09-20-05, 07:00 PM
I have been dating my boyfriend now for 4 month and he has ADD. He currently is taking addarall but I am not sure of the amount. I have read alot of the posts and I guess his medication works well for him because he does not exhibt alot of the behavior that most of you post about.
I guess my question mostly is how to support him and help him when he needs it. I notice he pauses alot when speaking so I am patient because I know he is gathering his thoughts.
I realize he can have difficulty making decisions. How do I know when I should make the decsion or leave it up to him. I know he has motivation issues, when do I push him and when do I leave it be. He is not organized, but then again neither am I.
He doesn't ever blame things on his ADD or really use it as an excuse.
I guess I just love him so much and want to help him as best I can. I really dont have a hard time excepting this because I suffer from depression and take medication for it so I understand how the brain can change someone's perception of reality (so to speak).
Thanks for any advice you can give me.
09-20-05, 07:37 PM
ask him. nobody is expected to be a mind reader. "would you like me to assist you?" helps. do you need me to remind you? also works.
i tell my family: "remind me to ....." and that alone helps me not forget - i guess because i said it out loud, "it" sticks better.
and let him know that you don't mind.
09-20-05, 08:33 PM
My friend really does not want my help, although he knows I'd be happy to help any time. It's really up to him how he'd like to use my skills/knowledge/expertise/etc.
They are at his disposal to be used or not as he likes.
Mostly we use each other as sounding boards, which is fine.
As for your question specifically, I would go with Pembroke's suggestion. It is also the way I handled it.
The other thing....read read read and talk to people who know about ADD, and especially ADD people. Ask away in these forums, its all about support.
Hope this helps in some way
I love Jami Lea
09-28-05, 05:00 PM
Be patient too. Never put him in a position where you are interrogating him instead of offering help or someone to talk to. It's not going to be easy at times, but if you hold on tight, and work with him, it will be very rewarding and worth it, and eventually the two of you will click.
09-28-05, 06:03 PM
If there's no major issues, and he doesn't bring it up, I wouldn't impose yourself at all. If you offer help when he doesn't see himself as needing it, he may either think you're bossy and don't think he can do it, or that he actually isn't capable, neither of which are good options. If he doesn't mention it, he may simply not want it to be a major thing, so it would be wrong to make it into one.
09-30-05, 03:59 PM
Having been with my fiancee for about 2 1/2 years now, I can tell you what some of the hardest things to deal with were. I think the hardest thing is not crossing the line between lover and mother. Sometimes it's hard to stop yourself from nagging about things that have been forgotten and things that HAVE to be done (i.e. making sure important financial documents are mailed). I don't always follow this advice, sometimes the frustration just builds. In that case, I apologize for treating him in such a way. He doesn't deserve that.
The most important thing is to let him now that you will support him no matter what. And reading about ADD helps a lot too.
I've also found that asking my fiancee about his day is a helpful tool to him. It focuses his attentions on what happened and what needs to be done in the future as a result of what happened. We talk every day about how his day was so that he can reinforce it in his mind (he has TERRIBLE memory otherwise).
Like I said, some days will be harder than others, but a lot of patience and some support can go a long way to get through those days.
I like to be reminded of the big things and yes sometimes get frustrated when someone asks more than once about something...but as long as you are not going behind him asking, it will probably be okay. If you offer to remind him of a 'big" thing then he may be more open to ask you to remind him of the little things.
In my household asking others to remind you is a laugh because we are all ADDers...lol