I began dating a guy about 9 months ago. We had much in common, enjoyed each other's company, and made plans to continue seeing each other (we see each other a couple times a month as he lives in another state).
Each time we were together, the first 12 hours or so was great. Then, things would start getting to me to the point I felt I was going crazy. After reading many of the posts on this forum, I believe he has classic AH/DH symptoms. Before I continue, let me say I realize I am not without fault and have recognize I have my own problems as well.
Examples:
1. He loses track of time - completely. If I send him to McDonalds for a hamburger, it might be 6 hours before he returns. What happens? He begins talking to people. Makes it another 3 feet, then finds someone else to talk to. He passes the parts store and stops in for a few quarts of oil, meantime someone talks to him about hunting, then he goes to their house to see their new gun or something. This happens nearly everytime he leaves the house. When I mention the time, it doesn't seem to phase him that it's been so long.
2. He has great intentions, but little follow through. I burn propane for heat, so he suggested I use a woodstove. No problem, I have one in the barn, but I'm a single parent working 2 jobs and have little time for cutting wood. He told me he'd get the wood and make sure we were warm. He cut the trees on a neighbor's farm, cut them into stove pieces and that was it. I hauled four loads of wood myself. He visited again and said, "you should have waited for me to do that," I'm thinking like when....next winter? In the meantime, I've split all the wood I can and am thinking "why did I ever go along with this?"
3. He's very defensive and self-centered. Just stating a fact here. There is no such thing as constructive criticism, if I even hint about something that could be better, he blows it out of proportion. I try repeating myself over and over but it's like talking to a wall. He seems to see only one side, and that's his and how it affects him.
4. The lists could go on and on, but I think I'm giving you a pretty good idea of what's happening. He talks constantly when in a crowd, butting into conversations, talking about things no one seems interested in but him, has a very loud voice, etc.
Before this new boyfriend, I was in a 7-year marriage to a very abusive partner. After much therapy I learned to take up for myself and be more assertive. Now, I automatically find myself raising my voice to be heard over his - trying to make him understand what I'm saying - and it ends it a yelling match. And I am not a 'loud' or argumentative person by nature.
On the flip side:
1. He's very demonstrative, but nearly to the point of being suffocating.
2. S-x is great, but I can't keep up!
3. When he 'quiets' down some, he's devoted, caring, washes dishes, folds clothes, you name it.
4. He loves my kids and gets along well with them (but even they retreat to their rooms after a few hours with him).
I mentioned to him that I felt perhaps he might have AD disorder. He laughed. Said he's never heard of it before. Now, when I tell him about something he's forgotten, he jokes and says, "it must that AB disorder or whatever it is you say I've got."
I do care very much for him. After reading many of these posts, I realize I've not given him the 'slack' I probably should have. Seeing all the different symptoms in other posts I often had tears in my eyes, thinking 'that's him!'
Does medication really help? Is there any 'recovery' from this?
I just don't know where to turn. No one I know has a relationship comparable to mine. Sometimes I think I'm just going crazy. Like when he says, "You never told me about that," when I know I did at least 3 times. Or when he talks about the nice things he's going to do for my birthday, and then never even remembers it (it was 2 months ago).
Thanks for reading all this. I'm hanging onto this forum like a lifeline right now.

WARNING: the post below contains advice and information from an ADHD'er. :eek:

Hey Alpine,

Welcome to the forums.

It sounds like your boyfriend has good intentions, he just has a major problem with carry thru. My first bit of advice would be to not only educate yourself but to educate your boyfriend.

If your wanting any kind of long term commitment you'll both have to learn how to work with each other and not against each other. I'm sure your well aware of that already, the problem is probably his attitude and inability to take constructive criticism-am I right?

I wonder if you would have more success letting your boyfriend see for himself that he not only has a lot of the traits; but, see that you can learn how to control or work around certain symptoms of ADD.

If it were myself I think I would sit down and go thru the member testimonials in both ADD and NON-add sections. Save the ones closest to resembling your lives together and apart and the next time he visits share these articles with him. Sometimes it takes smacking into a brick wall to be able to say "hey, thats me!!!! but it doesn't have to be".

Learning to live with ADD and the decision to take meds doesn't mean you lose your core self it only helps you function better and with better functioning comes your ability to take constructive criticism and your self esteem does grow with each new acheivement. :D

I hope some of my suggestions help you and others of the NON-add support group will get to you as soon as they can with helpful advice--they're a good bunch.

Good luck,
Cherity

If he is driving a couple hours to see you, I would suggest getting him "Driven to Distraction" on CD, and ask him to listen to it during the drive.

That book literally changed my life.

Every time I read a post like the one from Alpine, I get paranoid, thinking my wife is posting for the first time ! ! That whole post describes me(pre-diagnosis) with the lone exception of being together 9 months(we've been together 5 years) Everything else fits, so I'm sitting here squirming in my seat, Yes.... I'm a little uncomfortable thinking about what I used to do. Even my wife fits the pattern, having been in an 8 year abusive relationship before me.

What I'm trying to say here without rambling on(I know... too late).....

Alpine, you are not alone. Many have gone down the path your on now ! !
With varying results. Futs' is right about trying to educate both you and your boyfriend. The more you learn about why he does what he does, the less irritated you will be at his behavior. This doesn't mean you need to tolerate it, just understand it.
A healthy relationship has both compassion and boundaries. A difficult balance, but possible. If he is willing to come here and read thru this forum, maybe he will see that the possibility exists that he isn't hopeless. I've been where he is, and even though there were moments of happiness, there were even more of pure frustration.
And now? I see improvements in my life...daily ! ! I wouldn't trade today for yesteryear for anything ! ! ! ! ! !

Thanks so much for your responses. I can't tell you how glad I am to have found this forum. My BF is not a quick reader nor can he use a computer, so I think I'll print a few of the posts and maybe he can read a few that way.

Would you folks recommend I let him read them alone (taking the chance on him forgetting about them....) or together (where he might feel like I'm picking on him)? I just don't know what's best to do anymore. So afraid I'll trigger one of those defensive moods.

I need to read more posts so I'm better prepared to deal with this (thank heavens again for you folks).

You know, at the time, some of his behavior embarasses and irritates the heck out of me. But looking back, I can even see a little humor in some of the situations and thinking maybe I'm a little too uptight -- He took me out to eat at a country cafe. There was only one table available and it hadn't been cleared yet. Instead of patiently waiting (as I'd been taught to do since a kid) ...he began stacking dishes, pouring drinks into one cup versus 8, moving the tip to the end of the table, rearranging the ketsup & condiments, spilling salt, cleaning the table with napkins, etc. I guess my eyes must have been the size of silver dollars when he looked at me and say, "WHAT?"

Now you're getting it...a sense of humour will save you a million times!

You can both learn to laugh with each other and at each other. My ADD friend has had a few laughs at my me-ness, and I've chuckled some at him too.

I have ups and downs, close relationships can be a challenge, but he's really solid gold.

When you get to the point when you want him to read them, why not sit down and ask him which he'd prefer: to read alone or with you? Either way is ok, really. He might like time to absorb them or perhaps would rather talking to you about them right away.

These country cafes can be pretty casual, you're right.

When you talk about slack, yeah, slack/tolerance/acceptance is very cool as long as you arent' feeling that your principles are violated or you are being abused, because that you should definitely not expect to cut slack for.

Glad you found us, keep posting!

crime scene

You know, at the time, some of his behavior embarasses and irritates the heck out of me. But looking back, I can even see a little humor in some of the situations and thinking maybe I'm a little too uptight -- He took me out to eat at a country cafe. There was only one table available and it hadn't been cleared yet. Instead of patiently waiting (as I'd been taught to do since a kid) ...he began stacking dishes, pouring drinks into one cup versus 8, moving the tip to the end of the table, rearranging the ketsup & condiments, spilling salt, cleaning the table with napkins, etc. I guess my eyes must have been the size of silver dollars when he looked at me and say, "WHAT?"

WAIT!!! you mean that's not a good behaviour?

Ok, its either my ADD or the fact that I've known or small town cafe owner and his wife almost all my life and have on occasion worked for them when in a bind.

I not only wipe my own table off before sitting down on busy days but I'll clean it before I leave. I think the furthest I've gone is to take my own order and help cook it, ring it up and pay for it myself while delivering meals and taking orders :rolleyes: during harvest everyone has to work together in a town our size.

I would start in the least offensive manner. Something along the lines of the truth and a dust up. "Hey, hon I just happened on this site and you have to read some of these posts they resemble us in a lot of ways."

If it were myself I'd read them with him or even to him (my husband is a slow reader as well, if I want to share an article I read it to him while he's busy doing something else so it doesn't offend his intelligence-he's very smart, I was just taught to speed read at a young age).

The important thing to remember in every relationship is that no-one is perfect. As you said you may be a little up tight talk about that too. I am always more receptive when my husband allows me to discuss some of his less admirable traits along with my own. Everyone can use improvement, that is what growing is all about.

Whats great about growing and learning now versus later is you two can work towards not only bettering yourselves but have the unique opportunity to grow together hand in hand.

Start small, don't shove him face first into a dx but rather let him read thru posts and see if he doesn't slowly start to realize and see a pattern of behaviours that is common amongst ADD'ers. Let him see for himself how they've dealt with such issues and learned to adapt and use a virtual disability as an ability to make their lives better.

And accept the things that just can't be changed. I will forever be a daydreamer~my husband and I have fought about this time and time again. He's finally realized its something that will never go and something I am not willing to part with so pulls me back to earth during important conversations or events and I do my best to stay focused during those times myself.

Sadly, some people will forever refuse any kind of dx or tx. If he chooses to be one of those individuals you have to make a choice for yourself and your children's sake as to whether you can put up with some of his more irritating behaviours and if the relationship is worth the effort. Either way, we are here to support not only your boyfriend but YOU.

Cherity

The cafe is located in my former home town. He'd never been there before. Just clarifying.

FYI while I wouldn't go as far as taking my own order or helping the other customers I would clean my own table off. I guess I never considered it rude I always felt it would be considered helpful and if you wash your hands after touching other people's dirty utensils what would be the difference then if you worked there? lol