I am a very calm natured, happy, easy-going person..although a lot of minor things get to me I brush off everything and don't get angry very often. I am always happy, almost never get upset(eventhough im sensitive but i avoid situations that will hurt me) and most people can't even picture me in a bad mood. However, about a week ago i had a MAJOR rage outburt over something that didn't really deserve it..I swear I nearly broke through our brand new kitchen counter top. I could not control it, I was so angry and upset I had to leave the house and sat out in the freezing cold for two hours and I wasnt even calm then.

I know rage is common in ADHD hyperactive types, but I know myself as an inattentive is rarely enraged by anything or even has the capacity to get that out of control.

Have any other inattentives had this happen to them?

although a lot of minor things get to me I brush off everything and don't get angry very often. I am always happy, almost never get upset(eventhough im sensitive but i avoid situations that will hurt me)


I would surmise that you rarely display your annoyance, or irritation but you have been experiencing it and merely "stuffing" it inside.

I barrowed this from a marriage counselor
It is called the green stamp book effect

Long ago when I was actually young they gave away green stamps in certain stores according to the amount of your purchases. They had the little notebooks to stick these stamps in. After filling up a certain numbers of these notebooks with green stamps one could take these books to a "special store" and use them to buy stuff. Of course the more full books you had the better stuff you could get.

Now to your out burst. Every time some one hurts your feelings, irritates you, is inconsiderate or rude and you "brush it off" in effects you are placing "x" number of green stamps in your book according to the degree of the violation. The greater the violation the more stamps you place in your book.

Now even if you have never seen a green stamp book I am sure you can see how one notebook could only hold a certain number of green stamps. Even if you paste them on the front back you can only get some many in it.

Okay what I see happening when I read your post is your green stamp notebook became too full to add another offense to so you blew. You were not only reacting to the offense that set you off you were reacting to the countless offenses that were "blown of" before. See you stuff the offenses they weren't dealt with so they didn't go any where. Only when you became unable to place one more offense in the green stamp book did you finally experience the anger you have been avoiding with the "green stamps"

The key in your post that leads me to believe you have been "building pressure" is the avoidance of certain situations. Most people will avoid that which they feel is unpleasant but they will deal with the unpleasantness if it is necessary for important personal progress......the way you wrote your post it read as if you have felt this pressure building for some time and wanted to avoid cashing in the green stamps so to speak!!!!
Hope this helps.


I know rage is common in ADHD hyperactive types, but I know myself as an inattentive is rarely enraged by anything or even has the capacity to get that out of control.


It doesn’t matter which ADD you have all people are capable of exploding. Impulsive and more impulsive combined types are viewed this way because they are too impulsive to know life is giving away green stamps never mind with hold their reaction long enough to stuff them (anger) “in a book”( inside).

Because impulsive people react the moment they feel annoyed, offended or violated they are seen as being more capable of being angry. They may be more likely to express their emotions externally. Inattentive varieties have just as many emotions as their impulsive counter parts; they are just less likely to openly display their feelings. Even non-ADDer have negative emotions and feelings when people violate their boundaries. So what I have written isn’t defined with in the confines of ADD, it is applicable to the human race.

I once heard that people tend to deal with negative feelings by “stuffing” or “spewing”. You are a stuffer, I am a spewer, we each become angry just tend do deal with the anger differently.

I'm inattentive type and have had this kind of angry most of my life.

I haven't seen it in a very long time. One of the last ones I had wasn't about anything minor. It was about the lack of control I felt in my married life.

I punched a wall, mashed up my hand, picked up the coffee table and smashed it to the floor. All while my very young children watched in horror screaming in fear. :o Later in shame of my anger and still very angry I cut hair my own long hair to my chin. This about 9 years ago.

I looked for help the next day.

I've have anger troubles here and there. It's now just freaking out and yelling very loud. It's now when I'm PMSing and when my husband is having trouble with his mental illness issues at the same time. Basical when my guard is down, I only have angry issues towards him.

I once heard that people tend to deal with negative feelings by “stuffing” or “spewing”. You are a stuffer, I am a spewer, we each become angry just tend do deal with the anger differently.

This is soooooooooo very true !!!

I come from a "don't make waves" family. And what ever you do, DO NOT ever talk about your feeling.

I've learned (not that I always do it well) to pick my battles. This one works well for me specially with living with a partner who's Bipolar, one who lives to pick fights with me and everyone else. So when my "guard" is down I allow him to "get" to me which will get me stuffing my feelings, overeating and well yelling to be heard. Which never works... ;)

Holy crap, you both described what can only be defined as my biggest life obstacle, and the greatest contributor to whatever low self worth I have/had. You see, I have had a problem with rage outbursts ever since I was young, and sometimes they were so violent and severe that the police had to be called, not to mention the local looney bin. Every time I would explode, I would curse myself afterward for losing control, and because I would destroy so many things. Sometimes I would turn my aggression towards myself and literally beat myself senseless (thankfully, I never hurt anyone else though). Because of the way I reacted, I grew up believing I was a freak and a mental nut case and because of that I never lived up to my full potential. I had many opportunities to be successful but I never followed through with them because my rage outbursts would sabotage it. Dating was out of the question because I feared showing a girl I was interested in this side of me. So I grew up thinking that no girl would want a freak like me and consequently I missed out on a lot of great opportunities with girls who actually liked me.

To put it in twenty five words or less this rage problem has been, either directly or indirectly, the cause of almost all of my pain and misery I have felt. I used to think I was the only person who had this problem, furthuring my belief that I was a mental freak, but now I see that that is false. Normally I dont like baring my soul like this, because this is a part of my life that I like to keep hidden, but now that I know what I know, maybe I can start reprogramming my mind to contradict all those horrible beliefs I have had.

And now the biggest question....How do I keep from having everything boiling over or at least minimize it?

With the high comorbidity with bipolar disorder, I find this interesting.

I am a relatively calm person, but had some "episodes" where I lost control and flew into a rage before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I haven't had any since, so the meds for that must have handled it since I just started ADD meds.

I have always hade trouble feeling anger. I know it has to be in there because it's a normal human emotion but I think my anger comes out in the form of tears. I was working on this in therapy to learn how to express it. Well one night I allowed myself to feel and express my anger and I scared myself. I was in a restaurant too! I just started screaming at my brother in law and telling him off. He walked out it was so bad and I walked around the restaurant apologizing to the people around me. Everyone at my table was speechless because they have never seen me like that. When I asked my therapist about it he said I'm going from one extreme to the next because I haven't learned how to express myself and it just takes practice and time. I seem to do everything to the extreme though. It's either all the way or not at all.

I was raised to be a big time stuffer -- I was a hyperactive kid (currently diagnosed as primarily inattentive) -- our family did not do anger .... period!!! As an adult I tended to take my anger out on myself. After meds though I've had anger that very much wanted to lash out -- I've managed (just barely at times) to restrain myself, but the emotion is pretty obvious in my expression and tone. It doesn't have to be anything important either -- I don't understand why it ticks me off so badly. I'm still trying to figure out this whole rage thing. I don't know if meds are implicit or if there is some other answer for why it has gotten so much worse. Maybe when I got out of the fog, I just realized how much things irritated me. Not sure. I'm going off meds for a while to see if things get better or worse. I'm really not comfortable with having that much rage trying to get out.

Scattered

interesting, scattered. for me, when i am irritable and my husband talks about my "tone", it's a signal that i need to take my meds.

i noticed that i was *much* more irritable at the end of the day, when my adderall had worn off, and that's when i started taking dexedrine (quick release) in the evening. i don't know if the irratibleness was due to the rebound effect when the adderall was wearing off, but, taking a small dose of dexedrine helped enormously.

prior to my AD/HD (innatentive-type) diagnosis, i would occasionally lose control and lash out at my husband. i can see that all the anger that came spewing out at him was largely misdirected. i was frustrated at being misunderstood over whatever was currently bothering me, but my rage reaction was a result of me expressing my anger over *every time* in the past that i had been misunderstood and had stuffed it.

After diagnosis and treatment of my AD/HD, I'm much more able to express my frustration *at the time of impact* -- i think partly because i can focus on it. when i was so highly distracted, it was easy for me to stuff my frustration because i could shift my attention to something else. this was done unconsciously and now i have to make a serious effort to address an issue immediately or i fall into the old habit of 'dealing with it later' only to have the frustration errupt with disastorous results. treating my AD/HD helps me deal with whatever comes up *now* rather than procrastinating.

thanks for the topic and interesting discussion.

And now the biggest question....How do I keep from having everything boiling over or at least minimize it?

i don't think i directly answered your question, BC. i've got a couple questions for you .... have you been formally diagnosed with AD/HD? if yes, are you currently being treated for AD/HD? and barbyma brought up a good point about co-morbidity ... has your health practioner explored co-morbid diagnoses?

i think there *are* ways to control your rages, what has helped me is to figure out *why* they occur so i can solve the problem before it happens. for me, i take my medications (to help me deal with problems when them come up rather than putting them off), i explore my reaction (am i mad because of *this current* situation, or, is this a trigger), and i see a threapist (i have several triggers... :rolleyes: ).

take care,

Wheezie

interesting, scattered. for me, when i am irritable and my husband talks about my "tone", it's a signal that i need to take my meds.

i noticed that i was *much* more irritable at the end of the day, when my adderall had worn off

WheezieThis is also true for me -- very confusing. Haven't taken my meds for two days and yesterday my husband was asking if I took them (I managed to avoid answering the question), and he was all over me about how I wasn't listening, was over reacting, was lost in the fog and so forth. Grrrrrrrrr -- can't win.:mad:

Doing something to avoid the triggers is a great thing, but the problem is it's usually the little things I don't see coming that trigger me (IE: my kid spilling all the orange juice for the family's breakfast on the floor; or my husband telling me to do something "his" way and launching into a long explaination I can't follow).and i see a threapist (i have several triggers... :rolleyes: ).Yeah, me too!:rolleyes: Hope he's got some words of wisdom for me! It seems like most of the time meds do help smooth out those bumps, but when they don't the rage feels worse than usual.

Scattered

I have the rage.I hate it!
I dont have it when medicated properly though.I have always had rage problems in my life.
I am also very calm and a sweet natured gal but if the mood strikes....I go off like a rockett!!!!!!!!!
I havnt had my meds since thanksgiving so yesterday I had to litterally stop myself from smashing my fist through my walls because I couldnt find something.....I cant even remember now!That is just a example!!!!LOL!!!!!!
But,when on meds....it just dissapears!!!!Weird hu?

i'm going to see a new psychiatrist sometime in Jan., once the new insurance year rolls around ... i've met the limit for therapist/psychiatrist visits this year.... :eek:

so, if we find the magic combination, i'll let you know. in the meantime, i'm buying the family flak jackets for christams.... :D

I'm still trying to figure out this whole rage thing. I don't know if meds are implicit or if there is some other answer for why it has gotten so much worse. Maybe when I got out of the fog, I just realized how much things irritated me. Not sure. I'm going off meds for a while to see if things get better or worse. I'm really not comfortable with having that much rage trying to get out.


One of my daughters was “pleasantly” active. Most of the time she was a happy child so when ever she did become angry it was surprisingly drastic change. Any way when she first started medications she seemed more irritable so I asked her about it one evening.

Her response “I don’t like being treated as if I am stupid. Mommy have my friends always treated me this way and I simply didn’t know it.”

This youngster can be a tad dingie but she has an eye for the obvious often missed.

Medications for ADD can cause irritability especially while your body is adjusting to the chemical changes.

However as my daughter pointed out when she was seven that ADD medications can make us more aware of our surrounding. Medications can cause us to notice for what can be the first time in our lives the way we are treated by the people in our lives.

I don’t have a magic answer but have some suggestions. I was one of those hyperactive people who could go into a very dangerious rage at the drop of a hat. I still have my moments of toddler type behavior…every one does.

My medications not only have enabled me to notice things that annoy me but I have trained my self when I feel that pit beginning to form in my stomach to stop before I begin reacting and “name that feeling” and “determine exact cause/reason.

Often what is triggering me is minor but the minor incident is connected to a much larger problem I have been avoiding. If I can use the medications to slow my responses long enough to find the cause of my frustration I can deal with the minor annoyances by saying some thing before I go into attack mode. The large ones I begin assessing options analyzing situation ect.

Some times I would explode when Gary asked me to stop and help him. I would just go off for what appeared to be no reason. One day he asked for help I felt the irritation whelming up inside but got up without saying a word. He wanted me to explain how to change the settings on his computer. He wouldn’t listen to my suggestions he just wanted me to stand behind him and watch while he fiddled with it. What a waste of my time.

I took a deep breath and told Gary

“You seem to want to do this your way which is fine but I am going back to my own computer and finish what I was doing because standing here watching you puss buttons is boring and a waste of my time!!!!!”

He still interrupts me now however he has gotten better in taking my advice, not trying to pressure me while I am trying to help him figure things out. If he begins to ignore me or pressure me, then I simply walk off and go back to what I was doing.

Last night he did this. Gary wanted me to figure out what his nephew did to his computer screen. I tried to make suggestions but was ignored. I walked off and went back to reading a post. He asked if I was mad

I said “No I walked off before I became that way. Now when you want to move and let me try to figure out what Mat did to your computer let me know I will help. I refuse to stop what I am doing because you ask for my help and promptly ignore my suggestions.
I was able to locate source of my frustration, state problem behavior make a decision as to how I was going to handle it. You can do things your way without me standing behind you.

Rage is a sign that some thing isn’t being dealt with on an emotional level. Some times we have so much build up that we need professional help. However when I deal with issues as they come up I have learned my moments of pure rage have mysteriously vanished. Now when I do blow up it is for just cause and is usually over some thing I have tried to handle the “healthy way” using several approaches but was unsuccessful. Periodic explosion remind partner why openly discussing and dealing with an issue is a good thing..keeps them from going Kaaaa-BOOM!!!!!

meadd
Thank you for writing a post that has brought back a great memory. I remember going to the green stamp store with my mom and looking at the items you could buy just with those books. Do you remember the days when you could open a box of washing machine detergent and find a towel?
I am a stuffer :) but I don't know how to let stress or being mad at someone out of my body. A few years back I had 6 bleeding ulcers. I am on zoloft and I take ambien to sleep. Anyone else like this? I use to cry when I was upset or mad but after the death of a friend in Katrina, painful eye surgery, and a teenage friend of my son hanging herself I don't.
:) but thanks to this forum I keep my sanity!!!!!!!!!!!

:eyebrow:

I too have had troubles with the rage thing, my wife for years now has told me she can't understand why some major things I can shrug off like its nothing, and something as minor as the kitchen sink faucet constantly dripping irriates the hell out of me, that I get so upset that I sometimes blow up. I have been seeing a therapist for my ADHD and taking Adderal Xr and also Adderal at night, for a more steady dose during the day and evening. I also was on Prozac for stress, but that did nothing, now I am on Klonopin's and those help out a lot, When I take my meds and notice or told I am stressing I take a Klonopin and that usually helps mellow me out, or at least calm's me down. But there has been those occasions where all else fails and I seem hopelessly trapped by my rage and actions and don't know what to do.

I didn't think I had a problem with rage. . . until I got married.

I can relate to a lot of this thread, but part of this is impulsiveness, as well.

My MO is I get really angry, do, say, stomp something obnoxious, or just steam silently, and then I'm fine! Thank you very much. It blows over rapidly
. . . for me.

I'll appologize right away if I've offended someone. I usually manage not to break expensive electronic items, or antique ceramics, or wreck that car.

Unfortunately, my brief raging does set off my wife. By the time the quick emotion has passed me by, the damage is done and my wife is just getting started.

Not a good dynamic.


My medications not only have enabled me to notice things that annoy me but I have trained my self when I feel that pit beginning to form in my stomach to stop before I begin reacting and “name that feeling” and “determine exact cause/reason.
Yeah, the meds slow me down to the point that I can see the rising wave of anger and redirect (or keep my mouth shut to wait for it to pass) Even when I'm not medicated I can manage to leave the room, and cool down - - which takes all of one or two minutes. I usually know whats bothering me.

My wife takes all this personally and has a tendency to follow me when I walk away, though I ask her not to. She wants to teach me a lesson on anger management at these times.

Ya don't teach the junk-yard doberman new tricks when he's out roaming the yard, you teach him when he's stuck in his pen.

I think we need a live-in referee, or a time-out gong.

Ah! Sounds like some of the threads that pop up around here. :faint: What we need is our own personal moderator.

The underlying green-stamp build-up can be there, as well; if I'm generally unhappy, overly stressed, or depressed. That all seems to make the raging more frequent and intense. But I still rage occassionally even when I'm happy.

This is me. I'm much better now even without meds.

Self-awareness and conscious redirection helps immensely. And the emotions pass so quickly that forstalling a response, or pausing, usually takes care of it, then I can talk sensibly again.

Nothing wrong with getting angry, just how we express it.

My MO is I get really angry, do, say, stomp something obnoxious, or just steam silently, and then I'm fine! Thank you very much. It blows over rapidly


Ahh the impulsive factor. I am impulsive also which goes a long way toward preventing anger build up. You are correct when it is the with holding the expression that helps the impulsive problem. My problem is I wouldn't even realize I was angry until after I destroyed some thing or worse said some thing mean.

Conditioning myself to stop long enough to figure out why I am fixing to blow up is usually long enough for me to avoid disaster.

Medications do help but I can also do this now without them. This is what I mean when I say medications help me solve problem but they do not solve the problems for me!!!!!! Meds allowed me to see the need for change but I had to commit myself to the process!!!!!


Unfortunately, my brief raging does set off my wife. By the time the quick emotion has passed me by, the damage is done and my wife is just getting started.

Sounds like you married my second husband!!!! The slow to anger can really mess with the impulsive timing!!!! :o

One thing about being with another impulsive is that we both blow up threaten to kill each other and all is fine in about ten minutes. We go on like nothing has happened because we are both over it!!!!! :cool:


My wife takes all this personally and has a tendency to follow me when I walk away, though I ask her not to.

Following is a bad idea when some one is trying to walk off. This habit I broke but unfortunatily I learned this lesson the hard way. :(

Gary does this on occasion himself...if he would follow silently it would not be so bad but he can't seem to do the silent part very well. He often is giving me reasons why I shouldn't be mad.

Things like "You can't be mad about that"

My response "Oh yea buddy you got a list of crap I can be mad about I'll gladly pick one of those"

He will be "You are acting like a child throwing a fit like this"

Me "Leave me alone because it won’t get any healthier if you don't"

The worst thing he had done is try to physically restrain me.

I have drug him out of cars because he was holding to me trying to stop me from getting out.

He used to be real bad about this.....until he did some thing I became very hunt and angry about. He got in my way and wouldn’t let me walk off so I began chucking stuff. While I was chucking stuff he got in my way so I tried to leave. Being the brain surgeon that he is, he stood in my way again.

I told him "move or be moved"

He didn't move. I his feet were off the ground literally and was in mid-chunk when he finally said he would leave me alone!!!!!

Spouses can well meaning but so dense!!!! I have explained to Gary that when I go off on a tangent it is usually better to let me walk away then try to stop me.


These kinds of fits weren't over little things I was exerting physical energy to prevent my self for becoming physical with him!!!! He did some thing really bad and I had every right to be angry. If I can I will walk off and walk and walk and walk!!!! Driving :eek: that mad isn't very safe either so I don't.

I reassured Gary that if I leave the dog more than likely I plan on returning!!!!!! ;)

Nothing wrong with getting angry, just how we express it.

Well said

Stanzen, sounds like we throw the same type of temper tantrums and are married to the same type of responders. Not an easy fit to be sure! Since I've been off meds, about 10 days now, I haven't had one rage incident, but any number of little frustration/irritability episodes. On meds I have less irritability but much more rage when it does come up. Maybe the little episodes keep me from having the really big ones by draining off the build up. My problem is my husband (who understandably doesn't care much for either) gets the worst of it, since being told what to do pretty predictably irritates me -- I guess I've got more ODD to me than I thought). My husband tend to be rather commanding and that just doesn't work well for me. I'm not sure how to reign in that initial knee jerk defiance. Within a minute or two I usually can bring it down, but by then the damage is done. Still seems better than raging. I don't know how to prepare myself for what I don't see coming.


Scattered

However as my daughter pointed out when she was seven that ADD medications can make us more aware of our surrounding. Medications can cause us to notice for what can be the first time in our lives the way we are treated by the people in our lives.
That is so true and sucks to no end. I haven’t even been on my meds for a week and am having to learn how to deal with this.



Rage is a sign that some thing isn’t being dealt with on an emotional level.
I read somewhere long ago that anger is the emotion of change. When a person feels anger and doesn’t look for the cause to enact the necessary change, whatever caused the anger is filed away as a problem that needs to be resolved. As the unresolved problems build, at some point the brain becomes overwhelmed and the release is often rage but can be other behaviors like overeating, gambling, drinking, etc.

James

There is a seven year old at my son's school that just started meds this year. While she was working on a math worksheet she heaved a large sigh and said, "Life was so much easier before my medicine." Kids have great insight.

One thing about being with another impulsive is that we both blow up threaten to kill each other and all is fine in about ten minutes. We go on like nothing has happened because we are both over it!!!!! :cool:
That's great. Got me LOL. :D

Following is a bad idea when some one is trying to walk off. This habit I broke but unfortunatily I learned this lesson the hard way. :(

Gary does this on occasion himself...if he would follow silently it would not be so bad but he can't seem to do the silent part very well. He often is giving me reasons why I shouldn't be mad.

Things like "You can't be mad about that"

I can relate 100%!

Connie does that, saying I'm ridiculous for starting a stupid argument. As if! Takes two, doesn't it?

I'm going to talk to her again about this, before the next explosion.

But, I try to do the right thing.

We did renovations together a couple of times. I learned, the minute we stop to discuss something; I set down and unplug the power tools. :eek:

Maybe get out of the construction zone, too. Don't want to have to trust myself. :o


Stanzen, sounds like we throw the same type of temper tantrums and are married to the same type of responders. Not an easy fit to be sure!

Nope! And we both freely express ourselves. No silent sufferers in my family.


My husband tend to be rather commanding and that just doesn't work well for me. I'm not sure how to reign in that initial knee jerk defiance. Within a minute or two I usually can bring it down, but by then the damage is done. Still seems better than raging.

That gets at some of the problem; command and defy!

For us its areas of competence. When these areas overlap, watch out!

Elvis Costello:

Two little Hitlers
will fight it out until
one little Hitler
does the other one's will.