I'm just having a problem that I've been having for months and was wondering if anyone could relate or give advice. There is a man I like very much who has OCD. He is one of my best friends and we are in school together, adults seeking a career change.

We sometimes go sight-seeing after class or just hang out. We email/IM each other nearly every day, for months now.

I have decided that this course I'm taking is not for me, its court reporting and requires a lot of sitting and focusing amongst other non-ADD traits that have started to drive me crazy. So I have decided not to continue with the classes, which means that its possible I may never see him again.

I am beside myself and am terrified to tell him of my feelings, to me if he felt the same he would have/should have done something by now. If I tell him it could ruin the friendship, but I feel stuck of never finding a relationship if I continue to see or hear from him. Also, I feel that any other guy would have realized my intentions by now, I feel I've kinda made it obvious, at least my other friends at school have said so....:confused:

So all this is depressing me even though I'm on Zoloft and Strattera. I feel compelled to tell him but I'm terrified still....help!! thanks....

What part about telling him scares you the most?

~are you scared because you love him and you are afraid he'll say no?
~are you scared because you feel like nothing ever good should happen to you?
~ are you scared because you don't want to lose the bond you and him both have worked so hard for?
~or are you scared because of all of these things...???

My boyfriend now........actually we are engaged to be married in Sep of 2006. I was afraid to tell him I liked him....I thought I was showing all the signs but it turns out he didn't catch on because he was to occupide with trying to get me to like him......

Once I was finally brave enough to one night say "(name) I really like you a lot I don't know if you can tell or not...but i just wanted to let you know that i'd like for something to happen...i.e. date whatever...but if not then I'm still more than willing to be your friend."

Then I dropped it...told him he didn't have to say anything..well he did end up saying that he to liked me but didn't want to ruin the friendship and to try and let things just fall into place......

so here we are 5 months later...engaged..so you never know...try to get the courage to speak up cause you could be in for a real treat!! and if it's not what is supposed to happen then you both can go on just being close friends.

alllowing your voice to be heard is very important...i know for me it's difficult because i (with my b/f) didn't want to hear him say he didn't like me that way....I was afraid that he wouldn't want to be around me anymore...but i also knew I needed to do something before he was taken by another girl... :D

I'm also a single parent so i figured my chances of being with my b/f were slim to none but i figured "what the hell....what have I got to lose at this point in my life....???" and the answer was nothing.....so i gave it a go.....

He has some extream ADHD/OCD and I'm very much and ADD girl...
He is also bipolar but since meeting me he's gotten (is that even a word??) better and knows that it's from being around me...awwww...so sweet :o

it takes all kinds to be together...the best of luck to you and i hope your bravery kicks in!!! :)

Wow, what an awesome and inspiring story!! You have really made me feel soooo much better about myself and I have been pretty down in the dumps about this for a long time. Thank God for Zoloft!

I am also a single mom, although my daugher is now away at college...

You have hit home on so many points....this guy I like (love) also has OCD...at least he had the courage at one point to confide in me about that. I was just recently diagnosed last month with ADD, after 47 years of confusion. He has been a rock for me with starting meds and dealing with side effects...plus he has his own anxieties about school and people that only we talk about.

Yes, I am scared of all of the above, except not so much of nothing good ever happening to me, we all deserve the best at some point, ADD or not.

But to continue to be friends with him would make it so hard for me to go on and find someone else. Even the thought gives me shivers....I can barely even look at another guy.

Your story and suggestions have given me a bright idea. This week will most likely be my last at school. We have made plans to go to a hockey game December 1. I think somehow, someway on the way home I will say exactly what you said, and leave the ball in his court. What else can you do but take a chance....you have to somehow be brave and swallow your anxiety.

It seems to me that this is almost a parallel of what you and I both experienced. I just hope for myself that it turns out just as good!

Thanks so much for making my day...!
Donna

mymind;

One of the perils of men and women being platonic friends is the real "risk" of falling in love. The worst part is that often it is one falling for the other, and the friendship ends up damaged or lost in the ensuing chaos. The good part is that your feelings do not have to mean the end of your friendship.... You might consider sharing your feelings with your friend early so that you are at least, understood, and he is not unpleasantly surprised later on. You need to understand in advance that he might or might not take it well... My guess is that most reasonable adults will act appropriately... In any case you should consider yourself blessed, because you do have the company of someone whom you enjoy being with, so you might want to weigh the costs and benefits of your choices here.... In any case, you are in the situation and you have to deal with it... yes it is emotionally risky, but I think you might be in a position to gain so very much.


Me :D




I'm just having a problem that I've been having for months and was wondering if anyone could relate or give advice. There is a man I like very much who has OCD. He is one of my best friends and we are in school together, adults seeking a career change.

We sometimes go sight-seeing after class or just hang out. We email/IM each other nearly every day, for months now.

I have decided that this course I'm taking is not for me, its court reporting and requires a lot of sitting and focusing amongst other non-ADD traits that have started to drive me crazy. So I have decided not to continue with the classes, which means that its possible I may never see him again.

I am beside myself and am terrified to tell him of my feelings, to me if he felt the same he would have/should have done something by now. If I tell him it could ruin the friendship, but I feel stuck of never finding a relationship if I continue to see or hear from him. Also, I feel that any other guy would have realized my intentions by now, I feel I've kinda made it obvious, at least my other friends at school have said so....:confused:

So all this is depressing me even though I'm on Zoloft and Strattera. I feel compelled to tell him but I'm terrified still....help!! thanks....

This is what has been holding me back so much is that he might not take it so well because of the OCD and he does seem to have some real anxiety issues....and being friendly does not necessarily constitute a "love" interest. This has been going on for about six months; there have been times when I felt for sure there was something there, and other times when I become completely down with the thought that it will never be.

It is very risky....on one hand I feel I need to know, on the other, it could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. And again, to continue to be "just friends" would be so difficult for me since I care so much and it would be so hard to maybe find someone else.

Thanks for your insight...it was helpful and thought-provoking...

I have a question.

Does he hang out with a lot of other girls or just you?

When my FH and I first started to hang out he didn't really have any other friends that were girls...which was nice...a few girls called him but other than that I was/am still the only girl in the picture

If you are the only girl in the picture than he might be to chicken to fess up to the "I like you" talk. Sometimes guys need us girls to step up and make the first move!!

Like I said before my FH has some MAJOR OCD issues among the adhd and being bipolar life isn't pefect heaven but it's heaven on earth for us...

what i'm trying to say is don't look at his major OCD as a set back but as something that could really add some spark or difference in your relationship.

let us know how it goes...i'm rooting for you!!!! :D

Hey Flygurl...
No, he really doesn't hang out with anyone else but me. But in this school, it is mostly women. When we both came to this school a year ago, I had noticed him, and also noticed that he didn't say very much to anyone.

As time went on, we were both promoted from one level on the same day. That was back in April and we have been inseperable ever since. Even thought we would be together in class all day, he would still email me every night.

I don't look at his OCD as a set back at all. The only way I have seen it as a set back, is that on some occasions he will make plans to do something together, only at the last minute back out. This has happened about eight times so far, and I have been very forgiving and understanding, only to come back for more. I can tell when his anxiety is overpowering him when this happens and I just back off and let it be.

He confided in me about his OCD during the summer. He has been like a rock for me when I was diagnosed with ADD, very supportive and helpful with any advice. Recently he made a comment that I am like family to him, and only has 2 other close friends.

I've tried the body language route, and even tried asking him out myself, but he just replied that he's a loner, and just asked me what I had in mind. I froze and said, I dunno....
Donna

I have total Faith in you!!!

The first time I told my FH that I liked him it took me 3 hours...I kept freezing on him and trying to change the subject on myself and I was a mess....when I finally just blurted out the words I was fine ... but MY GOSH it took some guts that I didn't know I had.

I don't want to get your hopes up but it kinda sounds like he likes you... from the way you describe your relationship with eachother....

Do you like to go out to parties and the works or can you live with the occasial movie outings, dinner outings....low key stuff...like watching TV at home or just relaxing....

He seems like he doesn't really want to go out much...My FH is the same way.. he has some social anx. issues though...but I do to so it works out fine... we both know when we need to leave a place and try to watch for eachothers warning panic signs....

Keep trying....and build some courage!!!!! :D Hey you could always write him a note and let him read it right in front of you instead...or give him the note and go to the bathroom or something.... :)

It's hard to take that first step I totally understand...

Hey Flygurl...

I really had to laugh when you mentioned going out to movies, dinner and the like. That is only a dream to me at this point. I could only hope for him to come to my home. He did mention it once, and then it becomes too far. (?) Although at school we usually eat lunch together but he has never paid for me. It seems that school is the only place he really goes.

He does still live with his family and I can only assume its because of the OCD. He told me he has never really had a job and was institutionalized for 2 weeks about 2 years ago. So this is why he's taking this course in school, and he's told me how amazed at how far he's come at this time.

I am just terrified of telling him my true feelings, and I really do want to. I thought of writing him a letter but what scares me so much is that I don't know how he'll react. As I'm sure you know, people like us with ADD or OCD experience something different every day. We have good days and bad days. Some days I can see his anxiety and this is just something else we have in common.

Like I said, we have made plans to go here and there, but at the last minute he'll back out. Then he says we'll go "next year". (?) So is this a long range plan or just a way of getting out of it?? I'm sure you can see the anxiety and it can be debilitating!!! The poor dear, what I don't understand, is if he doesn't like me "that way", then why bother to hang out so much in the first place? Hmmm.....boy, I could really write a book about this!! Arghhhh!! I really think the only way I could tell him is by writing...

Thanks for the advice...I'm really enjoying hearing from you!!

Well, guess what happened? A friend at school has small get togethers on the first Fridays of every month. So he knows about this and was invited again for the third time. Last night we were IM'g and he said he was definitely going. So of course I'm all excited.
So he never shows up and so I said to the other friend, see I knew he wouldn't come. So my other friend replied that he ran into him at school, and he said it was too short of a notice. He knows this get together is every month! This is the third time he was invited and didn't go.
So now I'm just kinda down (again) that he said he was coming and again at the last minute backs out. When this happens it just makes me so sad. I don't know whether to ignore him now, since I'm no longer in school. Sigh.....................

okay...I have been reading this thread and wanted to chime in...I don't want to come off as harsh, but I'm going to have to....look, how old are you? this is important, becasue anyone who is over 21 should really be able to talk to someone EVENTUALLY if they are really liking them more than being just friends..I understand both of you have "issues", but just GO FOR IT! talk to the guy, and flat out tell if you like him...life is short! you might die the next day, you never know what might happen...

yeah, I know exactly what you mean. And I have thought about that all the time, that life is short and you could die tomorrow. Anxiety is the worst thing to experience, especially when two people have severe anxiety issues. We do have about 10 years between us, but what the heck? Who really cares about that anyway????

Hey Cameron.....I do know what you are saying, about "anoyone who is over 21......" SHOULD be able to handle a lot of social situations better than, say, a 14 year old...but the fact is, a lot of us can't.

I don't think I'm the only one who is SO accustomed to not being able to 'read' people correctly, made numerous embarassing (and sometimes painful) mistakes based on an inaccurate reading....that it is kind of scary to put yourself out there again.

The OCD guy is, no doubt because of the OCD, particularly hard to 'read', and to know how to approach without scaring him away. Too many demands...like, how does he feel, does he want to get together, etc.....might be too much for him. So "mymind" has some choices it seems.....mostly around whether she can deal with this guys issues or not. Maybe he knows that, on some level, and is giving her a good taste of the kinds of 'issues' she will have to deal with.

On the one hand she could be point blank and straight forward about wanting to see more of him to get to know him better, and he could bolt, or else it could give things a 'jump start' and open the door to more.

On the other hand, she could pave the way a little bit more....find out a bit more about his relationship history, see how much work it is to get close to him and....decide how much work she's willing to do to have a relationship with the guy. I mean, the way he is now might be the way he will always be....and we know we can't change people.

Being the impulsive type (lol), I'd probably have to be direct and take a chance because I can't stand the suspense in these things. In fact, I've done that in the past, and both times I found out the guy hadn't made any moves because (whether it's because of hangups or simply not being 'into me') they just didn't want to go there.

I've found that I'd rather send the signals and see if the guy makes the moves, because it can get so wierd after having 'the conversation'. At least that's how I feel NOW........lol

You read into this so well that its almost surreal!....You took the words right out of my mouth. I guess I couldn't express myself like I wanted to. You hit it all squarely on the head.

I took that chance once years ago. I don't know if I'd ever do it again since I was turned down. At this point I would be crushed if I was reading him wrong. I have tried and tried again to send as many signals as I could humanely do. To me, any other guy by now would have realized my intentions. But with all these mixed signals, to me it can only mean severe anxiety issues. The anxiety is so obvious at times with him that I can see how painful it is.

Sometimes I just want to give up. But then I can empathize with the OCD issues. Yes, we ADDers can be too empathetic, or for me is that pathetic??? lol...I really don't know the full story, even if he's ever had another relationship. My own anxieties even hold me back from asking that!! This has been going on for months, it seems like in a never-ending circle....I could almost write a book.