Im just curious how many of you have experienced this feeling.

My husband use to gripe at me all the time for the way the house looked and everything in between that "other wives" could do on a daily basis with ease.

Now that Im on meds arent I just polly perfect?!Ya know what I mean?

Sometimes I really resent those things now that I can see a little clearer.I think to myself,"is that all he cared about?"The house!!!!The dishes,laundry,kids?

I personally think that just living and making yourself happy along with the ones you love is the most important!
Does the fact that I have ADD alter his feelings for me if Im not medicated?

So many questions.......
Have any of you girls felt the same?

Not yet. Got upped to 60mg Adderall and still can't get moving on things I should be doing. :(

My husband actually cheated on me, and blamed it on the fact that I was "all over the place." I wasn't on medication at the time, and the house was ALWAYS a wreck, cooking was hard, and I was also trying to finish college. I would constantly attack him because I was always defending myself. Now, that I'm on medication everything is great. For a long time I believed that his infidelity was my fault, I chose to forgive him, but it has been incredibly hard.

Anna

Ann
Hi, my husband cheated after we were married for three years and said the reason why was because I wasn't spending time with him during the week or on weekends. Working full time Mon-Fri, soccer on Sat and cleaning on Sun...
It's been three years and I have kinda forgiven him but I'll never forget it.
I think I drive him wacky sometimes because I can never find anything. It's gotten to the point where he'll ask me what I am looking for. My response does it matter it's always something :) Meds help but still it's hard at times.

Meds help but still it's hard at times.I with you Johna -- meds definately help and I'm still a pretty big disaster (or at least our house is). Actually, if I got it all together I think it is my husband who would be tickled!:p

Scattered

I tell mine all the time if he's so worried about the darn house to get up of HIS adhd butt and do something about it. :soapbox:

He's definitely ADHD, but seems not to want to do anything about his. As a kid he's the one that the teacher locked in the closet....literally. I have to stand in front of him and turn evertything off to have a conversation. He likes the house clean but rarely does anything to get it that way. He won't even put his folded laundry into his drawers.:mad:

This was my deal.We met,I was a dancer.Very independant in a way.He had a job I wont mention....
He was from the hardest part of town,single alcoholic mom.Pretty much had to fend for himself.
Me,I was spoiled.I had alot of emotional baggage from my biological parents popping in and out but was definetely typicalADD so I cant really place blame.I did what I wanted knowing my daddy would come to the rescue.

We knew each other for years and were not attracted to each other.I was a punk and he was a,I guess ,I would say......player/jock/bad boy?.

We really liked each other...really.We became fast friends.I was still on heavy drugs at the time(needle)so we definetely had diffrent lifestyles.

When I became clean(it was like a bag was taken off my head!)I grew my hair,grew out my eyebrows and started looking,well,pretty.I was always trying to cover it up for some reason.
Also,I realized how attractive he was.Of course he took notice too.We began a whirlwind romance and dated for 2 years,got ingaged and then married and then babies.

We had kind of a agreement.I had lived the hard life and wanted stability.The white pickett fence,he felt the same.
We dramatically changed our lives together.Hand in hand.

But,he wants to be sooo dominant all the time.He makes all the choices and decisions on things.He want to be served.Which I wanted the role of the little woman but somehow as I get older I need more.

Now that Im on my meds Im fully functionable and taking care of finances and keeping the house and kids up.
I try to create conversations with him,I need this.I tell him.I need more intellectual stimulation.Not just sitting and watching T.V. or fetching something for him.
I never get brakes!He dosnt seem to notice and when I do have a break he sees this as more time for his needs.COME ON!!!!!

Its really turning me off!Its almost like were on diffrent wavelenghts now.I love him extremely and we are the best of friends,we laugh and have a good time.But those moments are getting further between.

Gosh!Im so sorry I totally went on and on!What the heck do I do!?!Ive already told him these things.How more blunt can I be!I say,will you please rub my back?My spine and shoulders are killing me(I have back problems)Sometimes he just ignores me!Then he will have the nerve to ask for me to rub his back so he can drift off to sleep,meanwhile Im absolutely nauseated by the pain in my spine!

I just dont do it now.I straight up say no way!

I couldnt imagine the thought of him cheating........
Hes not that kind of man.Hes a good man with good values.I think he would just tell me he didnt wanna be with me anymore.

Plus,I would really change the appearance of his happy little guy!!!!!LOL!!!!!
Im the one running and pushing away because I just cant have you know what like that thinking of how 5 min. ago he couldnt rub my back cuz he was sleepy!

Well,thats better.I feel better now........

Sorry for raving like a lunatic girls.

Whether you are a stay at home mom or a mom that works outside of the home, keeping up a home with children is a full time job. For any husband to think that it is the "wife's job" needs to be better informed. Seriously, it has taken almost 10 years for my husband to start helping out on a regular basis and now that he does things flow much smoother. I had to about have a nervous breakdown for this to happen but now at least he is consistant and that helps me be consistant and the house has stays decent.

Brandilyn - I completely can relate to you about the intellectual stimulation. It's strange to me that this would even be such a need for some reason, but I too crave it. Don't feel bad for letting out your feelings....you go girl! This is where you should be able to do it and at least feel a little bit better. Some of what you are going through should be taken seriously though or it could bring further distance between the two of you ya know? Some how he needs to hear you but also be willing to LISTEN to what you are saying. Guys are great at pretending they are listening to you and they walk away never intending to change. They think you just needed to vent but what they don't realize is that it is way more than venting. There are real feelings and emotions involved that need to be taken into consideration. Much love to ya sis!

YES, it does bother me that when my husband comes home from working out of town that all he cares about is that the house is not spotless and there is not enough food in the house!!

Uh... excuse me but I am busy working full time and being a single parent. Does it look like I sit around and watch soaps while eating bon bons??!!! ;)

it seems this is universal - whether you are add or not. men want women to work a 40 hour week and still be the perfect housekeeper.

i know mine does. and dinner on the table every night at 6:00 pm. i think i need to take an extended vacation. from him.

and yes, i love my husband too. but really. he works hard, but not as many hours as i do and he is his own boss. if he doesn't feel like doing it, he doesn't have to.

and the constant refrain is: "what if i just didn't pay the electric bill some day." yada yada.

what if i don't feel like _____. oh yeah! we did that. he flipped out, told me i needed to talk to somebody and he wouldn't talk to me until i did. "somebody" told me i was fine. he was nuts. and i still need a vacation.

the age-old battle. we got equality in the work force. now we need more of same at home.

i got rid of my husband for all the reasons that you ladies complain about yours.

i'm almost 48 years old, perimenopausal and no longer willing to put up with people who cause me emotional discomfort or pain. it's not a matter of compromise when a wife is expected to accept that the husband disregards her clearly stated needs but expects his own needs to be satisfied. it's selfish, unthinking, and even cruel behaviour. to me, it means that the husband doesn't even consider his wife to be a human being worthy of consideration. i don't know how some men grow up to be like this but they are totally bad news for women.

living in a situation where the other person consistently disappoints is so wearying and burdensome.

i'm free! i can breathe!

fortunately my children are adults. he was not their father. we were only married for four and a half years. i realize that women who are living with the fathers of their young children are more or less trapped by comparison to my own situation. i raised my children as a single parent since they were in diapers. so i understand how difficult that is as well.

Sunnyside that was great!!SolitaryBee,I have thought the exact same thing!Its like,your not human to them.Like,your discomfort means nothing....
Sometimes the feeling of a lesser person,low on his totum.
We actually touched on this topic tonight.We were watching Nanny911.He really has started trying to edgucate himself on being a sucessful couple.I told him I need more than watching T.V. and that being our quality talk time.

If I know him,he will have to really push himself to do this but Im sure he will eventually.Thank God for Dr.Phil!We watched it today together.It was about how hard of a job being a mom is and how the fathers can help and make the family stronger.It was great!!!!!

He wants to learn,I can see it.Its just hard breaking old habits.But,I do know one thing......

I know for a fact and even told him that I would never be able to be with him if he didnt open up and show simple respect,kindness and care for me and my feelings and weather or not I felt comfortable or happy or sad.
I couldnt live in a world like that.Life is too short.
I congradulated him on the things that he has done great progress on and what we together need to work on.

We as women have so many roles to play and shoes to fill,its overwhelming!Husband and wives should be pillars for each other to lean on equally.
No matter what the job is.
I know I notice a huge diffrence in my kids when we work together as a team and he gets off his butt and interacts instead of watching sports center!!!!!

It is truly universal Pembroke,you said it.

Whoop...Whoop...Whoop...Whoop! Male has entered the thread.

I am so sorry a lot of you have to deal with this. :( Not all men are this way. Women shouldn't have to feel like they have more than one job, if they choose to persue a career. Society will have to give it some more time. If you look at the timeline, the late 1960's early 1970's was when the equality issues were at their strongest. The women during this time were just starting to follow careers, but still raise children. These children are now having or have kids themselves. Hopefully, as generations progess the concept of "housewife" and "it's the woman's role to do the housework" will disappear.

If you have male children, educate them and get them to take on responsibilities around the house. Then when they grow up, maybe their wives will not have to carry the title and workload of "housewife".

Not to gloat, but I view the roles around our house as equal. I will load and unload the dishwasher, run the vacuum cleaner, clean the toilets, take out the trash, do the laundry and take our youngest son to pre-school in the morning. I do it because I am just as responsible for these things as my wife. That's what a partnership should be. Of course, this is how I was raised too. There will be things that one spouse will be better at then the other and it will make sense for that person to handle that task exclusively. But it is also important for that person to update their partner on what was decided or ask for an opinion before making a decision.

Sorry for the rant.

Whoop...Whoop...Whoop...Whoop! Male has left the thread. All is clear now. :D

TIMH - I liked the whooops and all in between! lol

I burst out laughing!!!!!I could almost hear you whooping!I knew you were doing your male war call!LOL!!!!!
I agree,I have a 7 year old stepson and Im teaching him things his mom nor his father take the time or effort to.Im putting some SOUL in the boy!LOL!!!!
Tonight Matt played with the girls and really enjoyed himself,it made me so happy!I wish the world could have stopped,it was going in slow motion.
My heart felt like it would burst with happiness!
A good hour he spent.Then I saw him tucking the girls in and he was having a REAL talk with my 4 year.
About fantasy things,he as a boy and how much he loved her and her sister.It was the most I could ever ask for.

Really,I think that means more to me than anything else.
Ill sweep the floor.Ill do the dishes.Ill do anything.Having a close,loving father figure is so important to me for my baby girls.

I told him a long time ago,You need to be a strong,kind,loving and understanding yet firm figure for them or they will be looking for a daddy there whole life.Settling for any man who acks as though they want them or shows any signs of affection.You DONT want them to be like that,I was that girl.I got real lucky but real hurt along the way.

I think it may have lit the bulb that was burnt out in his head.You should have seen the smile on my daughters face!Pure radiance.Sunshine.

GEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ,never mind!Hes becoming a ape again!!!!!!WOW!!!This time it lasted a whole week!GOODY GOODY GUMDROPS!
Oh well,theres always next month!

I did what Solitary Bee did--fired him. As I read your post, Brandilyn, and your vent post, I just wanted to reach through my monitor to hug you. I have felt those things. I was a stay at home mom for many, many years. I'm grateful for the time I had with my children during that time, but I'm also happy to be working outside the home now. They're seeing Mom on both sides of the issue.

I know that for me, therapy helped a great deal. If the other half won't go...go yourself. I finally got to the point where I went no matter what, for my own sanity. I was tired of living in fear that he would find the housework not up to par, or whatever other criticism would be hurled my way to justify his neglect. I shopped around, so to speak, til I found a therapist who understood that I was very serious about getting my life and my self to a healthier place, and was willing to help me with having small children/no childcare. Her office had several other therapists in it as well, and they had a huge area of their practice geared toward entertaining children. Sometimes, for my hour session, the secretaries would take turns watching my three children. It was life saving for me.

I wish you nothing but the best! (that goes for the rest of you, too)

I didnt realize that so many of us have put up with that sexist crap!I thought it was just me and my low self esteem issues due to ADD.
It never really mattered when it was just me but when he does that to my girls I freak.Its like this little demon in me who has hidden and the only time it comes out is when its a matter of my girls.

Last night he came home after his mom called him and apologized.Ya know,it loses its meaning after a while.I guess she chewed out his butt!She says she dosnt know where he gets that sexist,careless attitude.
I know.he has no respect for women because his mom was a drunk who lived reclessly and bounced from man to man and had 3 children by 3 fathers.None married her.The girl she gave up for adoption(which was the most responsible decision she could have made)
She has been with her boyfriend for 25 years now,open most of the time.Now exclusive.That has alot to do with his attitude towards things Im sure!

Ill push through.Hopefully I can teach him a few things.He is already so diffrent than our first year of marriage.
Together 7 married 5.
Thank you sunshine!I get so much support from you all.I think thats why he dosnt like me on the puter!LOL!!!!Its true!

Gosh!Im so sorry I totally went on and on!What the heck do I do!?!Ive already told him these things.How more blunt can I be!I say,will you please rub my back?My spine and shoulders are killing me(I have back problems)Sometimes he just ignores me!Then he will have the nerve to ask for me to rub his back so he can drift off to sleep,meanwhile Im absolutely nauseated by the pain in my spine!
Men forget easily and unfortunately need to be asked to do something because no matter how much females in general (not just adders) would like them to remember nice things to do for their gfs or wives on a regular basis.. it takes a lot of asking the same thing over and over in a non-nagging way and a lot of being very appreciative every single time they do it.. hard lesson. still learning. ;)

My husband never says anything about the house being messy. He doesn't have to because I'm usually beating myself up over it first. I learned in therapy that most of my stress and problems are because of the standards I impose on myself. I just blame other people....LOL! I will walk in the house and start apologizing for the mess in the kitchen and he will say something like "it's fine" or "I never said a word" and I say "you don't have to, I know that your thinking it". I drive the man crazy!!! If I didn't wash white clothes, for example, and he needs socks, he will just go to the store and buy more before he'd ask me...LOL! I'm very lucky to have him. What does really get me is that he thinks I should do ALL of the care for our child. Now that he's getting older though it's gotten a lot better.

I feel like a little kid in trouble!LOL!!!!!!

Lord!!!!!Its worse now!!I seriously dont know if I can go through another day without wanting,urging,longing to knock him out!
One good one,thats all I need!One clean shot.......

He is a pig.I know thats harsh but I have come to some conclusions......

I made a list of things that I dont respect about him and some I do..........

Honestly,I really tried.I searched and racked my brain for something honorable he has done for me and the girls.....
There wasnt one...I was so sad.

It made me think,what in the world would let me take abuse like this from a man just to feel like I wasnt alone or that someone wanted me.A father figure of sorts.

But,a father cloths,feeds,and cares for the health and well being of their family.My husband dosnt....

He says I "should"be able to feed a family of 4 sometimes(actually alot because he spends more time running for his sons mother taking him to baseball anbd babysitting,which he never asks me!)5!!!!Get this,brace yourself...150.00...

I know,it sound moronic hu?I just think less of him more and more every day.I have had the same clothes for 7 years.The same shoes,make up(cuz I dont wear it,only when I have a adderall break out).

He on the other hand buys shoes,pants whatever he WANTS!!!!He has never bought one stitch of clothing for his daughters and on top of that none of thir medical bills.
He still has the audasity to gripe about it!I know,its too much!
Espacially when he was golfing 2 times a week last year!What the hell is he thinking!???Now,he realizes because I stopped doing the checkbook lastyear because of it.I would write checks for diapers,grocery and the check would bounce.But,he,took his buddy to eat at Charlstons!!!

This is typical behavior for him.Always has,I just never was bothered before due to my ADD.Now,I cant stand it.I keep trying to look on the sunnyside but all good has been covered by hate and discust.

Taking the babies snacks,leaving them with nothing!!!How dare he!He didnt even buy them.My parents buy all clothes,diapers doc visits and allergy inj. bills!Always have.

While he sits back,smokes pot and lays in bed the minute he gets home from work!
He will not watch the children,even if stepson is there!I cant even take a bath.Last time I got out my 2 year was naked,peeing on the floor and had put my purse in the sink!!!

He was laying in bed....Oh,Im sorry.I forgot to check.What the hell!!!!!She could have gotten electricuted,ran outside or God knows whatelse.

He dosnt even bother to see if she is thirsty!Tonight,he fixed the kids their plate (I was striking fro his no help attitude!We have his hyperactive son too!)He got the 4 and the stepson their water and left lulu with none!

She kept trying to take her sisters!I looked at him and said,Im really sick of you making shortcuts with the baby!She needs to drink too!!!!

I hate him!!!He actually layed in bed at 4 p.m. today and didnt get up except to smoke and go pee!It was chaos!His son is to hard for me to handle.He is so A.D.HHHHHHHHHHD that I have to coach him on playing and interacting with family.No screaming when talking,dont walk by the fridge and grab magnets and throw them,dont kick a soccerball in my house!Remember,dont hit tor grab and wrestle the baby girl!

Its constant,I cant take it anymore!He is uncaring.Seen not heard.I dont know what to do anymore,Im not that insecure little girl anymore and he is still a using,sexist selfish ahole!

I never really saw it like this before.
So sorry for the long post,I just wish he would go away for a while and come back a real husband and father.

I encourage you to seek counseling through a domestic violence women's group. As I have mentioned elsewhere in the forums, this is an anonymous service, and you do not have to live in the shelter to qualify for the counseling. It's also free.

Brandilyn, in a lot of ways, you are ME five plus years ago. Counseling helped me get to a healthier place where I could make a careful, thought-out decision about the short and long term best interests of my children and myself.

Take care, Cynde

My opinion on all these posts? I know I wasn't asked for it, but it is 50/50 and it should always be that way and as long as both parties want it that way, then it will be fine. If you are wanting help in the relationship, you should definitely sit down and talk with your husbands. Even if he does get mad, it's time you put your foot down and tell him like it is. Just because you get married, have kids, and take on more responsibilities, it shouldn't change the way you feel about each other. Open communication is the key..and if you feel you can't do it, then you've got a major problem : )

We ended up having a blow up!Long time comin'.....
Does it really seem like hes abusive to me?My mom says that Im always nervous trying to hurry before he gets home(thats when shes at my house)looking out the door and walking around trying to pick up.
It bothered her too.She said I looked tired,frail and she could see it in my eyes somethings wrong with us.

She said your house is clean,the girls are clean and pretty,you have nothing to rush around about!
Hetried to start bossing her around too!She told him in front of me,"You just shut up and sit down!I dont need you telling me how or when I am leaving!Im visiting,brought a roast and hanging up blinds in Lillis big girl room!

It was so funny!!!!I wish Icould put him in his place like that!!!!!My dad was hanging blinds.There was only a sheet!He dosnt even furnish his own home for his children!!!!!

We can afford to but he dosnt see it as a priority.They bought me some pretty clothes and comforters for the girls.
It makes me feel sooooooooooo bad.........
I told them I wish that they could feel like Matt would buy clothes and other essentials for us instead of them feeling that they have to care for me at 29!!!!

They said they dont mind and I deserve it.So nice.

My stepson verbally and physically abused my 4 year this weekend.It was a constant!I listened and watched out of his view.....he is a deceptive,mean spirited little demon!

My hubby says,kids are kids.NO!!!!Kids are not kids!We are adults,they have to be trained!!!!!!!!You dont allow picking,hitting or anything else!He is 7!!!!!!She is 4!Plus,he dosnt live with us and he is definetely raised in a uncontrolled or supervized environment.

Gosh,Im just gonna stop now.
Really,maybe I could take a peek at the forum.Abused?I never thought of myself that way.........
But then again,Im always complaining about him,sad and feeling disrespected.

I told him yesterday we need council,from someone,anyone.As long as they are impartial.
He is all for it.But we will see.......

Brandilyn,
Counseling has worked for my husband and I. As I mentioned before, he had an affair (I did to he just doesn't know). He's a good man. He's a teacher, helps out at church, etc. I left him while I was pregnant with my little one, and he just about had a nervous break down. He would sleep in front of my moms house, and all kinds of stuff. He said that no matter what he did, it was always wrong. He just didn't even wanna try anymore. We went to counseling, and put everything on the table, we made lists, cried, yelled, and then took baby steps at getting back together. I really think you should look into it. I don't think your being abused, but your situation could be better. I KNOW how hard it is. I'm 31 and my mom still comes over to help me clean up. I don't care, I would do it for my kids too.

Anna