grouchy
10-16-05, 05:14 PM
Not sure how to start this so lets start and let it roll....
As I sit here going through all the years I can remember, I can now see
how things went wrong with me. It started when I was about 14 years old.
My parents got divorced,( For good reasons, Dad liked to drink and not come home for a few days. No abuse but abandoment) My mom and I moved from Ohio to IL leaving my Dad and older brother of 3 years behind. We moved into my aunts house for about a year.
I lived my life as a more typical teenager with a broken family.All my frien ds had broken fams also. My mom soon lost total controll of me. I would stay out
for days at a time. Spend X-Mas at buddies houses while she stayed at home alone. I know, "Mean" right? (I know now.) "sorry mom."
Anyway, I'm 21 now. Living with a buddy and my Girl. After a 6 months
the buddy moved out and Girl and I where there alone. This should be good news right? Wrong. This was the beginning of the end.
Soon after, say about a month work slowed down. And I mean SLOWED
DOWN. This went on for 3 months. There was no way we would recover.
Ended up moving into a older buddies house. He was married with 4 kids. The whole 9 yards. "Phew...perhaps some guidence from a mature person to show me how to survive on my own." "WRONG" This guy was crazier thatn I was.
This lasted for 51 days. ( I know this because his told me how long///LOL)
Lets fast forward a little, You get the picture, I was messed up,
Mom moved out while I was working. Came home to an empty house. All I had to do was pay the mortgage. Lost my apt, due to not paying the mortgage.
Kicked out of the buddies house due to "I'll never know".
My girl and I lived in a small dingy apt. above a 2 car garage for a 2 years.
The girl now became my wife.
We bought a 3 bed range.
Had 2 kids.
Owned a Hardwood flooring company.
Had somewhat of a good relation with my mom and step dad. (she re-married)
10 years married now.
Now starts the REAL TROUBLE;
After living in the 3 bed range for about 5 years I (all of a sudden, what seemed to be over night.) Decided that I didn't want to work anymore.
My wife didnt work due to the company we had. She was fairly busy doing the office work while I did the labor part.
Let me try to explain how I felt during this time...
Isolated in a room full of a million people.
Alone.
Scared to do any public activities.
Fearfull to leave the house.
Confused. Couldn't make any decisions.
Couldnt talk to my wife or kids, do to a lack of interest or attention span.
Couldn't understand questions.
( Wife askes " Why do you love me?" )
( My responce with a dead stare in my face of total isolation" Because.")
VERY,VERY angry with the world.
Everyone was out to get me.
Extremely fusturated with everything.
I was always thinking but never really thinking of anything.
Very jealouse over my wife.
Kids became last on the ladder of life.
Couldnt sleep due to my heart punding so hard it would keep me up.
Took Tylenol PM in order to sleep.
Couldnt sleep in the bed, due to any noise that occured would wake me and my heart would pound and race.
Panic attacks daily. ( every hour or so)
Anxiety attacks( in between the panic attacks)
Scared to be alone.
Scared of the dark.
No interest in ANYTHING at ALL.
Now, during this time of mass confusion in my head. I turned to therapists.
Let's see........ Zoloft,efexor,lithiume, and a few others that didnt do anything.
Doctors all had the same questions and the same comfused look on their faces as to what my problem was.( The Lithiume never was used on me, I walked from that one. I know something was wrong, but I didn't think I needed that!)
I met one counseler that suggested I had ADD.( this led me here)
I didnt get into the treatment before my wife left me.
I came home on Sat. ( 1 month ago) and all her and the kids cloths where gone. I raced to my moms house. ( 3 blocks away) To find her at the kitchen table eating. We went to the garage to talk. I had one of my anxiety attcks and blew up at her. ( only vocally, noything physical)
My mom came out and saig to leave. I then yelled at her for messing me up a then left.
I got home, and BROKE. And I mean BROKE.
Sat at the coffee table with a bottle of sleeping pills, 2 bottle of Zanex.
Sat there and cried ( more like sobbing) Called 911 with 2 things in mind
1) Talk me out of this.
2) Get me help.
911 sent the Ambulance. ( This was the END that started the "New Beginning)
As soon as the paramedics arrived my neighbor from 2 doors down came
running over. I mean she made it in the at the same time as the paramedics did. She was hauling A@#..
She started to beg me to come to her house to talk this out.
I didn't. I ended up going to the hospital. After 3.5 hours of sitting in 1 room
I was released ( with no ride home...LOL) I called my wife. To my surprise
and I MEAN "to my surprise" she came and got me.
I arrived home and wondered over to the nieghbors house to get my sleeping pills back so I could sleep. She handed them over and said "I'll be over tomorrow after you get home.
The next day she in fact came over with a loaf of home made bananna bread and a kind voice. She sat on the couch and stared at me for a minute as I nibbled on the bread. After she took one deep breath she started to
ramble of a bunch of stuff.
" I remeber a time when I myself was scared to leave thew house. I couldn't go to the store for a loaf of bread. I even would yell at people for no reason at all." As she talked my ears started to hear again.I sat there eating and listening. She went on for about 10 minutes with alot of different stories and examples of her emotions and reactions.
I looked at her with water filled eyes," How do I make this go away?"
She smiled and said " I'll show you."
She keft and came back in about 10 minutes with 2 small sandwitch bags filled with what looked to be like pills.
I sat ther silent and staring. She sat back down and and said. "Here."
"These are vitamins. B12, B6, and folic acid. You take 1 of each in the morning,and 1 of ech at bed time. In 2 weeks you are going to feel like a new person. How much coffe do you drink in a day?" she asked.
"Oh about 16-20 cups" I said. Her eyes became as wide as my head.
" You'll gonna need to stop that." She said whiling shaking hera head slowly.
"And how much sugar do you get a day?"
"Oh about 5-12 cans of pepsi a day"
"Hmm.....You'll need to stop that also"
She left again an came back with decaff and splenda.
I almost through her out. " You can NOT be seriouse her lady..I feel like this do to caffiene and sugar?!!!"
"Yep" she replied." You'll see. Give me 2 weeks of devotion and you'll see."
"Fine."
Well, it's been 1 month now. And she was right.
No caffine or sugar for a month ( well the sugar is hard to stay away from but
as long as it's not over dose yaknow..?)
I feel like a new man now. I'm taking care of myself now. I can go to the store, work,public activies. Just ABout anything. ( well almost. The road to recovery is narrow and seemed long. But getting shoter by the day)
Heres how my visits are going with my wifr thus far...
Week 1 was Mcdonalds for an hour. This was to long of a visit and to short of a time seperated. She told me after that visit that it would be her that brought the kids to see me next time.
Weel 2 was McDonalds again, 1.5 hours this time. Went much better.
Relaxing for all 4 of us.
Week 3 went better. We went to Chuck E Cheeses for 3 hours.
She said she had a good time.
Week 4 went even better, All 4 of us went bowling,the park,and Holloween shopping. All this took about 3.5 hours.
Well theres my short story. I need to wipe the tears away now and keep looking forward. I'm told that my wife and kids will be home soon by my wife's actions. But who really knows. She doesn't even know.
Thanks for the ears everyone. I think this little story was more for me
to release a little. I worked.
Thanks a million for the forums!!!!
regards,
EX-grouchy..........
( just notice this is in the wrong catagory. Please correct, thanks)
As I sit here going through all the years I can remember, I can now see
how things went wrong with me. It started when I was about 14 years old.
My parents got divorced,( For good reasons, Dad liked to drink and not come home for a few days. No abuse but abandoment) My mom and I moved from Ohio to IL leaving my Dad and older brother of 3 years behind. We moved into my aunts house for about a year.
I lived my life as a more typical teenager with a broken family.All my frien ds had broken fams also. My mom soon lost total controll of me. I would stay out
for days at a time. Spend X-Mas at buddies houses while she stayed at home alone. I know, "Mean" right? (I know now.) "sorry mom."
Anyway, I'm 21 now. Living with a buddy and my Girl. After a 6 months
the buddy moved out and Girl and I where there alone. This should be good news right? Wrong. This was the beginning of the end.
Soon after, say about a month work slowed down. And I mean SLOWED
DOWN. This went on for 3 months. There was no way we would recover.
Ended up moving into a older buddies house. He was married with 4 kids. The whole 9 yards. "Phew...perhaps some guidence from a mature person to show me how to survive on my own." "WRONG" This guy was crazier thatn I was.
This lasted for 51 days. ( I know this because his told me how long///LOL)
Lets fast forward a little, You get the picture, I was messed up,
Mom moved out while I was working. Came home to an empty house. All I had to do was pay the mortgage. Lost my apt, due to not paying the mortgage.
Kicked out of the buddies house due to "I'll never know".
My girl and I lived in a small dingy apt. above a 2 car garage for a 2 years.
The girl now became my wife.
We bought a 3 bed range.
Had 2 kids.
Owned a Hardwood flooring company.
Had somewhat of a good relation with my mom and step dad. (she re-married)
10 years married now.
Now starts the REAL TROUBLE;
After living in the 3 bed range for about 5 years I (all of a sudden, what seemed to be over night.) Decided that I didn't want to work anymore.
My wife didnt work due to the company we had. She was fairly busy doing the office work while I did the labor part.
Let me try to explain how I felt during this time...
Isolated in a room full of a million people.
Alone.
Scared to do any public activities.
Fearfull to leave the house.
Confused. Couldn't make any decisions.
Couldnt talk to my wife or kids, do to a lack of interest or attention span.
Couldn't understand questions.
( Wife askes " Why do you love me?" )
( My responce with a dead stare in my face of total isolation" Because.")
VERY,VERY angry with the world.
Everyone was out to get me.
Extremely fusturated with everything.
I was always thinking but never really thinking of anything.
Very jealouse over my wife.
Kids became last on the ladder of life.
Couldnt sleep due to my heart punding so hard it would keep me up.
Took Tylenol PM in order to sleep.
Couldnt sleep in the bed, due to any noise that occured would wake me and my heart would pound and race.
Panic attacks daily. ( every hour or so)
Anxiety attacks( in between the panic attacks)
Scared to be alone.
Scared of the dark.
No interest in ANYTHING at ALL.
Now, during this time of mass confusion in my head. I turned to therapists.
Let's see........ Zoloft,efexor,lithiume, and a few others that didnt do anything.
Doctors all had the same questions and the same comfused look on their faces as to what my problem was.( The Lithiume never was used on me, I walked from that one. I know something was wrong, but I didn't think I needed that!)
I met one counseler that suggested I had ADD.( this led me here)
I didnt get into the treatment before my wife left me.
I came home on Sat. ( 1 month ago) and all her and the kids cloths where gone. I raced to my moms house. ( 3 blocks away) To find her at the kitchen table eating. We went to the garage to talk. I had one of my anxiety attcks and blew up at her. ( only vocally, noything physical)
My mom came out and saig to leave. I then yelled at her for messing me up a then left.
I got home, and BROKE. And I mean BROKE.
Sat at the coffee table with a bottle of sleeping pills, 2 bottle of Zanex.
Sat there and cried ( more like sobbing) Called 911 with 2 things in mind
1) Talk me out of this.
2) Get me help.
911 sent the Ambulance. ( This was the END that started the "New Beginning)
As soon as the paramedics arrived my neighbor from 2 doors down came
running over. I mean she made it in the at the same time as the paramedics did. She was hauling A@#..
She started to beg me to come to her house to talk this out.
I didn't. I ended up going to the hospital. After 3.5 hours of sitting in 1 room
I was released ( with no ride home...LOL) I called my wife. To my surprise
and I MEAN "to my surprise" she came and got me.
I arrived home and wondered over to the nieghbors house to get my sleeping pills back so I could sleep. She handed them over and said "I'll be over tomorrow after you get home.
The next day she in fact came over with a loaf of home made bananna bread and a kind voice. She sat on the couch and stared at me for a minute as I nibbled on the bread. After she took one deep breath she started to
ramble of a bunch of stuff.
" I remeber a time when I myself was scared to leave thew house. I couldn't go to the store for a loaf of bread. I even would yell at people for no reason at all." As she talked my ears started to hear again.I sat there eating and listening. She went on for about 10 minutes with alot of different stories and examples of her emotions and reactions.
I looked at her with water filled eyes," How do I make this go away?"
She smiled and said " I'll show you."
She keft and came back in about 10 minutes with 2 small sandwitch bags filled with what looked to be like pills.
I sat ther silent and staring. She sat back down and and said. "Here."
"These are vitamins. B12, B6, and folic acid. You take 1 of each in the morning,and 1 of ech at bed time. In 2 weeks you are going to feel like a new person. How much coffe do you drink in a day?" she asked.
"Oh about 16-20 cups" I said. Her eyes became as wide as my head.
" You'll gonna need to stop that." She said whiling shaking hera head slowly.
"And how much sugar do you get a day?"
"Oh about 5-12 cans of pepsi a day"
"Hmm.....You'll need to stop that also"
She left again an came back with decaff and splenda.
I almost through her out. " You can NOT be seriouse her lady..I feel like this do to caffiene and sugar?!!!"
"Yep" she replied." You'll see. Give me 2 weeks of devotion and you'll see."
"Fine."
Well, it's been 1 month now. And she was right.
No caffine or sugar for a month ( well the sugar is hard to stay away from but
as long as it's not over dose yaknow..?)
I feel like a new man now. I'm taking care of myself now. I can go to the store, work,public activies. Just ABout anything. ( well almost. The road to recovery is narrow and seemed long. But getting shoter by the day)
Heres how my visits are going with my wifr thus far...
Week 1 was Mcdonalds for an hour. This was to long of a visit and to short of a time seperated. She told me after that visit that it would be her that brought the kids to see me next time.
Weel 2 was McDonalds again, 1.5 hours this time. Went much better.
Relaxing for all 4 of us.
Week 3 went better. We went to Chuck E Cheeses for 3 hours.
She said she had a good time.
Week 4 went even better, All 4 of us went bowling,the park,and Holloween shopping. All this took about 3.5 hours.
Well theres my short story. I need to wipe the tears away now and keep looking forward. I'm told that my wife and kids will be home soon by my wife's actions. But who really knows. She doesn't even know.
Thanks for the ears everyone. I think this little story was more for me
to release a little. I worked.
Thanks a million for the forums!!!!
regards,
EX-grouchy..........
( just notice this is in the wrong catagory. Please correct, thanks)