Hi Ladies :) I've been poking around and found an article that will apply to most of us. Granted, some of these things are easier said than done. I have problems delegating and am trying to improve in that direction. I am also just finding out how valuable those "daily time outs" can be. I guess it's time to get out the little gold stars....school is back in session and some things have got to change around here! Just thought I would share.
~gourmet~
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How is a woman supposed to juggle work, home, and children without becoming overwhelmed and stressed?


*Create an ADD Friendly household. Decide what is important to you and what is not. If you can relax your expectations and relief stress, do so. Talk to your spouse and your children openly about how ADD affects your life. Let them know what areas and issues you have the most difficulty with and where your strengths lie. Request that they take on some of the chores you have problems with completing and let them know what chores you can continue.

*Delegate responsibility. Keep a chore chart on the wall or the refrigerator so that everyone knows what is expected of them. Let everyone know it is their responsibility to get their chores done, not your responsibility to follow them around.

*Try to reduce your commitments and practice saying "no" when someone asks for your help. Get in the habit of always telling someone you will get back to them tomorrow, giving yourself time to decide if you can handle a new project.

*Have daily time-outs for yourself. Build a half an hour into each day when you will be without distractions. Ask for assistance from your spouse and your children in understanding that you need this time to wind down and re-energize yourself.

*If you are working full time, re-do your budget to see if you can afford to have someone help in some of your household chores.

*Take the time to learn behavioral management for your children and find a system you will be able to stick with. As a parent with ADD, inconsistency can become a way of life, creating havoc for you and your children. Create a chart system that will help maintain consistency.

*Make sure you enjoy your paying job. Having a place where you enjoy your work will help you to enjoy your home life as well.

*See your doctor if you have problems with PMS. PMS can add to the frustrations of ADD, make sure you receive treatment if this is causing problems for you.
Relax and enjoy what you love, find time to play with your children, spend time with your spouse and have fun!!

The article is great. On this note, I need some suggestions. I'm currently a student, taking online classes. I have an 11 mth. old, and a ten year old who is also ADD. My 10 mth old goes to daycare, and I substitute every once in a while. It seems like, when I take my medicine I focus more on cleaning, and stuff around the house. I also feel guilty about my baby being in daycare because Mommy can't get anything done otherwise. I can drop him off as early as 7:00 and pick him up as late as 5:30. I end up leaving him from 9 to about 1. My school work is falling behind, and I don't know what to do. I end up taking it out on my husband, and all he's done is try to help. Even though it's expensive, he agreed to pay for daycare so that I can have time to study, get organized, etc. Does it sound like I need more medication?

I am trying to implement some of these but like you said, others are more easily said than done.

I don't work outside the home, and honestly I think my house would stay cleaner if I did. As it is my 3 son's and I are home all day and manage to keep it quite messy. I was doing really well with flylady before I got pregnant with my 3rd but now things are falling apart. I keep telling myself I'll get back on top of things one of these days.

One day at a time.

Great article, Gourmet! Thanks for sharing it!:) The daily time out seem especially good.:D

Ann, school and young children for anyone, especiallh someone with ADHD is quite a challenge. I encourage you to not guilt yourself over needing to have your kids out of the house to get it clean. Mine are never out of the house and mine is rarely clean -- I'm trying to figure out how to have someone watch them for a while each week, so I can catch up around here. I don't know if you need more meds or maybe just more structure -- do you know anyone who could act as a coach to help you organize a daily schedule of when to study, when to clean, etc and then keep checking back with you to help you stay with it. I know without some external structure and personal support, I generally can't stay with it on my own.

Wifemomservant--boy, do I relate to that name -- I also like your relationship dates by your signature! I was married in 86, first time mom in 97, and second time mom in 02, and servant of Jesus since the earlist dawning of intelligence thanks to my parents early introduction of Him to my life.

I don't work outside the home, and honestly I think my house would stay cleaner if I did. As it is my 3 son's and I are home all day and manage to keep it quite messy. I was doing really well with flylady before I got pregnant with my 3rd but now things are falling apart. I keep telling myself I'll get back on top of things one of these days.

One day at a time.I really relate to what you said about how you thought your house would stay cleaner if you did work outside the home- I'm pretty sure mine would, because the longer the kids and I are home the messier it gets. If you were doing well with two, than you're ahead of me. I did okay with one, but two has pretty well sunk my boat! Kind of ironic -- I was a principal of a small two teacher school and managed fine, director of a children's grief program and did great, but can't handle just two of my own and my home.:eyebrow:

Like you said, one day at a time!

Ya'll take care!
Scattered

As a mom of four, i can definitely say mine is cleaner when I'm working. I'm a teacher so I get weeks and months off at a time and can honestly say that I keep things more organized when everyone is in school. Of course my kids don't have as much time to mess things up then.
Gourmet-- I'm not sure where this article came from but About.com has some good tips too if you search ADD and Women. Your list looks like the same one. One of the things that they point out is that we carry a lot more stress than a lot of men do because we're expected to keep everybody else organized and on schedule when it's typically a skill that is not natural to a lot of us.
http://add.about.com/od/womenandadd/a/women.htm

Thanks Jaycee for providing that link. That's exactly where I've been.

I was just talking to a friend...telling her that if for some reason I fail to do my part, the rest of them follow suit.
You are right. Traditionally, the woman of the house plays a huge role in setting the morale of the inhabitants :D as well as setting the example for effectively keeping the house up.
This is something my mother told me when I first began having children and everyday proves that it's true.

I am especially disorganized during summer months and on the weekends when our structured schedule changes. The boys are not in school and are underfoot or needing much deserved attention and that is what I focus on. I can't seem to keep the balance of home and kids throughout the entire week.

When I am home alone, I like to pull out projects that I can't concentrate on when the kids are with me. My adhd gets the best of me then and I under-estimate the amount of time I have or the complexity of the project. I either end up cramming everything somewhere or trying to leave it out for my next break......this can turn the house upside down in no time flat.

So I agree with all of you that the best way to keep the house tidy is to stay away during the day as much as possible :) Isn't that a hoot! Can't seem to understand why........:D
I fell off the wagon with flylady too and have no real excuse. I'm trying to get back on but it's not as easy as it was the first time around.

~gourmet~

I deal with A TON of guilt. I don't know where to begin to reslove it. My oldest son who is 10 got the crappy, unorganized, uninformed side of me for so long. I was not on medication, and would yell at him, and just had no patience. He was so little. Now, my medication has helped me, and my new 11 mth old seems to be getting a better start. I feel so horrible! For example, yesterday my little one had a 104.5 fever and my husband and I ended up in the emergency room. Without my medication, I know I would not have taken the appropriate steps. I was able to pack his diaper bag with all neccessities, call the pediatrician (wait for his call), take insurance and other paper work we might need. Totally ready. When my oldest was a baby and got sick, I'd run out the door, no toys, no paper work, and then get mad at him because I didn't pack toys, paperwork and things that he would have needed. I also wasn't married at the time. However, I don't think that had anything to do with being organzied. I don't know how to get over the guilt.

Ann74, have you talked to your son about how you feel?

Imnapl,
No, but I've thought about it. I don't know what to tell him. I'm scared that he'll use it against me later on down the line. The way I blame my Mom for things that went wrong in my life. Any suggestions?

Anna

Imnapl,
No, but I've thought about it. I don't know what to tell him. I'm scared that he'll use it against me later on down the line. The way I blame my Mom for things that went wrong in my life. Any suggestions?

Anna
Anna, your 10 year old is smart enough and old enough for you to also tell him that. Tell him that you are scared he will grow up to hate you because you feel like you should have done better. Thing is, his whole life as a child is about learning to do things better everyday...so if you want anyone to be able to understand the frustration of having ADD as an adult....talk to a kid. They know. Their whole life is constant change. I think we forget that as we grow older.

Also, I guarantee you from his perspective you didn't screw up as much as you think. He probably remembers you yelling but kids can forget a lot of that stuff. They are resilient! I'd bet that he is TOTALLY HAPPY that you aren't like that anymore. So, stop kicking yourself for being how you were then and USE your "guilt time" to do something with him that you both will remember as a good time. Play cards or go for a 10 minute walk instead of beating yourself up for what you can't change.

The fact that you have the sense to ask someone else for advice or even feel guilty about it means that you care and you are working on improving the situation.
Having peace in life is all about what you can do NOW! Focus on what you can do now and tomorrow when you're thinking about what happened today you will have no guilt....because you actually won't have time to think about today since you'll be thinking about what you need to do NOW. :D

So, go to your son NOW and show him how he should be when he has kids and has to be an open and honest person when it feels like it is really the hardest thing to do at that moment.

Life ain't all peaches and cream. Teach your kids that sometimes life sucks but there are positive ways to deal with it....and deal with it in a positive way to prove it.

Gourmet
That was some very good ideas. Thank you so very much for sharing them. I am at stay at home mom but I found some things that I can apply to my own life. We get so involved with trying to make things easier or more organized in our lives, that sometimes we tend to make it all so much harder.

Thanks again for sharing such a wonderful article :)

I too feel guilt,we all do to a extent.I am a stay home mom of a 2 and 4 year old.I was completely compulsive when it came to the care of my oldest.She was never uncomfortable,I practically broke my back.It was so hard.(I had no idea I had ADD)so of course things got worse as time went on.

More responsibility and she had COLIC for months!!!!I could totally wing it though.Even with the constant fear inside of screwing her up mentally.
Everything had to be perfect.Bathing her every time I could so she would smell pretty and feel all clean and baby fresh!LOL!!!!!I slept with her on my chest every night for about 5 months!Im not exagerating girls!

When I gave birth to my second(22 months apart)I fell to pieces.The stress and I didnt get to center in on my second girl as much.It still tears me up inside.....
It seemed that when I had two I had to split myself in half,so of course that brought guilt about the two year old.Like I never gave her the attention I had previously given my first.

Now I feel it for my 4 year because she saw the worst of me,before treatment.I would almost tolerate insane things and then build it up to a explosion of over reaction which I considered somewhat a form of mental abuse.I say that because I believe that screaming, swatting in anger or intimidation through fear is a form of abuse.So therefor I am constantly feeling like Im trying to make up for it.

I still think about these things everyday.When will I accept that I am a mom but I am only a human who cant be perfect either?
All I can change is tommorow and IT WILL BE BETTER THAN THE LAST.
We all have these thoughts.Im glad I do because it makes me strive harder everyday to be a better person.

Hey Ann,

I'm real familiar with guilt in the parenting department, but the truth is we don't know what we don't know (I know profound!:p ). When we didn't know what we were fighting, we we're very prepared to succeed. I think one of the best examples a parent can show their children is to be willing to admit a mistake, learn from it and grow. He's going to make plenty of his own and if he sees you're example of perservence it might make quite difference. A little extra TLC time now is always a good thing too!:)

Scattered

Thank you for the advice. I talked to my son, and he was very understanding. He said that he will be patient with me, if I will be patient with him. He is ADD and gifted, and has had a rough time in school. He says sometimes he gets stomach pains when he gets in trouble for talking at school, because he knows I'm going to get sooo mad at him. I promised him I would not yell, and we would discuss everything calmly from now on. He said, "You know one time you told me that no matter what you will always love me? Well, the same for you." He forgives me, but forgiving myself is the hard part. I'm on my way though!

It's great to see that you and your son talked things through. I know that the happiest day of my 11 yr olds life was the day i came home with my ADD diagnosis. I'm much more in control and have fewer outbursts when things are getting crazy. It's almost like it validated her.

Relearning how to set up your household is the hardest thing I've ever tried, but I'm trying because my kids need that organization. They all love to go stay with my older sister who is not ADD. She is super structured despite working long hours and having a child with ADD too. One of these days I might look back and feel guilty about past behaviors, but right now getting everyone in my household screened and straightend out is the biggest thing.
Did you know that if both parents are ADDers that the children have a 90% chance of having ADD?

Hi ladies. I'm glad you relate to this article.
I've noticed a lot of you speaking about the guilt we have along with the other challenges mentioned.

As girls, we most likely grow up with the idea that we are to be all things to all people...especially now in this world we live in. We are not only 'expected' to take care of things in the traditional home, but also make something productive out of ourselves for the rest of the world. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I can't see it as being practical. Practicality has never been my virtue though.

Today women have more of a choice....I chose a more traditional lifestyle all the while trying to live in the pull of a more liberal and free thinking art arena. These are two different worlds...often to the extreme, and it's been hard as heck. I've created guilt for myself and a general feeling of not excelling at any one area... I wear way too many hats and they never stay on my head long enough to make a fashion statement ;)

On top of trying to get it all right, we must manage a love life, please our mates, and be true to our femininity and sexual needs... actively be participants in the relationships of friends and family.

We are expected to love ourselves, in order to maintain the love and respect of others...and yet guilt never contributes to self love.

Ultimately, we all have the same number of hours in a day. What we do during these hours....well.....we all want them to be of quality. So I imagine we need to read all we can and support each other with ideas on how to manage....how to choose priorities as well as be true to ourselves.

ADD women are not generally known for their organizational abilities. We can all learn from each other, though.

I think we all should take a well deserved guilt-free nap...but for goodness sakes, set your alarm. ;)

~gourmet~

Well said Gourmet!!!!We cannot be perfect!We are so many things to so many people.Its overwhelming sometimes.
I try to stay focused on positive behavior and accepting that sometimes I just cant do it all perfect.But,I can do it the best to MY ability and keep in mind to try harder every day.