I like typing the posts more than I do reading them . . . But it is a good way for me to get in touch with how I am feeling. I tend to turn inward, and then I end up not understanding why I am feeling a certain way.

But I did read your entire post - I swear!

I try to break my posts up a little when they get long, so that they're easier for other people to read. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads them at all - and that's okay, I totally understand! :D

Back on the subject - Abusive childhood???

I would not classify my childhood as abusive. Although I did have some bad experiences that changed me forever.

-My dad loosing his job on more than one occasion – and never having any money
-Moving from Indiana to Colorado to Wisconsin- all 2 ½ year period
-Being sexually assaulted at 11 years old (fortunately, it only happened once)
- Being teased/harassed/an outcast at school

My parents were great though, they have been married for 35 years. They are the one constant I’ve always had in my life. There was never any doubt in my mind that they loved me.

The one thing I know for sure about my childhood is that I am glad it’s over – I wouldn’t want to live it over again.

Big

I have felt the resentment as well, and I have been angered that a family of high education, and significant resources, could not look harder at the issue of why I started doing poorly in school. My father was too concerned about what people thought, already having a first son with significant emotional problems, hospitalized, so I think by the time my problem of learning came along it was easier to brush it under the rug and yell at me.....than it was to face it and aggressively pursue answers.

On the other hand, I realize that back then, there was not much information to work with anyways. Had they identified me with ADD, they would have labeled me MBD, minimal brain dysfunction, maybe. I don't know how that LABEL would have helped me. By the way, my understanding is that MBD is just ADD under the old label. As you know, labels for conditions change over time, as one label becomes perceived as derogatory or negative and a new label begins being used. In a way, ADD is a big label too... for a complex list of symptoms that can arise from a number of sources. Even if the source is reduced neural activity in the frontal cortex, that could be the result of a host of possible causes, so ADD is really a symptom or many symptoms, and the causes are miltiple enough that it seems no two cases are exactly alike.

Anyways, I share the pain of not being diagnosed until I was an adult. I also was not diagnosed for the sleep disorder until I was an adult.

On the bright side, sometimes pain is not for naught. I was able, due to my experience, to save my daughter this pain, by having her sleep apnea diagnosed at age 7, and surgery at age 7, which is very simple surgery, and having her ADD diagnosed in the same year. She has benefited from my more difficult non-diagnosed condition, because I know the price of not paying attention to a child's medical condition.

Well, hopefully you have a similar light you can allow to shine for the painful experience of not being treated properly as a child, something from that which helps you raise children or helps you help people in general. If that is the case, and you have this gift for the rest of your life, it is a gift, and the past is gone, so accept the gift it gave you.

Thats just a thought, taken or paraphrased from my teacher, about turning the negative past into positive gifts and virtues we actually obtained and keep.

Jonathan

I think thaat the sheer existance o fbeing fundamentally misunderstood, and having the incorrect expectations of them forced on us constitutes a kind of reality abuse.

Lynn Weiss wrote a book but I can't remember what it's called, and it had a section on how an ADHD person can experience abuse even though people don't necessarily intend to hurt them.

ADHD can cause abuse.. or at least it can cause a person to be more sensitive so that they percieve things as abuse that an average person wouldnt call abuse

Abuse & Neglect can cause ADHD...or at least it can cause ADHD symptoms.. and the kids usually end up getting diagnosed as ADHD

Abuse and neglect does not Cause ADHD - hereditary brain dyfunction causes ADHD. Abuse and neglect makes does ADHD behaviours worse. Being abused and/or neglected was not the cause of my brain dysfunction. Unfortunately it is theories like these that see that ADHD children go undiagnosed and untreated in favor of blaming the parents for something which they can not control.

Originally posted by LiLMissADDitude
I think a lot of people with ADD had to go through hearing nasty comments related to their ADD. "You're stupid" "Why can't you do better" "You could do it if you tried harder" etc etc but thats not really abuse

I will dis agree with this sentiment.

Because people said "David, Look at this. YOU CAN DO BETTER. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS?... I don't understand why you didn't do this? What were you thinking? Now just do this!"

They Identified correctly what was not happening. They even said they didn't understand. But they got frustrated with themselves and with me. What did they THINK?

That I wasn't confused and frustrated TOO?

They were the "responsible adults." They were supposed to be able to deal with reality. I was the kid. I wasn't supposed to have all the answers.

This is extreem mental cruelty if you ask me. Some people might be hardened to it as adults, but I think that in the scheme of things abuse consists of being forced and being demeaned, and being manipulated into trying, inappropriately to take responsibility for things NOT under our control, and for the feelings (of distress, in my case;perhaps pleasure in sexual abuse cases) of OTHERS.

I cannot see how this pattern of experience could fail to produce the "fruits" of abuse in anyone, regardless of their attitude, unless they were able to clearly identify and hold to the idea that they themselves were NOT responsible, that their "accusers" were clearly wrong and unjustified, and had some other haven in which to take refuge, perhaps an adult, or even an imaginary world.

The contention that reality is other than it really is MUST, in my opinion, be a huge destructive force in the life of any developing creature, children included. It constitues an imposed psychosis, an imposed split with reality.

Good intentions on the part of the abusers may mitigate some of the damage, and certainly doesn't add the damage that bad intentions produces (the adding of insult to injury) but it may further confuse the issue! If someone clearly means you harm, correctly characterizing their harmful actions as such is easy. If they are causing harm and meaning to "do good" it must of neccesity be harder for the young to parse correctly, and to defend, internally, against.

Finally, the misunderstandings that flow from "invisible disabilities" bend and distort even the best relationships. Though I may not be able to blame my parents and teachers as an understanding adult, it was their JOB as adults in my life as a child to "get it right." They didn't and their failure counts, regardless of their intentions. Had their intenntions been evil it might have been worse, but that does not lessen what it was.

I inherited my ADD from my father (who still remains in denial that he is also ADD).

I will summarize the long and involved life-drama between the two of us by saying that it wasn't until this past June 24th (my oldest nephew's birthday--that's why I remember the exact date) that I had the following epiphany: My dad is ADD. I am ADD. While he was growing up, ADD wasn't on the general public radar. While I was growing up, ADD wasn't really on the general public radar. I cannot hold my parents (yep, I've had some blaming thoughts towards my mom, too) responsible for not knowing about the ADD in our family. That would be like holding them responsible for not knowing about the existence of some distant planet or new species of animal from the depths of the ocean. They didn't know what they didn't know.

It isn't within my characater to be able to continue to harbor all the rage and contempt and pain I associate with growing up with him as a father anymore. By absorbing all I've learned about ADD, looking back at all the therapy I've had connected to him, and looking back at my memories of certain of our interactions and my perceptions of him and them, I have recognized and acknowledged that a lot of the strife in our past is related, simply put, to the both of us being ADD. I cannot justify holding on to some of my "issues" with him because I am now able to see him in a completely different light: as someone who also has suffered, and still is suffering, because of his ADD. What a release that was for me! :)

In no way am I trying to mitigate the things my parents, teachers, etc. did "wrong" connected to my developing psyche, self-image, etc. No Earthly parent is perfect.

It has been said that feeling relief from forgiveness is not for the other person; it's for the one who forgives. I wholeheartedly agree with that. I don't deny the hurts I've experienced; I've come to be able to accept them as a part of me. I'm still seeking to learn from them.

I haven't ever had a pow-wow with my father about all this...there's so much he's never known about me and my feelings towards him. Soon, I will begin that conversation with him....

Abuse & neglect causes ADD symptoms. Lots of different things cause ADD symptoms. It might not equal true ADD to you but those kids are still getting diagnosed with ADD. Sure abuse can make pre existing symptoms worse but it can also make ADD symptoms show up in kids who arent really ADD. Excpecially if it happens at a very young age. Small children are very sensitive to their environment and to how others treat them.

The Definition of ADD (historians rally round and correct errors you see) has been defined, as one of the criteria for the name, as NOT having any determinable cause... no head injury, mal-nutritian, emotional abuse, etc., and this has been because it was felt that ADD was a paradox:

Something wrong with nothing wrong.

It can't be a paradox if you can point to a cause.

The fact that heredity seems linked, that other factors influencing development seem link, and that this seems to be a developmental disease in nature, all push against this MAJOR TENANT of the definition of the condition itself.

I would agree, but cannot yet prove, that ADHD is a syndrome, a collection of symptoms, not the description of a cause or even a single condition (status). So of course, I would AGREE with you that abuse can produce loss of attention, loss of performance, distractiblility, flightyiness, etc. etc. etc.

Others here are steeped in the paradox of the disorder. The have experienced considerable pain as a result of the paradox of their condition in their upbringing. The paradox IS what caused many of them the sheer hell they went through, being misunderstood and mis-treated, if only "incorrectly" treated.

Asking for total unanimity on your view may fly in the face of the personal experience of many, and might not be required, depending on the reason you might seek it. That your proposed concept might be an "also ran" posibility will probably get by. More than that cannot yet be proven, and may be of limited value even when it can.

Each person's distress with this disorder comes from their own experience of it, and not from the science that might under lie it.

Im not talking about science or the theories of what ADHD is. All I said was simply that abuse can cause ADHD symptoms.

"All I said was..."

Yes.

But for some people that is like saying " (six letter derogatory term for people of african origins starting with n and ending with r with igge inbetween) are white honkies."

It is for them, both, offensive and untrue.

Abuse can cause symptoms. Yes. But, by definition, ADHD "anything" has no known cause.

I'll let "them" speak for themselves from here... (shagrin) i've not been doing too well at it apparently. -- Always a good policy to let people speak for themselves! I need to remember that!

(I feel like Hagrid talking about how to get past Fluffy. by accident)

I agree that an abusive childhood or trauma childhood can cause much suppression and delayed development, which can cause symptoms mirroring ADD. I think the ADD propensity is probably there, however, and the negative environment promotes the ADD's existence rather than the existence of normal developmental stages. I don't say this out of fact, not at all, but out of the experience that as my personal issues from childhood trauma get resolved, then my ADD symptoms become much more under control. I can't say the chicken or the egg hatched first..... but I can say dealing with the trauma, through excellent therapeutic modes, whatever they be in your life, is a good idea for further reduction of the symptoms. At the same time, I continue my drug/nutrition regiments....because they work. They work better when my issues are not raging wildly.

Jon

I will have to agree to disagree on the ADD/abuse connection. I guess it depends on how you see ADHD. To me it is a mental difference rather than a mental illness. I don't see ADHD as being a set of signs and symptoms, rather, as a way of being and thinking. I don't necessarily see it as a negative thing (you can't see things that way if one of your kids is autistic), I see it as an alternative way of being. I think as alternative beings, we are more vulnerable to feel abused because of the way we perceive the world and our own idealistic values, rather than someone's behaviour (intentional or not) towards us.

There is unexpected strength in unexpected points of view.

in martial arts one component of the ability to break bricks is that the brick breaker hits through the brick rather than its leading surface. This different intention results in subtle changes which contributes to make the unlikely probable.

Likewise perhaps, your exerience finding value in difference that others would readily cast as defect, has given you an apreciation, that you share with us, of the value of valuing our differences rather than casting them as defects.

Did i get it right?

Agreeing to disagree...:) I know people without ADD per se, who have issues to deal with, and issues are not "mental illnesses", yet the issues provoke a set of symptoms that make focus and organization difficult. That is why I personally think ADHD is a set of symptoms, which evolve from various causes, and the various symptoms may have similarities, but can have vast differences in diferrent people. I think there can be multiple causes, not just one cause, for the symptoms falling under the catagory of ADD.

Just my current opinion, which over time might change again...

Jon

Hi Wheel,

Yep you got it right. I see ADHD as a way of being and that brings good things. I've had to see it that way so that I can help my autistic son see that he has value and is not faulty. He can do so many things that others can't. Similarly, to not see the good things in ADHD and to only see the deficits or 'signs and sypmtoms' is kind of missing the point. It you're going to be different, you may as well enjoy it.

Originally posted by tudorose
Hi Wheel,

Yep you got it right. I see ADHD as a way of being and that brings good things.

Similarly, to not see the good things in ADHD and to only see the deficits or 'signs and sypmtoms' is kind of missing the point. It you're going to be different, you may as well enjoy it.

This is one point that I agree with 100%

I have been lucky to recognise it early, long before I had a name to go along with my so called disorder.

The more we all ADDvertise this part of ADD, then the more people who have ADD and can only see the bad points, will have a better chance of seeing how other people are dealing with it and maybe it will help them to recognise that !

Yes, maybe they can't organise there checkbook or keep their apartment neat and tidy, but that they have a special abillity to do something that is considered a very special quality in the Linear Thinking World and that they might be able to capatilise on that.

I was abused (beaten up) by an alcoholic dad, who would get drunk, then frustrated by having to support 2 kids, and then unleash his frustration on me.

I've always been very aware of other's feelings since having been trained from childhood to watch out for dad when he's in one of his moods.

One of the worst things, maybe worse than being beaten, (but by a very slim margin) is seeing in your father's face that he resents your very existence. It messes with your head when one of the two people in the world who are supposed to love you the most hates you.

It took me a long time to figure out that not everyone in the world wanted to hurt me. Years of my life wasted.

So now, as an ADD adult who needs structure in order to function well, I also have a massive resentment and anger towards authority. Great.

And he wonders why I don't talk to him anymore.

Mom, on the other hand, has been incredibly strong and helped me as best she can her entire life.

Originally posted by aforceforgood


So now, as an ADD adult who needs structure in order to function well, I also have a massive resentment and anger towards authority. Great.



I'm sorry your Dad did that to you. It was a reflection of his inability to cope, regardless of what he siad, not your existance. Whatever. I know it feels like what it was coded as when he was looking and you were being seen. Sorry.

But the quote above is the same for everyone with ADHD. Authority has told us we had motivations we didn't have, had strenghts we couldn't operate, had weaknesses that weren't close to accurate.

I think in this context of what I finally discoverd I needed from my office assistant.

When she went to home to lunch, I went out to lunch. It was my responsibility but i used the fact of her going to tell me "what time it was for." When she went at an odd time that was hard for me.

So we changed it. She'd tell me when it was going to be lunch time 10 minutes before hand. It was a simple message. "It is time for lunch." Specifically NOT "It's time for you to go to lunch." NOT "Go to lunch." I needed to retain responsibility, I needed the human contact to tell me what was appropriate at this time, even though I picked the time, and told her what words to say. I couldn't do that part myself.

And it was not her job to make me go to lunch, just to tell me about it. Splitting hairs. Important hairs. splits authority (what is it time for?) and responsibilty (mine) and EXTERNALIZES the structure I can't internalize.

She is layed off... I don't eat lunch very reliably...

DJA

Originally posted by aforceforgood
I was abused (beaten up) by an alcoholic dad, who would get drunk, then frustrated by having to support 2 kids, and then unleash his frustration on me.

I've always been very aware of other's feelings since having been trained from childhood to watch out for dad when he's in one of his moods.

One of the worst things, maybe worse than being beaten, (but by a very slim margin) is seeing in your father's face that he resents your very existence. It messes with your head when one of the two people in the world who are supposed to love you the most hates you.

It took me a long time to figure out that not everyone in the world wanted to hurt me. Years of my life wasted.

So now, as an ADD adult who needs structure in order to function well, I also have a massive resentment and anger towards authority. Great.



Force: I have resisted posting here....but I wanted to validate and acknowledge your post....as you and I have a very similar history here with this one......extremely similar....it's almost freaky.....My dad did the same thing....He did it for different reasons than yours did...but the behavior was the same.....

So many inpatient treatment centers and therapists and alanon programs later trying to HEAL....no the memories and pain of this stuff never really goes away entirely.....at least for me it doesn't.....I think it just lessens.....

Incidentally, I also often think that people in the world are out to "get me"....or "want something"....I'm TERRIFIED of feeling "used"....being taken advantage of.....

I'm not angry at authority figures...maybe I am, but I think I'm just afraid of lots of them.....

I'm so glad you posted this.....:)

Yeah, I've gotten over the "everyone is out to get me thing", and it only took 10+ years... next is my overreactions to people stepping over what I consider boundaries... wonder how long that'll take?

Summation; if you're abusing your kids, just go ahead and give em up for adoption, the mental damage can't be any worse... at least they'll get to live with someone who appreciates them.

Hey force, you are going in the RIGHT direction!

Hey force
I never saw my parent speak civally to each other once but that is nothing to what I feel you went through

Words dond take away the pain but the thought that we all think of you often might help to soften it when it strikes you

Just think of us all, your new family and know we love you

Garry

"ditto" (from Ghost)

Hi Force,

I think that to arrive at the conclusions that you have, shows a lot of maturity and personal growth. You haven't wasted 10+ years, you've gained the rest of your life. I know people who have had similar experiences to yours, but they carry it round with them their whole life never dealing with it and/or taking it out in others.

I think you are right not to speak to your Dad. He needs to accept responsibility for what he did to you and he can't expect that doing stuff like that to another, especially your own kid, can go without consequence.

You deserve so much better than that.

After several years I thought it was really interesting to see the opinions at that point in time. My opinions are still the same. I did sort things out with my Dad and we ended up with a really strong relationship and I'm glad I was able to do that before he passed away.

I think it's interesting that someone back then actually though that abuse was the cause of ADHD.

ocpd mother/Add PI(possible sct) daughter...if you dont think mother nature has a sense of humour then come watch that dynamic. Not pretty.

When I was young I drove my mom so crazy that she once just lost her mind and started to beat me. Even she doesn't know what happened, she just snapped one day.

I'm not justifying what she did, but the scenario she was in was very stressful. My dad was always gone TDY so she was stuck raising me and my brother. My H in ADHD was really really bad, running around screaming, running in place, making lots of noise. My brother is autistic and would just scream. He didn't even talk until about 5 or 6, he just screamed. So the environment she was in was probably hell.

Aside from that, I got yelled at a lot for stupid ADHD things like forgetting about stuff, misplacing things, bad grades, and all of the other usual things. I have a good relationship with my family now that I am less hyper and more independent, but obviously those memories stay with you.

Well, true. Abuse and certain stressful events can cause ADHD symptoms. However, they need to be treated differently than 'true' ADHD. If the problem is abuse, Ritalin is not the treatment.

And to add in another two cents: MBD is the old term for 'ADHD', but MBD also included DCD (developmental coordination disorder, or developmental dyspraxia)... and there is more and more evidence that the two often go hand in hand... and that there needs to be more attention for motor development problems in ADHD children, especially girls with ADD. And visa versa.

I've worked in child psych, and I've seen and diagnosed children with ADHD who definitely were not being abused. I've even had a father tell me that they didn't know it back then, but he also had ADHD, but because he had a terrific mum, he managed to function with it... and did his advanced education later on, when his ADHD became 'quiter'. He never had any of the 'serious' problems associated with untreated ADHD.

In my case, I probably inherited my ADHD from the least abusive parent.


And, it's always a combination between nature and nurture.

And to add in another two cents: MBD is the old term for 'ADHD', but MBD also included DCD (developmental coordination disorder, or developmental dyspraxia)...

I agree. There is much more current (and available) research around than when we were posting here in 2003. Back then I got most of my information from sitting on the floor of the library reading books that were probably out of date.

this ia where I think environment can come into play with exacerbating adhd symtpoms or plain ignoring them.

never had anything remotely similar to an abusive childhood

Unfortunately yes, I did. Physical and psychological. I'm sure I had all sorts of weird categorical mental things going on at the same time, but now, decades later, I'm just happy to know I have ADHD (and PTSD), and that's a damn improvement over past misdiagnoses.

no.....my dad was so big, he just scared the bejabbers out of me without doing anything but furrow those eyebrows at me .....(he was 6'4", and to a little kid ....that's a giant !)

....but mostly, my parents were doing the best they could, and the best they knew how ......and I come from an era where the teachers were always right >( not to mention they were nuns too) but I was a [pretty good kid .....

.....even though I never came close to "living up to my full potential ...." they kinda always knew I was trying ......my sister had a photographic memory, and so her grades were always very good.....and mine, average....we both tested very high....so why they accepted that I was trying.....I just don't know......


.....If anything I had an idyllic childhood.......