Is love about being yourself or work?

My thoughts about this are that love is mostly about being yourself. I feel that I should just be able to be myself and this should make my significant other happy and vice versa. I wouldn't want someone to have to try and make me happy and I would just want to be myself and that make her happy. Think about it like this.

If my significant other was a person who in order to feel loved needed someone who was always a good listener, liked touching, cuddling, etc., and was able to express themself emotionally. I could do this naturally without trying. If they also like someone who was very affectionate, could put their feelings into actions creatively, and was good a being the center of attention, comdecially, in a group. I could also do this just by being myself. I mean I know there is much more to a relationship then just these things but as a basis if this concept were to be true don't you think it would make being in a relationship easier.

I think that if the above concept were true all you would have to worry about would be the hard times. Relationships could almost be deemed easy, or at least easier, instead of such hard work like I hear so many people say. People also always talk about relationships growing and people growing in relationships but if you are working so hard are you really growing? I would define growing as becoming the person you are not becoming more like someone else or adapting to satsify/fulfill your significant other.

My only contradiction to this is I believe that every person I meet I take a piece of. I believe that every person I meet and grow close to I take a bigger piece of. Finally, I believe that any person I fall in love with or love I take the biggest piece from. But in this sense I believe you grow in your OWN personality making it stronger not actually changing your personality.

I would really like anyone and everyones comments on this and maybe even someone who is for the other side of the argument that relationships really are hard work. I would also like to know who you all think that my views would relate to finding "The One" for me seeing as what I want and how I want it can change almost daily. Also what I give and how I give it can change daily.

I asked you a question in your other post, and I will give my $.02 here also. The best way to make the right match is to know yourself inside and out....this includes setting personal goals, achieving them, making longterm goals, taking steps to move in their direction, etc. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more you will realize that you don't change your mind that much....keep a journal and as time goes on you can look back to see the difference. The other thing is, ask a friend who has known you for a long time to describe you. Ask someone else. Ask more people. Do their lists of qualities match? I will bet their lists have lots in common.

About finding "the one"....i suggest that if you don't already...you should start listening to Dr. Laura. If you don't know what radio station she is on in your town or if she isn't, you can pay $30 for months and streamlink if from her site, which includes archived shows. SERIOUSLY, if you listen to her show, you WILL HAVE a good foundation by which to start looking for "the one". In your personal learning journey, I suggest reading both "Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives". It is very enlightening to the really dumb things we do as men and women (and we don't even realize we are doing it) that are bad for finding and being in a relationship.

That is a good beginning.

When you have put the work into yourself to create a beautiful piece of art that others want to admire, you will attract women that have done the same for themselves.

Another way of looking at this, I will explain through my own example. I was in a horrible marriage for 14 years to a selfish man. Since we married in our teens, and we did almost all the stupid things people do to mess up their lives, it wasn't a pretty picture. As far as I saw myself personally, I had always been told I was stupid, unworthy, valueless, and a mistake. I married that selfish man who added to those insults. At the end of our relationship, I wasn't much better off. I did not know what a good relationship looked like, and the dreams I had about one, I didn't think could ever happen to me. Now, this story so far sounds like I was a poor victim. I will tell you that it was not damaging just that one direction (from him to me). I did my share of damage....let me tell you, I am not a doormat and do not take insult quietly or peacefully.

Anyway....I am currently with the man of my dreams! Yes!!! It happened! Only now, can I see my previous relationship with these new eyes of what I deserve. And I cannot believe I accepted my previous relationship (Dr.Laura speaks about this often). I allowed myself to be worth less than I was worth because of some skewed thinking. For whatever reason, many people do this. They ignore their partner's behavior, they excuse it, they accept it....and it does not get better. You have to ask yourself if you are looking for a relationship so that you can fix someone? so that you can wait with patience for someone? Ask yourself what do you really want in a relationship?

What I have now, is what I always wanted, I just didn't realize I was worth it back then. I want a man who loves all of ME, who understands that everyone has good stuff and bad stuff that jumbles altogether to make them who they are, I want a man that knows that and loves all of ME. I want a man who has realistic expectations of the work it takes to keep a relationship strong. Yes, it takes work, but the work is fulfilling! Name something you can have that keeps getting stronger and better when you ignore it, or don't put any thought or energy into it? I want a man that I have the utmost respect for and that I admire for his qualities and accomplishments. I want a man that respects me for all that I accomplish. This means we have to have the same definitions for success and accomplishment. You get the idea?

I have this man now. And you can have the same. But you need to prepare yourself to be that wonderful work of art that a good woman will WANT to look at and be in awe of. BECOME what you would want your queen of the universe to have! Be a gift worth presenting her when she comes along. Be ready for her. Don't get caught up in searching prematurely...

Another really good book to read (after you read the other two) is "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands", by Dr. Laura. It is a great book that gives you a sense of what makes the relationship work, makes it strong, and is what you and your future woman are worth having together.

Longwinded, yes. Hopefully helpful.

I asked you a question in your other post, and I will give my $.02 here also. The best way to make the right match is to know yourself inside and out....this includes setting personal goals, achieving them, making longterm goals, taking steps to move in their direction, etc. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more you will realize that you don't change your mind that much....keep a journal and as time goes on you can look back to see the difference. The other thing is, ask a friend who has known you for a long time to describe you. Ask someone else. Ask more people. Do their lists of qualities match? I will bet their lists have lots in common.Is this a good start?
I define myself as a loving, caring, compassionate person with alot of career potential. People can always come to me and I will acitvely listen to what they are saying and let them know what they need to hear not what they want to hear. I am spontaneous, blunt, funny, and love being the center of attention. I often make people feel uncomfortable or even make them dislike me with my humor but once they get to know me they love it more then they ever hated it. I like nice things but don't require them for happiness. But LOVE and fulfillment I do require I just don't how to get this or who will give me this. I am always at least 5 minutes late most times more. I cannot do anythiing unless there is pressure to complete, like a project deadline that I absolutely positively procastinated on until the absolute last minute or it stimmulates my mind. My adderall helps with though but I ONLY take my adderall at work because I do find that it kills my out-going, spontaneous, and comedic parts of my personality. I suck at small talk and cannot hold a conversation with someone one on one for more than 15 minutes unless I am talking to SO about anything other then just small talk. And finally I am not the best decision maker, outside of professional environments, and I know this. I either over analyze or pleasure seek which more often leads to a bad decision. But my most defining characteristic is that I can't remember the last time I actually thought before or word came out of my mouth. I just open it and whatever comes out comes out. And you know what... I like that because in some sort of weird way it is such a self-esteem and confidence booster for me to just always speak my mind even though it may make zero sense, not be funny, or anything else. But at least it's out. I want an even number of kids either 2 or 4 and I don't EVER want to be divorced. The divorce thing could be my biggest problem because it creates so much fear and "what ifs" that I drive myself crazy. I like wathcing football and hate being disturbed while watching it. I like playing sports and being athletic. I generally just like being outside during the day and inside at night. I can't fall asleep before 2am ever and wish I could find a women that was like this so that we could put the kids to bed and just hang. But this could jsut be a combination of my ADHD and young age so I guess this could change.


About finding "the one"....i suggest that if you don't already...you should start listening to Dr. Laura. If you don't know what radio station she is on in your town or if she isn't, you can pay $30 for months and streamlink if from her site, which includes archived shows. SERIOUSLY, if you listen to her show, you WILL HAVE a good foundation by which to start looking for "the one". In your personal learning journey, I suggest reading both "Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives". It is very enlightening to the really dumb things we do as men and women (and we don't even realize we are doing it) that are bad for finding and being in a relationship.

That is a good beginning.

When you have put the work into yourself to create a beautiful piece of art that others want to admire, you will attract women that have done the same for themselves.

I am really not a big fan of reading. Do they come on DVD? I do like movies.



Another way of looking at this, I will explain through my own example. I was in a horrible marriage for 14 years to a selfish man. Since we married in our teens, and we did almost all the stupid things people do to mess up their lives, it wasn't a pretty picture. As far as I saw myself personally, I had always been told I was stupid, unworthy, valueless, and a mistake. I married that selfish man who added to those insults. At the end of our relationship, I wasn't much better off. I did not know what a good relationship looked like, and the dreams I had about one, I didn't think could ever happen to me. Now, this story so far sounds like I was a poor victim. I will tell you that it was not damaging just that one direction (from him to me). I did my share of damage....let me tell you, I am not a doormat and do not take insult quietly or peacefully.
I guess maybe this could be part of my problem because I am basically willing to do whatever, anything, everything to make my SO happy. But this is just me. It's not like work to me it's just me. That is why I say that I don't think love and relationships should be work. Because I don't consider any part of making or trying to make someone happy work. But most women find my personality very appealing and attractive because of this. I think I really do present a very good package. The problem is I mostly attract women who are currently in a bad relationship or have recently gotten out of one because of my personality and what I present. Mostly I am rebound and once they consider themselves healed or fixed or whatever they stop putting into the relationship. And that's when I get frustrated and unfortunately being spiteful just cheat.

Anyway....I am currently with the man of my dreams! Yes!!! It happened! Only now, can I see my previous relationship with these new eyes of what I deserve. And I cannot believe I accepted my previous relationship (Dr.Laura speaks about this often). I allowed myself to be worth less than I was worth because of some skewed thinking. For whatever reason, many people do this. They ignore their partner's behavior, they excuse it, they accept it....and it does not get better. You have to ask yourself if you are looking for a relationship so that you can fix someone? so that you can wait with patience for someone? Ask yourself what do you really want in a relationship?

What I have now, is what I always wanted, I just didn't realize I was worth it back then. I want a man who loves all of ME, who understands that everyone has good stuff and bad stuff that jumbles altogether to make them who they are, I want a man that knows that and loves all of ME. I want a man who has realistic expectations of the work it takes to keep a relationship strong. Yes, it takes work, but the work is fulfilling! Name something you can have that keeps getting stronger and better when you ignore it, or don't put any thought or energy into it? I want a man that I have the utmost respect for and that I admire for his qualities and accomplishments. I want a man that respects me for all that I accomplish. This means we have to have the same definitions for success and accomplishment. You get the idea?

I totally agree with the work being fulfilling. But I do not consider it work like I said before. I just consider it being "ME". I aslo consider it just being me because like you said what can grow stronger if you ignore it. Well if it's not work and it's just me being me I don't know about you but I cannot ignore me therefore I could never ignore my relationship or keep it strong. And I totally agree with the success and accomplishments part becuase if to you being successful is making sure that your family has enough to live comfortably but if you SO thinks its having a every single material thing, mansions, and mercedez it will never work.