I obsess over other women I wish I could be like. I HATE IT. I always see or meet women who are attractive, successful, etc. I wish I could be like them so much that I don't know who I am. For example, this successful woman I know who is a dedicated mother, teacher, and wife told me that long hair is sexy, and men like women with long hair. I've been trying to grow my hair out for years. I don't even take care of it, but because she said that I don't want to touch it. I know it sounds crazy. I feel crazy. What do I like? What kind of hair styles, clothes, or jewelry do I like? I don't know.

Ann,

Long hair is sexy...to some men. Some men prefer short hair, blonde hair, red hair etc.
Some men prefer women with large breasts and some prefer small. Some men don't prefer a woman at all! Get my point? The woman that told you that is full of it. You are not crazy!! You just need to find yourself. I have been told many times by many people that I have the prefect life, perfect body, perfect husband. Even by own sisters! The funny thing is I'm the most insecure woman I know. I have major body image issue's and low self esteem. It amazes me that people don't see that side of me more often. My psych teacher once told me that the qualities we admire in others are the same qualities we have in ourselves and thats why we admire them them so much. You never know what goes on inside of other people or behind closed doors. A lot of what we show to other people is just a persona. When I first started therapy I didn't know what I liked, what my goals were, or what I wanted because I always let other people decide for me. You have to make yourself try new things to find out what you like or dislike. Do things that make you feel better about yourself. Start exercising, buy some new clothes, new hair do. There is nothing wrong with asking for help with your hairstyle or wardrobe. I suck at picking out "cool" clothes so I usually ask a friend of mine who I think does have a good sense of fashion to come a long and help find what works for me. Take the qualities you admire of these women and let it inspire and challange you to improve yourself. Don't be afraid to ask them things like, how do you stay so organized or who does your hair or whatever the case may be. Having nice hair or an organized life (just examples) takes work. These women didn't just wake up one day and it happened. You see, the difference between me and my sister is she settled or she gave up. I didn't....I may have a low self esteem but it's been way lower. I'm a work in progress. I'm in therapy and have been for years to work on my issues. I challenge myself to do better and be better. Please tell me more about yourself. What do you like best about yourself? What are you good at? Don't say I don't know either. You can think of atleast one thing. You are a wonderful person, please stop comparing yourself to others and start taking care of yourself!!!

I used to do this too. My therapist calls it ruminating. Juuuust like the cow, bringing up some half-digested blob of food to chomp on it some more, we find something to obsess about and the obsess it to death.

casinowife has some excellent suggestions; what I'm suggesting here is another way of looking at what you're doing. Look at it as faulty wiring--your brain insists on digging up these insecurities over and over again. Therapy can help, meds can help. Stopping yourself when you get fired up again--reminding yourself that this is faulty brain synapses, not reality--can also help put some distance between this problem and who you are as a person.

Hi Ann. Read this.


"The most common despair is.....not choosing, or willing, to be oneself."...........

A warning from Kierkegaard...

"......but the deepest form of despair is to choose to be another than oneself."



Listen....don't you see? This is how we hurt the 'one' we love. The one that shouldn't hurt at all. Our Self. So be still, little lady, and know who you are. Okay?

Self loathing...it's something women do, and why?
Such a waste of time...I am missing a moment of my life for every "I wish I were like her" thought that has ever dared to intrude my thinking.

You are a beautiful creature put into this world by nature....just like the little birds.
You have color and music and spirit....don't give it up to some image you have of what you think you "should" be. Because the image is an illusion.

It might sound like I'm being sassy with you, but trust me. I'm not suggesting that there isn't a place for hair, fashion, and make up if it's going to help you wake up your inner beauty. But the transformation has to take place from within.
It's not long hair that makes you sexy....sweet girl.

~gourmet~

This advice helps me as well, ann74....my prob is a bit bigger and more psychotic than yours i think...but it helps. **if u want to know my prob u can ask me...it would take up wayy to much space explaining though ;-)

Aero6Angel.....Please share if your comfortable with it. I'm interested in what you have to say.

Aero6Angel.....Please share if your comfortable with it. I'm interested in what you have to say.
WELL once upon a time in ashleyland.....my husb (Ryan) and I have been married for only 7 months, but we have been together for about 7 years. im 22 yrs old btw. ((lol side note, we got married because he needed health insurance after quitting his job!!!!!)) anyways, i love him sooooo much, but i have a humungous problem with watching movies where they show nudity. the ones i dislike THE MOST are ones that are only pg-13 (which i cant believe....i thought pg-13 back in the day didnt show that stuff.) anyway, ones where girls are showing their ** all the time and all up in the camera and everything. i get very fumed when i watch with my husband because i feel like im not as good looking as that naked person on tv. and heres the other half of this explaination. for i dont know how long (nad i hope i really never know) ryan looks and watches p*rn that he downloads on the computer, burns on cds and hides them all over the place. this makes me SOOOO insecure and i can feel the "flames of anger" rising up into my throat as i write this. he says that im being too prude and insecure with myself and that he always mentions it to his friends boy or girl and that they dont have that problem. hes never cheated on me, but i have brought up my feeling of p*rn=cheating. he doesnt care. It helped for about 3 yrs when we didnt have the internet. although i found some cd-rs he kept and crushed them with my hands (which hurts, dont do that. now that we were able to afford the internet, i am obsessed with looking all over the house and in the computers(hacking into all the folders it could possibly have) to see if he has any. he has about 300 cd-r with mp3s on them. i always think he has mislabeled them on purpose like usual. i still havent found any. whenever i bring it up he yells at me. so we cant really talk about it. this is usually the argument we have every weekend and i get very angry with him for no reason and i have hit him a couple of times when he wont listen to what i have to say. just like a punch on the leg or arm, not his face--he said he would hit me back, which he never does. *%*ALL IN ALL *%* TO SUM UP I just dont like him seeing naked women because it makes me very insecure and i do not really wish i looked like them i just have it in my head that RYAN wishes i looked like them. oiy, that was alot. i hope u understand what i wrote...like what many here have said...i tend to skip important words to make everything make sense. blah. ok THE END. :-)

Thats funny,I react diffrently to the "naked women on T.V. thing".I get mad.I have to leave.I get so discusted(unless its something tasteful or artsy)then I can manage.Ill even be interested.
But something my hubby would watch on HBO really makes me want to strangle those girls for being so easy....

Tonight,my hubby and I were talking about the fonz from happy days.He said he thought he was the coolest when he would watch when he was little.
I said I remember being a very young girl,really a little girl and thinking how angry I got at those girls that ran to his side when he snapped his fingers!!!

He thought that was a strange reaction.I know off subject,but it all comes from the same place.At least I think so.
Insecurity of sorts maybe???

brandilyn, i leave too when that stuff comes on. i cant stand it and yes i want to strangle a few of those easies as well. :-)

First, I realized when I was in my early 20's that I had been trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be, which was so totally confusing bc they didn't all want me to be the same thing & so I decided that I would be what & who I wanted to be & if they didn't like it they could do to h**l & wait.

I'm 52 now, & it's only been in recent yrs that I really know who I am.

Now about your hubby, it sounds to me like he is addicted to porn. He knows how you feel about this & how deeply & serious you feel it & he is also aware of how much he is hurting you by continuing it, thats why he hides it. He may not even be aware of how it is affecting him or he could be aware of it & just not care. By the way I don't believe that everyone else he tells about your reaction to the porn doesn't see where the problem is, the men maybe, but not all of the women. And to me if you are in the bedroom waiting for him becaise you want to Make Love & he is choosing the porn on the computer over you...that is being cheated on.

I Hope I didn't offend you by what I said about your hubby, but No One should have to tolerate being told they aren't what someone wants, or aren't good enough, ect especially by a Husband or Wife.
BlessedLady

Angel, I don't think your reaction to your husband's porn is psychotic at all. Your reaction to PG-13 movies is a little much. I think the porn is just a symptom of the bigger problem in your marriage. Your husband continues to hurt you by doing the one thing you hate the most, and if that wasn't enough he belittles you and makes you think there is something wrong with you by calling you names like prude and insecure. Then he has the nerve to bring friends into your personal problems. Tell him he's married to you not your friends so their opinion doesn't count. It shouldn't matter why you don't like porn, it bothers you and you asked him stop and that alone should be enough for him. He wouldn't feel the need to hide it if he didn't think it was wrong. I will have to finish later!

no offending done here....i just wish there was a cure for that addiction.

Just a thought from another side completely....whatif instead of rejecting it, you became more involved in it?

Wacky idea maybe, but I thought I'd put it out there to mull over.

If I had a problem with my partner, I might mention it to my key friends or people I could trust, to see if my thoughts/take made sense, but I probably wouldn't tell my partner I did that.

I don't think it's weird that he should do the same, unless he's doing it in an argumentative fashion to get them onside with him against you and to bully you into accepting it in that way, which is definitely not acceptable.

My nonADD 2 cents. I hope he's not doing the latter, though.

cs

It's just like other addictions. There isn't a "Cure" for it like there isn't a cure for being an alcoholic. First you have to admit that you have a problem & that you are powerless over it, ect. This particular problem has come into the "light" so to speak alot lately because of the internet.

I know this sounds really terrible, but what do you think he would do if you started watching & liking, well, appearring to like, what you saw...ie you watch Men, Kinda like, "he can dish it out but how well can he take it ?"
BlessedLady

I use to obsess over different people wishing I could be like that as well, but as I got older that stopped and I'm learning to accept who I am.

I'm getting the impression you have major self esteem issues?? have you thought of counselling or perhaps a grooming course??

I hope something works out for you and you're not alone.
I obsess over other women I wish I could be like. I HATE IT. I always see or meet women who are attractive, successful, etc. I wish I could be like them so much that I don't know who I am. For example, this successful woman I know who is a dedicated mother, teacher, and wife told me that long hair is sexy, and men like women with long hair. I've been trying to grow my hair out for years. I don't even take care of it, but because she said that I don't want to touch it. I know it sounds crazy. I feel crazy. What do I like? What kind of hair styles, clothes, or jewelry do I like? I don't know.

I never stay in therapy long enough to benefit from it. I do have major self esteem issues. I just don't know who I am, if that makes sense. I'm trying hard to figure it out.

I obsess over other women I wish I could be like. I HATE IT. I always see or meet women who are attractive, successful, etc. I wish I could be like them so much that I don't know who I am. For example, this successful woman I know who is a dedicated mother, teacher, and wife told me that long hair is sexy, and men like women with long hair. I've been trying to grow my hair out for years. I don't even take care of it, but because she said that I don't want to touch it. I know it sounds crazy. I feel crazy. What do I like? What kind of hair styles, clothes, or jewelry do I like? I don't know.
Maybe you are just not a material woman? *shrugs* I think that is an excellent quality! :D