This is my first post so please bear with me. Most of the time I pride myself on being able to figure out anything and be totally self-sufficient. I am sure I will contradict this many times throughout this post. I would like to apologize for the length of this post in advance but I am quite long winded because I have so many thoughts. First a little background. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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In high school I was a jock, first team all state basketball, and therefore was very popular with the ladies. I don't consider myself good looking but I do know that any women who takes the time to get to know me gets VERY attached to my personality. They always said how I was so different then any other guy / person,etc. I am sure others have heard this a million times. I cheated on EVERY SINGLE girlfriend I had in high school. It was just what I did. But more importantly I typically cheated on my girlfriends with the problem girls. Girls that were leaving bad relationships, girls with rough homes lives, and even girls that were currently in bad relationships. For some reason they intrigued me more then the "normal" girls. I actually know the reason. I liked helping them get to being normal girls and trusting again. By normal girls I mean actually realizing what they felt, why they felt it, and to act on those feelings. Maybe it was the challenge of trying to turn a so called “heartless *****” into the “lovie dovie” girl. I often succeed but when the challenge was over I would just move on to the next by cheating. I was even known to disown my friends for the closeness and/or challenge of a relationship. I always disliked this about myself but I think the attachment to women was due to emotional issues from my childhood with my mother (That’s another email for another day). I have since worked most of the issues out with my mother and me and my mother have a pretty good relationship now. But I still do not have a group of friends that I consider to be really close with. <o:p></o:p>

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Now for the current relationship. I have been dating my current girlfriend for 4 years now and she too was in a bad relationship when I first met her and it took me a year to get her to realize that it was bad. Of course following the trend right. We started hooking up while she was still dating him but she eventually broke up with him. O did I state how many trust issues come when most of your relationships begin with both people cheating on their current significant others (Once again another email for another day). We have since grown into what she likes to refer to as “best friends” as well as boyfriend and girlfriend. We really don’t have much in common other then better then average sex and this whole best friend thing. We have been there for each other through many things and have achieved many things together. I guess I would have to agree with the whole best friends thing. But unfortunately we do not like the same things and even have the same views on a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like we are jus together because we both know that the other will ALWAYS be there in a time of need. I mean I am big on sports, she doesn’t know the difference between a first down and the first quarter. She is not materialistic to a determent but really enjoys nice things. She comes from a family with money and her parents are still together and I come from a family with a single mom who put all of her kids through catholic schooling. Obliviously not much money for material things. I like just laying around and enjoying the company of one person and she likes to be at bar surrounded by people she doesn’t even know. Though this is changing more and more and I feel like she is changing herself for me. There are many more differences but like I said the more I think about it the more I think we are together for the closeness and friendship. <o:p></o:p>

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Now for the situation at hand. My current girlfriend is so driven to get married right now and she calls it “the next step”. But my problem is this. I am not sure that I can do this. I don’t know if a marriage to her would be fulfilling. Now we get into my own personal feelings on marriage. People are not marrying for the right reasons. I think that a marriage is two people with the same goals (# of kids wanted, quality of life needed as opposed to wanted, etc), enough things they can enjoy together to always have something to do together but not too much that you are totally up each other’s butt all day, and two people who can just be themselves and in being themselves make the other person happy. But some people think that married is all about compromise, commitment, a willingness to change, and lots of other things but I ONLY agree with my view. Well I don’t want to change. I want to be myself and make someone else happy. I mean I don’t want to have to clean daily (like my girlfriend does / wants me to), I want to clean once a week, I don’t want to have to schedule / plan everything (like my girlfriend does / wants me to), and I especially don’t want to be married to someone who would expect me to change. Now she always says that I do make her happy but in turn will yell at me for being irresponsible and basically anything that is common behavior for my ADHD. I have recently began taking my Adderall again and she thinks that everything I am trying to talk to her about, us being different, fulfillment, and not wanting to change, are because of the medicine. Is this even possible? I tend to think that I have just been avoiding and procrastinating in dealing with marriage. Just as a side note<o:p></o:p>

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The new wrinkle. I may have made the biggest mistake of my life or the best decision ever recently. There is a women that I work with. She is currently married, unhappily of course, has two kids, and is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She is not as physically attractive as my girlfriend but is very cute. We have flirted over email for the past year and have recently starting hooking up. Yeah like you didn’t know that was coming. She is just so amazing and at this point seems like everything I have ever wanted. For example, I am very big on touching. You know using the tips of your fingers and gently gliding around on someone’s skin. I love to do this to others but love it even more when I receive it. Well today when we were riding in the car I put my arm on her leg and guess what she started to do without any direction or even know that I loved it. Yeah you guessed right started touching my arm. Do you realize that in 4 years my current girlfriend has never done something like this without direction. And even after asking for it she would not do it for long. I am VERY VERY VERY big on the little things if you haven’t figured this out already. Now am I just falling into an ADHD trap? Should I leave my current girlfriend? Could this thing with my work friend really work? I really am just going crazy thinking about all the scenarios, possibilities, and mind is going in circles to the point that it is affecting almost every minute of every day. I really just don’t what else to do but I hope that someone in these forums can help me, understand me, or has even been in the same situation. <o:p></o:p>

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Sorry for the long story but I was trying to give as much detail as I could without making it a novel. Well I ended up with a short story. If you need me to clarify anything I will provide any details that I need to in order to get everyone’s opinion, interpretation, and / or predictions. Any help that is provided is GREATLY appreciated. <o:p></o:p>

Hi IDo:

I think your first question you pretty much answered -- it doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage.

About the whole "changing" thing, you remind me of some wise words someone once told me about the big mistakes men and women make when getting married:
Women get married thinking he will change.
Men get married thinking she won't.
But as for the compromise and commitment part, that is 100% on the money. The problem is that there will always be things we don't like about the other person, and that they don't like about us. We can't agree on everything -- it just ain't gonna happen. Heck, I can't even agree with the me of 5 years ago most of the time, let alone a completely different person. So compromise when you differ, and commitment to work through things, are essential for a long-term commitment IMHO.

The other things, "flitting," cooling after the chase, etc., sound like pretty typical ADD behavior to me. Maybe marriage just isn't for you, or maybe you will find that perfect person some day, or who knows -- maybe you'll even change. :D

Whichever, best of luck, and I hope you can get through it while doing the least amount of harm possible to yourself and others.

I guess the main questions I have are these

I don't know if I should stay with my current girlfriend who I don't have that much in common with but do have a very deep relationship with. We have alright sex but her sex drive is as inactive as mine would be if I took 100mg of meds three times a day. But she does have sort of a leveling effect on my ADHD and in general makes me a better overall person. I mean I absolutely exemplify the word silly and she exemplfies the word cultured / proper.

or

Do I break things off with the girlfriend and go for the work friend with a little bit of a difficult situation, witht he husband and kids, because from what I know of her she is more fun, more compatiable, and definitely more sexaul. We have a relatively deep relationship for only knowing each other for one year and only having kissed twice. She also has a leveling effect because she has done so many things to help me quit smoking, like buying me a huge bag of candy, over the past few weeks. She is almost as silly as I am and we just have fun together. But due to the marriage thing we wouldn't be able to spend any significant quality time together. A worry of mine because what she is like at home may be completely different then what she is like at work. She has even stated that this is true but says that its because her husband doesn't do a single thing and believes that he has no responsiblites inside of house, only outside. Not even being married I can see how this would change someone's silliness.

or

Do I just stay with both, which the work friend is ok with, and just see how things pan out. The thing is that I don't want to lose my girlfriend as a friend and no matter what happens I don't think I will be able to prevent this.

You should probably be only friends with your current girlfriend, if both of you can handle it.

You should not stay as boyfriend/girlfriend with your current girlfriend just because otherwise you will lose her as a friend.

You should not jump into a relationship with the other woman. Can you handle being without a girlfriend? If you can, and I hope that is the case, continue your life. Do not fall in the trap of making your coworker leave her husband for you! Should she divorce her husband in the future, go out with her, but DO NOT move in with her. Reassess your situation several months after this.

It is easier said than done!

Thanks Snappy.

I have tried indirectly explaining to my girlfriend that we would be better off friends. I have tried to explain my fullfilment concept to her but I either do fulfill her or she doesn't understand my ADDer reasoning. Either of which is possible but God only knows. I hope that we can remain friends but it's not looking good at this point. She is just so attached that any attempt to cut that attachment will more than likely result in resentment.

The work friend thing is moving so fast. It's not even being driven by me, the pleasure seeking ADDer either. I was fine with just being friends and trying to help her work on her marriage. She took it to the next level when she kissed me and things haven't stopped or slowed down yet. I fear that things could reach real intimacy, have you ever tried to work aroudn the word sex LOL, very shortly. I really have no idea what I am doing but I know I like it and I know that I really like her. You are probably saying that it's just the ADHD but I know what that feels like believe me I feel it every weekend at the bar when I am drunk, and this just feels like something else. But then again that could be the danger of work and knowing she is married too. Who knows.

I don't necessarily like being alone but I can and have done it. I like having someone to just hang out with.

As for the moving in with her thing we are no where near that point and I wouldn't do that anyway. At least not right away I mean she does have kids. I mean think about the shock to them alright Husband out and now here's my new boyfriend. I don't think so. I was scared enough as a child I am not trying to scar one myself.

As for the whole waiting until she is divorced thing you are saying that I have to basically end two relationships at one time. That's alot for an emotional person like me. Especially since I have to work with her and she doesn't seem ready to back off right now. Even though she says she would if I asked.

Sidebar:
YOu know I read a comment earlier tonight in a thread on these forums about people with ADHD not knowing the difference between being "the man" or "the woman". I have never used written words to express myself I prefer face to face conversation. But the more I read my own words the more I feel like this is really true. Unfortunately it would seem like I am "the women". scary.

I would have given the same advice to a non-ADDer.

Why do you get drunk every week end? Are you under treatment?

I take adderall. 20mg tablets twice a day. I don't take it on the weekends though because I don't really need it to help with social issues I just need it to be able to concentrate, plan, not be so dam pleasure seeking, etc. I really don't have any social issues and actually enjoy being the center of attention. Being tall all my life has made me the center of attention anyway but I think that I have really come to enjoy it and just have fun with it.

I just go out with friends or my girlfriend and have fun. Most of the time it's cool but every once in a while I will just have an episode and get depressed instead of happy. I would say like once a month this happens. But other then that I love going to bars, talking to people, dancing, and looking at all the girls that aren't my girlfriend. Not that I actually want or would do anything with them because I am definitely not the type of guys that would go to a bar and pick up a girl but I do love to look.

So you wanna hear a girls point of view? Lucky for you i'm ADD too! So your not going to be able to have any one tell you to stay with your girlfriend or leave your co-worker... that is up to your heart. (it will hit you one day and you will just know) My advice is basicly for the selfishness (no affence but you are) not once have you thought about the girls in this situation! I'm in a "baby relationship" but it is a serious one. <<< We have known each other for a year and have LIVED TOGETHER for nine months<<<< There are a lot of things that "my ADD" tries to prevent me from doing. Just like you I don't want to clean every day, plan EVERYTHING, and most days I don't have the focus to do all the things HE asks me to do... but it is not just about me. If you don't want to get married TELL HER... If you want to be friends TELL HER.... If you want to "date" other people TELL HER! For once stop thinking about you, stop cheating, stop taking the easy way out (selfish)!!!
And don't give me the "it's eaiser said than done" or " I don't want to hurt her" Because it is going to kill her when she finds out (and she will find out) that you cheated on her and that your feelings have changed but she will love you forever for sparing her feelings. She will appreciate your honesty maybe not at first but in the long run this will work out for you! You have the opportunity to change this situation before it gets real U-G-L-Y you could lose a "best friend of four years" or you could be honest and take the chance of her being mad at you but appreciating you and your character.

And if your not ready for the honesty step yet have you tried telling her what ADD is? What about going TOGETHER and researching it?

And if she is just one of those stubborn " YOU WILL MARRY ME" type of girls then you don't have to worry about loosing her friendship (she isn't your friend)! I know my true friends of four years or more want me to be happy!
LOTS OF LUCK
Bonnie

OK, your screen name is DOwhatIwant and you start the whole thread off by reminiscing about how you had it in high school. Evidently, you thought it was an important part of the story.

I'd like to know how old you are, I mean, how long ago was high school? I'd also like to know why in the first post you say you have "better than average sex" and later it's "alright sex." Who are you kidding??? You already KNOW the answers to your questions. You are SO NOT READY for marriage. You sound like you are so ready to find something new to "tickle" your fancy. And you found her. How convenient that she is married. She can only expect so much from you, right??? Don't believe it! Anything can happen, we are only human. You are going to hurt both women because you want to be the "good guy." Cheaters dont get to be the good guy. Don't tell yourself that you are sparing your girlfrineds feelings because you've been through this before. You know it will be an ugly scene and you just want to avoid that while at the same time "DO(ing)whatIwant" and getting what you want. Save yourslf the long drawn out drama and get it over with. Tell your girlfriend that you dont want to get married and allow her to move on with her life. How long do you want her to spend planing this wedding that you KNOW will never happen. bkbonnieb is right, continuing this crap behind her back is selfish. You know that! You've been through this before and you want things to stay the way they were in the good old days..in high school. When marriage and commitment and responsibility were not an issue. "Flitting" is fine in high school and really it's fine at any age. So long as we are honest with the other people and with ourselves.
You dont have to grow up and get married, but you do have to grow up and get real..From here on out, most people take relationships far more seriously than you are ready for....
Good Luck!

Yeah but when I am with the girlfriend most of the time my heart tells me that I want to be with her. When I am with the co-worker most of the time my heart feels like I shoudl be with her. The only exceptions to these are when my girlfriend tries to be all structured and wants to talk about getting married. The only exception when I am with my co-worker is when I am not sure if I would be able to move into the "family" life. I mean I don't feel bad about anything with either which I am sure is VERY bad. I hope that day where I get hit comes soon because as fun as it is to have two completely different people in my life it does take alot of my time to keep everything straight and to concentrate when I am talking to each to make sure I don't screw something up. God if it was any harder I think I would just break it off with both of them. I have told my girlfriend that "I am not ready to get married". She has stated that this is fine with her. But, there is always a but, she needs to know if I am going to be ready soon. WTF is that. I mean no matter what, even if there wasn't someone esle, I would still not be ready and in that case how the hell would set a date on when I would be ready. Sometimes people are just plain stupid and don't get me wrong this can at times also include myself. My girlfriend is not the kind of person who will appreciate the honesty. She still hates people from high school that did her wrong this inlcudes both boyfriends and just plain friends. Basically she is tottally capable of holding a grudge FOR LIFE.

I hope that she is not one of those YOU WILL MARRY ME types. She is just so attached and depends on me for so much and hates big changes. I am the one with ADHD let's not forget.

She does know and understand my ADHD and had even gone to a few counseling sessions with me in the past. She has never really used it against me except when she calls me lazy or says that she cannot depend me. Even though we both know she depends on me for too much. Or at least I think she does. I mean I am the first person she goes to vent, to ask questions, or basically anything. This is cool and all but sometimes its really annoying especially when I am having like a bad ADHD day and I just want to do my own thing, or just space out in my room. I personally like my ADHD and think I have pretty good handle on it. I realize that I have to take my adderall to perfrom well in work environments and I understand it diminishes my creativity and is basically bad for my body. I also realize that when I don't take it I am going to have a hard time concentrating but I am so much more creative, spacy, and social. These are the things I really like about myself so I am basically two people. My Monday - Friday self and my Weekend self. Each of which has it's own vices but both of which are me.

The whole high school thing was just to show a pattern of behavior. iDOwhatiWANT is my screen name because that's what I do. But most of the time I make pretty good choices. I am 25. High school was like 7 years ago I think. I graduate in 98. My changes in posts is just my curren feelings at the time. Sorry my feelings about something can probably change a couple times a day. I KNOW I AM NOT ready for marriage. But other people, including my family and friends, really think I am. But I am the only person that knows me and I will not be pressured into anything. This could cause a life of girlfriends and never a marriage but if that is what it has to be then that's what it will be. I am not just tickling my fancy. Why does cheating always have to be tickling the fancy. I have known this girl for over a year and have just been listening and providing unbias advice to her. I do also have the ability, for some reason - somehow, to remove my heart from any situation and use my brain. Maybe this is just because nothing has ever really had my heart, I just thought they did, but I can do this. She basically after a year of being friends and just providing each other with someone to talk to we began to trust each other. Then we started to open up to each other, last 3 months, and began to show ourselves to each other. And as fate would have it we both really started to like what we were seeing and then you know the rest already. You but maybe I am being the good guy. Knowing my girlfriends personality if I slowing push her away she would end up cheating on me. She too has cheated on pretty much every boyfriend she has. I will eventually find and out and if I am ok with it then maybe we can be freinds. But there is a wrinkle to that also. The girl I work with and my girlfriend, o yeah I forget to you, are kinda friends. I mean they don't talk alot or often but they are friends of friends. I am trying to save long drawn out drama. You just don't understand my current girlfriend. Basically the only way she gets let go is if she wants too. She told me the other day that she doesn't think that she coudl take me breaking her heart. Yeah this was right after I told her that I wasn't ready and immediately following her question about when will I be ready. She thinks that I am her soul mate. You can't just cut that line you have to let the line out a little bit and see if another fish picks it up. Does that sound really horrible? Yeah but I don't think I am saying that I don't want marriage, committment, and responsbility. I am jsut saying that I don't think I feel as close to her as she does to me. And not only do I want that but I don't think that I want to be with someone who is almost my exact opposite. That is why I like my co-worker. She is spontaneous, quirky, and fun loving, not serious. She understands me, which I am not saying my girlfriend doesnt, but she understands that I am a giver and will give and give utnil there is nothing left and not expect anything in return. That is the way I am. But in the end I do expect my significant other to just do the daily little things to make me happy. I am not going into detail on this but there are few things I have been asking my gilfriend to do for 4 years. I mean I am asking for something as little as saying Please and Thank You. Yeah that small and she still doesn't do it. My co-worker says please when she asks for a napkin when we eat lunch together. It is things like this that my girlfriend said to me if she does them will that make you closer to being ready. I said Yes, of course knowing that it will never happen. I mean if it hasn't happened in 4 years I don't think it is going to happen in a few months. But we shall see. So what do you people think now. What if by the end of January my girlfriend still has no concept of saying please and thank you. Then what would I do?

I agree with BKBonnieB and Jenjor. It doesn't sound like you are 'ready' for a relationship, let alone marriage. On the one hand your major concern seems to be what is best for you, and on the other hand, you don't seem to understand the value of honesty....with yourself or with others.

I can't tell you what you should do because what I think about that is irrelevant. You can go your whole life just doing what you want, and no doubt, with your current mindset, I can't think of any negative consequences....for you.

But you are messing with the lives of two women, and you are not being honest with either of them. And it's disturbing that....you don't even seem concerned about that....what's more, you don't even seem to notice!

Your 'fulfillment' concept is great.....but it's like treating a long term comittment like a short term project. You aren't allowing for growth of the individuals within the relationship, for ever disagreeing (especially about important things), about growing together as a couple and actually discovering together what you want, based upon your evolving lives.....number of kids, etc.. It is idealistic to think that you can decide up front about all the parameters of your lives together, and expect some guarantee that one or both of you will not change.

But I guess your statement "Well I don’t want to change. I want to be myself and make someone else happy." emphasizes what you need to look at more carefully, in the context of the question of relationships.

You don't want to change.
You want to make someone else happy.

Let's talk!

Your posts broke my heart. Please listen to at least some of what I have to say. You are destroying lives, and you have no right. You are commiting adultery and taking a woman physically and emotionally away from her family. And don't believe her when she says her marriage is unhappy. It's unhappy because she is making it so in order to justify her behavior, and her husband may have no idea. My husband also told my best friend a lot of lies when he got naked with her for almost a year, and I was at home happily thinking that there was nothing wrong. Lies and selfishness. And now, five children under the age of 7 are living with destroyed families. And my God, you are with two women that are friends also? How could you? You are both in the fog... the air of self-justification that tells you that you deserve any selfish adultery that you want. And don't blame ADD for this. If that was to blame, I would be the one who commited adultery, not my husband. If you are not ready to settle down, don't have a girlfriend, and stay away from married people. The excitement you feel for her is just the "new relationship energy" and the secrecy of the adultery. Excitement from affairs go away, and people are left devastated when they're done. She may be telling you that you're her soul mate, but how quickly will that end when she faces losing her family forever. If I had your girlfriends name, or that woman's husband's name, I would call them right now and put an end to the secrecy and lies.
I came here because I was looking at ADD forums to help with my ADD and PTSD because of my husbands and "friends" adultery, and instead, one of the first things I see is a post talking about their actions with their married friend. Your words destroyed my heart. I don't know if I will ever post again, but I would love for you to see the broken hearts at my infidelity post board, and tell me that your selfish actions aren't hurting people. You have no respect for either of these women, only your own selfish egotistic desires. If you did, you would not do this to either of them. You may be a good person who is just in the fog, but I really hope you wake up soon, tell your girlfriend what the deal is, and either work on loving her completely or let her move on to someone who can love, respect, and cherish her.

IDOwhatIwant:

If marriage is a goal your current girlfriend has, if she is around 25 she's behaving pretty typically in wanting to get married in the near future and asking when/if you are going to be ready. She's mid-twenties and is probably wanting to get married and possibly start having children before 30. Since she has invested 4 years of her life with you and you have a shared history, you are her first choice. But... if you can't give her what she wants and needs, she needs to choose: stay with you anyway, or look for someone who can say that they'd be open to marriage.

You are concerned about your differences, and don't want her to tell you how often to clean, but is also sounds like she also helps give a structure to your life that you're not willing to give up. You can't just use her like a software program that helps keep you organized and on track.

I think what's more important than the fact that you have differences (sometimes very different people do well together) is that these differences bother you. By the way, no two people are going to clean the house the same way (ever had roommates?). There's usually some negotiation involved. The key in a relationship is communication. You can't go into a relationship with the mindset that what you want is most important, and that your way is the only way. It just doesn't work that way, and it's being unrealistic to think that the two of you are going to see eye to eye on everything and when you don't that you should get your way.

That you are thinking about the woman at work, flirting over email, and kissed her indicates that for you there are problems in your relationship with your girlfriend. And is it really a problem with your girlfriend? Or is it something bigger - you mention your cheating etc. with old girlfriends. So you need to think about what those problems and issues are for you and how you might work on or resolve them. I'm not one to tell people to bail out of a relationship when it gets rocky, I'm all for working through and growing stronger. However, you are not married and it may be the best thing for both of you is to end it.

You and your girfriend are going to have to talk and figure this out, but you need to be honest with her. If you don't see marriage in the future for the two of you (and at this point it sounds like that is the case), you need to tell her so that whether you two remain friends or not, she's able to move on and find what she wants in her life instead of being in a holding pattern.

I would definitely stay away from the married woman. She has commitments, and I wouldn't interfere with those. Think about it. It might be flattering to have someone pay attention to you, but why is she doing it? Do you think its in your best interests or healthy to get involved with someone who is putting a marriage at risk? What kind of mental or emotional state must she be in? There could be any number of things going on with her. Have they talked or tried counseling, is he even aware she's unhappy or is she hiding it? Have you encouraged her to work on her relationship with him, rather than flirt with you?

Do you have a psychologist? You might think about talking to someone about this who's trained. They might help you gain some insight into all this and offer some good suggestions.

~~bythesea

Your posts broke my heart. Please listen to at least some of what I have to say. You are destroying lives, and you have no right. You are commiting adultery and taking a woman physically and emotionally away from her family. And don't believe her when she says her marriage is unhappy. It's unhappy because she is making it so in order to justify her behavior, and her husband may have no idea. My husband also told my best friend a lot of lies when he got naked with her for almost a year, and I was at home happily thinking that there was nothing wrong. Lies and selfishness. And now, five children under the age of 7 are living with destroyed families. And my God, you are with two women that are friends also? How could you? You are both in the fog... the air of self-justification that tells you that you deserve any selfish adultery that you want. And don't blame ADD for this. If that was to blame, I would be the one who commited adultery, not my husband. If you are not ready to settle down, don't have a girlfriend, and stay away from married people. The excitement you feel for her is just the "new relationship energy" and the secrecy of the adultery. Excitement from affairs go away, and people are left devastated when they're done. She may be telling you that you're her soul mate, but how quickly will that end when she faces losing her family forever. If I had your girlfriends name, or that woman's husband's name, I would call them right now and put an end to the secrecy and lies.
I came here because I was looking at ADD forums to help with my ADD and PTSD because of my husbands and "friends" adultery, and instead, one of the first things I see is a post talking about their actions with their married friend. Your words destroyed my heart. I don't know if I will ever post again, but I would love for you to see the broken hearts at my infidelity post board, and tell me that your selfish actions aren't hurting people. You have no respect for either of these women, only your own selfish egotistic desires. If you did, you would not do this to either of them. You may be a good person who is just in the fog, but I really hope you wake up soon, tell your girlfriend what the deal is, and either work on loving her completely or let her move on to someone who can love, respect, and cherish her.
Wow this was pretty harsh. First of all what I am doing is wrong but also feels right. I know that. I am not stupid. I am sorry for your adulterous husband but I am not married. Though I may be messing around with a married women. I have very big problem making big decisions. It really depresses me to have to do this almost to the point where I shut down. That is why I just make little decisions and when something big happens I just go with the flow. I don't know how I feel about my girlfriend. I love her when I am with her but when I am not I am not sure. The same with my co-worker. I have not looked at this situation from the way that you have shown it to me. I really am not a bad person. I really got into this situation because I was trying to help a friend work her marriage out. Giving her advice about needing to take some alone time with him, explaining to him that she is the only one doing anything in the home, and that they both created their children but she is the only one raising them. And now it has turned into this. I really am not a bad person just in a REALLy bad situation. Like I have said before I am really BAD at expressing anything witih keyboard. I may have not explained everything the best way I could. But now I am feeling depressed after reading this and feeling like something I am reallly not. A bad person. Well no that everything is completely out of control I guess I have to step up and do something.

You keep saying you are not a bad person. I'm not really sure what the term 'bad person' means to you, but I don't think that anyone is immune to making mistakes, and we all do from time to time. Our objective can't be to never make mistakes, but to learn from the ones we do make, and when we realize we've made one, take action to correct it as soon as possible.

At your age, and single, I didn't have much concept about what a 'big deal' marital infidelity is. I wasn't anywhere near making a life comittment, and I didn't comprehend the importance of marriage vows, or the impact of 'cheating' on a marriage and family. I even had a pretty serious relationship with my married boss. Nothing much physically, but emotionally....well, he was giving me more love and attention than any wife would be comfortable with. The only reason I mention this is to let you know that I know it's not so hard to get into the kind of situation you are into now.

But now that you've gotten all this feedback, it sounds like you might have a bit of a clue that you need to do something differently. You aren't necessarily a bad person, but you are evidently feeling bad because of your 'bad behavior'. I think that's called having a conscience.

Please think about your responsibilities in this 'REALLY bad situation'. It isn't the end of the world, but you DO have some responsibility here, for what happened and for fixing it. And that's true of every situation.

You've said that you have cheated on every girlfriend you've had. Wow. It seems so obvious to me that that is 'bad behavior', I just don't get how you can keep doing that and sleep at night. You can stop if you want to, start being honest, or you can keep going for the next thrill. What's more important? Being trustworthy, listening to your conscience, and behaving like a 'good person'? Or moving from one relationship to the next before the first one is over.... Why would girl #2, if she has any integrity or respect for yourself, want you in her life, knowing you were cheating on girl #1? Of course, there are women who haven't integrity or self-respect...actually, you have tons to chose from.

Maybe this is a good time to think about the kind of person you want to be, and the kind of woman you want. I'm glad you realize that you 'have to step up and do something.' I'm sure it's scary, but believe me, doing the right thing can feel pretty good, and can even become a habit if you do it often enough.

Good luck!

I really got into this situation because I was trying to help a friend work her marriage out. Giving her advice about needing to take some alone time with him, explaining to him that she is the only one doing anything in the home, and that they both created their children but she is the only one raising them. And now it has turned into this. I really am not a bad person just in a REALLy bad situation.
Are you kidding? Who are you to give relationship advice??? Just let this married woman know now that you want to be with her and "help her through her marriage difficulties", only until you get too comfortable with her and find another "Fixer Upper" to work on. Then tell your girlfriend how lucky she is that you moved on to someone new because your boredom with her is only incative of the fact that you dont feel needed by her anymore. Just let her read this thread and I bet she'll get the picture.
"Fixing" some girl you see as broken and needing you is evidently the only way you can feel close to them. Does this sound like it might be related to your issues with your mother that you say you have worked through?Did she need to be fixed too?

You have a lot of work to do on yourself and you cannot be balancing two relationships and focus on yourself at the same time. Could that be why you do it? Maybe you need to find a woman who needs to be fixed so you dont have to worry about fixing yourself??!!

Fine, dont work on yourself if you dont want to. But why destroy the lives of these two women, not to mention the lives of the husband and children involved just to satisfy a selfish need???

Wow Jenjor you really know how to boost a guy's self esteem. First, I was one semester away from a Bachelors in Psychology but I switched majors before I graduated when I realized that I was majoring in Psychology in an attempt to fix myself not to better myself professionally. This is when I began seeing a pshychologist and have been since. And yes my pshycologist believes that I am over my issues with my mother. I mean I am not accusing my girlfriend of cheating on me daily, I am not doing nice things for her just because I think she is going to leave me, and yes my mother has admitted that she did need a little work when she was raising me and my brother but she had her own issues and she has since dealt with that also.

That being said friends, and even friends of friends, often do seek my advice. Because I always tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. I also always get this AWESOME look from them when I analyze a situation or behavior and they realize that they never realized why they were acting like that or never looked at the situation like that before. Yes this does bring some sort of weird feeling of fulfillment to me. But knowing how much people have helped me and my family I always just feel like I am returning the favor. It is not my fault that someone got attached to me, and I in turn to them, when provide insight, analysis, and advice.

I know that saying I tel people what they need to hear not what they want to hear contradicts the situation but this is the weirdest situation that I have ever been in. I cheated in the past to get out of a relationship because I was uncapable of making that big decision or dealing with my girlfriend's reaction. This situation is so different. I love my current girlfriend. She is almost a total opposite of me and provides a balance that I have never had in my life. We have worked on our relationship over the past 4 years and like stated previously we both have grown greatly. But we both have to work very hard and make daily sacrifices to make each other happy.

One of these daily sacrifices is she has serious problems with my ADHD but she has stayed with me and I don't know how she did it. I know that I give myself totally to my girlfriends but I give as much frustration equally. I am constantly sacrificing time with my friends, sometimes planned in advance, because she is having a bad day or just wnats to hang out. But that is the thing she being such an opposite and both of us making daily sacrifices is so confusing because how long can she put up with me ALWAYS being, not meeting deadlines, and basically being irresponsible and pleasure seeking.

Yes I have a SEVERE pleasure seeking problem. This goes along with anything. Without my MEDS, and even with them sometimes, I cannot concentrate or even get motivated to do anything unless I KNOW FOR SURE it will provide me with some sort of pleasure or is generally intriguing. How long can I put up with her constant demand on my time. I know that a lot of relationships where one person has ADHD can be exciting to the Non-ADHD person. But eventually that excitement runs out when you start introducing more and more adult responsbilities into the mix such as kids, having a home, and things dealing with money and budgets. THis is what I worry about with her and any women for that matter.

Right now I still consider myself a young adult and maybe this is just my own way of defending my behavior but I refuse to take MEDS everyday for the rest of my life. I will only take my MEDS during the week. Which leaves two days a week for the rest of my life where my wife could possibly really dislike me. NOw with the co-worker she is just so much like me. Typically I have only dated girls like my current girlfiriend. I have never really looked at someone who was like me. Now that I am getting older I am realizing that I like people who are more like me more and more. But I also like the balancing of being with someone not like me. I don't know where I am going with this but this is the first time I have actually stopped and thought about what I was typing. I have basically just been letting my fingers go.

Now I have spoken with my co-worker and informed her that we are not the only two people present in this situation and that we could possibly hurt other people including her family. I come from a divorced home and the more that I thought about this the more it affected me. So I basically informed her of this and said that we needed to talk. I was trying to take a step in actually talking face to face about something that was a problem.

I know I should probably do this with my girlfriend yet but an unfavorable reaction from her would just cause me to say that I didn't know what I was saying and back out. Well my co-worker agreed that we coudl possibly hurt someone else and that maybe we should just go back to being friends. So we went to lunch together and talked some more about the situation and how I didn't want to be "That Guy". She said that she understood and agreed that she didn't want to be "That Girl" and that if her husband was doing the same to her she would be ****ed. So we had lunch together, talked about what we did last weekend, and what we will be doing this coming weekend. Normal friend talk I thought.

Well when we got back in the car she started kissing me. It was kind of my fault because when I got in I started messing with the radio to get a song I wanted to hear on. She took that as trying to buy time and when I looked over to ask her if she liked the song she kissed me. Feeling her lips I could not resist. I AM SO WEAK. But there is just something about her that I cannot resist and there is something about my girlfriend I just don't want to give up.

It' s almost like I am two completely different people right now and I don't know what I think about it. I wish I could just leave them both behind and go away for a week or two and clear my head. Unfortunately my boss would not approve of such of thing. I really don't know what to do. I obviously want them both and neither are going anywhere no matter what I say to them. I forget to mention previously that I spoke with my girlfriend about the topics above (My ADHD and daily sacrifices) and she basically said she isn't worried about and it hasn't made her want to break up with by now why would it make me want to in the future. She also stated that there is no one in the world she wants to be with me other then me and that the only time that she is TRULY HAPPY is when she is ALONE with me. I'm screwed.

I don't need advice or criticism on how to fix myself or whatever. What I need is an explantion or something on what a marriage is like. You know thing like in your opinion is it better to be with someone you are like or someoene who is your opposite. Just anything other then criticism would be awesome. I really need help before I lose both of them and then my world wouldn't be falling apart it would be completely apart. I don't know if I could deal with that effectively and I really don't want to go back therapy. Especially since my psychologist basically had to tell me to stop coming last time because she felt I wasn't recieving anymore benefit from therapy I was just using it to get my feelings out and I needed to do that elswhere. Well people give me my elsewhere.

Try a weekend away alone since you can't get a week. Write it out. Let your fingers fly. Pros and cons.

Marriages go through changes. Lots of them. There are stages in life and each is different. What is MOST important to you? People change. Some try to change. Some can't change. Some just don't change.

And I personally wish I had a chrystal ball. Look into the future. Take things to their logical conclusion. Bear in mind that you're making your best reasonable guess, and a guess is all it is. What will be the consequences of your actions?

I have to admit, talking it out with the married friend was a good idea. You're both impulsive and have a passion for each other but that's just it...you could both end up passionate and impulsive over someone else down the line.

Lots of food for thought. And it's good to agonize over it. It's worth it to care about the feelings and futures of yourself and especially others. I hope life leads you down the good path.

If you are anything like me, you want an answer NOW, and you are anxious about not knowing for sure what you want and how to get there. I tend to have to do something to upset whatever balance exists, and it is often the absolute wrong thing...but it does resolve the need for something to happen NOW. Having a second relationship (with the married co-worker) is a super way of upsetting the balance, it seems to me.

I hope that this doesn't seem like advice, but...if you aren't ready to make a comittment, then don't make one! The married girl will probably continue to provide a distraction from your dilemna with your girlfriend, and when she finds out...well the comittment issue may become a non-issue.

I'm not an expert at being patient, but really, whatever is supposed to happen between you and the girlfriend and the co-worker will happen. Maybe if you can imagine the possible outcomes of what you are doing, the solution will present itself. If not, then what happens will, at the very least, be one more learning experience.

Forgive me for interjecting here...again...But I absolutely, 1000000000% believe that being honest with everyone, including yourself, will make for the best outcome for everyone. By being dishonest, withholding information, subterfuge, etc, you are having everything your way. But the flipside to that is, you are also making it solely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY how it works out. Isnt that a little overwhelming???

Jenjor, it doesn't sound to me that iDOwhatIwant is all that happy about what's going on; I don't think he is having everything his way...because he doesn't know what he wants. I too believe that being honest is the way to go...but before being honest with others I need to be honest with myself. It's there that the waters get muddy.

At 23, making a decision about marriage is not necessarily realistic for most people, and at the very least, it's unnecessary. It's a sad fact that most people don't change until it becomes too painful to remain the way they are. It just may be that iDOwhatIwant will have to lose a lot more than he has lost before he realizes why he's doing what he's doing, addresses it, and makes a change. It's tough to reconcile the need for freedom and independence with the need for connection and security. Honesty would be a good start though......I agree.

I am not happy with what is going on you are right. I just don't know what to do or what I want. Do I want balance? Do I want fun? Each of th women present both of these factors in the their own way. This is the hardest thing that I think I have ever gone through. The decision that I make here will have implications on my life for a long time. I am old enough and aware enough to understand that what I am doing is not ethcial. But sometimes ethics don't come into play when deciding what is right and wrong. I have tried being honest and talking to my co-worker, thinking it would be easier and that she has alot to lose, but still she thinks it is worth the risk and says it's not like we are having sex we are just hanging out, getting to know each other, and kissing. I really just have no idea what I want. I know about what I want out of my career, my family, and pretty much everything else. I am very self aware and know my wants and needs. It's just I don't know who or how those needs can be best met. Does anyone understand this?

Do I want balance? Do I want fun? Each of th women present both of these factors in the their own way.......... This is the hardest thing that I think I have ever gone through. The decision that I make here will have implications on my life for a long time....... I am very self aware and know my wants and needs. It's just I don't know who or how those needs can be best met. Does anyone understand this?
Do you see a common theme here???? Me Me Me, I want, I need, My life....
You suffer from the real sickness that all addicts really suffer from...Head Up You *** Syndrome!!! And I say that with love....
What about their lives??? And you still didnt address my questions about honesty!

This is the hardest thing that I think I have ever gone through. The decision that I make here will have implications on my life for a long time.
Well, it could be even harder if you were going through this while married, wouldn't it? This WILL pass, and you will be able to look back on it as one of life's lessons, regardless of how it turns out.


I am old enough and aware enough to understand that what I am doing is not ethcial. But sometimes ethics don't come into play when deciding what is right and wrong. I have tried being honest and talking to my co-worker, thinking it would be easier and that she has alot to lose, but still she thinks it is worth the risk and says it's not like we are having sex we are just hanging out, getting to know each other, and kissing.
What's right for you is not necessarily right for her, and vice versa. I've also found that loving someone sometimes means not giving them what they think they want. She needs to face what she is doing and why, and you are providing a distraction for her. She's married. You are a distraction. What is right for you?


I really just have no idea what I want. I know about what I want out of my career, my family, and pretty much everything else. I am very self aware and know my wants and needs. It's just I don't know who or how those needs can be best met. Does anyone understand this?
Hey! You are ahead of me in that I don't know what I want out of my career either.

But I've found that it's okay to not know what you want! It really is!! These things take time...some people take more time than others. Do you feel like you MUST know NOW what you want in terms of marrying your GF? Why?

Honesty on the other hand....well, I agree with Jenjor. Indecision and uncertainty are not 'wrong'....tehy simply means you don't yet know what you want...don't have enough information...not ready to comitt...whatever. Dishonesty will just make you feel worse about yourself and fester, like a nasty sore.

Can you continue being friends with the married girl without kissing or in any ways 'sneaking around'? Can you tell your GF that you and the married girl are friends? And that you aren't ready to make a comittment more than where you are now?

Oh, I do understand.

Joyous56]Well, it could be even harder if you were going through this while married, wouldn't it? This WILL pass, and you will be able to look back on it as one of life's lessons, regardless of how it turns out.


Yes of course it would. I don't want it to be a lesson. I want it to be a choice. And a good one. These two girls mean more to me then any other two women have in my life. I come from a divorced home and the biggest thing I don't want for my family is for it's parents to be divorced. I know that if things keep going I could be creating a divorced home and I am really not cool with that. I just don't know what the right person for me is or what it might/coulld/should feel like because I change what I want almost daily. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, sometimes I just want to be close, sometimes I just her to be my friend, sometimes I am motivated, sometimes I am unmotivated, sometimes I am dependable, sometimes I am not, basically I have been told that I am most complicated person by a few different girlfriends. Even the married women said to me today that whenever she thinks she has me figured out I change/do/or say something that changes, mostly in a small way, how she looks at me or feels about me. But when she said it, I really couldn't help but think she really liked it. I know this is my current girlfriend's biggest problem with me. But like we all know the married women only knows me for like 1/3 of the time, mostly as friends, as my girlfriend.


What's right for you is not necessarily right for her, and vice versa. I've also found that loving someone sometimes means not giving them what they think they want. She needs to face what she is doing and why, and you are providing a distraction for her. She's married. You are a distraction. What is right for you?


Yeah and I know that. But right now, of course since it's the beginning, I can't see anything wrong with her. Other then I don't know if I agree with her parenting style totally. But since she is playing the role of both father and mother I can see where it would be hard for her to be the loving and nutruring mother when she also has to be the tough love and remprimander. She has looked at what she is doing, and I often try my hardest to get her too, but she always come back with we are just friends. But more and more everyday her words get more and more futuristic instead of present. If I knew what was right for me I wouldn't be in this situation.


Hey! You are ahead of me in that I don't know what I want out of my career either.

But I've found that it's okay to not know what you want! It really is!! These things take time...some people take more time than others. Do you feel like you MUST know NOW what you want in terms of marrying your GF? Why?

Honesty on the other hand....well, I agree with Jenjor. Indecision and uncertainty are not 'wrong'....tehy simply means you don't yet know what you want...don't have enough information...not ready to comitt...whatever. Dishonesty will just make you feel worse about yourself and fester, like a nasty sore.

Can you continue being friends with the married girl without kissing or in any ways 'sneaking around'? Can you tell your GF that you and the married girl are friends? And that you aren't ready to make a comittment more than where you are now?

Oh, I do understand

Yes I do have to know what I want. I also have a problem with trying to predict the future. I always get so focused on the "What Ifs?". I mean even my co-worker says I think way too much about this. BTW the what ifs really only come into play with my girlfriends because like I have said before I pretty much everything else figured out. I feel like I have to know because I know what I want for my family and like I said before I don't want to get divorced. I don't feel bad my dishonesty, or maybe I am just lying to myself, I feel the sore festering because I know I have to make a decision and I can't. It is eating at me like salt on a snail. My GF is friends with my co-worker so I think she knows that we are friends. They aren't like best friends but they have hung out a few times. I don't think that me and my co-worker could be friends without kissing. There is just way too much attraction and sexual tension between us. I have told my girlfriend that I am not ready to committ and she said that all she wanted to know is when I thought I would be ready to committ because she didn't want to be waiting around for me for years and me end up telling her I don't want to be with her. Yeah like I am going to walk out of my door tomorrow slip, fall, hit my head, and when I wake up I will realize that she's the one for me. I don't know much about what I want from a girlfriend/wife but I don't think that is how I am going to realize it. Especially with my need to know that it will last forever. I am going to start a new thread about my thoughts on love and relationships. Maybe that would be a better way of going about getting some help on this.

What kind of help are you hoping to get? Understanding? I DO understand; it's not like you are the first person to be undecided about what they want. I can't help noticing that you keep saying that you've got pretty much everything else figured out. I take that to mean that you believe it's possible to get everything figured out, once and for all, and be done with that. What do you think life is about? Do you really think anybody gets it all figured out and then doesn't have to worry about it anymore? Please, with all due respect, get real.

You seem to want an answer where you can have your cake and eat it too. Explore a new relationship without jeopardizing the one you've invested four years in already...even though you're not ready to make a comittment to her. You don't believe in divorce and don't want to be the cause of one...but you can't bring yourself to resist that sexual tension thing (and if she actually does cheat on her husband, if she hasn't already, how will you ever know for sure she won't cheat on you)?

I have tried to make the point that it is okay not to know what you want, and that being honest about that is the only right way to deal with it. Life does not fit perfectly into a nice neat pattern; it's messy and painful and unpredictable and wonderful all at the same time. You win a few, you lose a few. Nothing worthwhile comes without work and sacrifice. And on and on.....

Oh, heck. I'm almost twice as old as you and went through all that and still go through all that. I tried to figure it all out for years, and it nearly drove me nuts. I am at a point where I just have to accept it all, and try to live in today, try to live right. As much as I would like - and have tried - to help, I can't. Nor can anybody, really.

But good luck!

I'm sorry, but I agree with cjsull. You are being absolutely selfish! If you had a daughter who was with a guy like you, what advice would you give her? Wouldn't you want to go punch this punks nose into his face? C'mon now, be honest. No more justification. There is RIGHT and WRONG, and you know which one is which. Feelings don't matter here. Feelings are not what keeps a marriage together, and they are not what make a person decent.

cjsull wrote: *You may be a good person who is just in the fog, but I really hope you wake up soon...*

I will add to her statement by saying this: A person with dispicable behavior CANNOT be a good person! A good person is earned by having good behavior!

You need to grow up and knock this little boy, selfishness off. It's time to be a man, act like a man, and find some honor and integrity. What are you worth? What defines you?

Joyous56]What kind of help are you hoping to get? Understanding? I DO understand; it's not like you are the first person to be undecided about what they want. I can't help noticing that you keep saying that you've got pretty much everything else figured out. I take that to mean that you believe it's possible to get everything figured out, once and for all, and be done with that. What do you think life is about? Do you really think anybody gets it all figured out and then doesn't have to worry about it anymore? Please, with all due respect, get real.
I don't think that I can have everything figured out. And when I say that I have everything pretty much figured out I speak in REALLY general terms. I like my job, I excel at it, and I have a bright future in it. Will I ever really be as successful as I think I can and will be...I don't know and I am fine with that. I know that there is a certain quality of life that I want for my family and that I will whatever it takes, within reason, to get it for them. Does this mean mansions and mercedez. I don't know I just want my family to be taken care of. But when it comes to SOs I don't even know where to start. I have nothing figured out. I just know that both of the women in my life make me feel good in certains ways. I also know that my co-worker does not make me feel bad in anyway, of course we have not be in any real relationship situations so I don't know. But I do know that my current girlfirend can, does, and will make me feel like absolute crap from time to time when she gets really upset with me. She does not know how to control her anger and just says things that she knows will really hurt me. Then say she is sorry and expect it to just be dropped. Amongst other things but are the things I think are so bad about her, thought them before the co-worker came into the picture so that's not it, really that bad? I have no idea I am a very laid back person and don't even realize things are bothering me until it hits me. But then again it's not like it just hits me it just when I want something and don't recieve it or something happens that I don't like this is when I remember these things and then they are like relighting an old fire that didn't need to be relighted. I guess this is a personality flaw of mine? I don't know.


You seem to want an answer where you can have your cake and eat it too. Explore a new relationship without jeopardizing the one you've invested four years in already...even though you're not ready to make a comittment to her. You don't believe in divorce and don't want to be the cause of one...but you can't bring yourself to resist that sexual tension thing (and if she actually does cheat on her husband, if she hasn't already, how will you ever know for sure she won't cheat on you)?

I really doh't want my cake and eat it too though. I want just one person to love, have a few kids with, raise them well, and then grow old, all while having fun and supporting each other allowing us to both become everything we both ever wished for. This is why I just keep posting and reading. I really spend like 3 hours a night reading stuff and then another 2-4 just laying in my bed thinking about everything. But it doesn't feel like I am getting any closer at all to any realizatoin. If anything I think I am getting further and further away and just burning myself out more and more. I mean my girlfriend said all she wants to know is if I think I will be ready anytime soon to get engaged. I am just trying soooo hard to figure out what I want and just let her get on with her life and hopefully be friends or bu her that rock she wants and hopefully live happily ever after. I have no idea about the cheating thing. But I appreciate the extra factor to consider:D


I have tried to make the point that it is okay not to know what you want, and that being honest about that is the only right way to deal with it. Life does not fit perfectly into a nice neat pattern; it's messy and painful and unpredictable and wonderful all at the same time. You win a few, you lose a few. Nothing worthwhile comes without work and sacrifice. And on and on.....


Yeah but is it ok, or healthy, to not know anything about the ONE THING you want more then anything. Being honest now will only mess everything up for everyone. I mean if I told my girlfriend about the co-worker she would definitely call my co-workers house, they are friends remember, and tell her husband. Then everyone's life is as messy as mine. At least now I can just break it off with one of them and still be friends and the only person that is hurt is my integrity for doing this. Hopefully that can be repaired but once again I don't know. Believe me I know about sacrifice. I have had to sacrifice more then I can explain to you in a post and a box of tissues. But that is the thing I don't want to sacrifice. I just want to be happy. This realizatoin has been a long time coming and my girlfriend asking me about if I thought we shoudl be engaged finally kicked me over the edge and forced me to actually figure it out. Unfortuantely I suck and had to add even more confusion to an already super confusing and depressing situation. O yeah have I told I am REALLY REALLY good a messing things up in any kind of relatoinship whether it be family, friend, or SO. But I guess fortunately it's kind of an all or nothing thing because if I am not really really messing things up I am really really makings things good. Figure that one out.


Oh, heck. I'm almost twice as old as you and went through all that and still go through all that. I tried to figure it all out for years, and it nearly drove me nuts. I am at a point where I just have to accept it all, and try to live in today, try to live right. As much as I would like - and have tried - to help, I can't. Nor can anybody, really.

But good luck!Well give my my padded room and take away my adderall so I can't concentrate on anything remotely productive. I truly appreciate all your help. But I guess it's like my girlfriend told me last night "Your Impoosible". So what are anit-depressents like? <- Not funny but really may become the simple truth shortly.

I'm sorry, but I agree with cjsull. You are being absolutely selfish! If you had a daughter who was with a guy like you, what advice would you give her? Wouldn't you want to go punch this punks nose into his face? C'mon now, be honest. No more justification. There is RIGHT and WRONG, and you know which one is which. Feelings don't matter here. Feelings are not what keeps a marriage together, and they are not what make a person decent.

cjsull wrote: *You may be a good person who is just in the fog, but I really hope you wake up soon...*

I will add to her statement by saying this: A person with dispicable behavior CANNOT be a good person! A good person is earned by having good behavior!

You need to grow up and knock this little boy, selfishness off. It's time to be a man, act like a man, and find some honor and integrity. What are you worth? What defines you?
You know what this selfishness stuff needs to stop. It takes two to tango my friend. And I tried to tell her that I wanted to stop in my own way and it didn't work. And you know what when I am with her none of this depressing and mind boggling stuff does even goes through my head. It's like we are somewhere that no one else can touch us. And you know what I don't know if I ever felt like that before but I do know I like it alot. She makes me laugh/smile, she does all of the little things, that I love SO much, without even having to be asked, and she doesn't make me feel like my ADHD, or taking adderall, is a bad thing.

My current girlfriend doesn't do any of this with any consistently but she does level me, keep me straight, doesn't allow me to fall of course, but also pretty much sees my ADHD as like a disease and hates when I take my adderall because she said it makes me a completely different person. She can also do the little things if I explicitly ask her and then remind her every two minutes, can make me laugh occasionally if she is in one of her silly moods, and is slowly but surely trying to get everyone around me to try and get me off my meds and try to make me believe that I don't have ADHD. She has worse denial about it then I did when I got diagnosed 4 years ago. I have actually gotten 3 opinions to please her. Not one of the doctors, phychologist, physciatrist, and family doctor knew what the other doctor's diagnosis was and they diagnosed it the same. ADHD combination subtype. But my girlfirend would probably have me get enough opinions until one said I didn't have it and then tell me it's my diet.

I am trying to grow up. I understand how I am acting and will except the consequences of my actions if anything happens. But I am not going to mess up the lives of four people and two children. It's not like my co-worker is sneaking away from her family at night to come and see me. We don't have ANY contact whatsoever outside of work. So though my actions may be wrong my decision to keep things quiet right now I think is right because it's not affecting my relationship with my girlfirend or her home life.

Finally, there is only two people in life that can judge me. Myself and God so I will not even answer your final questions. I know if God's eyes I am going to hell if I die today and that is a consequence of my action I guess I would have to accept. But my girlfriend and co-worker's husband unlike God will not forgive me for my sins just for being sorry, admitting them, and then doing a pennace. I am who I am right now and I am working on becoming a person.

You know what I will answer one of them. Is that what you wanted to hear? I define myself as a loving, caring, compassionate person with alot of career potential. People can always come to me and I will acitvely listen to what they are saying and let them know what they need to hear not what they want to hear. I am spontaneous, blunt, funny, and love being the center of attention. I often make people feel uncomfortable or even make them dislike me with my humor but once they get to know me they love it more then they ever hated it. I like nice things but don't require them for happiness. But LOVE and fulfillment I do require I just don't how to get this or who will give me this. I am always at least 5 minutes late most times more. I cannot do anythiing unless there is pressure to complete, like a project deadline that I absolutely positively procastinated on until the absolute last minute or it stimmulates my mind. My adderall helps with though but I ONLY take my adderall at work because I do find that it kills my out-going, spontaneous, and comedic parts of my personality. I suck at small talk and cannot hold a conversation with someone one on one for more than 15 minutes. And finally I am not the best decision maker, outside of professional environments, and I know this. I either over analyze or pleasure seek which more often leads to a bad decision. But my most defining characteristic is that I can't remember the last time I actually thought before or word came out of my mouth. I just open it and whatever comes out comes out. And you know what... I like that because in some sort of weird way it is such a self-esteem and confidence booster for me to just always speak my mind even though it may make zero sense, not be funny, or anything else. But at least it's out. So that's me. Love it or leave it..........

But LOVE and fulfillment I do require I just don't how to get this or who will give me this.
Oh. I get it now. You believe that love is something you GET, something someone GIVES you.

Has it never occured to you that love is something you GIVE? Love is not about getting, it's about giving. And don't tell us that you give and give....because it sounds like you may do and do....but you don't really give. And it's not just about an occasional sacrifice now and then, or even all the time.

Love is about being genuinely concerned about the other person's best interests, about helping them to be all that they can be. It's about not wanting to do anything....ANYTHING...to hurt them, decieve them or get in the way of their growth as a person.

It doesn't sound like you love either of these women. You do not yet know what love is. It's not about what they feel for you, or can do for you, but what you are willing and prepared to do for them. You won't give up the married woman even though you know that it could break up her marriage and leave her kids with a divorce to deal with. If you love her at all, let her go and maybe she will decide to leave her marriage (if it's all that bad), and THEN you could think about a relationship. If you love your girlfriend, put an end to the relationship with the married lady and buy her a ring.

If you don't love either of them enough to do these things...then let them both go, concentrate on your career, and put some effort into discovering the value in really loving someone enough to put their needs first.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not suggesting you give up everything for someone, or giving in to unrealistic demands or requirements...because that is not necessary. Because someone that loves you will not (1) put you in the position of being 'the other man', or (2) not allow you to grow and discover your self...including the ADD part.

You are 25. That is young. For someone with ADD, it can mean that you are even less mature than others your age. Don't expect yourself to make comittments you aren't ready for. But for the sake of both these women, get honest.

Joyous and everyone in here. I had what a therapist would call a breakthrough today. It was so weird I was taking a shower, washing my hair, and somehow it just hit me. I don't have the time to go into it but it all relates back to my childhood I think. I am writing this to remind myself of all of the things I want to tell you all but most importantly I wanted to thank all of you for your advice and time reading all of my long posts. I will let you all know later on tonight or tomorrow. Right now I gotta go meet the girlfriend. But I must say that today was one of the best days of my life. THANK YOU ALL.

It doesn't take two to tango, it takes a man to act like one. You said you "tried to tell her" you wanted to stop? There is no such thing as trying (really think about that) there is succeeding and failing. If you "try" and the situation stays the same, that's called failure. If you listen to yourself, you keep stating what each of these women are doing for YOU.....just stuck on yourself...how about what you do for either of them? Are you making either of their lives better? Let me answer that for you...NO you are not. Then you say, you are "trying" to grow up? Which is it...success or failure?

You cannot get onto a forum and ask people what they think and then when they tell you, respond with "only God can judge me" crap. People can judge you too, and believe it or not, everyone that knows you does judge you. I wonder they think? From the sounds of it, you probably only choose friends that support your "feelings", so that way they always judge you positively, just the way you see yourself. Your description of yourself is funny...because listening to your different forum ramblings, you sound nothing like your description. It is interesting, though, what we think of ourselves, while we never really LOOK.

My questions were asked only for you to ponder and it seems they didn't work. So, in my opinion, your situation is hopeless. You are approaching women, relationships, and yourself in the absolute wrong way which will probably just give you a jumbled mess of a life one day with kids sprinkled around with different mothers while you eternally search for someone who will finally make you happy, and finally understand you.

Pathetic.

It doesn't take two to tango, it takes a man to act like one. You said you "tried to tell her" you wanted to stop? There is no such thing as trying (really think about that) there is succeeding and failing. If you "try" and the situation stays the same, that's called failure. If you listen to yourself, you keep stating what each of these women are doing for YOU.....just stuck on yourself...how about what you do for either of them? Are you making either of their lives better? Let me answer that for you...NO you are not. Then you say, you are "trying" to grow up? Which is it...success or failure?

You cannot get onto a forum and ask people what they think and then when they tell you, respond with "only God can judge me" crap. People can judge you too, and believe it or not, everyone that knows you does judge you. I wonder they think? From the sounds of it, you probably only choose friends that support your "feelings", so that way they always judge you positively, just the way you see yourself. Your description of yourself is funny...because listening to your different forum ramblings, you sound nothing like your description. It is interesting, though, what we think of ourselves, while we never really LOOK.

My questions were asked only for you to ponder and it seems they didn't work. So, in my opinion, your situation is hopeless. You are approaching women, relationships, and yourself in the absolute wrong way which will probably just give you a jumbled mess of a life one day with kids sprinkled around with different mothers while you eternally search for someone who will finally make you happy, and finally understand you.

Pathetic.
You know what. I had an awesome day today. I am in a really good place now. I have described myself in what you have called ramblings to the best of my ability. And maybe I really am not all of those things. But I will be. You don't know me from tom, richard, or harry. I personally don't care about your judgement because really I am the only person that has to like me and right now I do. You may not like what I am doing and I have stated many times that I don't like what I am doing. But today I figured alot out. NOw it's time to make some decisions. I also may not be a man yet but I am working on it. Some days I fail some days I succeed. But you shoud realize.....Even in failure, people often find success. Maybe you should realize this. Because it may have taken my biggest failure, this situation, to obtain my biggest success.

I have an ADD married friend who has been cheating with various women over his 20 year marriage. Not really affairs, basically one night stand things. We have discussed the whys and have come up with:

Prefer sexual relationships because that way the woman never gets to know the "real" man. You know, the one who secretly, inside, thinks he is a S.o.B. loser who can't think straight and consistently disappoints his wife (therefore who would disappoint any woman)

Remember when you have ADD you have been telling yourself for years that you are no good, or not normal and this has been reinforced by emotional relationships where a partner has been disappointed at least once (that is really when you see the emotional relationship as being over (or no longer perfect) and need to seek that perfection again. We Add'ers have to change our way of thinking from one of always needing perfection to growing up and realizing that we are going to disappoint a spouse or a child or a boss and that's okay.

He also feels, that at home he is *****whipped and by keeping a secret from his wife and screwing around on her, he has a secret that gives him power over her once again. On and on that viscious circle goes.

Remember too that you are only 25. Perhaps you should step away from both women, and center yourself, make yourself happy without having any kind of relationships for a time.

Also, an aside to the women who attacked you:

No, cheating is not good, but neither is attacking someone who needs help. Let's try to offer some guidance about how ADD affects self-esteem and the potential dangerous behaviors that causes.

PS. I think the married one is just using you cause she is bored at home. Are you comfy with being "used?" Flirting with someone and kissing them will not help her marital problems, ergo, her marital problems (if they exist) aren't all that important to her or else she would be at a counselors not with you.

I hope this helps.

Because it may have taken my biggest failure, this situation, to obtain my biggest success.I have relationship issues and ADD too. maybe we should go out sometime. ;)

My Breakthrough........

It really is amazing. I have realized why I have acted the way that I have and why I have chosen the people that I have.

I realized that due to my troubled childhood I have been looking at things ALL WRONG. You see growing up I was a very needy, wanting affection and attention, but I never recieved this. My sister was always the oldest and my brother was the baby. Of course normal middle child syndrome. But this got worse as time went on. My sister was raped and was really struggling with depresssion. My brother was doing and dealing drugs at the age of 12. I was just always what you would call the normal one. But I was so starved for affection and attention. This is what my issues were with my mother that I told you I had dealt with. And we have a pretty good relationship now me and my mom. She didn't realize that I needed sooo much attention growing up because I wasn't the one having problems. But i guess ironically that's how thing always turn out. It's the so called normal ones that need the most help.

What I didn't realize is how badly this affected my relationships. I was always choosing girls that were coming out of bad relationships or had a troubled childhood. I always thought they related to me for some reason but they didn't. You see I was trying to give them all the things that I never had. I was somehow thinking that if I gave someone else what I always wanted it would somehow make me feel better. And it kind of did but also what I didnt' realize is that I was doing all of this giving that somewhere along the lines I would always lose myself. Also it is almost human nature that when someone gives and REALLY asks for nothing in return or doesn't stick up for their own wants and needs that you just take advantage of it. But when I started to feel taken advantage of that is when I would cheat. But I didn't realize this until now all I used to reallize is the anger from not recieving not realizing that I wasn't asking for anything in return I was just trying to mend myself by giving someone else anything and everything they wanted because that is what I wanted when I was a kid. Unconditional, unending, all encompassing love.

Now I have realized is that love isn't that it's meeting someone who will give me what I want. Which I don't really know what that is right now because I just realized that the basis for all my relationships was completely related to my emotional trauma. So your right I have to figure out what I want. Now the problem with that is I am realizing that my girlfriend really isnt what I want even though I know she loves me and would probably give me anything I want. But we just aren't that compatiable. And I also think that the reason I want my co-worker so bad and won't give her up is because I don't think that my relationship with her is based on the above principle.

The reason I say this is because she is the one that got me started on this journey. REALLY. Giving her the relationship and marriage advice that I did is what really got me thinking about what I really wanted. And that is where all of the confusion started. So without her I would still be unenlightened.

NOw the problem is how do you tell a girlfriend of 5 years that everything your relationship was based on was not REAL and that the things that you have done for her in the past weren't really based on LOVE but your emotional trauma from childhood.

Also how do I figure out if my relationship with the co-worker is based on this also. Could the newness of our relationship be clouding my judgement. I don't know but I really don't feel like it is because I have not done anything for her other then just talk about our feelings, our wants, our needs, and our lives. It's not like I was bringing her flowers, writing her love letters, and all of the over bearing things that I normally do with my new relationships. I almost force love not develop it. But with her, and her situation attributes to this also, that is impossible and we have been just friends until recently. I have worked with her for like 2 years and we have always kind of clicked because we are like the only two in the office in our age group.

Though I now realize things I am also still very confused. But I am also very happy. I still yearn to have someone but don't necessarily fear being alone anymore. It's really weird. I know I have some decisions to make and definitely have some conversations to have with both of them. But that is ok.

Also I told my co-worker about this revelation today. And she was so receptive. She also talked to me about my ADHD and didn't get frustrated at all. She didn't even seem to care when I know my ADHD drives my girlfriend crazy. She basically said that she accepts it and understand its. And I said I don't think that you can understand it because you don't have it. She replied, best reply I have ever heard btw, that in order to accept it I woudl have to understand it wouldn't I? I had to agree. And then she paused and said I accept it.

WOW. Though I now understand more then I ever have I am still sooooo confused. But it's not a depressing confusion anymore. It's actually kind of exciting to think I could be in a relationship and just have fun rather then trying to make up for stuff, force my love on them, or be trying to give them everything I never did. I can just be myself, talk to her about what I want, emphasis on the I, but still be my giving my self. But not giving for all the wrong reasons. Giving for the right ones.

I may not have answered all your questions and I never thought of it as everyone yelling at me or anything like that. I am just the kind of person that needs to get the 8 gazillion tons of thoughts out of my head and let people hear me. Then replace that space with informatoin and comments valuable to making decisions. I don't know if you will understand that because I am not sure I do. I am really bad a explaining my thought processes. REALLY BAD.

IN closing thank you for sticking with me. I am truly in your debt. THANKS.
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Congratulations on your breakthrough!


Also, I understand your gazillion thoughts and your need to work them out here. That really is a very healthy behavior and will lead you to a more enlightened self-awareness (which will need updated from time to time).

The first thing in your post, describing that you are giving what you want is very common in relationships and is the basis of John Gray's philisophies (you know the men are from mars, women are from venus, see the section about primary needs).

As for the married one, I know you feel that you owe her a lot and that you probably really can't wait to make love to her, but...don't you think that you deserve better than being the "second string" quarterback? She may seem sweet and understanding but she has her own agenda.

In my opinion (a total stranger, so take it with a grain of salt) that you should suggest a "time out" with your current girlfriend. That is the easiest way of breaking up without a conflict that you don't need or can't handle. Start looking to live your life independently because, "the married one" as supportive as she may seem at this point, will not be able to give you all of her time. That may be good enuf for you, for now, but you will find that it has its limits.

Take care and good luck with everything. I think you are a strong and wise person with a lot of potential, you are young and have many years to mature. You have no need to rush into anything.

Hey there. I see that this was posted a long time ago, and I didn't read a single reply, just the original post. I'm still going to chime in in brief.

I don't think you ought to consider marrying the current girlfriend, nor do I think you should pursue your married co-worker.

I wish you the best and I am really not trying to be judgemental, but it seems like you don't approach relationships with the most maturity By your own confession, you have cheated on everyone you have ever been with. I'm not naive and I know that happens sometimes when people are unhappy. (I know that even good people who don't think it is right sometimes have affairs.) But in principle, I don't understand why that continues to be acceptable behavior in your mind? Why in the world would you want to be involved with another woman .. who is married? Does it not seem wrong, just because she says she is unhappy in her marriage? Why isn't the idea of that unacceptable to you? Maybe you need to ask yourself that. It can't really be worth it, simply because she strokes your arm a certain way...

You said you and your current girlfriend don't have a lot in common. You were talking about commitment and saying that you weren't willing to compromise or change for someone. These are all signs that you shouldn't contemplate marriage at this time, and especially not with this girlfriend. Because marriage does include compromise and some change. The trick is to marry someone with similar enough interests and values and beliefs that the compromises you make are worth the benefits of being together.

I think you'd be better off ending both relationships and thinking more about what you really want for yourself. Good luck.

Wow this was pretty harsh. First of all what I am doing is wrong but also feels right. I know that. I am not stupid. I am sorry for your adulterous husband but I am not married. Though I may be messing around with a married women. I have very big problem making big decisions. It really depresses me to have to do this almost to the point where I shut down. That is why I just make little decisions and when something big happens I just go with the flow. I don't know how I feel about my girlfriend. I love her when I am with her but when I am not I am not sure. The same with my co-worker. I have not looked at this situation from the way that you have shown it to me. I really am not a bad person. I really got into this situation because I was trying to help a friend work her marriage out. Giving her advice about needing to take some alone time with him, explaining to him that she is the only one doing anything in the home, and that they both created their children but she is the only one raising them. And now it has turned into this. I really am not a bad person just in a REALLy bad situation. Like I have said before I am really BAD at expressing anything witih keyboard. I may have not explained everything the best way I could. But now I am feeling depressed after reading this and feeling like something I am reallly not. A bad person. Well no that everything is completely out of control I guess I have to step up and do something.
I posted before after only having read your first post. I am now posting after getting just past this part.

I suggest that no matter how hard it is for you to be alone, that you end both of these relationships right away and spend some time soul searching.

Saying something "is wrong but also feels right", thinking it less serious to be messing around with a married woman just because you yourself aren't married, implying that you didn't mean for it to escalate into an affair but then also admitting that you cheated on other relationships previously, saying that you aren't a bad person, just in a really bad situation - all of this makes me think that you just aren't taking any responsibility for the consequences of what you are doing. I'm sorry but it reminds me of a snake who says, "You know, I am really not a snake. At least I don't want to be one. I don't want to bite people!" .. but keeps biting.

That is still a biting snake.

So you don't want to be a dishonest partner or an adulterer? Good that you don't want to be that, but you currently are both of those things. If you really feel those things are wrong then it should be unacceptable for you to remain so. Take responsibility by breaking it off with both women and try to become the person you want to be in the future.

I am old enough and aware enough to understand that what I am doing is not ethcial. But sometimes ethics don't come into play when deciding what is right and wrong.
This is the whole problem.

I was always choosing girls that were coming out of bad relationships or had a troubled childhood. I always thought they related to me for some reason but they didn't.
Any possibility that you're still doing that?? i.e., the married one????

Now I have realized is that love isn't that it's meeting someone who will give me what I want.
Huh? I'd think that one over again. Arent you the one that said it takes two to tango?? Relationships are never a one way street.

Now the problem with that is I am realizing that my girlfriend really isnt what I want even though I know she loves me and would probably give me anything I want. But we just aren't that compatiable. And I also think that the reason I want my co-worker so bad and won't give her up is because I don't think that my relationship with her is based on the above principle .


Love is someone who will give me what I want, therefore, my girlfriend, who I know will give me what I want, is not for me. Meanwhile, the married one, who I am giving relationship advice too because she's in such a bad relationship (like all the girls I used to be attracted to) isnt based on that principle???? I think there is a small problem with the logic here.



She replied, best reply I have ever heard btw, that in order to accept it I woudl have to understand it wouldn't I? I had to agree. And then she paused and said I accept it.
She has not lived with you. She does not know what behaviors you are even talking about. She has no history with you. She's in an unhappy marriage. She finds you exciting and you havent even had sex yet???
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HER TO SAY?????:faint:

Best of luck Dude!



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Well all of you out there that haven't done it already get ready to bash me. We did it. The one thing that we never should have done was done last week. We had sex. And yes it was amazing. Not just because it was different but because it was like we were sexual soul mates or some corny thing like that. It was really weird and I had never felt like I did before when I was with her. Yes I am "officially" the worst person ever and thati something that I have to deal with on a daily basis and that has been essentially ruining everyday since then. I have told her that I don't want to do anything anymore that could be considered physical. She understood and we have not done anything the past two days. She says that she respects my feelings and will do whatever I want just not lose me as a part of her life. She said that if she can't be physical with me then she would rather just deal with the hardships of being friends then being completely out of her life. I guess this is good right? The problem now is that we are talking soooo much more on the phone. Late at night, at work, whenever she needs to take a car ride. I mean all the time. At least every free moment we both get from our current SOs. Is this bad? It's not like we are talking about hooking up or having sex we are just talking. But like I asked before, is that bad?

Now for an update on the girlfriend situation. I had a talk with her last weekend aobut by breakthrough. And the more time that passes since the breakthrough the more that I change as a person. I dont' find myself overwhelming my girlfriend with words and actions. I just find myself being happy with who I am. Until I remember what I did with the co-worker and then I jsut get ****ed. But that is another side of things. She said that it was fine and that I was acting weird for like the past 3 months but she didn't want to say anything because she realized I was going through a tough personal time in my life and was just giving me space and time to figure things out. I explained to her that I won't ever be that person I was when we first started dated and that I was sick of the comment referring to me as that. I explained to her that referring to that only made me upset and made me realize that I was expressing my love for all the wrong reasons. She once again said that she tottally understood. But now I am hearing things from her friends asking me what I said to her because she was all upset. I don't understand why she didn't tell me she was upset. We have ALWAYS told each other everything but with this she just pretended everything was fine and even had sex with me after the talk. Was that good bye sex or something? I know that she just doesnt' understand me anymore and her world could be crumbling down because she may have built this picture of what her life would be like for the rest of her life, because like I have said before the ONLY thing she wants in her life right now is a ring from me, and now I have destroyed that by telling her that I am not the person that she thinks she is. I also told her that we would have to almost build our relationship from the ground up again. I told her this in an attempt to get her to get all of the thoughts about the way I used to be out of her mind and it is true. Me being a different person we would almost have to start over at hello from a boyfriend and girlfriend perspective but we would be starting out as much better firends then we did the last time.

Sorry got to get to a meeting. I will finish this later if I think of anything else.

My opinion?

Don't bother finishing this later if you think of anything else. I don't want to hear anymore (and yes, I realize that I don't have to read what you write). Your life is like a soap opera; I'm not sure why you are sharing all this, since it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks, and writing here doesn't seem to serve any purpose, except to put yourself in pring. Like your screen name states, You Do What You Want.

In fact, all you've written is consistent with Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Read on:

A pattern of grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy are the chief components in the diagnosis of NPD. These behaviors begin in early adulthood. A narcissistic individual is unable to trust others but replies on others to be a mirror which reflects back to him his unrealistic perception of his accomplishments, brilliance, talent, and beauty. A narcissistic individual has a fragile sense of self. To strengthen his sense of self he depends on other's admiration and constant attention. He expects other's to covet his possessions and he is constantly seeking compliments. Thus the narcissist develops numerous, shallow relationships to extract tributes from others.

Because a narcissistic individual has a shifting morality--always ready to shift values to gain favor--any interaction with a narcissist is difficult. Narcissists are self-absorbed and have no interest in anyone other than themselves. Their tendency is to form friendships or romantic relationships with only those that can enhance their self-esteem or advance their purposes.

A narcissistic individual has a basic sense of inferiority although if you listen to him talk you would never realize it. A narcissist presents a false self to the world. Under his inferiority is a preoccupation with fantasies of outstanding achievement, ideal love, and an aimless orientation toward superficial interests. The narcissist uses others to aid him in any tasks he undertakes and will frequently take credit for work which others have done. The narcissistic individual may be more successful at his chosen field of work than some of the other personality disorders. This is because his work can be advantageous to the narcissist especially if it provides narcissistic supply.

It's not about having sex with the married woman, it's not about how you treat your girlfriend, it's about how this is always about you and nobody else. Don't go fooling yourself by thinking you're in love with either of these women; it's pretty clear you're incapable of it.

well, since I'm the type of adder who will say pretty much anything, and especially about a topic like this one, I'm going to have to chime in.....are you serious here guy!? this whole situation is just really bizzare....you have some SERIOUS issues., WAAAAAAAAAAAY more than just Add problems. Advice---RUN to the closest thearpist..amazing

My opinion?

Don't bother finishing this later if you think of anything else. I don't want to hear anymore (and yes, I realize that I don't have to read what you write). Your life is like a soap opera; I'm not sure why you are sharing all this, since it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks, and writing here doesn't seem to serve any purpose, except to put yourself in pring. Like your screen name states, You Do What You Want.

In fact, all you've written is consistent with Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Read on:

A pattern of grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy are the chief components in the diagnosis of NPD. These behaviors begin in early adulthood. A narcissistic individual is unable to trust others but replies on others to be a mirror which reflects back to him his unrealistic perception of his accomplishments, brilliance, talent, and beauty. A narcissistic individual has a fragile sense of self. To strengthen his sense of self he depends on other's admiration and constant attention. He expects other's to covet his possessions and he is constantly seeking compliments. Thus the narcissist develops numerous, shallow relationships to extract tributes from others.

Because a narcissistic individual has a shifting morality--always ready to shift values to gain favor--any interaction with a narcissist is difficult. Narcissists are self-absorbed and have no interest in anyone other than themselves. Their tendency is to form friendships or romantic relationships with only those that can enhance their self-esteem or advance their purposes.

A narcissistic individual has a basic sense of inferiority although if you listen to him talk you would never realize it. A narcissist presents a false self to the world. Under his inferiority is a preoccupation with fantasies of outstanding achievement, ideal love, and an aimless orientation toward superficial interests. The narcissist uses others to aid him in any tasks he undertakes and will frequently take credit for work which others have done. The narcissistic individual may be more successful at his chosen field of work than some of the other personality disorders. This is because his work can be advantageous to the narcissist especially if it provides narcissistic supply.

It's not about having sex with the married woman, it's not about how you treat your girlfriend, it's about how this is always about you and nobody else. Don't go fooling yourself by thinking you're in love with either of these women; it's pretty clear you're incapable of it.
First of all it does matter what everyone else thinks. But you all say. "Be honest and tell your girlfriend" or just do this, that, or the other thing like I can just go and do it and not have any problems afterwards. Like being honest is this gigantic ray of sunshine. In REALITY, honesty is just as big a **** storm as dishonesty. But in the end honestly looks better and pays off. I do a really ****ty job of expressing my through words. I more so tell you guys the story and whenever I try to express something I always mess it up royally, i know this because i try to re-read my posts before sending them, but I can't think of any other way to write it and then I think to myself that you all will understand but you obviously don't. This situation is tearing me apart. It's tearing my relationship with my girlfriend apart. It's also proably effecting my work because the other women is there. I was honest with my co-worker and we won't be doing anything physical anymore. Kissing, touching, making love.....none of it. But I am not going to stop hanging out with the girl. I like her and she is fun to be around. If it gets to a point where she pressures me about physical stuff or I feel I can't control my urges for the physical then I will stop hanging out with her completely. My girlfriend on the other hand gets weirder everyday and by this point she could possibly be cheating on me. Which I probably deserve because I believe in two basic concepts. Even Steven and What goes around comes around. Both these concepts don't make living my life any easier especially since I truly believe in both. I understand that as a result of my actions something bad will happen to me and that I deserve to be treated like crap by my girilfiriend for awhile because that would be even. Call my a lunatic but these are things that I believe in.

NOw I post here because you people, though I don't know a single one of you from Tom, Dick or Harry, are the only sane people in my life. My friends think it is awesome. Yeah they are still quite immature. I can't tell my family because they are married and would hate me. And I can't tell my girlfriend because I would lose her forever and though it is extremely selfish because I may not love her as a girlfriend anymore I still love her a lot and want her to be in my life always. I guess I don't know why I post here either. But the advice that you all provide makes me look at things in a way that I am not capable of. To be truly honest with you all I have grown up some since I started posting here and taking your comments to heart. Unfortunately I started way behind the curve and have alot of growing up to do. I have told you all before that I feel that I am a relatively self aware person. Not saying that I completely know myself and why I do everything that I do. But I am open-minded enough to realize that I do things and that I probably do them for certain reasons. And I am always looking to find these reasons. You all have provided some light on this path at times. And I thank you for that. I know I am frustrating individual and it probably amazes all of you that I can actually get a girlfriend.

I do not have NPD. I trust those that have earned it. I am definitely in no way saying that I trust alot of people but there are people that I trust. I also do not have a fragile sense of self. I for one really like me. I know that I am not perfect, I know that I am only average looking, but I believe that my personality, though flawed, is very good. I understand that if you want anything in this life you have to work EXTREMELY hard for it and that no one will ever just hand you anything. But I also know that oppurtunity should be considered a hand out but most people can't see oppurtunity even when it is staring them in the face. I on the other hand take advantage of any and every oppurtunity that is laid before me. Probably also why I am in this situation. I care for others more then I care for myself. To be honest with you, probably won't mean much now, I have given everything and I mean everything that I could to my girlfiriend while we were together. whether it be money, my time, my hear, my shoulder, anything and everything. There were times when I didn't go to a football game because she was having a bad day and wanted me to stay with her, there have been times when I didn't pay my rent because she had a bad week and I decided to take her away for a weekend, I have had to make up with my friends numerous times because they thought I was completely dissing them to be with her. I not only do these things and types of things for my girlfriend but also my friends, family, and even a complete stranger. Giving makes me feel good. I can't explain it nor should I be able to. But putting a smile on someone else's face is just as good as doing something to put a smile on my own face. I have said it before and I will say it again. I am a 100% giver. What does that mean to you. That means that if I give myself to someone or something I give 100%. Nothing more, nothing less. That is also why I have succeeded in many of the things that I have done in my life. I don't necessarily hang around anyone that tries to boost my self esteem. If anything my girlfirend is the ultimate downfall to my self esteem. She is always calling me irresponsible, fat, lazy, or tells me I am an immature kid because I like to play video games, or go to the park and swing on the swings. I would definitely say that my girlfriend is not someone who will boost my self-esteem all day and for no reason. And no that is not the reason I did what I did jsut for the record because I am guessing that will be someone's first comment. I would never and have never taken credit for anyone's work. That is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. I dont' even let someone tell someone else's joke without giving the original joke teller credit. I do fantasize about "Movie Love" and that would be the only thing from that whole description that applies to me. But really who doesn't. If anyone says that they have never fantasized about it they would be lying. At least in my opinion. I don't endlessly seek gratification or whatever it says. I went out with my girlfriend for this long without cheating on her. I mean if I endlessly seeked gratification I would have been cheating on her the whole time we have been together which I haven't. I am not NPD. I am ADHD. I have been to two different therapists, both have diagnosed me with the same thing, both have looked into everything from anxiety, to depression, to bipolar, to OCD, at the request of my mother of course. They both came back with the same conclussion. I have ADHD. But they both basically told me that they wanted to stop seeing me. They said that I have to start figuring out stuff on my own. They said that I was using them for the all the answers and letting their recommendations be my course. I am just confused people. Maybe I just don't have the ability to figure things out. I mean at work I can figure out almost anything so I know that the same problem does not apply here. When I play video games I can figure out anything so I know that it doesnt' apply to the creative side my brain. But when it comes to relationships I can't figure out anything. No matter who I am with, no matter how long I have been with them, no matter what they give me or I give them, I'm still just a blidn person trying to do an obstacle course. I hope that gets my point across. So of course your question will be. Then why get involved in relationships. Well I am also of the mentality to try your hardest, remember 100%, to get something done. And if you fail jump right back up and do it again. And if you fail jump right back up and do it again. It's like that Dwayne Wade commercial. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. That is what I am trying to do. My current girlfriend is the first person that I have EVER truly cared about in a relationship. Everyone else I cared about but not the point where I didn't cheat on them and not the point where I would truly dread having to tell them that I betrayed their trust. So I guess I just fell an 9th time. But I am afraid that I won't be able to get up the 9th.

I've been trying to follow this thread as best that I can.

Have you persued counseling for yourself? To help you sort out what it is you want? We're not professionals here. We can only give you our impressions of you, your post and base our response on experience. Sometimes it can seem better than a therapist, other times not.

I can tell you, that at this point, a counselor will not give you an extreme emotional response. They'll be direct and ask pointed questions. They'll get you to think about things you may not have. I think others have tried to do so here. Again, though, we have ADD, which you can identify with, but we're not doctors.

I'm glad to hear you're backing off on the co-worker and just being friends. It's not easy to hang out with someone you're physically attracted to, though. If you don't want to go there don't put yourself in the position to be able to do so. It seems to me, you think your girlfriend is worth figuring this out for.

Just curious, do you consider yourself polyamorous and do you think an "open relationship" is something you'd be interested in if your girlfriend was, too? Again, it's good to be brutally honest, and not just try to convince ourselves of what we think we should think and feel. But really, when you get right down to it, what's the honest-to-goodness thoughts, feelings and life that you have and want? How realistic is it? And as others have pointed out, you might not know right now, and it will change over the years.