While perusing another thread, I ran across a post by Subliminal (who I hope doesn't mind that I pulled his words over here- the other board seemed the wrong place to discuss this) Anyway... I read this and it was me. Sort of. Here are his words:


its a funny paradox you know, because (my psychiatrist tells me) i am hyper tuned-into criticism, so much so that it is all i really hear, my automatic 'selective' ear simply disregards the praise i want so badly (i'm hopeless i know) because... it is so hard for me to EVALUATE WHAT IS RIGHT/WRONG BEHAVIOUR.
I know ADDers want praise, they thrive on it. So why the heck can I not accept it? I've been given kudos of all kinds, but I always shrug them off. Any criticism however, burns right into my being and I incorporate it into my self image. Arrrgh! Is this a guy thing, an ADD thing, or am I just badly warped? (Oh, excuse me- delightfully quirky.)

Craig

No Craig, it's just you.
Just kidding. :)

I get this way, too.

Part of it may be that no matter how good the results, we know how flawed the process was. Another part may be that no matter how well we do, we know we could have done better.

I know ADDers want praise, they thrive on it. So why the heck can I not accept it? I've been given kudos of all kinds, but I always shrug them off. Any criticism however, burns right into my being and I incorporate it into my self image. Arrrgh! Is this a guy thing, an ADD thing, or am I just badly warped? (Oh, excuse me- delightfully quirky.)Yeah, that's been a large problem with me. I shrug off compliments because I reason with myself that either they pitied my efforts or are trying to get on my good side for their own benefits. If I get criticized, I feel they're telling the truth because why else would they have said it?

I read an interesting article on add today, it basically said many of us, ADD'ers have achieved much with incredible determination and intelligence(questionable on my part if you knew some of my stunts) but have paid a high price resulting in low self worth. I can relate somewhat to that, in sports and in business I was never satisfied with the results, winning was prett cool though. The add thing is new to me, as far as the diagnosis, I thought I was just driven! I have been on adderal xr for 3 months now, still trying to get dose right but feel better than in years .Anyway, thought I'd share.

How common is this

Considering I typed in the words attention deficit/self esteem and got like a zillion results I would say pretty common in ADDers to have a low self esteem.

One of the site I found.
http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch25.htm

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An idea or two of my own.


Spending I like time of not knowing the answers to questions like:

"why can't you get it together?"

"why can't you just apply your self?"

"where are your school books?"

"what did I just say to you?"

"why can't you be like the rest of the kids?"

"Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"

"Why can't you clean your room?"

This may cause a tad decrease in self esteem over a life time.

But what is it about low self esteem that keeps us from accepting any kudos? I'd think the opposite were true. I can understand why we have it, and that it in itself is very common to ADDers, but I cannot see why it is so contradictory to what we try and do to fix it.

My mantra these days seems to be "I don't understand" Ha! Understatement.

Craig

As I've matured, the compliments have been easier to accept...although it's still an uneasy acceptance on my part. Conversely, any negative comments or criticism still have the ability to hit me hard...no matter how well intended. My sensitivity level is a bit extreme in that I still hear the echos of negative childhood tapes in my head... and can do a terrific job of mentally beating myself up.

I think as one learns to like oneself and develops a healthy self-respect....compliments are easier to receive, without questioning why and where they came from.

Also, I was never given too many kudos as a child...but I've learned as an adult (and a parent) that handing them out is very important. A simple kind word has the power to brighten someone's day ...and the potential to do wonders for a child.

Quiet Tiger, you bring up something else I am baffled about. Why is it so difficult to give praise, real, truthful praise? I find it so easy to compliment someone on their clothes or motorcycle or whatever, but my son, who recently nearly brought me to tears with happiness has no idea he did so. I wanted to tell him, I meant to tell him, but I don't. It's easier for me to tell a friend she looks beautiful than it is for me to tell my wife.

Guess I have a lot of questions. Thanks everybody for chipping in your ideas, they are proving helpful.

Craig

Craig,

I think it's a challenge for some people to learn how to give....especially when we were perhaps never taught this behavior during our growing up years. The beauty of life is that we can make the choice and effort to put an end to this cycle of "arrested development".

So what if your son sees you shed tears of joy. It's real. It's human...and they're normal emotions. Just don't do it too often...or he'll start thinking that Dad's a wuss. By the way...women will always appreciate sensitivity and honesty. (Your wife will undoubtedly appreciate your kind words.) Save the compliments for her...she's more important.

Why is it so difficult to give praise, real, truthful praise?
The compliments over bikes or beauty of a friend are on a whole different level in relation to compliments to kiddies and our wives.
There's a kinda' onus to use different words to express this difference in intensity - but language lags behind - which is why art displaces 'linear words', and poetry and image are better here - as these art forms tremendously increase the dimensionality of communication.
Think of it this way though -- because it's a real positive characteristic -- :-) ... would you rather use the word 'nice' to describe an i-pod, friend, newborn baby and wife ... in the same sentence,
... or agonize over words which substitute, and which accurately convey your meaning :-)

SB.

This difference and increase in richness or colour to our world view, as expressed by behaviour in which we express the inadequacy of extant linguistic models - is a very real sign of change in man.

As I've matured, the compliments have been easier to accept...although it's still an uneasy acceptance on my part. Conversely, any negative comments or criticism still have the ability to hit me hard...no matter how well intended. My sensitivity level is a bit extreme in that I still hear the echos of negative childhood tapes in my head... and can do a terrific job of mentally beating myself up.
I think I have trouble accepting compliments because I know the truth. Yeah, I did a good job, but what you don't know is I goofed off until the last minute and slapped it together.

On the other hand, negative feedback doesn't really affect me, because I "own" my deficiencies. I'm upfront about them, and that takes away the bite. Negative feedback about things that aren't deficiencies doesn't affect me either -- I know there are lots of things wrong with me, but that isn't one of them.

On the third hand, though, I am the kung fu master at beating myself up. Knowing about ADD hasn't really changed that, either.

I LOVE being praised but I HATE people giving me prasie. If that makes sense. I am not good at responding to people when they praise me. But I crave it. And critism, WOW, I have a horrible memory but ever y bad thing that anyone has ever said to me burns into my memory and I can fret over it for years. I still think about critism that I was given over 10 years ago. I know that's awful.

I think someone said something about not being able to give praise also. Yah I definitly have that problem. I think alot of it is because I have a very high standard for others as I do for myself. Even if they do a great job on something there is always something that doesn't make it perfect, so they don't deserve it. But either way even if it is deserved I have a hard time with it.

Cara

Ugh... I like being praised, but I never take it seriously. Most of the time I have to be told I did something well over and over again, just for it to begin to sink in.