I was reading the "how to spot an abuser - for men", and I just about fainted. That's me! I'm so ugly to my husband, ALL THE TIME. I tell him he's a loser, and a poor excuse for a father. If anything goes wrong, it's his fault!! I call him at work and attack him, cus I'm a stay at home Mom (by choice), and get bored. I tell him ugly things about his mom and dad. I'm horrible! He's none of these things! He coaches our son's teams, he's a great math teacher and I would be so hurt if he left me. My mother says he will leave one day and I don't change because he takes it. My father told him,"I love my daughter to death, but If you were my son I would pack your things up and make you leave her. No one deserves this." I treat him like this because I feel like a loser, I feel like the pathetic excuse for a parent. College was easy for him, and I still haven't graduated. I hate myself so much that I can't love him or anyone. I don't know what to do.Anna

well, first off, perhaps you should tell him what you told us. Recognizing the problem is a good first step. And apologizing. Then, though it's kinda hard (understatement of the year, anyone?), it would be good to think about how to change those behaviors. I will admit, this totally a case of "take my advice, I'm not using it", since I have identified my problems and am currently wallowing in them, but there you go. I do know that, when you're trying to unlearn a damaging behavior, you can't just say "I'm not gonna do that anymore", you have to decide what you're going to do instead. And then actually do it, which turns out to be the hard part for me.

Anyway, good luck and big reassuring hugs. College was hell on wheels for me too, and my husband has two Ph.Ds, so I'm right there with ya.
-Anna

My aunt Kate had a husband named Henry. Henry was a very easygoing, laid back, and quiet fellow. His wife was anything *but* laid back, and spent all the years of their marriage nagging and abusing Henry verbally. In all those years, Henry never once spoke out or lashed out in anger at his wife or any of their 4 kids. Kate was a great mom, but treated Henry rather badly most of the time... Henry simply tolerated it. Patience seemed to be his strong suit.

In fact, the kids told me that he never ever once , spoke harshly to them, nor did he ever raise a hand to spank them. By all accounts he was a fantastic dad.

On the very day that the last of the children moved out he looked at his wife and said "Kate, I am leaving you." and he walked out the door.... He spent the rest of his days as a bachelor , and spent his weekends playing poker with his friends.

Me :D



I was reading the "how to spot an abuser - for men", and I just about fainted. That's me! I'm so ugly to my husband, ALL THE TIME. I tell him he's a loser, and a poor excuse for a father. If anything goes wrong, it's his fault!! I call him at work and attack him, cus I'm a stay at home Mom (by choice), and get bored. I tell him ugly things about his mom and dad. I'm horrible! He's none of these things! He coaches our son's teams, he's a great math teacher and I would be so hurt if he left me. My mother says he will leave one day and I don't change because he takes it. My father told him,"I love my daughter to death, but If you were my son I would pack your things up and make you leave her. No one deserves this." I treat him like this because I feel like a loser, I feel like the pathetic excuse for a parent. College was easy for him, and I still haven't graduated. I hate myself so much that I can't love him or anyone. I don't know what to do.Anna

This was a good first step. I agree. And telling him you know this and want to stop the behavior is also a good second step.

My husband is now looking into anti-anxiety medication and anger/stress management counseling. I recommend you speak to a psychiatrist as well. You will probably need marriage counseling, but first get yourself on a road to recovery and reprogramming.

Your husband didn't make you a loser, you know he's not to blame. You're not a loser for not completing college (hell, I've only done 2 classes and I'm 33), and there are solutions to boredom. It's easy to make the ones we love the punching bags because we're comfortable being our worst with them.

Your Mom and Dad are right. He has every right and reason to leave. I hope you'll take the necessary steps to get things back on track. He deserves your love and respect. Hopefully you've caught this soon enough so that he can feel the same for you.

Please keep us updated. I'm rooting for you.

Ann...
I'm actually interested in you..not your husband..
It took courage for you to come on here and state your emotions like you did.
If you can..I want you to tell me what you used to be like before you were married and had children with him..
Somehow I believe that you used to be more outgoing..and had many friends..and that you are pretty and he was lucky to have met you when he did...That you had a lot going for you at the time.
I may be wrong..but you did sacrifice a lot of yourself for him and your children..didn't you ? I'm thinking that you had goals that somehow got askewd and haven't been put back on track again, correct ?

At least that's why I would feel all that anger towards someone...someone who didn't appreciate what I did or what I do for them now....
And when people yell...it's usually based out of fear...
Besides his leaving you...what is it that you really are afraid of, Ann...
Again..if I am wrong...please tell me...If you so choose to do so, that is :0)
It's ok, Ann. I won't bite you... I promise.
Nova

Nova,

When I met my husband I had a 2 yr old and was 23. Before my child I was involved in gangs. After my child was born, I changed, left his dad because he didn't want to change. I was really happy, and self confident. When I met my husband, I was excited because I had never had a "good" guy before. Basically, we dated for 2 yrs and got married. My friends would say that we looked weird cuz "I'm so street, and he's professional looking." His friends didn't like me. I worked and he went to school full time, I was supposed to go full time after he graduated. It never happened, there was always an excuse. After some rough times, we seperated for 2 mths. and he dated other people. I did too, but he doesn't know. We went to therapy and worked things out for a while. After the birth of my 1 yr old he was horrible, but I don't think he meant to be. I didn't want to breast feed, and he would tell me how much it would mean to him for our baby to get a healthy start. So, I was suffering from severe post partum, and couldnt take medication due to my nursing. I thought I was going to kill my baby. He took time off of work only to say things like, "When do you think you'll get better?" This is just a little bit of info, but I hope enough to answer some of your questions and maybe offer your advice.

I've known a few people who were involved with gangs who substituted as surrogate families, and there is no shame in that at all. Nor in having a two year old at age 23, and definitely in recognizing that you needed more out of life and pursuing that, and going after it, at the time.
Your anger is justified. You kept up your part of the bargain, and marriage is a compromise between two people, and your husband did not, since you never had your academic goals met and he accomplished his. And of course, you feel that time is ticking by...So I do understand your resentment.
I left two husbands because they didn't keep up their end of the bargain, one way or another...no chiming in from the cheap seats on here, either, y'all :0)

What I don't understand is how you view him as being 'polished' and you as being 'street looking'. I work in government, wear a ring on each finger, two bracelets on each arm, and one of them is pretty darned large, three or four pendants and necklaces, practice a form of spirituality that is not of the usual form, wear makeup to the morgue and to crime scenes in the past, and can speak with ease with attorneys, judges, the same ease as with the homeless...I never considered myself to be any less 'polished' than the US Attorney General or anyone else for that matter..ever.
And I never want to hear you utter those words again..because you, my dear, have more gumption than most who cross your path, and you know it.
You just forget that sometimes and need to be reminded every so often.
I don't come from a glitzy background either..let's just leave it amongst us :0)
Here's the simplest step that I want you to take for now.
I want you to go online..and look at your community college..and see which classes are offered..and whom you need to speak to for admissions..
And just for crapola and giggles...if you could open up a business right here and now..or do anything you wanted to...what would that be ? Anything in the universe that you wanted to ?
Nothing more than that for now.
When you're done doing that..you can either come back to this section and let us know if that sounds appealing to you or if some other idea does.
I still know you're pretty, Ann. Even if you never mentioned that :0)
How old are your children, by the way ?

(chimes from the cheap seats)
And the community colleges have night classes...

Whiteraven..you are a trip...I meant about my being divorced twice, not about the classes !! LMAO !!
Nova

Nova,

I am actually enrolled in 2 online courses right now. It's just that I always end up barely passing, or dropping because I can't get to them. I know I can do better. My husband says to go study in the evening at a Starbucks or something, but when I get home from studying there is sooo much for me to do. He can watch them and nothing else. They pick up McDonalds, my oldest who is 10 doesn't do is homework until I get back, my 1 yr old needs a bath, the dogs need to be taken out. That's when I lose it. I don't know what to do. My parents side with my husband, because my mom was a do it all mom. She says a women is supposed to get up before everyone and go to sleep after everyone. Whatever.
I think it's sooooooo cool you have your own style! I always admire women that can do that. If I could start my own business, I would open up a daycare. That would be fun. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I don't think anyone knows how much it means to me.

Ok..Eyeforgot..You wanna show Ann how to make a list to give her hubby before she leaves the house while she goes and studies ? Eye's really great at making lists, Ann..way better than I am !!!
That way you can give it to him in a nice way and say "Here you go, Sugar..this needs to be done while I'm gone..and it's not like I haven't been doing it for the last umpteen years..and it's only for a few nights a week..and you don't want me to fail in life now do you..now that would make you an awful human being..and I'm certain I married a compassionate, warm man..who cares about the well being of his wife and children..what was that you asked me...when am I going to get better...? Oh yes...I am getting better..and it is so so so sweet that you are willing to contribute to my wellness and I appreciate that so so much !!!"
Alright Eye..start that list for Ann !
Well take care of you Ann..don't you worry about it.
We're good at this girls, aren't we ? :0)
Sorry guys..I think it's time you poh-lahtly bail on outta here..
I love you dearly, Speed an all... :0) Yous know I do...
But it's a chickypoo thang now !!
Nova the Goddess Athena/Warrior !!

I applaud you for opening up and spilling your guts with a new thread ,that takes courage .maybe it's a moment of clarity ,not that it matters ,the fact that you saw yourself is very real and means you already have the mindset and have begun working on yourself .
A great many people can read self help books and other litiature ,but all they see is there S.O. and they're faults.

Godspeed to the new you :D

Hello everyone. I had a successful week. I stopped myself everytime I was about to blame or say something ugly to my husband. I overcame two obstacles this week. First, I took my one yr old to get vaccines and get blood drawn for his yr old check up. This is easy for most people, but I get so nervous and am so afraid of needles, this is the first time I've gone alone. Also, yesterday I went to the neurologist and had an EMG (might be saying it wrong) by myself. I was terrified, but did it anyway. I don't have a phobia or anything, but have become so dependent on my husband to do EVERYTHING with me. I felt sooo good when I accomplished these things. My husband said, "people do it everyday". Am I being childish for expecting more than that from my husband? I know people do it everyday but it was big for me. A friend told me I have to be my biggest fan.

Ann,
I don't think any steps you take to overcome any fears you have are ever ridiculous or absurd.
I think your husband is ridiculous and absurd, if you ask me.
I totally believe that he seems to have forgotten his vows of 'to cherish and love', whether those words were actually declared outloud, or not, is a moot point..anytime two people are in a relationship, whether it is one of personal love or friendship, those two points are unconditional. So feedback, support, and unconditional love are always there and are unwaivering. If they are lacking..then it is a false relationship, and has another agenda, and will eventually disintigrate, no matter how much the two declare otherwise..
I think I'm going to start putting a simple instructional guide for you to start following on here to help you out, in reminding you, of what an amazing and wonderful woman you truly are.
If you don't mind, that is...
If you do mind...please let me know..and I, apologize, in advance for doing so, and I won't do that again.

Step 1)
Only you are your mentor. You have to believe in yourself 101% without failure.
In my spiritual belief, you have the gods inside, and around you, at all times, to guide you. They do not judge you, no matter what you do. In my spiritual belief, there is no 'hell', only lessons of life to be learned, as stepping stones, to a better 'self'..and the universe does not allow you to ever truly fail. It always gives you 'water wings' and will never truly let you drown. That's not it's intent (0;. It wants you to want to succeed.
But you have to believe in yourself as much as it believes, and I believe in you.

2) Most people want you to fail. It's a fact of life. It allows them to feel superior in their failings and enables them to keep you by their side, because they can not function without that 'superiority dysfunction'. Only people who have internal peace want you to also have internal strength and peace and help you to also succeed and help you to 'have wings and fly'

3) When people yell, it's due to them being afraid of something. Remember that.
I've studied human behavior for over twenty years. Remember that when you do it, and when your husband does it.

4) Your husband is not your mentor. Stop treating him as that.

5)You have so much internal strength and power. It's just been dormant for so long, you forget you have it.

6) Any fears that you that you have, have been taught to you by some past experience and can be untaught by another more pleasant experience that can over ride the negative one. ANY fear.
The ONLY innate (meaning one that we are born with) fear we have is the fear of falling down. That is a protective, built in device,..and if you think about it...you don't even think about being afraid of falling down once you become a grown up...now do you...but yet you fear so many other things you experience...and those are things that can be untaught...
In other words ALL OF YOU FEARS ARE CREATED BY YOUR MIND, and can be 'undone'...
Needles..heights...the Boogeyman...all of them, while they might seem real...and only as 'real' as you choose to perceive them to be...and if you've read any of my posts on how we create our own reality..you'll see my views on perception..and how reality is totally about how we choose to perceive everything we see...and how that changes in an instant...even on the same exact subject...(0;

That's enough for today...
I'll post more if you'd like..I'll wait to see if you want me to post more first though.
Since it's your life..I figured I'd ask first before I would post anymore.

Since I fear nothing...but not without a lifetime of introspection, Ann,
I especially fear neither love nor death, (I also believe in reincarnation) as most in this culture seem to really really fear...
I am going to send you my love because love is the only concept that heals the soul.
Nova

Nova,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice. I never thought I looked at my husband as a mentor until you mentioned it. I have such a negative outlook on life. I think, no, I KNOW that I feel that someone always has to make decisions because I'm always screwing up. Then, if he makes the decision it's his screw up. I know it sounds outragous, but I am working hard to change. I don't know how to be my own cheerleader. May I ask what religion you practice? It sounds interesting and positive.

Ann

Nova,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice. I never thought I looked at my husband as a mentor until you mentioned it. I have such a negative outlook on life. I think, no, I KNOW that I feel that someone always has to make decisions because I'm always screwing up. Then, if he makes the decision it's his screw up. I know it sounds outragous, but I am working hard to change. I don't know how to be my own cheerleader. May I ask what religion you practice? It sounds interesting and positive.

AnnThe thing about allowing someone else to make decisions for us, though, in my humble opinion, is that it doesn't allow for us to ever make a decision though..it almost allows for them to be 'bigger than life'...if you understand what I'm saying to you..and be controlling in our life..and that's what may be contributing to your frustration..and his patronization of you...
If you enable him to continue viewing you as someone who is unable to make a decision for herself..he will continue to do so..and even you view your children as those who are capable of making decisions for themselves every now and again..so here lies the difference..and your frustration and valid anger and levels of frustration..which I agree with wholeheartedly...
But you also have a kind heart..and a wonderful sense of consciousness..and an heighened level of enlightenment..otherwise you wouldn't be questioning your actions and your the direction of your life right now..you would still be playing the 'blame game'..and you would still be reacting instead of trying to figure out another course of action..one more beneficial to all involved...or whatever alternate course no matter how painful that may be..
It's a form of higher intelligence, Ann.

My spiritual path falls under the religion of Wicca, but I also 'eat' Quantum Physics for breakfast, so I try to follow the rules of mindfulness, connectedness and cause and effect, as much as possible. And of course, like everything else...most people in this world know nothing about either..and do not want to take the time to research either..but feel entitled to spout off hateful remarks directed my way out of fear and ignorance..or fear and arrogance..
until I get fed up..and get 'Fed up' as in my line of work (0: and remind them politely of how hate crimes are still a federal crime in the US...
Of course...all that while trying to protect their arses from the bad guys, daily...but they tend to forget that while they sling their rude remarks...

As Sandra Bullock says in the movie Practical Magick when the locals say: " 'Witch, Witch, You're a Witch' 'You'd think after 400 years they'd come up with something more original....' " LOL !!!

Balance, Daniel-Son, LOL ! (0:
And I'm not even an old Asian man...
I'm just a lil Creole Southern Belle from Baton Rouge, Lousiana, originally.
Sometimes, out of all the senses that I have honed, my sense of humor is the one that I rely on the most !!!
Nova

I read an article about wicca. It sounds great to me. I'm going to read more on it. I'm sorry, I don't know what quantum physics is. I am going to continue to try and be more independent, and will make an effort to make my own decisions. I don't know when I became such a wuss. I lived by myself and when I got together with my husband, all of a sudden I'm scared of the dark. I'm going to go shopping this week, and go with the intention that if I like it I'm going to buy it. I always shop and wonder, "what will people say if I wear this?" I always end up wearing jeans and a t shirt, with my hair pulled back. This week I'm going to buy something that shows I have my own style.

After reading your first post ANN I was compelled to read more

All I will say is " Recognition is the KEY "

Until you can recognise these things in yourself

" You can NEVER correct them "

But once you start to recognise them
Own up to them
and take responcibility for them

You will be amazed at the change in life you will have....

The Quantum Physics theories that I study dictate that everything is comprised of atoms, and that atoms are comprised of energy, and that everything is interconnected.
I also believe that if you believe in something, really believe it, and don't share that with anyone, so they don't have an opportunity to tell you that it is ridiculous, and start disintigrate your belief...it will become true..
This train of 'thought' is the heart of my religion, and is deeply ingrained in the way I live.
Since I've been doing it since the age of sixteen..with a few exceptions (that had to do with allowing negative people to influence me, when I know better (0: being human), I can tell you that belief concept and sending honest and selfless love, works for me and will continue to work for me, for lifetimes to come.
I use myself as an example, because if I don't..someone is sure to come on this thread and argue a different point.. irregardless of how this thread is, in actuality about you and helping you. (0:

It's like I told William Tell...trying to get Adders to agree sometimes is like herding cats, lol !!
But he has an amazing signature...'It's all ok in the end..and if it's not ok..it's not the end'...I just love that signature that he has !!! It's so enlightened !!!!!!
<WINK>
Be well, Ann..
I really don't have to tell you that, though, because you already are.
And buy yourself more things that make you feel more prettier than you already are !
I have persona that mimics Einstein, and one that mimics CS Lewis, and ALWAYS...I am a combo of the both at once.
I can't be anything else.
Ask my friends..I stopped baffling them after day one..and they wouldn't have me be any other way, and I wouldn't have them be any other way, other than their true self, either. Ever !!!

Always be you ! No matter who 'you' is !
And buy those pretty outfits and jewelry, Girly Girl !!!

Nova

After reading your first post ANN I was compelled to read more

All I will say is " Recognition is the KEY "

Until you can recognise these things in yourself

" You can NEVER correct them "

But once you start to recognise them
Own up to them
and take responcibility for them

You will be amazed at the change in life you will have....
Garr..
By taking responsibility..you mean do you mean claiming ownership of the great qualities she possesses ?
Nova

yes All the good qualitys as well as all the little quirks that we all deal with

Nova, Thank you for your advice re: my meds. I was going to post to that thread, but since I had more to say decided to stay here. I think that now that I am trying to figure out who I am now it's much more difficult. I have ALWAYS looked to other women to try and define myself. I don't want to do that. I am trying not to depend on my husband so much, and feeling resistence from him. Like maybe he liked me being dependent on him, he liked scraping me off the floor and telling me he knows I say ugly things because I'm sick. I don't know. I tried shopping the other day, but just couldn't find anything I liked. My husband said, "I'll go with you next time." What have I created here? I have given him reason to believe I can't do anything without him. Don't know how to fix that one.
I'm having physcial problems like numbness in my left arm and left side of my face, and I'm really worried about it. I am going to an endocrinologist on thursday and fear the worst. I also fear that my symptoms are because of the adderall. Thank you for replying.

i have been reading your posts and replies in this thread. i must say, i have a real problem with you calling yourself a loser. i understand there are reasons you were treating your husband the way you were. probably the same reasons i resent my husband at times - he treats you like an imbecile at times, instead of as an equal adult.

you and he may have issues, but that does not make you a loser. losers don't go looking for help; they just keep playing the blame game.

that's all. just felt the need to tell you that.

hang in there.

It's nice that you can rely on your husband because there are so many that are unreliable, but you need to learn how take care of yourself (not all at once, take it in stages) for several reasons:

1. Improve your own self-esteem.
2. He might not always be there.
3. He doesn't need the added pressure.
4. So you can be equal partners.
5. So he doesn't resent you.
6. So you can be a good role model.
7. So you don't fear everything. Heck, what kind of life is that?