Hi. I'm new here, and I have actually never posted anything on one of these boards until now. This one seemd to be the most appropriate.

i am in my late thirties. I have been sober in AA for over 10 yrs now with a great deal of success. I have pulled myself out of the gutter to accomplish a lot of good stuff. Repaired relationships, repaired credt, held job for 9 yrs, purchased my own home, lost 100 lbs, gained many friends, living with handome Dr boyfriend. I have also been a leader in AA - intergroup chairperson, group treasurer, general "go-to" person. The "prom queen syndrome" I call it.

But, now, I have a dirty little secret, and it's finally bitten me in the ***. For the past year, I have been abusing (and become addicted to) adderall. It started off slowly - as it always does. Once in a while to enhace our sex life. Over the past year, it's gone from that to taking 300-400 mgs a day, with no days off. During this past week, I spent probably 2 or 3 days straight high and in a casino. I have spent approx $25,000 in the last 2-3 mos. in casinos, not to mention the mental toll it has taken on me.

My boyfriend did aan "intervention" on me the other day. Up until now, there was noone I could talk to about it. I didn't want to jeopardize my standing. Part of me is glad that he did that, as all I could think of was the next time I could go to the casino. When I could get "high" next. And it progressed just like anything else. Started slow and the took over EVERYTHING in my life. I have isolated from all friends and most family. I am close to being fired. I have resigned all my positions of responsibility in AA. I am financially ruined. My self-esteem is back in the gutter.

The "golden child" has fallen - and falled HARD.

Today is the 1st time out of bed since Thurs afternoon. I haven't brushed my teeth ot taken a shower. I am on "maintenence" doses of adderall. (60-80mgs.) I don't have access to more - unless I go forge another script.

I just don't know where to turn. I'm not sure if I need rehab. I am NOT ready to go back to AA. Until recently, I held that I still have 10 yrs sober bec. I didn't drink....... Now I'm not so sure.

Anyway, I'm looking for any experince with a problem like this. And another part of me just needed to tell somebody - even if it's a bunch of anonymous screen names.

Thanks

Here's another program I'm looking into: http://www.smartrecovery.org/
It's a more cognitive behavioral type approach than AA that doesn't rely on the helpless addict model. From there, I found this book which you can read a few chapters on http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/chapter1.html
Maybe helpful to spark some ideas for you.

I relapsed with Ritalin and got to a point where I was chopping them up and snorting them. What really sucked was when the Dr. realized that I was lieing to get him to up my dose and cut me off all together so natuarlly I looked for something else,,,, Crank. When I did finally get clean I was so scared to take anything else. Now 3 years later since the Ritalin I am trying meds again. I was scared to death of adderal because of the high I got off of it and amazingly, I walked in and told my Dr. just that. He has helped alott even though he is not as knowledgable as I would like about ADD but leave it a person with ADD to educate him lol. I am not gonna preach to you about NA or AA,,, you know the benifits already but I can tell you that often new comers look up to those with many years until they get to a point where they act like they are better. After ten years of sobriety, being able to admit that you messed up, brings reality back to those who have become to confortable and helps new comers see that it is a life long battle. OK so you messed up,,, are you ready to pick yourself up try again because that is all we can do from one day to the next is try. I am proud of you for being able to do what you did tonight and admit to a group of strangers that you are human and even after ten years you too can fall. Huge huggs to you!!!
Tomorrow is a new day!

It's good that you know you have a problem AND you want to do something about it. You also know about AA and all the other A's , and Paul brought up one of the non-A programs.

Frankly, taking any action at this moment would probably help (which you are doing here). A rehab can provide a good clean break from your life.

You can also go back to AA, as Draven says, people will usually be happy you're still alive when you come back from a relapse. They were when I was relapsing, years ago.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Drug addicts and alcoholics take drugs and drink; that's what we do.

Keep up the momentum. I'm proud of you for your honesty!

Peace.

Thanks for the replies. I've already detoxed from the adderall. Inpatient rehab didn't seem to be the best option for me (actually, I stormed out of the assessment - too many damn rules!!). The place I went to today for outpatient treatment basically told me that she thought I would benefit from 1 on 1 therapy, combined with returning to meetings and finding a sponsor that I would actually CALL (imagine.....) So I went to my first meeting last night. They asked if anyone had a drink since their last meeting, since I hadn't, I didn't raise my hand. (semantics!!) Anyway, I've made contact with some of my AA buddies that I had isolated from the last couple of months and let them know what was going on. I guess the prospect of "comong back" doesn't seem AS terrifying anymore. Trying to arrange private therapy now. Antidepressants are probably in the works too.


I guess it's still a day at a time.

There is a substance abuse and addiction sub-forum on the ADDforums...It is private, but you can go to the index page to find information.

I am very happy for you. Yeah, calling the sponser is pretty useful lol,,, I always seemed to forget at that crucial moment but somehow when I was at my worst, she ended up popping up. Amazing how that worked lol. I truly hope everything works out for you. I know that it is kind of hard to discuss relapseing on chemical substance in an AA meeting so just remember, there is another choice where a drug is a drug,,,,, chemical or liquid doesn't matter.

I am so glad to see that you are going to meetings and getting what you need for you.

I was addicted to the needle.YES,it sounds so shocking to be bold about it.
Im bold about it because I stopped,by myself,with no help from anyone but myself.

I put it down and walked away 8 years ago and never looked back.
You can do this.You have to get in that mind frame.Are you going to live and enjoy living,or look to something to get you through?

You will always have the temptation.....Fight it!Beat it!You have to tell yourself you are worthy and are worth the fight!
Every time you beat the temptation you will gain self confidence and more power.Thus creating a cycle...A good one.

Best of luck to you.If you ever need advice or someone to relate Im here......

Hit a meeting, everyday, sometimes two or three a day. Go to Narcotics Anonymous...AA is different, it really is based on the same principles but NA is more effective IMHO. Get a sponsor, get involved, and hit meetings, just remember, you cant, we can, and he can! I will pray for your serenity and recovery.
God Bless
B