Hi,
I know im not going to be popular after saying this, but i just thought i would say my 2 cents on what i have noticed in all of the forums on this site...

We cant made ADD/ADHD the scapegoat for all the mistakes or outrageous things we have done in our lives, and it is very clear that alot of people in here are doing exactly that. Blaming what they did in the past such as unprotected sex, drink driving, dropping out of college, breaking rules/laws etc and even going as far as blaming all of their failings in relationships and odd behaviour exhibited from their partners on their own or their partners ADD/ADHD.

I think you need to step back and ask yourself really how much of that can you blame on the ADD/ADHD and how much was actually just you. Its so easy to hide behind a name such as ADD or ADHD, because "normal people" have this image that add'ers screw up alot, and when you do screw up and blame it on the ADD they just accept it, no questions asked as to whether it was actually the ADD or whether it was just you...

Im not saying that we cant say that ADD/ADHD hasnt affected our choices in life, but not everything we do or say is because of ADD...we are actually in there under that condition!!!

We with ADD do have an impulse issue, there is no denying that, but we have not lost our ability to know right from wrong or make wise decisions for ourselves...and obviously those unwise decisions we have made in the past are actually just us being Human....not being ADD!

Thankyou for reading, this was not to point the finger at anyone in particular, but as a general and this is what i have noticed.

Cheers,
Brittany

Speaking just for myself, I see it as an explanation, not an excuse.

I still am responsible for everything I do. Framing it in the perspective of ADD, however, helps me understand why I did those things, hopefully to make improvements, but if nothing else then for closure.

For people like me, who found out about ADD later in life, these forums are kind of a way to piece together what has happened through a dialog with people who have been through the same kinds of things.

So no, I don't blame ADD for my mistakes, but I try to use my new understanding to interpret them whem possible.

I really think how people percieve their ADHD is related to how long they've been on meds. The stats show that ADDers are at least twice as likely as their non-ADD peers to make all of the mistakes you mentioned. A lot of it is impulse but it also has to do with self-esteem issues. The more severe the ADHD is, the more likely people are to have trouble with feelings of helplessness and make mistakes.

It's hard to say that ADHD does not affect every aspect of life, because it does. I don't really think that people here "blame" ADHD for all of their life mistakes, but we are pretty honest about how maybe if we had better control over the symptoms that we would not have chosen some of the things we do. A big part of the problem is that ADHD impulsivity can be stronger than our moral inhibitions. The little devel on the right is much louder than the angel on the left.

When it's not treated until adulthood there's a lot of things that we wouldn't have chosen. Is that part of being human...yes. But, I think that as a group we're a bit more "human" than the norm. This is a place where we feel free to admit our screwups so there tends to be a lot about them and our feelings and lack of motivation written. I doubt that very many of us truely blame everything on our ADHD. As Uminchu stated it's more a way to help us explain and understand ourselves and motivations.

First, as the previous posters stated, most of us on this board view the label as an explanation, not an excuse. There is quite a distinction. If ADD/ADHD is part of who we are, then blaming it is also blaming ourselves.

On the other hand, while we may be responsible for our bad decisions, ADD/ADHD can be a real roadblock to accomplishing our dreams. There are some things that hard work, determination, and will just cannot overcome. I have a friend in a wheel chair. While it's certainly no excuse to behave badly (he doesn't, btw), no amount of work will get him to a point where he will dance. I have ADD. I'm doing my best to achieve my goals in spite of it, but I am limited by the ability of my brain to behave and the medication help me make it behave.

Remember that all behaviors follow a continuum. Yes, EVERYBODY does stupid things. Everybody looses their keys. Everybody experiences times when it is difficult to focus. Everybody forgets appointments sometimes. It is the frequency, the duration, and the severity of these episodes that makes the behaviors a disorder.

ADD makes us more likely to engage in the behaviors we talk about here. The world comes in many shades of gray, not just black and white.

Barb

Brittany, I know what you are talking about. I've read a few posts where people are attributing all sorts of deliberate and continuing (even planned!) bad behavior, dishonesty, etc. to the ADD. If you think about it though, this is not an ADD issue. The person looking for someone/something to blame their own actions on, will find it. For example, "It's because of my childhood". I've listened to my parent blame her parents for all of her own failings, and I've been known to pull that one myself.

However, it's not always so easy to separate "responsibility avoidance" from honest, correct assessment of things that have made it more difficult for us to make correct, if difficult, choices or to live up to our potential. I've spend most of my childhood and 20 years of adult life with a fair amount of certainty that I was just weak and unmotivated and cowardly, and knowing that I have ADD finally is not something I want to use as "cover" or an excuse - instead, I now have hope that even at my "advanced" years that I can, and that I am changing the direction of my life. And with medication, guess what? I am no longer exhausted by my own little mental whirlwinds, I'm able to truly focus on the kind of behavioral modification stuff I've long known a little about (not so different for ADDers, in many ways, than what's found for more general self-help purposes), and I'm finally able to put it into practice. It doesn't stop me from doing stupid, thoughtless things sometimes, and a little self-***** kicking is good for the soul. It keeps you honest. But I know I have to learn where to stop - because anger turned inward rarely makes anyone a better person, either.

Hey Brit,
I also agree with how ADD/HD is a disorder and an explanation for some attributes and behaviors, but it is not an invitation to use it as an excuse for ALL attributes and behaviors.
Nova

Well,my opinion is.....
I made plenty of mistakes and down right crazy decisions!I was constantly beating myself up over it and it effected every aspect of my life growing up.I never knew why I couldnt control my impulses,the drive within me.
So many ADDers have had the same experience.Thats why it can seem overwhelming and the joy of knowing that and WHAT was wrong!There is finally a name to it.

I,in the past have actually sat and said in my head.......dont do that,thats stupid.Ill get hurt or this will happen and before I knew it my body did it.Like jumping off a cliff or something.It was crazy!!!!!

Frusteration,self hatred and anger at the world is what I felt most of my life.After edgucating myself on brain disorders and realizing that it wasnt me being crazy and getting treatment for it my life has changed for the better!

I even have my hubbys family(who are mostly drug abusers and alcoholics)tell me they like me better the old way,Im no fun anymore.LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still fun,Im just responsible now.I have control,I can think a step ahead of me.I dont make hasty or dangerous choices anymore.

Thats where the blame game comes in.I definetly would have had a better shot at life with treatment growing up.Would I change it.....Not for all the money in the world.

The trick,harnassing all that emotion and feelings from the past.Recognizing and then accepting and making the choice to move on and step into the new life.

I have done those things,I am turning to the page of my happy ending.Now,if only I had some ruby slipper...............

ADHD is a reason and not an excuse.:)

It helps explain things and hopefully puts them in a better perspective.

The research on the Risk Factors for untreated ADHD covers most of the things mentioned at the start of the thread.

1) 78% of untreated ADHD kids really do drop out of High School (of the remaining 22%, only 5-10% go on to achieve their higher education (I'm part of that group);

2) The risk for pregnancy and std's are higher;

3) untreated ADHD people get fired (or quit more) from their jobs and do have trouble holding a job for a long lenght of time (more turnover);

4) untreated ADHD individuals do get more speeding tickets and have more serious and expensive wrecks, as well as more citations, etc.

One of the best places to find most of these data and the references supporting them is in The ADHD Book of LIsts by Sandra Rief.

On pages 20-21, she covers those and many more research based risk factors under the heading of ADHD STATISTICS AND RISK FACTORS.

Please check it out when you get a chance.

Personally, I see a big difference between reporting some things that happen to be true versus using them as an excuse.

I guess it's all in how you present it.

The main thing though, is to recognize those data are very real.

Funny...my wife just accused me last week of using my ADD as an excuse. That's how she sees it now. For me, I am finally admitting/recognizing how my ADD has colored my world, how it affects a lot of what I do, think and say. It's been a real eye-opener for me and, for lack of a better word, freeing.

I don't use it as an excuse. I use it as an explanation. I am very much into personal responsibility and accept the consequences of my actions; good, bad or indifferent, ADD related or not.

Eric

Now,if only I had some ruby slippers...............
I have those.
Literally.
A friend of mine, bought a pair for me, about ten years ago. :0).
They were on sale, at a local shoe store, around the end of October, that year.
Nova

Funny...my wife just accused me last week of using my ADD as an excuse. That's how she sees it now. For me, I am finally admitting/recognizing how my ADD has colored my world, how it affects a lot of what I do, think and say. It's been a real eye-opener for me and, for lack of a better word, freeing.

I don't use it as an excuse. I use it as an explanation. I am very much into personal responsibility and accept the consequences of my actions; good, bad or indifferent, ADD related or not.

Eric
Good for you, Eric !!!
By the way, you might find it amusing to note, that I have a friend of mine, who resides in Ohio, who is also a cusp Cancer/Leo pilot (commercial) !!
Neato, huh ?
Nova

By the way, you might find it amusing to note, that I have a friend of mine, who resides in Ohio, who is also a cusp Cancer/Leo pilot (commercial) !!
Neato, huh ?
Cool!

Eric

I know im not going to be popular after saying this, but i just thought i would say my 2 cents on what i have noticed in all of the forums on this site...

Luckily this is a message board not a popularity contest, all perspectives are welcome. It is a good point for all to ponder. I mean when does reason end and excuse begin?????

Willingness to accept responsibility or pay for the consequences?. :confused:


I would classify the word all as an over generalization. Some post may do so; just like some people who post here may indeed use ADD as an excuse. It borders on insulting to say "all" post or to imply "all" members :mad: here on ADDF use ADD as an excuse for bad behavior.

....one thread in chit-chat has to do with word association, another thread in this section has do with venting about what ever has annoyed the participants today "The ADD vent thread"

So I will assume you just used “all” as a figure of speech?????? ;)
Okay I'm all better..

Forgetting "all" is used as a figure of speech some times an ADD thing?????

No, not why I mentioned this.

Asking for a specific intention behind word usage/meaning a me thing. :D



I think you need to step back and ask yourself really how much of that can you blame on the ADD/ADHD and how much was actually just you.

Actually it is all me and don't say oh honey I called you an ugly name because I am/ have ADD..I say I am sorry I behaved inappropriately.....it was wrong.

My impulsivity may have played a part in my calling instead of taking the time to patiently state my opinion. I do NOT use it as an excuse, it is inappropriate to call a partner a name period and I know that.



I know what you are talking about. I've read a few posts where people are attributing all sorts of deliberate and continuing (even planned!) bad behavior, dishonesty, etc. to the ADD.


Hmmmmmmm planning isn't supposed to be an ADD trait. I do not know which threads you have been reading but they are very different ones from the ones I have read.

Believe it or not planning may not be an ADD trait however coincidence can be. My signature says it all......I have actually had it there for a while and I believe it....

So this post will make sense when I change my signature a month from now and to prevent any one from having to scroll to the bottom I will repeat it for my last line in this response.....

PLEASE NOTE If I can't use my ADHD for as an excuse for bad behavior, you can't my ADHD as an excuse for your bad behavior either!!!!!!!

The research on the Risk Factors for untreated ADHD covers most of the things mentioned at the start of the thread.

1) 78% of untreated ADHD kids really do drop out of High School (of the remaining 22%, only 5-10% go on to achieve their higher education (I'm part of that group);
You know, I'm curious about this statistic. Mainly because I dropped out of high school half-way through...but I went back and completed it. Did whatever study that was track people long enough to know for sure that they really never completed school?

I understand now- being 41 and only dx'd recently (a year ago?) - that my ADHD had an impact on my bad decisions because, what would always start with the best of intentions, would turn horribly wrong, and I couldn't forsee that because I couldn't forsee anything. I couldn't look more than one step ahead. I'd walk blindly into dangerous situations without the slightest notion that I was getting into trouble.
I see it as the difference between ignorant and uneducated. We're not ignorant, we don't use ADD as an excuse (or shouldn't anyway), we just don't know how to see over the horizon - or our brains can't. Maybe some of us can when on meds. I don't know.
I have been thinking the last few days though, that (and this is going to be a HIGHLY unpopular statement) this support site might be a little more harmful than helpful to some. Some may use it as a place to wallow in self pity, and to get so hung up on the fact that they have ADD that they don't even try to push themselves to be better. They learn so much about it, and all the things that they can attribute to it, that they almost feel like their lives are out of their hands and in the hands of the ADD. I think I was doing that.
If I never found this site, or if I never found out I had severe ADHD, I wouldn't excuse so much of my own forgetfulness and lazy-mindedness. I'd be mad at myself instead and fight it (like I used to before I knew I had it). Fighting it did no good at all, but at least I wasn't allowing the ADHD to become who I am, instead of just an annoying part of me. I expected more from myself then. Now I expect very little....I'm a poor little thing with ADHD, what can I do?
Time for me to sit myself down and have a harsh little talk with myself.

I used to say poor me, poor me, pour me another drink...That happened until I decided to do something about my drinking FIRST, then I discovered the iceberg underneath...
Did ADD or any of the other stuff I lived thru in life give me an excuse for my behaviors or wrong doings? Hell no!:mad:
BUT, I know myself better today AS the result of taking corrective actions to adjust to whatever it is I need to adjust to...:cool:
I do not really feel that I am right or wrong when I do things or say things... I do things and say things cause I am what and who I am... Here I go again with my little speech of balance... Everything needs to be balanced...
Perhaps balance as a topic would be a nice new thread, but I think I better finish my couple of projects first...:eyebrow::)

On the other hand, I do feel that, in general, society tends to look down on the outcasts and other not-as-normal folks out there... It is a big blame game...so, sometimes i play nice and sometimes i don't...

can you please tells me if anyone falls from these last two categories?:):(

greetings from the moon here...:p

Tammy !!
You Rock !!!
Nova

Growing up I wondered why I am not like all the other kids, 'why am I not with it'?
-Why do I not know how to be popular?
-What is this theater called life, and why am I a spectator?
-Why would I rather daydream and think about neat things than get involved in a sport, why does the competition and rigidity of organised sport bore or not appeal to me?
-Why do I forget things all the time, or absent minded?
-Why do I not like social events, or events that require proper dress?
-Why am I teased and made fun of?
-I know I'm smart but why do some kids think I'm fried, or burnt?
-Why are some kids so cruel?(to other kids and/or animals)

You mean there are others who have gone through this, I am not alone?! :)
ADD is a realisation, not an excuse,
I've been ADD before I knew of such a thing.

I Toad you so.

Bean,

I don't know the answer to the question, but I'll certainly try and look.

I've posted this before, but these data were presented by both Sam Goldstein in 2001 and again by Russ Barkley in 2003.