I really think my 27 year old son has ADD. He is living with me and his life is a mess. How do I go about getting him diagnosed or even get him to check into it. If I bring it up to him, he just shrugs it off.
Thanks in advance for the wisdom I know you caring folks will share.

Mom in dismay,
Virginia Mom:confused:

Hi, Virginia Mom,
Welcome to the forum.
I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult.
The bad news to answer your question is , you may not be able to "make" him do anything. Esp since he is an adult.
I sometimes think it is more difficult to get guys to go, because they are still conditioned to think they are men, we don't take medication or go to head doctors...
I have a brother who was dx as child, now an adult, off meds and his life is a mess...can't make him go either, or take meds. I just keep talking to him about how much better I feel now that I am back on my medicine..
My husband...13 years...together, if he isn't ADHD I am Santa Clause,
his first appt with a doctor is 11-9-05...long time to convince him to get help. He acknowledged that he probably was ADD, (after filling out a questionaire my doctor used to help dx me) He filled out more yes than I did!
But he didn't do anything about it until recently.
You can't force them. They have to figure out they need help or even if he did get dx , he won't do anythign about it, like take meds or get a coach.
Does he like to read?
Maybe suggest a book? Or get him one? Let him kind of discover it for himself?
A lot of us did it that way.
There are a lot of good ADD books out there, one of my favorites is
I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy!

Good luck, I hope he does get help.
Until then, keep coming to the forum for support.

Thank you Justhope!
COuld you please give me the author of the book you mentioned?

http://user.cybrzn.com/~kenyonck/add/books/added_dim_kelly_hard.html

Here is the site for the authors...there may be more info on the forum for books
the authors are
Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo & Steve Ledinghan.

Good luck!

I would also like to add that he has no insurance, job, or car and though he is trying a little to get on his feet, he is depressed and doesn't have much initiative. I am trying to be patient but I'm losing it rapidly. Is there help out there for somebody in his situation?

It's true that you can't "make" him do anything. But just like you did when he was little, you can make doing something much more attractive than the consequences for not doing it.

If your son is truly depressed (and many men would be given the senario you've described, so it wouldn't be surprising at all), then the list of things that motivate him is probably quite small. You may need to address the depression before you can motivate him to do much else. Since this is your son and not your spouse, a certain amount of mothering can certainly be excused. Even though he's an adult, he's a depressed adult and he's your son.

Do you currently do everything for him like you did when he was younger? Free room, free food, do his laundry, he uses your car, etc? If you do, then you have plenty of bargaining chips to use. He NEEDS, for his own peace of mind and independence, to be paying you for these things. If he is unable to pay you with money (or if it is difficult for him because he's close to broke), then perhaps you can arrange with him that he can pay you by his attendance at doctors' appointments and by following their recommendations.

If you made the first appointment, were prepared to pay for it, and drove your son to it, how would he react? Would he do it because it is easier than not doing it at that point? Would he be willing to go through with an appointment to have his issues addressed if he knew it would "pay you back" for what you have done for him? Would he do it if you were able to make it clear to him that living with you could not continue unless he addressed his issues, now, in the way you wished them addressed?

Once you have found a motivator to get him help and the beginnings of his issues are addressed, especially the depression that is probably sapping his energy and ability to address anything else, he may become more willing to address the other issues that exist - the attention difficulties, the job, spending money wisely, etc.

He won't thank you for it right away, but if you are correct in your assumptions, and if the doctor is a good one, and if he takes the therapys and medications, then he might be able to thank you later - by getting a job and moving out and becoming the man you know he's capable of being.

Well depression and ADD often go hand in hand.

I agree the depression needs to be treated, although I treated my ADD first, and the depression was decreased enough for me to function...eventually I was diagnosed with mild clinical dpression as well.

This is a toughy for you I am sure. Again since he is grown, it's hard to push.

I guess one of my questions is, have you discussed with him, that he can't just lay around the house like a 13 year old? If he refuses to get help on his own, and you can't drag him, then sometimes as parents we have to do the most imaginable thing, let them go. And I mean, out the door to suffer their consequences.
I have had the experience with addicts, like those with ADD and depression, they are often in denial.
We can't force a change, they have to be ready.
If we don't have clear boundries in our home, if we are supporting them,
we need to do that first. Like I am not paying your way, free rent, food, etc if you are goig to do nothing...that may push them out the door on their own to get help...

However, if not, forceing them out, is an option. With continued cushioning, they never reach an uncomfortable enough place to want to get help.
Again, like an addict, if they have someone to take care of them all the time, they don't feel the pain enough to get help.
Depression is a disease just like addiction, but they have to make a choice to get help or suffer it .
If he isn't worried about getting out of bed, because he can always stay there, why would he get help?
Sometimes they need to suffer, like having to get a place, get a job, or at least look, lose and stumble, so they see they need help.

I had problems my whole teenage life, my mom did everything she could to force me to get help since I was a child. It did no good.
After being out on my own, and she cut the strings to help, like letting me come live with her for the 3rd time...I got help on my own, and she was the first one I called for it.

I hate to sound harse here. It's hard to let go, but it is truly his choice.
The appts are expensive. The meds are expensive.
If he lives with you, they may not let him get country help?
One his own, he may qualify for county assistance, health care?
Through your state Mental Health Assoc?
Some hospitals have programs for patients , that are unemployed, here they call them rated patients. They get free health / and discounted prescriptions.

Sorry I don't have any easy answers.
If he is the ADD inattentive like me, with the depression, the best thing that ever happened to me was not having a SOFT place to land.

Keep posting, you may get some more feedback, educate yourself, and see again if there is a support system in your area for you...

Best wishes,
Hope

posted by DianeS:
Would he do it if you were able to make it clear to him that living with you could not continue unless he addressed his issues, now, in the way you wished them addressed?


This is a good idea. I hadn't thought of doing it that way ........although her answers is an excellent option and I would try it that way first, you will need to draw boundaries should this plan fail. Justhopes suggestion would need to be "plan B". Most of all do NOT allow for procrastination, don't buy into excuses.



Sorry I don't have any easy answers.
If he is the ADD inattentive like me, with the depression, the best thing that ever happened to me was not having a SOFT place to land.


The above is true I know, justhope is my sister. Unlike me she was not hyper-active, and as long as our mom was there to rescue her she refused to grow up. I bounced right out of the house the benefit of hyper-active impulsive ADD, however inattentives are the opposite they often need "out side" motivations. Hope motivation sorry to say, was fear of starvation and homelessness. We ADDers can be a hard-headed lot.


All I can say that although these two post seem to say different things they are really not. You need to let your grown son know he is not going to be supported by you for the rest of his life. He will not change unless remaining the same is scarier than making changes. Situations don't change unless the people in them make those changes with in them selves.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Well said sis,

And so true we are VERY hard headed...and my particular type..is like ..hmmm a slough...so you have to do something to get him moving!
Start slow and then kick it into high gear!

There the truth has been told seconded by my sister...little unlikely he is a hyper ADd type...you will need to light a fire under him, literally!

And yes , please keep in touch and let us know how it goes!

Hope