After reading post after post, I felt really upbeat and ready to talk with my boyfriend. Was looking forward to it even. I have a new outlook on ADHD and feel I have a better understanding of why is does what it does. I felt I was prepared.
I wasn't prepared for how upset he got with me. I never raised my voice throughout the whole one-sided coversation (his). I essentially began by telling him I'd been doing a lot of research on AD/HD and that I felt I had a better understanding of what he might be feeling, etc. He burst out in anger. "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than anybody else. Like you're without problems." I quickly told him that yes, I did have problems. And yes, I was glad when my parents realized this early on and took me for treatment (clinical depression). It was as if he heard nothing I'd said as he continued his tirade. He named various people who "know there's nothing wrong with me". In fact, he said no one in his whole life had ever told him there was anything wrong with him except me.
I've been seeing him for about 10 months now and really enjoy his company (most of the time). Now, it seems there will be no relationship unless I agree there's nothing wrong with him -- at this point, I'm 99% sure he suffers from AD. I calmly told him I was just trying to help because I cared for him. More yelling from him. He said he wasn't spending his time in a relationship where people were yelling at each other all the time (I'm not a yeller...he's the one doing the yelling).
It seems that everything I say causes him to react in a defensive manner. Even subtle suggestions cause this type of reaction.
Any ideas or suggestions? I told him, in a quiet, calm voice that I would call him back later tonight. He didn't seem very thrilled with that........
I'm guessing that maybe this relationship is over ------ and just when I was starting to figure out what the problem was!!

"There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than anybody else. Like you're without problems." OK-Maybe your approach was a little off. If someone doesn't percieve a problem, there is precious little anyone can do to convince them otherwise.
At this point, you have to decide if his behavior is tolerable to a long term relationship. The more pressure you apply, the more he'll resist.
You mentioned that you were in therapy in the past, are you able to see this same therapist ? And if so, can you ask him/her if they know anything about ADD/ADHD ? And how to deal with someone who you suspect may live with it ?

If you can't live with the relationship as it stands, you may have to walk away. There is nothing wrong with saying "I cannot live/deal with this situation " There are many people out there that are not compatible, and you have not failed in any way if you fit this category. If in fact he is ADD/ADHD, it would be sad if he cannot see it, and get any help, but you will drive yourself absolutely crazy to stay in any relationship where you feel that you are not being heard.

This is a tough situation, I've been where he is. Not much fun and the bottom line is- There is only so much you can do. I'm crossing my fingers for you ! !

I'm sorry I'm not more help.

Hmmm. Denial is a deep river to cross, no pun intended.

While you've put forward your hypothesis, he was shocked and defensive. Perhaps too defensive, yes?

ADD is NOT short for stupidity that's for sure, my ADD friend is as sharp as a tack, plus he has the advantage of some scarily accurate intuition and I think a lot of ADD folk have similar characteristics.

Anyway, he may come around once he's thought about it...if you have a book on it or something, maybe leave it somewhere for a while, he may glance through it on his own, you dont' know.

As far as general defensiveness, the only advice I can give you is that what may be required is trust on his side and patience on yours.

I sometimes feel that as ADD folks go through their life they are continually subject to negative opinions, or people trying to "help" them when they dont' need it, and as some are very sensitive or are flexible with their boundaries, can be obligated into situations they dont really like.

I guess I had a theory that until you prove that you aren't like all the rest, you will be faced with some defensiveness. One spin, anyway.

If any ADD folks can give some other opinions that might be helpful too.

Ultimately though, if he doesn't come around, you'll have to decide for yourself whether living with him exactly as he is now is possible for you, but do consider that even if he DID get a diagnosis and go so far as to get medication as well, does not mean he would be cured, or act or behave just like a nonADD person.

Very good luck on that, alpine, you seem to be motivated from the heart.

cs

OK-Maybe your approach was a little off. If someone doesn't percieve a problem, there is precious little anyone can do to convince them otherwise.
At this point, you have to decide if his behavior is tolerable to a long term relationship. The more pressure you apply, the more he'll resist.
You mentioned that you were in therapy in the past, are you able to see this same therapist ? And if so, can you ask him/her if they know anything about ADD/ADHD ? And how to deal with someone who you suspect may live with it ?

If you can't live with the relationship as it stands, you may have to walk away. There is nothing wrong with saying "I cannot live/deal with this situation " There are many people out there that are not compatible, and you have not failed in any way if you fit this category. If in fact he is ADD/ADHD, it would be sad if he cannot see it, and get any help, but you will drive yourself absolutely crazy to stay in any relationship where you feel that you are not being heard.

This is a tough situation, I've been where he is. Not much fun and the bottom line is- There is only so much you can do. I'm crossing my fingers for you ! !

I'm sorry I'm not more help.
I agree with this. I feel that at some point, a non-ADDe'r begins to feel somewhat obligated, unintentionally. This occurs usually after gaining some insight into another person's diagnosis without even recognizing it. I am not saying this is true in your case, but am just trying to give you a different side of the cube to look at. Don't insist on continuing because you want to help someone. It is nothing to mess around with. If someone doesn't want to help themselves, they can not be helped by another. Stay if you love this person, picture this person in your future, and can commit with full acceptance.

Alpine

Try to not think of ADD as an illness. It is more of a condition or an inconvenient situation that one is in. In a lot of ways it is more of a neurological difference that most people are oblivious to and it leaves the ADDer as an unwilling "victim" due to living in an environment and culture which are dominated by persons having an average neurology. For a person of his neurological makeup , he is probably doing okay.....

ADD can be pretty tough on self esteem and can also leave one with a rather short fuse and a low tolerance for foolishness from about anyone. ADD can eventually lead to some not very fun psychological conditions, so one can expect some baggage to accumulate there... but ADD itself is anything BUT insanity.

If he wants to rant, let him, he has earned the right. Whatever you do don't treat him like he is an an idiot or like he is mentally ill, because he is neither and you will only drive him further away from you.


Just my two cents worth...

Me :D



After reading post after post, I felt really upbeat and ready to talk with my boyfriend. Was looking forward to it even. I have a new outlook on ADHD and feel I have a better understanding of why is does what it does. I felt I was prepared.
I wasn't prepared for how upset he got with me. I never raised my voice throughout the whole one-sided coversation (his). I essentially began by telling him I'd been doing a lot of research on AD/HD and that I felt I had a better understanding of what he might be feeling, etc. He burst out in anger. "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than anybody else. Like you're without problems." I quickly told him that yes, I did have problems. And yes, I was glad when my parents realized this early on and took me for treatment (clinical depression). It was as if he heard nothing I'd said as he continued his tirade. He named various people who "know there's nothing wrong with me". In fact, he said no one in his whole life had ever told him there was anything wrong with him except me.
I've been seeing him for about 10 months now and really enjoy his company (most of the time). Now, it seems there will be no relationship unless I agree there's nothing wrong with him -- at this point, I'm 99% sure he suffers from AD. I calmly told him I was just trying to help because I cared for him. More yelling from him. He said he wasn't spending his time in a relationship where people were yelling at each other all the time (I'm not a yeller...he's the one doing the yelling).
It seems that everything I say causes him to react in a defensive manner. Even subtle suggestions cause this type of reaction.
Any ideas or suggestions? I told him, in a quiet, calm voice that I would call him back later tonight. He didn't seem very thrilled with that........
I'm guessing that maybe this relationship is over ------ and just when I was starting to figure out what the problem was!!

I was unable to speak with my BF last night, so I still don't know how things are at this point. I honestly don't know about how I would handle a long-term relationship with a person who doesn't (or won't) see any problems with himself. He tells me, "I told you I wasn't perfect." Well...to my understanding, none of us are perfect, we all have issues which can be improved upon.
I just feel a little numb right now.
In answer to Smoochy, I haven't seen a therapist is a few years, but it looks like I may need to schedule an appointment if only to get my own emotions under control!
Regarding self esteem, he seems to have no visible problem in this area, he is assertive, and has that "if they don't like me the way I am, heck with them" attitude. He's an ex-marine, quite loud vocally (he knows his voice is loud, but apparently he's been like that for years). The loudness is not a problem until he starts becoming defensive and yelling even louder.
He is smart, but it's more 'common sense' smart than book smart. I find myself using words he doesn't understand at times, only because they are part of my vocabulary (I'm not trying to make him look ignorant or anything). When that happens, he looks at me like I've just pooped on the floor and says, "and what's that supposed to mean?"
It's almost like I feel that if I were not to talk at all, we'd get along fine. Then I try to imagine myself in a relationship where I say nothing, have no opinion, and not make waves.......it seems depressing at this point.
I know I'm not the only person who sees he has this condition. Apparently, I am the only one who has said anything and I think that has now made me the bad guy.

Regarding self esteem, he seems to have no visible problem in this area, he is assertive, and has that "if they don't like me the way I am, heck with them" attitude. He's an ex-marine, quite loud vocally Yeah, well, I'm pretty good at hiding my low self esteem issues, and being an ex-military type myself, I've learned to overcompensate. Hows the song go "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen"? We can be pretty good at living with fear, masking it with bravado, and to us, it is genuine. Don't be fooled by his tough exterior, it's real. As a defense mechanism, it can't be cracked with a frontal assault.
If you intend to stay with him, you must find a way to let him know that he can trust you. And it must be genuine, no subterfuge. If you can find a therapist that understands ADD/ADHD, I would think that would be a huge step for you. Understanding him will help him and you more than I can explain here.

In the mean time, maybe you can print out SPEEDOs' post for him. That pretty much nails it. For most of us, being labeled as "mental" just isn't acceptable, and we will do anything to avoid that monicker ! ! !

if my husband had been the one to point out my add, i would have gotten defensive, too. i was the one who discovered it in myself, after our daughter was diagnosed. and even then, i had a time and a half accepting the fact that this is what had been causing all of my problems in life. i think your bf is in the same boat. he isn't hearing the part about you wanting to help. he is seeing it as an attack.

I agree with what others have said about the defensiveness part. The more you push, the harder he'll push back.

Instead, maybe try to have innocent conversations with him about what troubles him in his life, or what he doesn't like about himself. If he is ADHD, he may list things that are traits of an ADHD person. Then you can show him how others have been helped. If those things truly trouble him, it may click and he might want to seek help.

But if he really believes that he is fine, and there's nothing wrong with him, then he's not likely to seek treatment. At least not until he hits a wall in his life.

Hi Alpine,
The longer I live, the more I realize we have the answers within us. The difficult part is listening to our inner knowledge when we don't like the answer.
I read your posts from another thread and believe the opening of your first post to the forums has all the information you need. Is this really an ADHD issue?

I began dating a guy about 9 months ago. We had much in common, enjoyed each other's company, and made plans to continue seeing each other (we see each other a couple times a month as he lives in another state).
Each time we were together, the first 12 hours or so was great. Then, things would start getting to me to the point I felt I was going crazy. After reading many of the posts on this forum, I believe he has classic AH/DH symptoms.
* 9 X 2 or 3 = 18 to 27 times?
* long distance relationship?
* you are still getting to know each other and there are some things about your new boyfriend that bother you so you went searching online, found this forum and told him he probably has ADHD?

Imnapl,
If I had only spent a few weekends, or had just a few dates with him, I seriously doubt I would have ever come to the AD/HD conclusion.
Many of his 'visits' lasted nearly a month. If you need a total, I'm guessing we've probably spent approximately 120+ days together during the course of our courtship.
I'm sorry you feel that I am harboring some grievance against him and named this condition as the culprit. I only came here looking for help. I apologize for taking your time.

Alpine, only you can decide if you like living with someone. A diagnosis and medication is not going to make drastic changes in someone's personality. We are what we are. A wise lady on the forums reminded us that medication helps make ADHD a "difference" rather than a "disorder", but the difference is still there.

Don't ever feel sorry, alpine, we are here for support, and hope to give you some ideas and alternate perspectives that might help.

I hope you are finding some useful information, keep posting!

cs


Imnapl,
If I had only spent a few weekends, or had just a few dates with him, I seriously doubt I would have ever come to the AD/HD conclusion.
Many of his 'visits' lasted nearly a month. If you need a total, I'm guessing we've probably spent approximately 120+ days together during the course of our courtship.
I'm sorry you feel that I am harboring some grievance against him and named this condition as the culprit. I only came here looking for help. I apologize for taking your time.

Hiya alpine
Call it intuition or whatever you want.
But I do believe that it is possible to see something going on with a person.
And just know what that may be even if they may not realize it themselves.
You saw a lot of signs in him that looked like ADD.
So you followed up on what you were feeling and researched.
That was the easy part.

Getting a person who's willing to listen then talk about it is not.
Took me months to convince a family member they had a huge amount of the symptoms for diabetes.
Before they were willing to go to the doctor. Turned out I was right.
I don't really think most people are in denial about ADD deep down they know something's off.
But it all comes down too are they willing to talk about it.
And then take action.

You've thrown the idea out there now.
All you can do is wait till he reaches a time when he's more willing to talk about it.
No one like's hearing something's wrong with them.
No matter how gently we may say it to them.
I would say go slowly ADD isn't life threatening.
So you have the time to not push him into that defensive mode again.
Good Luck

ADD or not this guy sounds like a jerk. Telling you that you have the problems not him or that he will not be in a relationship with yelling when he is the one yelling is not acceptable.

I myself have ADD and would never treat anyone this way.. If I talked this way to my boyfriend (who is very understanding with ADD) he would up and leave me. Or if he talked to me that way I would leave him.

Don't let that the fact he probably has ADD sway you into thinking that it gives him the right to treat you this bad.

I can understand where your partner is coming from when he denies he has a problem....I was like that for a long time, after all I had a b*tch of a mother who filled my head with sh*t like "you're not normal" "you'll never be like anyone else" and the like....with this I attempted suicide in order to stop being different.....your partner will come to a crossroad where he'll accpet his "difference" but until then I guess you'll just have to support him and maybe seek someone for YOU to talk to about your side of the relationship.