I'm struggling with my family and the way they think they can "train" my child to think & act the "right" way.

I'm really struggling with my sister and her hubby, bless them they are great with my DD and she really likes them when it comes to her being a good girl. But when it comes to her doing something they don't like or want her to do...there comes this HUGE lecture from my sister to my DD ... mind you shes TWO YEARS OLD....do you know how well a 2 yrd old DOESN'T listen....heck I even tune my sister out when she starts up...by the way, my sister and her hubby don't have kids but they think that kids should be able to handle everything, kinda makes me think if they want a kid they should get a robot cause thats what they expect....example:

sister telling DD to not cry cause she wants a cookie before dinner...

"(name) you need to eat your salad, chicken and grapes before you can have an animal cookie. But if you keep crying I'm not going to give you a cookie so you need to stop and say your sorry before you can go and play again"

Did any of you tune that out??? cause I did and my DD does everytime to...the bad part is my sister gets mad and thinks that she can control my DD into being this perfect. She also thinks that I allow my DD to get away with things...

jumping off the couch or the beds...shes a darn devil...
like yelling in the house...
running in the house....
not saying please everytime...
saying " I want to watch TV..." instead of "may I" .....
Letting her say no and having her own opinion on some things
Allowing her to watch more than one movie in a day....
Letting her pick out her own clothes....
Not going into a lecture when shes bad, but saying "DD thats not nice please tell mummy your sorry" then moving on to playing with barbies or the stuffed animals or whatever...sidetracking her so she won't do it again.....
Allowing her to have her own personality and not conforming her to be ONE way.....

My sister will try to punish her right in front of me or talk over me when we are around other people to make me seem like i'm the stupid head that got knocked up and now don't know what i'm doing....ARG...i'm sick of my family telling me i'm raising a spoiled child...they told me i shouldn't let her hang around my best friends DD cause they don't like her and she's a brat.....EXCUSE ME thats my friends child....and both the girls together are really good.....

My child is polite says please and thank you and helps with cleaning and is pleasent to be around.....but my sister, her hubby and my parents all think they can train her right under my nose...i'm at a loss as to what to do.

They don't know about my ADD or my OCD or my boarderline..they would laugh in my face telling me i just want more attention again...they don't think the highest of my cause of past issues.....and for me to say...leave my child alone she has ADHD and some other things...they would say it's just an excuse for a lazy mummy...

AHHH>.....this is long again..i'm sorry....i'm just annoyed....i'm not sure what to do about stuff right now...:mad:

Does your sister have children of her own?

Some of the points you made that your family criticizes you on are ludicrous. I will now go ahead and point out why the behaviors you list are not only "ok," many are normal and in fact beneficial.

"jumping off the couch or the beds...shes a darn devil..." - She's an active child, but she's two years old. She is still exploring her environment and learning that couches and beds have springs in them. This is an exciting discovery for someone who just over a year ago learned to stand up

"like yelling in the house...running in the house...." - The same things are in play here. Children younger than 4 or 5 don't know how to converse with other people in depth, let alone see things from their perspectives. She is playing as best she knows, and exploring her environment. At the same time, the yelling demonstrates that she is learning how to use her vocal cords in more depth, and running shows she's learning more advanced movement techniques. Compare a 2 year old running to a 15 year old running, and see the huge differences in how the muscular equipment (which is the same in both) is used. That is learned, by running.

"not saying please everytime..." - She is still learning the names of most things! Her vocabulary should only consist of around 150-300 words right now. The lingual construct "please" is very complex. It requires both understanding of saying it, as well as understanding that other people are also humans. It's a difficult concept, and a 2 year old is certainly not ready for this.

"saying " I want to watch TV..." instead of "may I" ....." - She's saying "I want to" do anything? That's incredible. At this age, she should be saying "Want this" or "Want that." As I said, on average, a 2 year old has 150-300 words at their disposal. Children of this age also, on average, are only capable of speaking in 3 or 4 word sentences. Linguistic operating words like "to" are hard to master and aren't normally part of that. Pronouns referring to oneself aren't seen as necessary, because the child doesn't understand that other people are people. As far as she knows, she is the only person, and everyone else is something different. Why specify who wants something if she's the only one who can want?

Letting her say no and having her own opinion on some things - They're called the "terrible twos" for a reason. She is learning how to say no. It's a new word, and a new concept. The child is simply learning that she is, in fact, able to exert her own will. She will also have to learn that she cannot do this all the time. These lessons need to be learned together, but not allowing the child to say no is not a good idea.

"Allowing her to watch more than one movie in a day...." - The child learns about the world by experiencing it, and in this case, by viewing it. Watching a movie is actually good for children in that movies are long and therefore promote attention.

"Letting her pick out her own clothes...." - I can't really comment on this one, as I assume it's more a matter of opinion. If the child has a wardrobe and is capable of choosing from it, I don't see why this is wrong? Not allowing the child to make decisions like this will only teach her to be dependent on others in making such decisions.

"Not going into a lecture when shes bad, but saying "DD thats not nice please tell mummy your sorry" then moving on to playing with barbies or the stuffed animals or whatever...sidetracking her so she won't do it again....." - Current evidence shows that the more threatening a request is, the less likely someone is to comply when the request is not made. By just saying "no, do this" you will get much better results as the child will internalize that and it will become automatic. Saying "don't do this or else you will get punished and we will be mad and you'll go to hell" (exaggerating for effect) will simply make the child more likely to disobey this later.

"Allowing her to have her own personality and not conforming her to be ONE way....." - The child is just now learning how to have a personality. Forcing her hand this early can lead to psychological ramifications later. Preventing the child from developing naturally in childhood can result in serious effects in adulthood.



Your family does not seem to have a firm grasp of child development and child rearing. If they do, they are using outdated methods. You should correct your child lovingly and occassionally, allowing her to learn the lessons she has to learn at this age without impinging on her ability to develop. I recommend telling your family that you will raise your child your way, and that they are not welcome to second guess in you parenting your own daughter. There's no need to mention any diagnoses: simply tell them they are not welcome to parent your daughter, and you will do things your way. This is especially important with your sisters, as I am not sure they have children...if they don't, they have no idea anyways.

Your parents using the methods that they are mentioning here are, unfortunately, somewhat likely to have caused a rise in your own behaviors, especially in the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Overstrict parenting can lead to excessive feelings of guilt, which are hallmarked in OCD.

As I said in the other thread, you are doing a good job from what I understand. Don't let others tell you contrary to what your maternal instinct tells you. This is especially true of your sisters, if they don't have children, because they don't have the instinct yet. I'll point out that my grandparents told my parents they weren't strict enough. As a result, I avoid my grandparents a lot, so there's that. I'd also point out that I think my aunt and uncle are overly strict with their kids, and I believe that it will show in the near future.

Your friendly neighborhood psychology student,
Keith

Howdy again Flygurl:

Sometimes you just have to be a parent, and tell the hopefully well intentioned folks "thank you very much for your advice," and let them know the conversation is over.

My own grandmother, whom I respect greatly, used to give me the "don't pick that child up, you'll spoil him -- let him cry it out" stuff, and I used that exact advice. We've got to go with what we know is right sometimes.

I know the feeling you're having. My daughter is two as well and says please and thank you, excuse me and is very helpful around the house. I mean how many two year olds ask to vacuum the house. She doesn't have ADHD (that I know of) but my step mother used to complain that she doesn't say yes mam\sir no mam\sir and she said something to my wife and I one day. I looked her in the eye and said "she's two. she says please and thank you. She helps around the house and if the worst thing she ever does is not say yes mam or no sir then I'm happy already."

Ever since then my step mother hasn't brought the lack of yes mam no mam up again. There are many times where my daughter will get an idea in her head and be what we lovingly call "one-track mind" and we have to get her distracted to get her to stop. All I'm saying is every child is different and every parent is different. The people closest to you in life that don't have children always seem to stick their nose in the furthest and their opinions are always the loudest.

Ask yourself this. Is your daughter happy? Does she act and behave in a manner you are pleased with? If the answer to both questions is yes you are doing awesome! If not, you're still doing good.

They should not overstep theyre boundries,especially in public.It sounds like they are useing your DD as a instrument to "train" you.
In some ways they are showing that they care and want her to be a thoughtful,respectful child,non the less they should also realize that she is TWO YEARS OLD!!!!!!My 2 year old just went potty for the first time!!!!!!!Good grief!!!!! I do understand both points though.Maybe they are overcompensating because they feel you are too leniant.I have experienced the same.My family knows I have ADD and Im a freespirit,but when it came to teaching the girls to cover themselves I saw that as no big issue.They disagreed.
Babies running around with theyre cute little dimply bottoms running by was the least of my worries.All the same,I am makeing them get dressed and be modest and Im kind of glad.
What Im saying is they THINK they are helping.Im sure they have no ill will.Im wondering if they dont have issues with you and if thats the case you should definetly say something and tell them you are perfectly confident in your child rearing skills and you appreciate it but you will do things how you see fit.Good luck to you.

Flygurl,

Your daughter sounds pretty healthy to me. The fire is still burning. You're doing something very right!

Your sister however....

"(name) you need to eat your salad, chicken and grapes before you can have an animal cookie. But if you keep crying I'm not going to give you a cookie so you need to stop and say your sorry before you can go and play again"

All the way from over here where I sit, I felt the swelling of an uncontrollable urge to throw that salad. Sheesh! Can you imagine hearing endless versions of that dynamic day in and day out? I can hardly sit still just thinking about it. Yet this type of thing goes on in ticky-tacky houses far and wide. And the "good kid" is the one that gets crushed and learns to obey. Fire goes out.
Typical.

You said:

Did any of you tune that out??? cause I did and my DD does everytime to.

Makes sense. Don't like the show, change the channel.

My suggestion is maybe it is time to seperate. If they cannot respect you as a mother with your own DD and ideas on how to raise her then maybe they need some space to reflect on what life is like without you and your DD to critique.

I am alott like you with my kids and I get the lectures on "your kids need some real home training ,,,,, you don't discipline them right,,,,,, or they need that butt tore up is what they need,,,,,,, then there is times when people try to discipline my child and I step in and let them know that when they give birth to one of my children,,, then and only then can they tell my child how to act or tell me how to discipline them.

Please do not let them cause you any doubt as to how good of a mother you are because the things that you are pointing out is what makes you a good mother and to hell with anyone who doesn't think so cause it is not there concern anyway.

then there is times when people try to discipline my child and I step in and let them know that when they give birth to one of my children,,, then and only then can they tell my child how to act or tell me how to discipline them.
I'm sure this doesn't apply to you Draven, but I think this can be taken too far. When I lived in mainland Japan, if you told a stranger's kid to stop throwing rocks at the other kids in the park, the parent would be more likely to come scream at you than to thank you from preventing their kid from putting another child in the hospital...

I like it much better here in rural Okinawa, were there is more of a village mentality. Kids look up to and respect adults in general, and adults in general kind of keep an eye out for each others' kids. I think that's the way it should be.

Sure there are times when people need to butt out of parents' business, but I think it is a very lonely society where parents are the only ones who can contribute to the raising of a child.

People who don't have kids just don't understand. Even grandparents who are many decades away from their toddler-raising years forget what it's like. Is it possible for you to avoid these family members? My son is also 2 and I have found it's better to avoid people who are so clueless about normal toddler behavior.

then there is times when people try to discipline my child and I step in and let them know that when they give birth to one of my children,,, then and only then can they tell my child how to act or tell me how to discipline them.

Uminchu I think what Draven is saying is that when someone is telling the kid that he/she can't have the cookie, the book the toy till they do this this or this...that it's a good time as a parent to step in a say "excuse me but thats my child and I can tell him/her what they need or don't need."

I know that for any of us if our kids were getting rocks thrown at our kids I'd be yelling at the other kids to stop...but then again thats an out right act of being a naughty child....and they deserve someone to yell at them to stop. But for something that is as small and not getting a cookie before dinner....there is really no need to go into a detailed punishment...it's a freaken animal cookie!!!!

I don't mind it when other people tell my DD to stop hitting or please share.. heck my daycare lady (she goes to an at home daycare) gives her time-outs and tells her what to do/not to do...but she also knows that with a child you can only tell them in a simple sentence...they say sorry...you make them smile and then move on.

I think it would be a good idea to have them see what life would be like without us around....not that I'll move away but heck it's not like they are the most helpful to me....and in all honestly...they do hold my PAST over my head like it's a freaken part of me.....my mother is the worse....she actually won't watch my child unless I pay her $30.00 a day or 3 hours of house cleaning. And yet the lady that baby sits for her on Saturday nights watches her for FREE.....and my grandma, my friends they will watch her for FREE...but my parents and sis/hubby seem to think that if they watch her without strings attached then they will be used...

la de da.....here comes the stubborn ADD side of me....I think they need a taste of their own meds!! :) My DD doesn't miss them enough yet so they can just miss her .... they have a phone and a car they can pick her up if they really want to spend time with her....

thanks you all for your help.....again and again....don't know what I'd do without you all!!

That may be a good idea.Not for a taste of theyre own medicine but so that they can see that you dont need theyre help and you can do it on your own.Like I said before and the more I read the more I believe that they are trying to teach you(in theyre eyes)but to you its offensive and hurtful.I think that maybe theyre idea of :"tough love"is out of order.I did the same thing before and it really improved my relationship with my parents and with my girls.I didnt need help!!!!!

Show them you are a confident mom and you dont need all the advice and bickering at your DD.You have to put her first.Sounds like you are,Good luck.

Uminchu I think what Draven is saying is that when someone is telling the kid that he/she can't have the cookie, the book the toy till they do this this or this...that it's a good time as a parent to step in a say "excuse me but thats my child and I can tell him/her what they need or don't need."
I didn't mean to presume about anyone, but it's just that the statement as it stood was a bit stronger than I was comfortable with. In the situation you mention, I'd probably take my kid out to buy a cookie and let those busybodies get bent. But that's just me. :)

my mother is the worse....she actually won't watch my child unless I pay her $30.00 a day or 3 hours of house cleaning.
I live thousands of miles away from my mother. She gets to see my son maybe once a year. So she definitely appreciates being able to see him. Not saying you should move to Japan in order to teach your family what a gift your daughter is to them... ;)

hehe they are afraid I'll move to a different state...I used to do that before i had my DD I'd just up and go to a different state with my friends and stay with their familys or something....was fun...I wouldn't do that to my DD though...

althought i do have two sisters in vegas so i always have a place to live there.. but my friends are here and my boyfriend is here....this is the first time i'm actually not really wanting to move...kinda strange for me...