...and I'm not 100% sure why. I suspect it is money related but I've not made any large, irresponsible impulse buys recently. She is more often than not quite patient and understanding (I think it's when she remembers that I don't do these things simply to spite her) but sometimes I apparently push her over the edge. It will get better again, I'm sure, we love each other. But for now she wants space I guess. It sure is disheartening knowing you're making your spouse angry and don't know why.

Craig

As a nonADD person, I'm a little reticent to say "you push her...".

Its more like she has had a frustration response to the impact of a behaviour that is unsatisfying for her in some way.

My ADD friend (yes, back to friends again, happily) sometimes has behaviours that I find unsatisfying, even though I intelluctually understand he ABSOLUTELY doesn't do it deliberately, and he has also been generous enough to discuss it with me frankly.

And even though I realize it's not his fault and he would much prefer NOT to have the behaviour, and that he cares for me very much, and that he doesn't mean it, when I am alone and impacted by the behaviour and my needs aren't being met, my mind will start to suggest something a nonADD person would mean by that behaviour and it does play with my head.

What I'm saying, if not very clearly, is that the trust and understanding, empathy, intellectual acceptance and clinical and personal knowledge will eventually come in conflict with how the situation starts to "feel", no matter what I do.

What I think is so superb about my friend is that we both understand that my frustration is as inevitable as his unintended behaviour and we just try to ride it out and manage it as best as possible.

I think I hate becoming frustrated about as much as he hates finding out his behaviour was frustrating.

I hope this reduces your disheartenment at least a little.

cs

PS, my own unsatisfying behaviours were not part of this discussion, but there are always 2 sides.;)

Dear Craig,

Sometimes the special lady in our life and we husbands need to establish agreements...
That is a plan for these times when communications are difficult. I was married to a non ADHD person, after a few of the episodes you discribed I learned a technique that helped. Ask her to write down what it is she is upset about and why, put it in an envelope. When she is ready to discuss it give it to you and before you open it set a time, date and place to discuss. What this does, at least for us is allows you to hear her out without interruption. It allows you to see, hopefully understand her perspective. Then when you do discuss it, the emotion is gone, the objectivity is there and you sir perhaps can share a plan to avoid this type of possible disagreement or behavior. Remember we ADHD/ADD people are impulsive and normally READY FIRE AIM, rather than Ready Aim Fire, from Dr. Ed Hollowells "Driven to Distraction". If we have a pre-plan on a subject, agreement, plan, many times we can avoid conflict and still be effective in communication on various behaviors or events as we will know what is expected or how we have agreed to handle this in the future.

I hear ya, Craig.

My wife gets mad at me all the time. Sometimes I know why. Sometimes I know why she's mad, but not why she's mad about it... And sometimes I just don't get it.

Part of it is just a guy thing. Part of it is because we are from totally different cultures (American -- me and Japanese -- her). Part of it is because of the ADD, not doubt about it.

Craig, I'm right there with you. My wife gets upset with me over my lack of control with money and my inability to pay attention to her for more than ten minutes at a time.

I have several posts in the relationships forum under "having trouble since meds" I believe it actually was moved to treatments or medications.....Anyway....I understand as it would seem we both are in hot water with the other half.

Lately, I, too have not been able to figure out exactly what I am doing wrong....but I can tell you that I am doing something to bring her to tears every night.

I think, for me atleast, it will get better as we adjust the type and amount and timing of the Meds.

Hang in there, get her to hang in there, I believe it will get better.

Craig,

We men many times get too comfortable with our relationships, we sometimes forget to consider others, our spouse, our children. With ADd/ADHD wow can we really miss. Communication, understanding, Trust & love are the foundations for acceptance, even when we have our short commings. Craig you seem like a good man with a good heart, certainly one who loves his wife. I am glad you shared your thoughs and feelings. I just wanted to express my support for you and best wishes in resolving this issue.

Kaikona

not to take the focus off of men, but i am the adder, my husband is not.

90% of the time i have no idea why on earth he is mad at me; after all, when he does the same thing to me (i.e. move my stuff, hide things on me, throw things out) i do not lose my cool, blow my top, or anything.

i just shake it off and get on with my life. even my daughter has noticed that i react totally differently to the same things that cause him to be raving mad.

maybe it is just the difference between add and not....

Hey all, thanks. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one.
We did finally talk, and it seems the *way* I said something was what really upset her. All I remember was being frustrated with myself because I was so sure I had told her something, and she said I hadn't. Money was involved of course, unexpected (but not irresponsible) purchase of things she didn't think we needed. But it makes perfect sense to me. Sigh.

She is trying very hard to be supportive, I know. And if she wasn't paying the bills or grocery shopping we would sit home in the dark with nothing to eat except tortilla chips and salsa waiting to be evicted. We compliment each others skills and shortcomings pretty well, but still drive each other nuts on occasion.

Communication, Understanding and Trust. Very good, very important. Why are they such a challenge at times?

Thanks again all,

Craig

I think the culture clash may be a part of it. Us ADDers often have serious difficulties with subtle social graces, because we are usually too distracted to notice them. This usually means that people have to be direct and forward for us to be able to focus and listen to what they have to say. Meanwhile, Japanese culture puts a premium on subtle social graces. For example, in Japan it is rude to say "no" to someone directly. Part of the problem may be that your wife has difficulty communicating with you because she is not used to the direct, often rude manner in which those of us with ADD sometimes need to be addressed to get out attention, and you are not used to having to look for important subtle clues.

I say this because my mother was raised in Japan, although not of Japanese ancestry, and my father, like myself, is very ADD. It is really easy to see both sides get very frustrated when this causes difficulty communicating.

Part of the problem may be that your wife has difficulty communicating with you because she is not used to the direct, often rude manner in which those of us with ADD sometimes need to be addressed to get out attention, and you are not used to having to look for important subtle clues.
We've been married 11 years, and my wife lived in the US for 6 years before we were married. So she is fairly used to American ways, and my ways (and vice versa).

Still, for the first few years there were lots of clashes. Not over the big things -- those you expect -- but over the little things, the things that you don't find in the books. One example was I had this habit of eating one thing on my plate at a time. First the potatoes, then the meat, then the veggies, etc. That is extremely rude in Japan. But I doubt you will find a culture book telling you that.

But to be honest, having these differences has made things more interesting -- and that's important for us ADDers!

There are also differences in how the cultures see the roles of the husband, wife, mother, father, child, etc. But we have kind of learned to make our own rules in those respects.

I've tried to hold my curiosity but at the risk of diverting the thread, I must ask why is rude to eat one thing on your plate at a time in Japan???

(btw the order goes: veggies, potatoes, meat)

I've tried to hold my curiosity but at the risk of diverting the thread, I must ask why is rude to eat one thing on your plate at a time in Japan???
A traditional meal in Japan is arrayed like a solar system; a bowl of rice at the center, and orbited by various other dishes, each on their own plate/in their own bowl.

Generally you should take bites from each of your dishes, alternated with shovelfuls of rice from the rice bowl.

If you neglect a certain dish, it means that you don't like it; and that is rude to the person who made the dish. It is also rude because it breaks the rules of the eating ritual; kind of like slurping your soup in Western countries.

(btw the order goes: veggies, potatoes, meat)
I'll try to keep that in mind!

quote "If you neglect a certain dish, it means that you don't like it; and that is rude to the person who made the dish. It is also rude because it breaks the rules of the eating ritual; kind of like slurping your soup in Western countries."

Eating one thing at a time was considered rude at my house too. For the above reasons, plus appearing to prefer one dish over all others slights the cook's selection of dishes. There is no Japanese connection in my family!

Sorru, not really on topic, other than showing the differences that any two people would have.

Fortunately (or unfortunately!) for me, my husband is fairly direct when I am being annoying...

I was deleting some of my subscribed threads :eek:, when I discovered more of this thread.

A traditional meal in Japan is arrayed like a solar system; a bowl of rice at the center, and orbited by various other dishes, each on their own plate/in their own bowl.

Generally you should take bites from each of your dishes, alternated with shovelfuls of rice from the rice bowl. Balance and harmony? Makes perfect sense to me.

My wife gets mad at me all the time. Sometimes I know why. Sometimes I know why she's mad, but not why she's mad about it... And sometimes I just don't get it.

Part of it is just a guy thing. ..... Part of it is because of the ADD, not doubt about it.
Uminchu took the words right out of my mouth...

I hate it when I hurt my wife because I didn't see what she saw. Sometimes I'm totally oblivious to the hurt I caused her because, to me, it was no big deal. I can be a dork at times but thank God she still loves me!

Eric

Time for a new wife??:)

just kidding...this thread was calling for a jackass "new wife" comment ;)

Oh my, the Japanese restaurant owners must have a good laugh when I go for supper there!!!

I'll try it out next time...i'm def used to order in eating...:eek:


A traditional meal in Japan is arrayed like a solar system; a bowl of rice at the center, and orbited by various other dishes, each on their own plate/in their own bowl.

Generally you should take bites from each of your dishes, alternated with shovelfuls of rice from the rice bowl.

If you neglect a certain dish, it means that you don't like it; and that is rude to the person who made the dish. It is also rude because it breaks the rules of the eating ritual; kind of like slurping your soup in Western countries.


I'll try to keep that in mind!

My wife used to trip out when we lived in the States, and we'd go to a Japanese restaurant and they'd bring us our miso soup before the meal.

In a Japanese meal it comes together with the rice and "side dishes," or in some fancy course-type meals it might come toward the end.

So I think they have definitely adapted to American ways... Besides the fact that most of the restaurant staff were Chinese, at least in the SF bay area.

whiteraven: You have a good point that these types of customs aren't unique to Japan. These things are never so cut and dry. I know lots of Americans who take off their shoes before entering their homes, for example. That's the norm in lots of parts of Hawaii, in fact.

But if you had guests over, I doubt you would start clearing away untouched dishes if the guest was eating one dish at a time. :) That's because you recognize your family norms as just that, rather than a universal norm.

Just like Japanese take off their shoes when entering a home, but realize Westerners generally don't, so won't get angry if a Westerner forgets to take off their shoes when entering the home. They're more likely to teach them to do so as one teaches a child.

When you think it is a universal norm, and people don't adhere to it, is when trouble can brew.