Yesterday I was at the bookstore with a friend. We both bought a few books. One of mine was the new Sari Solden book on ADDults. In the car she asked to see what I bought. When she saw that one she asked me why I bought it. When I told her because I have ADD, she glanced through it then put it back and said something like...

"I guess if I'm going to be snoopy then I find out things I don't want to know."

Ouch.:faint:

Third bad response to telling friends. Guess I don't have any friends who care enough about me to want to know this stuff.
Just keep it light and impersonal; don't ever say anything that matters?
Or, it's ok to talk about marital problems; but neurological problems are off limits?

(sigh) :(

Don't give up on that friend just yet. My guess is she was just reacting with an initial "surprise". Most of my friends did not react much until they had time to think about it.
Unfortunately, some were supportive and some were not. It is hard to say how people will react to these things. All I can say for sure is that you will definitely find out if she is your friend or not as time progresses.... be patient.

ME :D


Yesterday I was at the bookstore with a friend. We both bought a few books. One of mine was the new Sari Solden book on ADDults. In the car she asked to see what I bought. When she saw that one she asked me why I bought it. When I told her because I have ADD, she glanced through it then put it back and said something like...

"I guess if I'm going to be snoopy then I find out things I don't want to know."

Ouch.:faint:

Third bad response to telling friends. Guess I don't have any friends who care enough about me to want to know this stuff.
Just keep it light and impersonal; don't ever say anything that matters?
Or, it's ok to talk about marital problems; but neurological problems are off limits?

(sigh) :(

Ouch, not exactly the response you wanted. I think people don't understand much about ADHD -- they just hear about the worst case and don't know that folks fall all along a continiuum. The most frequent response I get is, "You don't have that!" No of course I don't, I just wanted to pretend I was part of this elite club so I see a therapist and take meds!:rolleyes:

Scattered

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I'm lucky that my work usually means people have a clue (I'm a cognitive psychologist). But there are those (some friends & family) that don't.

When I get a response like this, I'm pretty direct. I push it. I don't care if they don't want to talk about it, it's important to me. If they don't understand the disorder, I educate them.

Some people think it's overdiagnosed; I think that's irrelevant. Even if it's overdiagnosed, that doesn't mean I don't have it. I talk about my successful treatment and how the treatment doesn't work for those who don't have the problem. (Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean nobody is after you!:))

Push it. If they truly are your friend, they'll listen and think about it.

Barb

That is exactly the reaction I am dealing with in a friend now. Her feelings on the matter are so strong that I don't think that there is anything I can do to make her understand me... It is sad, in my opinion.

Me :D

Ouch, not exactly the response you wanted. I think people don't understand much about ADHD -- they just hear about the worst case and don't know that folks fall all along a continiuum. The most frequent response I get is, "You don't have that!" No of course I don't, I just wanted to pretend I was part of this elite club so I see a therapist and take meds!:rolleyes:

Scattered

Whiteraven, there are different levels of friendship. As long as you have one friend who embraces and loves you with, for, in spite of ADHD, the rest don't matter.

Those were excellent responses.

I think it also shows how little some people know ( or think they know ) about ADHD.

Hey, I thought I was pretty knowledgeable about ADHD until I discovered that I had it. :D

Thanks everyone.

I guess I just wait and see... I'm hoping that this friend just doesn't want to talk about it too much. She's known I am different since about 1982. She called me an "old soul"! And since that is what people in India who have the symptoms we do are called, she pretty much diagnosed me at age 22!:cool:

I'm a little sensitive because I seem to have lost two friends to my diagnosis already.

One actually said she doesn't want to be involved with me anymore because of my insensitivity and inconsiderateness; after having previously said that my sensitivity etc is what she liked about me! :rolleyes:

The other one mentioned a connection between ADDers and hypersexuality! When I told her that some ADDers may have that issue but I don't, she insisted that all of us do. And since her husband is my friend also...
(sigh)
Yeah right. I was going to impulsively drag him out behind the barn and jump him against his will. He only outweighs me by about 80 lbs.:eyebrow: Now my plans are foiled! Oh yeah, if I do it impulsively, I wouldn't plan would I?:faint: :D

I find that I have friends for different reasons: some because of work, some because of shared interests, some because we like to talk on the phone, whatever. But I also find that once I go outside those parameters and talk about ADD/ADHD, especially the problems it can create, things can get pretty strained. That's why I'm here posting in this forum. I need to talk to people who understand.
I get tired of listening to people and being supportive and then when I want to talk about my set of personal issues that include ADHD.....well, you get the picture. I think ADDer's have a seperate language or point of reference: we say we're hyper or have trouble focusing to someone who isn't, they think we're saying we can't control ourselves. But we're just making a declaration, same as you might say you like the color blue. We know what we mean, they ain't got a clue.
Then again, sometimes, they're undiagnosed for it or suspect they might be ADD/ADHD and just mentioning it makes them panic.

"I guess if I'm going to be snoopy then I find out things I don't want to know."
Wow! I think if someone I had known for 20+ years had said that to me I would have been speechless. I'm sorry it happened, but like Speedo said, maybe after she has a little time with it she'll come around, ask you some questions about it or something. Hang in there!

I don't know what to say about the "friend" with the concern about hypersexuality. Sounds like she already had some insecurities about herself or marriage and used that as an excuse to create an out for herself.

SurvivnIvan You really explained what it's like so well.

whiteraven I give you a lot of credit for being so open with your friend.
And trying to talk about why you bought that book.

I'm really guarded about things like that.
And it's rare for me to talk about ADD with anyone.
It's only something I can do on this forum.

After reading this thread, I feel so fortunate.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

People SUCK

Barb

I have started telling more and more people. One reason is because a lightbulb went off for me when I heard someone else say that they had a friend w/ ADD.

When I mentioned it to a group of moms at my daughter's school one mom gave me her sister's phone number because he sister also had been diagnosed and she was feeling very alone.

ADD is a big part of who I am. When I tell people that I am I try hard not to act like I have anything to be ashamed about (that is not always easy).

Obviously you should take the action you want with your friend- but I have had a couple of long serious talks with my close friends and really let them know what a positive thing the diagnosis has been for me. Maybe your friend just doesn't really understand what ADD is.

Good luck and I am sorry that happened with your friend. ADD can be hard on one's self estiem and I am sure her comment didn't help. Luckily Sari Solden will- she literally changed my life. (I know estiem is spelled wrong! I just can't figure out how it is really spelled!)

It might be possible that people just don't know what to say. When there is bad news, like a death, people often just don't know how to handle it.

Most will also not understand how positive it can be to finally have a diagnosis and know what you're dealing with.

Everyone I tell either says, "Oh. That makes sense!" or they ask what led to the diagnosis and what I've learned about the disorder. They usually agree that it fits when they are educated.

Again, I feel fortunate.

I cannot be ashamed, though. How would I explain to my son that I'm ashamed of HIM? I'm NOT. And I'm not ashamed of me.

Barb

"I guess if I'm going to be snoopy then I find out things I don't want to know."

To me, this comment came off as sarcastic. ADD is different than any other condition just because a big part of the population think it's made up. Alot of people don't take it seriously. They think of little bratty boys bouncing off walls. Or else they think we are making an excuse for our irresponsibility or laziness.

If someone said to me after so many years that they had tourettes or epilepsy or manic depressive or something like that, I would NOT say a comment like your friend said. I don't think anyone would be that rude. They would of course say something supportive and show empathy. But not ADD! Some people think its a joke. They think in their mind-"o-k whatever!" because they don't believe it exists. This is why I hate telling people I have it. I know I'm not going to get any kind of sympathy.

I would just take that comment with a grain of salt and maybe keep her as a friend, but not have her as an emotional support kind of friend.

Yeah, I am finding it confusing that people I thought of as friends and who have known me for years can't get their heads around it. It is like they cease to see ME. It seems to weird them out...

I am trying to branch out a bit, meet new people. I have hope everlasting and Pollyanna syndrome too, did I mention?!

Thanks everyone. I need this; you all are my reality check. Yes, this is happening...

To be honest, I am a cognitive psychologist with bipolar disorder (and ADD) and I didn't understand ADD until recently.

Of course, I certainly didn't think it was "made up" or that those who claimed to have it were making excuses for being lazy. But, I really didn't understand the symptoms and how serious they can be.

I didn't understand what "distraction" really meant and I didn't understand the uncontrollability of focus. It wasn't until my symptoms became unbearable, and my son was diagnosed, that I was able to put it together and realize that this was indeed what I was experiencing.

I don't blame those who do not have the disorder for not understanding the disorder. I do, however, blame them for their lack of understanding (I think you know what I mean) and their lack of compassion. You don't have to experience someone's pain to be compassionate.

Barb

I don't blame those who do not have the disorder for not understanding the disorder. I do, however, blame them for their lack of understanding (I think you know what I mean) and their lack of compassion. You don't have to experience someone's pain to be compassionate.

BarbI think this is really the issue. Friends, real friends, stand beside you no matter what. They don't have to do much else, just ackowledge and accept and love you where you are.
We lost our home during Hurricane Ivan and I just recently ended a friendship because the other person couldn't get it through her head that I am still dealing with this. I didn't need her to feel my pain but I did expect her to understand that I'm still in pain. And how does she deal with the effect of all the hurricanes? She has put her home up for sale and plans to move out of state. I couldn't be happier!
Thinking about your particular experience, whiteraven, that was a pretty specific comment. Some people can express themselves quickly, some can't. I'm sure you wish you had been able to say something at that time and feel bad that you didn't. Hopefully, your friend wishes that she hadn't and maybe she does. For now I would ignore it and hope that it will fade with time but if it happens again then have something you've rehearsed to let her know that you are perfectly capable of defending yourself. You don't have to attack but you can put it right back on her and then see what she has to say about her own human condition!

Well, life is good.
My friend phoned me to find out how the whole "horse issue" has been going. So, I guess life goes on. We even talked about it in a sideways kind of way; how we hide our real faces from even our closest friends etc. I think it will be ok.
Her call reminds me to quit avoiding the issue and go talk to husband again.
Going...

I wouldn't worry about your friends reaction...if she doesn't accept you for who you are then it's her loss

People can do and say the most dunderheaded things.

It's not like you told her you have herpes or something! People are full of fears and misapprehensions and say really dumb things because -- well, they just do. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm wondering if you have discussed it with your friend -- if she is the type of friend you discuss such things with? Like, "You know, I know you probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I was kind of hurt when you said that finding out that I have ADD was something you didn't want to know. Could you explain to me what you meant, so that I really understand where you're coming from?" Then give her a chance to explain. If she really loves and values you, she might say, Oh, I thought I might have embarrassed you, or something. Then explain to her that ADD is not necessarily something bad, just a different way of being in the world.

People who don't believe in ADD are like people who are colorblind telling everyone that there IS no such color as red and green. It's easy for those of us who "see" ADD to explain it to each other, but for those who don't "see" it -- I don't know what to say about them. WE know it's not made up!

Wow that seems like the weirdest response to someone finding out about your ADD. Would maybe expect that response if you had an STD or the Plague you know something the friend could catch and feel uncomfortable being around but ADD.

I've heard the it's not real or you don't have it responses but never heard of anyone that was grossed out by it and really that what the response means they were grossed out. Thats the kind of comment you'd make if your parents started talking about sex in front of you LOL sorry maybe it's just me it just seemed like a really weird thing to say.

Raven,I would have taken that responce pretty badly myself.It would have hurt me.
Did you ask her what she meant by that kind of negative remark?

You should probably explain to her its not a bad thing.ITS NOT.........

She may have meant a myriad of other things by it,like-great!My friend has something that affects her life everyday,in every way.
She probably wasnt thinking,or worded it right.
I would bring it up casually and tell her what and how it affects your life,no biggie.She probably has no idea what ADD really is.When I have told people they automatically think of school age children!They have no idea there a millions of adults(who they see and meet everyday.)and its okay,its not the end of the world.

It sure isnt something to look down on as a bad thing.Its just you and you are a part of her because you are friends and share your life.

On the other hand,some just cant handle too much info.
Speaking for myself.......its me!Im a adult woman with ADD and thats no secret!!!!!

Good luck Raven,your strong and smart.Sometimes it can catch you off guard when a friend(especially one of that many years )can make a remark so thoughtless.
But,no ones perfect,except for us!!!!!!LOL!!!!!!

I would have told the friend that since she snooped and found the book now she has to read it.

Yesterday I was at the bookstore with a friend. We both bought a few books. One of mine was the new Sari Solden book on ADDults. In the car she asked to see what I bought. When she saw that one she asked me why I bought it. When I told her because I have ADD, she glanced through it then put it back and said something like...

"I guess if I'm going to be snoopy then I find out things I don't want to know."

Ouch.:faint:

Third bad response to telling friends. Guess I don't have any friends who care enough about me to want to know this stuff.
Just keep it light and impersonal; don't ever say anything that matters?
Or, it's ok to talk about marital problems; but neurological problems are off limits?

(sigh) :(
Hmmm, I would've asked her what exactly she found out while glancing through the book that she didn't want to know.

Anyway, yeah ADD has a stigma to it. It stinks, it's not fair, but things are not going to change. This is why I've always purchased books on ADD (and I've amassed quite a few) while by myself. The next time you want to buy a particular book on ADD, don't bring a friend along because you take a chance that she or he might say something cynical about it. On the other hand, when you do go to the bookstore with a friend, stick to bestsellers and books mentioned in Oprah magazine. It's compromise and give-and-take.

She probably has no idea what ADD really is.
Most people don't. One of the main reasons I stopped telling people I have ADD. Some people thought it meant that I couldn't read, and would actually point to words and read them aloud for me! That got very annoying, very fast, so yeah.

Sometimes I will causually mention to friends, "I take amphetamines on a regular basis to help me concentrate in school/work and stuff because I have problems concentrating on things for long periods of time," and the response is usually "Oh, really?" just casual. Sometimes they might even chime in with,"My friend/family member has that problem too." I'm not sure if it's the way that it's worded, but this way it's no big deal to the other person. It works a lot better than just saying, "I have ADD," probably because it gives the other person a better understanding of what exactly you mean.

you get used to people not wanting to deal with it - I just don't bother to tell friends any more (people aren't really friends most of the time anyway, just proximate companions of opportunity)