I haven't been using this sight very long. I am still looking around at the vaious forums.

I was just diagnosed on wednesday. I'm now medicated and working on finding a good balance to my meds. My whole premise behind even going in to find a diaganosis was to see if there was a way to improve my state of mind in a way that I could effectively communicated with my wife. My wife and I, of 22 years, are at the very bottom of our relationship. Over the years I've always blamed her as a totally intolerant *****. It has only been recently that I've come to realize that my ADD ways have effectively shown her that I was an uncaring inconsiderate son of a *****. I'm not even saying that she's without blame in the demise of the marriage. I guess I just started this thread to see if anyone else is coming from the same place that I came from.

I really wish that someone could have recognized that I was ADD a long time ago. I've always known there was something different about me but was clueless as to what it was. I even told my wife this all our marriage.

Anyway, I'm hoping with a lot of work on my part, I'll be able to get our marriage back up and running, not perfect but manageable.

What a relief to know what that "something" is. It was an epiphany for me. Medication and time in cognitive behavioral therapy helps a lot. Some things are pleasantly very different.

I wish you much healing, success and happiness for your marriage. There are some book recommendations at the top of this (Relationship and Social Issues) forum, it's a "Sticky". "ADD and Relationships" has been highly recommended over the board. I like the book "ADD in Adults", because it goes into the whats and wherefors but also has a section for the significant other.

She is welcome to take a look at our Non-ADD support threads if she hasn't already. It may turn out to be valuable help and advice for her (including a place to vent, because we all have to sometimes).

I'll check out the books after I finish here. I have made suggestions to my wife to read up on ADD, but she says that she won't. She tells me that she wanted me to read things throughout our relationship and I never followed through. She'll be damned if she reads a book on my affliction. Hopefully she'll ease up a little with time. I keep telling her things I'm discovering that I do that I really don't see any way to change ie: the way my thought processes work. I've let her know that medication assists me, but it's not a cureall. Time will tell if the marriage works.

:( I guess that I'm going to always be the underdog in my relationship.

My wife told me last night that she just doesn't see where we'll ever be able to have a good relationship. Unless I become an eloquent speaker and communicate in a way that nothing I say can be miscontstrued(sp), then I'll always cause problems and we'll never be happy.

My whole take on this is that I need to take a crash course in communicating according to my wife's thought processes and maybe then my relationship will start to move forward.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get to know myself better and seeking counseling to gain a better feeling about myself. From there I'm just going to let my life take it where it's going to go.

Hve you been to couseling with your wife? Maybe you both need to vent to a third party, and then start to build....

i agree that both going to a councellor might be a good idea. iT's going to take a long time for both of you to learn new ways but things can change. I've been diagnosed in August of 05 and i am still learning who i am and how to live with this. And i did go through times when I felt that everything is my fault just because I am not like everyone else but then i came to realize that I AM different and people have to take that into consideration as well. I am never going to be able to communicate like everyone else so they just have to bear with my attempts. I often misunderstand that's why I ask same questions over and over again until I can make sure that I definintely know what I am being asked to do or something like that. When I speak I often have to write down my thoughts (because they are less scattered when I have to write down, i actually start thinking one sentence at a time). And when I am done speaking I am open for questions because I know that it was still not understandable. So it takes more time and it's more difficult this way but it's starting ot work slowly. Good luck to you and your wife and both of you should start trying to understand each other. It's going to take time..

It sounds to me like you blame yourself for everything, or at least believe her when she blames you.....

Going to a counselor is a great idea if your wife is willing. I think you'd BOTH do well with an OBJECTIVE view!

Good luck!!!

My wife told me last night that she just doesn't see where we'll ever be able to have a good relationship.
What does she think has kept you together for 22 years? That's an awful long time to stay in a relationship she sees as bad.

The problems didn't develop overnight. They won't be solved overnight, either.

If you loved one another in the beginning, then I truly believe you have the power within yourselves to find your way back to then. Those feelings are still in there, somewhere. Finding them, however, requires TWO willing participants.

I hope you both are able to get back to the love. I wish you both the very best.

Thanks everyone for you thoughts, I've tried to reply to this 3 times now and it's saying that It's an invalid thread or something.


I've been to counseling on 2 different occasions for a lengthy periods to no avail.

I'm going to seek out counseling for myself the gain better knowledge of myself and gain more self worth. Maybe then I'll be able to bring more of myself to the relationship and we can start to bloom.

I'm going to try this all over again. I tried this 3 times the other day and this site couldn't find the thread when I went to post. I hope that doesn't happen again. I lost all that I wrote and had to rewrite it again each time. One of my deficits is that it never comes out the same way twice.

My wife and I have been to counseling for an extended time on 2 different occasions. The first time after getting financially drained, my wife and I took on continuing with things on our own. All that is left of that session is my wife rubbing in one out of context quote "What's the matter can't (wife) get mad?".

The second time we went, my wife got up and left, yeeling at the counselor, telling her that she was being unfair with her evaluation of her. She said that what was OK for me wasn't OK for her. My take was that they were 2 entirely different circumstances. I for the life of me can't even remember now. My wife has not wanted to go back to anyone since that point.

My wife just told me last night, that she was jipped when she got me as a husband, because I have ADHD.

My wife just told me last night, that she was jipped when she got me as a husband, because I have ADHD.


I'm very sorry to hear this.
IMHO, this is not something you say to the person you are supposed to love.


I think the best thing you could do for the both of you is to work on yourself. If she is unwilling to see a counselor, read up on ADD, etc, do these things for yourself. In the end you will start to feel better about you.

Well thanks for you thoughts, I do need to make an appointment, just need to find the time to fit it in to my schedule. Two jobs makes it difficult and sometimes gives me an excuse for procrastinating.

My wife and I have been to counseling for an extended time on 2 different occasions. The first time after getting financially drained, my wife and I took on continuing with things on our own. All that is left of that session is my wife rubbing in one out of context quote "What's the matter can't (wife) get mad?".


The second time we went, my wife got up and left, yeeling at the counselor, telling her that she was being unfair with her evaluation of her. She said that what was OK for me wasn't OK for her. My take was that they were 2 entirely different circumstances. I for the life of me can't even remember now. My wife has not wanted to go back to anyone since that point.


My wife just told me last night, that she was jipped when she got me as a husband, because I have ADHD.
Based on these descriptions, your wife has some serious anger issues. :( It also seems like she doesn't want to even discuss anything that pertains to her. She is really quick to point out other's issues, but when it comes her turn, she doesn't want to hear it. How sad.

Here are a couple questions. Don't feel obligated to answer any of them.

-How is her self-esteem? In general is she really hard on herself.

-Is she constantly frustrated about everything?

-Does she blame you for her unhappiness?

-Does she constantly vent (negatively) about everything to everyone?

-Does it seem like she always has to be mad at someone (you, co-worker, family member)?

If so, these things are not about you, they are about her. You are only on the receiving end and it feels like you are the number one reason for her unhappiness. Right? Just like "beancounter" recommended, focus on you. Your wifes not going to like it and she will probably put you down because you are trying to better yourself. Don't give in to it and fight back. This is what she wants you to do. Explain these things to your counselor.

Good luck and keep us posted. :)

Tim -- you're a pretty smart dude. :)

My wife just told me last night, that she was jipped when she got me as a husband, because I have ADHD.


I looked this quote again and think this is one of the most hurtful things I've ever read. :( You must have been shocked to hear it or is this type of abusive comment the usual thing from her?

Odd thing is, it took her 22 years to figure it out. :confused:

Ughhh!

What confuses me is the bold:

My wife just told me last night, that she was jipped when she got me as a husband, because I have ADHD.

Was this an arranged marriage? Didn't she CHOOSE to marry you????

that is the most idiotic statement I have ever read. amazing

That is not her only issue. She probably made that statement in the height of being emotional, upset, and agitated. ADD aggrivates, it isn't the cause of a relationship ending, any more than it's the end-all be-all of your personality. It's not that hubby doesn't put the seat down after he's done in the bathroom that breaks the woman's heart, realistically it's consistently being inconsiderate, that which just adds to the list of her hurt feelings. That was just an example. Maybe you do drop the seat. If you don't...now you know.

When things calm down I hope you guys can speak more calmly and fairly, maybe with a mediator/counselor. What she said was very hurtful and excessively harsh. I hope the two of you can pinpoint some things you can both work on for starters...that is unless you and/or she feel there's nothing to work on.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. We're happy to listen and give our support.

Hi,

I'll keep you all up to date as things go on. I start going to a counsellor for myself on monday. She is very up to date on ADHD and was recommended by my psychiatrist. I think that I need to work on me and learn to like myself better before I can get anywhere with the relationship. I already know that my wife has a lot of issues that she can't and won't own up to. I've tried to point things out to her. Most times she turns it all back to me being the cause of her actions. I know that my ADHD has contributed to the demise of the relationship, but it's not 100% of the cause of our delema.

Thanks to all:)

Hope you were able to keep the Monday appointment with your psychiatrist. If I may ask, "How did it go?"

Like EYEFORGOT mentioned. ADHD is not the cause of relationship issues. It only aggrevates underlying issues. It often gets used as a scapegoat.

Do you feel like you can't bring up these issues to your wife, because you are afraid of her typical reactions? Don't let your wife turn things back on you. She is responsible for her actions and her reactions. It's her choice.

I kept my appointment, and things went OK, It was just an initial appointment and I will hold judgent till I see her again on 2/14. At this point I'm still re-examinning myself and know that I'm still on the threshold of a new journey in my life.:)

I kept my appointment, and things went OK, It was just an initial appointment and I will hold judgent till I see her again on 2/14. At this point I'm still re-examinning myself and know that I'm still on the threshold of a new journey in my life.:)
That's great news. My psychiatrist told me, once an adult gets diagnosed, the patient will usually see large improvements for about 5 years. The most improvement happens in the first year and gradually slows down each year after. Learn as much as you can about ADHD. Once you know what you are dealing with, only then can you start to live your life. Most of all, never use ADHD as an excuse. This will just open the door for you to use it at another time.

I will never use ADHD as an excuse. I've learned that it's just part of who I am, I know that ADHD can influence my behavior, but I'm ultimately the one in control.

I did tell my wife that when I wasn't aware of my condition that I didn't realize a lot of my short comings and that her telling what to do to help me out really didn't help since I could except that there really was a problem with me. In retrospect, I realize things I could have done to help and I can apply these things to the here and now. She just told me that if I wanted to, I could have changed.:(

Hi,

I went to my appointment on 2/14 and discovered a lot about myself. First of all my way of dealing with the a emotionally abusive relationship the way I have is doing me a lot of harm. I've swallowed and buried all my feelings over the course of the 23 year relationship. As my counselor was trying to get me to describe some of the feelings that I've had, i really couldn't because it's buried so deep inside me. I'm hoping that with her help I can release a lot of my hurt and pain and start to grow with a new outlook. Maybe I can actually start to exude a joyful spirit whaich was a part of me when I was very young. I was extremely sensitive and was hurt easily. I learned how to build a wall to protect myself. My sheilding got stronger with age and do to the fact that it was something I was good at, I felt good about it. So between swallowing all the hurt that I couldn't keep out, I appeared outwardly as a cold and uncaring individual.

My wife has this as how she views me. She will never know my side of things, because she is unwilling to accept anything but her view of things. Her view is that I was totally in control and I'm ultimately responsible for the demise of us.

I have decided that with the help of my counselor, I'll be a better person and as far as my relationship goes, what will be will be.

Thank you for the updates. You've taken a really healthy step for yourself, and facing the hurt, difficult as it is, is ultimately going to help. I'm also glad to see you taking care of you for you. While it would be nice to see the relationship take steps to healing, if possible, at this point your health is where you need to be focused. Hopefully in time you and your wife will be able to more clearly evaluate where you are at with each other, where you want to go and how that will look.

Just figured I'd stop by and continue here.

My wife actually pointed out to me something that I do that is detrimental to me and she recognized that. She didn't really give me the tools to help but i give her credit for pointing it out.

I work many many hours per week. I try to mazimize my time by scheduling work around appointments. I arrived home the other day to find a message on the phone that an appointment I was schedule to go on the next morning needed to be rescheduled. I was upset because I had arranged ot start my shift at that location and now I was forsed to go there even though my appointment wasn't happening. With the price of gas and wear and tear on my car, I let myself to get worked up. I blamed my family for not contacting me, I got upset with the office that cancelled my appointment and I know I was very unreasonable. This is a common behavior of mine. I stress over things and get bent out of shape. It's irrational and and not healthy. I realize that since my mind takes the event and expands it many directions, I get angry with no control. I need to find a way to step back before the anger takes hold and process things differently.

This may be a way to get rolling in a more positive direction.:)

Oh I hear you on this one. I take on too much and eventually it blows up in my face, then I blow up at those around me, and finally my husband either points it out or blows up, too. Rarely the latter these days. But he's consistently reminding me to be careful not to take on too much.

Of course, I do anyway sometimes. He starts with what I can eliminate. Or put off. Then he tells me to pick one thing. One thing to start and finish. He asks what he can do to help, if there's anything he can take on for me.

And it's mutual. I try to help him out, however much I can though I often bumble it.

I'd have to agree Timh, well said!

Roly, I'm just so proud of you for taking back the control of your life--or possibly for the first time ever. It's not an easy thing to do, and I admire your effort. :) Keep it up!

Hi everyone,


Just a note of thanks to you. Also a note to say that my pent up aggression has sent my relationship over the edge. I blew up and said things that through my past experience will never be forgiven. I have refrained from saying certain things knowing that these things would not be received positively and as a result would negatively impact my realtionship. Although these are things that I believe, they aren't things I speak. Things which have been expressed previously and are still part of the history book that contains all of Roly Poly transgressions.

I know that I need to get a handle on not (ever) letting myself build to the point of explosion. I simmer and simmer for long periods. I have to find a relef valve to let the pressure off before exploding. My wife ends up on the receiving end most of the time since she's the one putting things in the pot to simmer. I can't vent to her which makes it hard to release the pressure. Eventually even though I did not intend to explode in her direction, I end up doing so.

Anyhow, I have no idea if my relationship will even continue. I still haven't gotten the nerve up to try to reconsile.:soapbox:

It's hard to reconcile with someone who thought they could change what they didn't like about you after they married you, only to discover decades later that what you have can't be cured! Poor little b***h.

Oh, and then you went and gave the little anger vampire just what she's been craving. Ever notice how the abuse gets worse the longer it's been between her "fixes"?

Sorry for the bile, just had to project a little of my own angst here. Timh says it better. I'm sure she loves you on some level--Hope ya'll find it. But she obviously has a lot of hurt stored up as well. Try to remember that next time she starts picking at your anger spot, and "kill" her with as much kindness as you can muster.

I'm sure she loves me at some level, too, the problem is getting to that level. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings for her, she read it, and now it's the waitng game to see how long it takes before things are back to the same pathetic level we've been at, a few notches higher than now, but far lower than where I would like it to be.

Howdy hi,

Thought I'd jump in and update, I guess that everything is up to me as far as my SO is concerned. I continue to see a therapist and continue to learn more and more about myself. I've discovered many shortcomings that previously were beyond my scope to recognize. I used to always think, even proir to any knowledge of ADHD, that that's just the way my brain works. I'm now seeing that many of my inner workings are detrimentle to my well being. My wife at this point doesn't want anything to do with me. She feels that the last time I blew, I went far beyond anything she could ever tolerate. I can't even remember the things I said, but she says that I treaded on ground that was sacred and should never have been soiled (my words, not her's, but a close interpretation). I had told her that the opinion that she was holding on to needed an outsider's view and she told me I was full of s--t, I left the room, and she ran after me. She started in a very mocking tone of voice saying "Run away, run away, run away!!!!!!!!!" At that point my boiling pressure point was reached and there was no turning back. I can'r remember what I said, my wife says that if I can't take it back, then she can't resolve it in her mind. My pschiatrist told me that when your that enraged that there is no way that he can even help me remember that. I guess it's just another no win situation. I just know that I'm learning how to better handle my inner self. That I know how to vent before blowing up, I learning how not to feel the need to always defend myself whan I am being accused. If I know that I have nothing to be guilt about, that's enough. With this knowledge, I can actually step back and validate what is bothering the other party. Might be too late for my wife, but very helpful for my future. Well, I guess I've rambled on enough for now. Hope it's not meaningless dribble.

Howdy hi,

Thought I'd jump in and update, I guess that everything is up to me as far as my SO is concerned. I continue to see a therapist and continue to learn more and more about myself. I've discovered many shortcomings that previously were beyond my scope to recognize. I used to always think, even proir to any knowledge of ADHD, that that's just the way my brain works. I'm now seeing that many of my inner workings are detrimentle to my well being. My wife at this point doesn't want anything to do with me. She feels that the last time I blew, I went far beyond anything she could ever tolerate. I can't even remember the things I said, but she says that I treaded on ground that was sacred and should never have been soiled (my words, not her's, but a close interpretation). I had told her that the opinion that she was holding on to needed an outsider's view and she told me I was full of s--t, I left the room, and she ran after me. She started in a very mocking tone of voice saying "Run away, run away, run away!!!!!!!!!" At that point my boiling pressure point was reached and there was no turning back. I can'r remember what I said, my wife says that if I can't take it back, then she can't resolve it in her mind. My pschiatrist told me that when your that enraged that there is no way that he can even help me remember that. I guess it's just another no win situation. I just know that I'm learning how to better handle my inner self. That I know how to vent before blowing up, I learning how not to feel the need to always defend myself whan I am being accused. If I know that I have nothing to be guilt about, that's enough. With this knowledge, I can actually step back and validate what is bothering the other party. Might be too late for my wife, but very helpful for my future. Well, I guess I've rambled on enough for now. Hope it's not meaningless dribble.
Thanks for posting and update.

What you're learning about yourself is what other people are experiencing too. You are not alone, if it helps.

So sorry your wife is feeling this way. She's not helping the situation, though. When she mocked you she was utilizing comtempt. One of the things Dr. John Gottmann reports as destroying a marriage/relationship. Please check out the Seven Principles of A Successful Marriage. This is an excellent book. She was trying to get a reaction out of you. You were trying to neutralize the situation by leaving. You knew what was going to happen and tried stop what was going to happen. Then she was able to shift blame to you because of your reaction. I am glad you were able to recognize the situation. This really is a big step. :)

My therapist let me know on tueday that for now my wife harbors anger and can not recognize my efforts for now. She feels that I'm making a lot of progress and feels that I will continue to do so. She agrees with me focussing on myself for now, and maybe sometime, but maybe never, my wife can recognize that I'm sorry for all the pain that I've caused throughtout our relationship through miscommunication and apparent ambivolence, and start to forgive me. First she needs to let go of the anger from the pain.

For now, I'm growing and becoming much more aware of who I really am and ways that I can approach life that will less stressful and less in the heat of the moment.:)

keep it up, roly :) you rock!

keep it up, roly :) you rock!
:) And you really make me smile ms_sunshine. I plan to keep on truckin'. I do however know that I have a tendency to slack off on things that I've attained and feel very comfortable with and have done this all my life:o .
Knowing that I have this tendency and keeping it in my forethoughts I should continue on this same path for the rest of my life:cool: .

Thought I'd bump this up and give you all an update. I'm doing fine at this pont in time, my realtionship still has a lot of stresses and strains, but I'm taking it all in stride and not internalizing anything. I've gotten to a point that if my wife has an issues with me, I listen and I try to let her know I heard her, but don't let it get me down by berating myself.

I've actually gone out a few times with my wife and she's treating me a little better. I still get the impression that she feels I'm disabled. Maybe with time she'll change her tune, but it's her problem not mine.

I'm glad things are looking up for you !

I've gotten to a point that if my wife has an issues with me, I listen and I try to let her know I heard her, but don't let it get me down by berating myself.
This is the best thing you can do right now. As much as your wife will want to get a rise out of you, you need to stay in control. Once you get a handle, then you can start to open up the emotional gates a little. It's OK to be angry, but you need to be in control of this anger.

Thanks for the update.

I'll continue to update as I get the time. I don't currently have a working computer at home, so I access this site from the library computer. I wish I had more time but it just isn't happening right now.

A positive note though, I had a stress test yesterday and passed it with flying colors. Was told that I'm doing great for a man of 50.:)

I'm always happy to see that your therapy is progressing. :) LOL Plus, your font reminds me of chocolate, which is always a happy thing. *grins*

I never thought of the chocolate thing, but I love chocolate, maybe that's what drew me to pick the color.:)

Howdy hi,

Just thought I'd toss this in on "My Turn", my SO was telling me about a family event (her family) that she went to while I was at work. I listened to all the people she saw and spoke to, she got into a scene that everyone shared a laugh at, but I couldn't totally visualize and partly misunderstood, I didn't laugh. She told me that I never laugh with her, everyone there got a good laugh out of it. I apologized for not seeing the humor. After we were concluding the conversation, I said it sounds like you had a good time. She got irate and snapped back, "I never told you I had a good time, don't assume things, you don't know whether or not I had a good time unless I say it"
I just said that it sounded like it, I wasn't telling her she had a good time. She said that I assumed it, andshe never said she had a good time. Rather than argue, I dropped it. She wouldn't, it was 10:30pm, she said "What's the matter, time for another pill?:mad: ".
I just looked at her and said I don't take stimulents this late at night, besides this has nothing to do with ADD. She got angry and told me to get out of the room.:confused:

Anyway, life goes on and I continue to do well for the most part:) .

Hi Roly Poly,

nonADD here, I hope you don't mind my half a cent worth...I was really shocked by some of your wife's behaviour...I hope she is getting some independent counselling.

From where I am sitting now, your wife has some serious bitterness and anger herself to get over.

For one thing, it seems like she's saying that all the time up to your diagnosis she has felt resentful because she thought that if you wanted to change you could, and from her perspective she's been the "stoic" and you've been the bad guy.

Suddenly though, she finds out you COULDN"T necessarily change the things she wanted changed and further, you have a good reason for why not: you have ADD!!!

So where does that leave her from her perspective?? Now she knows she's been angry and biting back to you when you couldn't help it. She's felt hurt and rejected because she thought you didn't care, but it's not true and she was living a sort of lie or misrepresentation of the truth.

Now I'll bet she feels guilty for being so harsh and is turning that back on you by sniping at you. She also has to go through the grief of knowing that her dreams of getting you sorted and fixed into the "perfect hubbie" will not happen.

That is why I"m hoping she gets help for herself too, so she can accept your ADD diagnosis, work with you and not against you. So she can forgive herself for the years of abuse she heaped on you when you did not deserve it, and so she can move through the grief process of the loss of her dream of a perfect marriage.

(please note these are just my own thoughts and not a therapists conclusion!)

I've noted in the nonADD section that one of the hardest things for the nonADD person to accept is that they must give up their concept of dream marriage in favour of a challenging and more risky version.

I often think that women from the day they are birthed are fed a lot of crimson dreams about the handsome prince and camelot and Cinderella instead of the reality of hard slogging that any relationship can sometimes be.

Hope things work for you roly poly

crime scene

Roly Poly,

Hello. Um, it sounds to me like your wife might want to go with you to counseling and find out why she feels the need to be so brutal. I understand that she may be frustrated with some of your ADD-ness, but, I don't think it is right or healthy for her to treat you that way. You need her to be understanding right now. Maybe counseling will help her learn how to communicate with you better. Also, it may help her learn how to understand you better.
My hubby and I were having some issues because he doesn't get my ADD and why I do or don't do the things I do or don't do. My counselor has helped us learn how to argue in a 'healthy' way. It is hard work and it isn't 100% yet, but, it's getting better.
I hope you can find a time to talk to her when she is calm, she sounds really defensive.
Hang in there.

I just said that it sounded like it, I wasn't telling her she had a good time. She said that I assumed it, andshe never said she had a good time. Rather than argue, I dropped it. She wouldn't, it was 10:30pm, she said "What's the matter, time for another pill?:mad: ".
I just looked at her and said I don't take stimulents this late at night, besides this has nothing to do with ADD. She got angry and told me to get out of the room.:confused:
Excellent way to handle this situatuion. :) From what you have posted at the begining of the thread, you would have continued the arguement. This would have ultimately made you the "bad guy" everytime. Now that you are able to step back and respond in a more logical way, your wife is probably noticing she was a major contributor to a lot of the friction.

Thanks for keeping us updated. It's nice to hear about other people's progress. Great job.

Figured I'd conjure up this thread. Can't believe it was so far back. Just an update, don't know as my relationship is ever going to amount to much. I'm finding that my SO is just throwing back in my face whenever there is a miscommunication, that I'm the culprit, I don't say what I mean most of the time, and say things that don't even fit. She thinks that I'm not even aware of what I say half the time. I've learned to just let it all roll right off my back and not even own any of it. I've decided that until she decides to learn more about ADHD, and try to understand more, she's never going to be tolerant of any of my shortcomings.:eek:

I went back and found this. I just had the longest discussion I've had in a long time with my wife. She asked me if I thought that she was the abuse and I was the victum. I admitted that when she lit into me yelling, swearing, and degrading me, that if I hung in ther long enough, I'd blw and say a lot of things that were abusive and couldn't even remember. She told me that her yelling, swearing and degrading me was a result of my abuse of her. She said I'd have a glazed far awy look in my eyes and not say a word, this would infuriate her. Even though she was angry, she was asking me to do things the way she wanted me to. Since I didn't say anything, I was abusing her. I told her that I wasn't doing that intentionally and did not think that was abuse. She looked abuse up in the dictionary and told me abuse doesn't have to be intentional. When all was said and done, she wants me to say that I was as abusive as she was. All I know is that I was retreating, if that's abuse, I never knew it and I can't understand it.:(

Roly_Poly sounds like a load of crap - Gary used to try and blame me for his behavior and and tell him the same thing I do when forum members try the same thing -

You are responsible for your own words, actions and attitudes I will not be accepting responsibility for them today or any other day - I have my own words actions and attitudes that are my responsibility and that is about all I can handle -

Roly-Poly,

I think you're amazing. I've just read this post all the way through and you have grown immensely, both as a person and in understanding what you feel is a healthy relationship.

I realise marriages that go on for this long are very complicated, but I believe that you deserve better. It may be you need to seperate for a while, wave the white flag. You can continue to grow more in yourself, and she can figure out why she is so bitter and angry, how to express it, and so on.

It's not a healthy relationship when only one person is willing to work on it. She can't go on blaming you for something you can't change... especially when you have shown how dedicated you are to improving your situation now.

Good luck!

Thanks aloha1983, I will continue to work on myself, but for now I won't leave my SO, she has health problems that require my health insurance, I don't want to jeapardize that, secondly, I can't afford to move out on my own and still pay my mortagage. She doesn't work and I'm the entire fincial package.

Roly_Poly sounds like a load of crap - Gary used to try and blame me for his behavior and and tell him the same thing I do when forum members try the same thing -

You are responsible for your own words, actions and attitudes I will not be accepting responsibility for them today or any other day - I have my own words actions and attitudes that are my responsibility and that is about all I can handle -

mead, this is so true, but I certainly can't get her to understand that. I do admit to her that when I reached the point of no return and blew, that I was abusive, but was aware of that potential so I tried not to let myself go there. I did retreat inside myself trying to sheild myself from all the belittling that would ensue. She'd see that as my icey cold stare, the trigger to her assault. Catch 22

Please take this in the caring spirit it is offered

Women are abusive too (http://verbalabuseofmen.com/)

Does your wife blame you for everything that goes wrong?


Do you feel like you can never do anything right, or at least well enough to please your wife?


Has your wife created an intolerable amount of stress in your life?


Does your wife constantly criticize the way you do things, either verbally or with gestures and facial expressions?


Do you feel inadequate doing things you used to do rather well?


Does you wife constantly demand that you do more, make more money, acquire more things for her, take her more places, or satisfy more of her needs?


Do you feel like you can never do enough and you are constantly exhausted with no way of ever catching up?
{End Quote}

It is just as deplorable for a women to abuse a man as it is for a man to abuse a women.

I think it is time to speak out against abusive behavior period.

Equal rights means equal rights for all = men deserve just as much support when they are on the receiving end of abuse.


Males should NOT be expected to put up with abuse any more than females

The "suck it up and take it like a man" is a load of crap

Abuse should NOT be a gender issue - abusive women should be shunned in our society just like abusive men.

Time for this become a society of truly equal rights. . . .


{climbs off soap box}

oops sorry - I just don't think it is right for some one to be expected to put up with stuff like this because of their gender - Male discrimination is just as wrong as female discrimination . . .:(

If you search the web for relationship abuse, everything you find is written as if you are a female being abused. It's assumed that men are the abusers and women are the abused.
I gave up a long time ago looking for any support that way.
Oops, maybe my wife is right, I'm the abuser, no