Hi,

I guess I just need some kind words, support, and advice if there is any to give. My husband of 14 years has been depressed for the past six years. He only opened up to me about the magnitude of his depression about a year or two ago, though. Before this, he was kind of on again off again, but lately it has become a MAJOR thing that pervails all the time and on occasion he is suicidal. He refuses to seek help because he thinks that his feelings are caused by outside events and by my need to sabotage him every time he is starting to feel slightly better. He feels that I am "angry at him because he is less than a man", hence I want to destroy him to punish him. I have taken what he says in to consideration, and I'm trying to figure out if there is any validity to it, but I just don't think so. I also feel that happiness comes from within and outside forces should not destroy a person to that extent.

Whenever he starts a fight with me, I try to be considerate and let him talk and not fight back, but I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to handle him. Most of the time, midway through the fight, he starts talking about suicide (which I DO take seriously), but then it seems like he is not really going to do it, but he just knows that this really tears me apart, and wants to hurt me. I don't know what to do about that, should I have him committed against his will, or keep working at him to seek treatment so that he can do it the respectful way?

He seems to get mad at me frequently, and every time, he says that the way he feels is completely my fault. He refuses to accept that he is depressed except to say tht he is at rock bottom and it's because of me. A few times I have told him that he is seriously depressed and needs help, but he refuses. He says that mental health professionals don't care about anyone, all they care about is getting the patient in there and getting their money. He says that he refuses to go on medication, and for me to even suggest this, is totally insulting and belittling the problems he has had in his life.

I just can't convince him to get help, and it's eating me up inside. I am starting to suffer emotionally and physically, and I feel so helpless. I just don't feel like I can deal with him effectively anymore because his accusations and suicide threats have turned me into an emotional wreck. Last week, I saw a Therapist, and I am going to begin weekly sessions with her to try to help me with this, but right NOW, I need help! 55 minutes last week was not enough. Anyone who can just say "sorry" might help, because I haven't confided in any family or friends yet.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I just posted a thread after reading another thread on verbally abusive women towards men. I am where your husband is right now. I am horrible to my husband, and blame him for everything that is wrong in my life. He tries, and then it makes me angrier. I think he is at the end of his rope, and I need to change. My family thinks I don't change my behavior because he's taken it for so long. I've mistaken his kindness for weakness. I can't love anyone if I hate myself. Since I started taking meds for my ADD my self esteem has improved. I can accomplish tasks, focus, etc. I hope that your husband realizes how much he needs to change. You're doing the right thing by seeking help!

Ballad;

You have my sympathies. From what you are saying I gather your spouse is dealing with more than just deprepssion. It could be partly environmental.

Not knowing your spouse or you it is hard for me to say "do this and it will be better", and I'd be silly to say such a thing, but you might consider using a firmer tone with your spouse and insist that he get help , and explain to him the awful impact it is having on his relationship with you. You might also express a willingness to go with him (It takes two to form a comittee, you know) Whatever you do DO NOT, let him transfer his guilt and doubt onto you.


good luck

ME :D

Hi,

I guess I just need some kind words, support, and advice if there is any to give. My husband of 14 years has been depressed for the past six years. He only opened up to me about the magnitude of his depression about a year or two ago, though. Before this, he was kind of on again off again, but lately it has become a MAJOR thing that pervails all the time and on occasion he is suicidal. He refuses to seek help because he thinks that his feelings are caused by outside events and by my need to sabotage him every time he is starting to feel slightly better. He feels that I am "angry at him because he is less than a man", hence I want to destroy him to punish him. I have taken what he says in to consideration, and I'm trying to figure out if there is any validity to it, but I just don't think so. I also feel that happiness comes from within and outside forces should not destroy a person to that extent.

Whenever he starts a fight with me, I try to be considerate and let him talk and not fight back, but I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to handle him. Most of the time, midway through the fight, he starts talking about suicide (which I DO take seriously), but then it seems like he is not really going to do it, but he just knows that this really tears me apart, and wants to hurt me. I don't know what to do about that, should I have him committed against his will, or keep working at him to seek treatment so that he can do it the respectful way?

He seems to get mad at me frequently, and every time, he says that the way he feels is completely my fault. He refuses to accept that he is depressed except to say tht he is at rock bottom and it's because of me. A few times I have told him that he is seriously depressed and needs help, but he refuses. He says that mental health professionals don't care about anyone, all they care about is getting the patient in there and getting their money. He says that he refuses to go on medication, and for me to even suggest this, is totally insulting and belittling the problems he has had in his life.

I just can't convince him to get help, and it's eating me up inside. I am starting to suffer emotionally and physically, and I feel so helpless. I just don't feel like I can deal with him effectively anymore because his accusations and suicide threats have turned me into an emotional wreck. Last week, I saw a Therapist, and I am going to begin weekly sessions with her to try to help me with this, but right NOW, I need help! 55 minutes last week was not enough. Anyone who can just say "sorry" might help, because I haven't confided in any family or friends yet.

Speedo is right...in a relationship it takes two to make it work but as individuals we must be personally responsible for our roles in that coupling. If you are NOT healthy or possess personal happiness and self satisfaction, you cannot be an active participant in a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship. Yes, you can try but traditionally people find that sooner or later the machine breaks down and is beyond repair.

His blame and denial can be seen as passive aggressive and will continue to pull both of you down. I realize that you have a role in the issues of this relationship but if he continues to refuse treatment, the only thing you can do is seek treatment for yourself and sooner or later make important decisions to ensure your health and happiness.

Please remember the old saying...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Sometimes it's best to detach with love (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16248) (link to a very good thread). He has to want help and from what you have said, right now, he doesn't want it. I know it hurts but until he either falls on his face and HAS to get help or you finally say enough is enough...I doubt that he'll seek it.

I'm sorry this doesn't sound positive but I hope it helps. Good luck to both of you :)

All I can do is tell you about my own experience with depression.

For years I felt miserable; unhappy, hopeless, uninterested, unmotivated.....what I now know as depression. But then I thought that it was due to something I could change. When I was single, I felt that if I found the right job/career I would be happy. Or if I figured out relationships, or if I got thinner, or if...or if...or if. Then I got married, and things didn't work, and I thought if I changed, or if he changed, things would get better. I changed what I thought I needed to change, but he didn't see a problem, and I came to blame my unhappiness on him.

It wasn't until a few years after our divorce that I was diagnosed with depression. Actually, it had become double depression.....dysthymia (which I learned was a kind of continuous, low grade depression) topped off by major depression.

It ticked me off that all these years I had worked on changing everything in my life in order to feel better, taking responsibility for, and working on fixing, something that was totally out of my control. Depression is not something you can make 'go away' with willpower.....and that was terrifying. All my life I had believed that I could have a certain amount of control over my life....and in this basic, fundamental area....happiness, or even contentment....I had no control, and it had nothing to do with what was going on in my life.

I can put myself in your husband's place, and remember how difficult, even terrifying, it was to contemplate having a mental illness. And remembering how I had blamed my husband...even though we were not together....having to suddenly admit that I might have been wrong, that I had contributed to our difficulties because of my depression....that was much too big for me to accept.

All I can suggest is that you try to remember that it isn't you that's making him feel this way, and there is nothing you can do to make him feel better. I think it's great that you are taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist. There are also support groups for people who have loved one's with mental illness. You can't do him any good if you arent' taking care of yourself...knowing how far you are willing to, and should go to help him, without becoming co-dependent and enabling. If it gets to the point where your own mental health is at risk, it is not unreasonable to tell him that if he really believes that you are the cause of all his unhappiness, then you will consider leaving. If he has any doubts about that, you will stay providing he goes to a doctor for evaluation, and follows any suggestions made.

The most successful treatment for biological depression is medication and therapy. He needs to know that this is not a one way ticket; he can try it for some specific length of time, and if it doesn't work, he can stop. Giving it a chance does not remove his ability to change his mind, but he owes it to himself and his family to give it a try.

Good luck!
Joyce

P.S. My mom comitted suicide; it is not, in my belief, an act of selfishness. It is sadly the only alternative for a person who is in so much pain, physical or mental, that they believe it is the only way out. I learned quickly that her suicide was not my fault, and if I blamed myself, I would become one more casualty of her mental illness. Dealing with my own issues was enough.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. All of you shed some light, and made me feel not quite so alone.

I don't know what to do for my husband other than continue to try to talk him into therapy and trying medication. He just continues to go back to the same old response "the reason why I feel this way is because every time I start to feel a tiny bit of confidence, you do something or say something to destroy it, and then I'm back down to rock bottom again". I know for sure that this isn't true, and that it's just a lot easier to try to pin the blame on someone else rather than accept that you may have a mental illness, but nevertheless it becomes so hard for me to deal with. I know that his theory is not right, but still I start to feel so under pressure because HE thinks it is. I don't profess to be perfect at all, and I know that I may have done or said some hurtful things in the past, just as he has to me, but I know that I didn't set out to cause his downfall and death. I was able to get over the things he said to me, because I love myself (unlike him).

He told me the other night that if I do one more thing to make him feel lower than he is, he's going to kill himself. Can you imagine the pressure I feel? I'm afraid to be around him now, but I know he needs me and needs me to keep him going. He told me that he'll fight to the end, but that he knows the end is coming soon. What the he*$ do I do??? Do I take him seriously, or do you think he's trying to hurt me for the pain he perceives as my fault?

By the way, I didn't really expect anyone to answer that last question...I just needed to say it, I guess.