I read the thread about why are ADD kids & adults socially inept & I started looking at how that has totally affected my life...I'm the 3rd of six kids & have always been quiet...I started 1st grade when I was 5 & had trouble "fitting in" from the very beginning...I went to Catholic schools for 12yrs & had to chuckle when I read elsewhere that Catholic schools cause ADD....I had a few friends in school & 1-2 close friends also....I moved out of the house at 17 to go to college to escape the dysfunctional family dynamics that I was living in....I started drinking & doing drugs [pot/pain pills] to escape from life & self medicate....I used drugs for about 15yrs & quit in 1991...I was clean for 10yrs & started using again in 2001 after a back injury...I have been clean now for over 19months...I have been diagnosed with depression since 1992 & have been on antidepressants for the last 7-8yrs...I'm taking Effexor XR now...I was recently diagnosed with Inattentive ADD & am on Adderal XR 20mg/day....

I have only had a few friends since I have been an adult...I had a couple friends in college that I kept in contact with for about 10yrs...since 1993 the only person that I would call my friend is my wife [we've been together for about 12yrs & I can see how my ADD has affected our relationship--we are seperated now]....I'm friendly at work & get along well with my coworkers...even though I've had alot of different jobs over the years I've always been able to walk into a new setting & interact with others in a short period of time....I can be friendly but keep people at a distance & not let people into my life....

Outside of work its a different ballgame....I don't interact with others...I don't have any hobbies where I can meet people [I used to bowl & have been told I should join a bowling league]....when I go to AA/NA meetings I don't hang around to talk with others....I've had people tell me to just walk up to someone & say "hi I'm Nick"....I've done that but thats as far as it gets....I don't know how to have a conversation with people....if a group of people are talking my mind just spaces out & its as if I'm not even there....I've had sponsors & have tried calling people in AA but I don't like using the phone....I rarely talk with anyone in my family & if I do have a conversation it is usually under 5minutes long....

I've talked with therapists before about the walls that I have built up around me [I can talk to a therapist without any problem]...the therapist I have now says that he's concerned about my inability/unwillingness to open up to people & let people into my life.....today he told me that I was selling myself short & that I have alot that I can offer to people....I know in my heart that what he says is true but my mind says other things [must have something to do with the lack of self esteem]....I know what I need to do but putting it into action is much more difficult for me....

I have trouble with setting goals & then I procrastinate on reaching those goals....the therapist didn't suggest any ways to improve on my socialization skills except to go to a meeting & keep trying to meet people...he mostly deals with clients who have substance abuse issues & doesn't know much about ADD...I guess I can find a therapist/psychologist who specializes in ADD & start working with them....I guess I need to head to the Indiana forum when I leave here & check out the Indiana ADD Friendly Doctors....


Nick

Bookfan, have you ever considered becoming a volunteer? The choices are endless and everyone comes out a winner.

I can relate to most of the things you've mentioned. Even though I'm only 17, I've had own share of social problems. I have ALWAYS been quiet. I always had a hard time starting conversations because I was quiet, my brain was racing, and sometimes I would make comments that seemed really off the wall to people. As a result a lot of people see me as "weird" or "different". Because of this I always had a lot of trouble making friendship's last. Thank God, I went to a Jewish summer camp where I met some of the most amazing people in the world and then I realized that I could find true friends who love me for me. I also learned to trust people. I have always considered myself a friendly and caring person who makes friends but 90% of the time I don't keep the friendship going (probably has something to do with having ADD and a learning disibility). But when I meet new people and I like them enough I always try my hardest to get to know them as much as possible and keep in touch with them as long as I can. Unfortunatly, with the summer camp kids they don't live in my general area so I don't get to see them often but I talk to many of them often or some of them daily. I also always make sure I take my medication when I'm going out and doing something that is social so I don't totally "loose it".

What I would suggest to you is volunteer in something that you are interested in and try to meet people through that. Or sign up for an activity that interest you and find people there. Ask as many questions as you possibly can about the person and write down their phone number and e-mail address. I hate talking on the phone as well but I have found that if I take my medication talking on the phone is a lot easier then if I didn't take it because I get nervous and I put it off. Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck!
Lauren

I can also relate to much of what bookfan wrote. Might I add the overwhelming sense of rejection in social situations. This only compounds the problem.

I understand you say you have no hobbies at present but have you tried to look, take a class in a comminuity center. They are often short and reasonaibly priced. Volenteering is also a good way to meet people.

The thing is if you do not ever try to reach out then you will never make contact.

Some people with ADD can be anxios due to past failures. The thing is to figure out why you have social walls in the first place then you will know weather or not what you are proctecting is real or imangined.....you have a chance to make a conscience choice as to weather or not you are willing to risk the exposure it takes to get to know other people.

Upon meeting some one it isn't necessary to tell you life story, or reviel you inner most secrets. You start with what many hate small talk. Small talk can seem like a waste of time for some. For me the small talk allows me to get a "feel" for the other peopson's behavior pattern and gives them a chance to get to know mine.

Frinedships and other close types of inter-personal relationship are thing that develope over time. All you have to do is decide if you want to take the time to learn "social" or just blow it off...neither choice is better or worse it is all personal preference!!!!!

Sounds like you need to vent some gripes about add, and you. Try a support group for dual diagnosis, these are people who have addictions but also must take medication to function. There are a lot of add and bipolar persons in these and groups are free. If your unsure on how to apply yourself socially then perhaps a vacation is needed. Volunteer work is great but often times it will attract the kind of person who is everything but ADD. You know that overachiever punk that makes it look so easy and usually rubs it in a little. For someone who is having social problems this exposure could cause a lot of anger and jealousy.

As far as hobbies go, have you tried a musical instrument. The organization and flexibility of music has always helped me deal. I play the guitar and piano they are both very rewarding for me especially in social environments. My motorcycle also provides a lot of opportunity for social interaction.
Hope that you find what you are looking for
Good luck

bookfan,

I can relate to what you are saying. My problem is that I don't "think" that I am interested in meeting people. My doc is obsessed with making me have people in my life. I keep telling him that it might be normal to want to be with people and socialize, and that many people are frustrated because they are unable to do it, but that in my case, I don't "think" I want to do it - I choose to be a loner.

How do I make myself want to be with people? My doc doesn't address this. He doesn't even talk about ADD much, but always goes back to "don't you get lonely?, what do you do with your time? and, don't you get horny?"

Oh wow, I can really relate to this thread.

So much of my depression lately stems from my inability (or desire, perhaps?) to meet and talk to new people. I work long days and am so tired at the end of the day, that my already-low-desire to be with others is exacerbated, and I can't force myself to go out.

Being alone and watching TV or going on the computer or talking to those who are CLOSEST to me... those things I'm fine with.

I feel like myself and when I'm alone, I don't have to worry if my hair is messed up or if I look ugly or fat or if my outfit matches.
I don't have to stumble over my words and wonder if I'm making any sense to whomever I'm speaking with.
I don't have to panic because my brain is working far too fast to think of anything clever to say.
I don't have to suffer through hours of butterflies in my stomach, waiting till the moment I can say "okay, well it's been fun, but now I have to leave."
I don't have to think to myself: "if I don't keep this person entertained right now, they'll never want to hang out with me ever again. This is my only chance and I'm blowing it because I'm so scared of being rejected."

So. I don't know I am a "loner" because it actually provides relief for me from anxiety... or if I am a loner because I think it provides relief for me from anxiety.

It's so funny, though. As a child, while I was not "outgoing", I was always bubbly and happy and FUN. I played sports year round, was in a few elementary school clubs, had tons of friends, loved sleepovers, liked talking on the phone, liked meeting people.... I would never have imagined myself to come out at age 24 as I am now. I stay home all the time, have to force myself to see friends, use pot more than ever AFTER graduating school, take 40mg Adderall a day, can't be content with my "sober" self because I get too depressed...

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm friendly to those people in my life with whom I work with or associate with outside of actual "relationships", but I don't let people break down the wall I've built around me anymore. Where there used to be a fence, I've somehow fashioned a damn good cement wall. :-)

So I can't come up with a good answer to the first post and since I've babbled on so long in this message, I forgot the content of the post and have no idea where I started.... lol... er....

I just understand your frustration/pain and I am sorry you're having a hard time. I hope you find a good therapist who understands ADD a bit more!

I can also relate to bookfan....it took till I was 17 years old for me to actually go up to people and say "hi my name's Selena" before then I would get my mother or someone to verbalize the introduction for me, I have weak social skills and I socialise best with 2 to 3 people at a time and I like bookfan like to keep to myself....I don't get into trouble that way...lol.

Bookfan.

A lot of the others replies are really good and practical especially the suggestion about volunteering your services somewhere, even if you don't find a "best friend" you get to strengthen your social skills and mix on a acquaintance level with other people, you'd be surprised what having a joke with another can do for you or even a useless bit of small talk....it can actually make you happy, or even perhaps go on the internet and make online friendships and see where they go.

I hope you get something out of these replies.

Take Care
Selena:)

Do you share in the meetings ?Fear is what is keeping your lips glued together ,been there done that . Help another person ,this is where the freedom is ,watch it work wonders in your life ,although you will scarcely notice it while you are practicing these random acts of kindness ,later when you are happy ,joyous and free ,you will look back and wonder how that wonderfull transformation happened ,thanks for sharing and keep coming back because it works if you work it