My wife (non-ADD) and I (recently diagnosed/medicated ADDer) are facing an increasing crisis in our marriage. We are mid-30's, been married over 7 years, with two fantastic kids (4 & 2). She is now at a point where "divorce" and "I cannot take this anymore" are becoming more frequent outbursts at me, largely due to my ADD "habits". I refuse to allow this marriage to fail, so I've been seeing a psych for my ADD and for meds, and we both have been seeing a marital counselor to work through this. The engagement with the doctor/counselor only happened due to my wife's pushing and adamant stance that "I need to get fixed" and "our marriage is in deep trouble".

Problem #1 is that I have yet to find a decent doctor who knows more about treating ADD than I do (from what I've learned through self-directed research). It's typically a "how are things going? how are the meds" type of visit. Same for the marriage counselor. Not much direction from her. We live in a small city, so the list of qualified doctors/counselors is very limited.

Problem #2 is me. No matter how strong my will/intent are, I cannot seem to break out of these same mistakes or causing the same problems for her. Due to a number of family health (terminally ill father) and career issues (unhappy/bored/frustrated) I'm facing, I seem to be more depressed, self-involved, unmotivated, and procrastinating than ever before. Sometime it seems like everything is ok (like last night) until I get her call at work this morning exploding at me because I forgot to mail out something important for my ill father (translated: "you don't love anyone but yourself. If you did, you wouldn't have forgotten") and I also wanted to put off wrapping some kids' presents last night (new Ritalin meds make me dog tired by nighttime) until tonight (my procrastination=fuel to the fire).

My wife has yelled, screamed, threatened, name-called, berated, and practically verbally abused me over the past 2 years. My wife is usually a very kind, compassionate person, empathetic person, and I refuse to be a "victim" to this stupid ADD. But, I am driving her nucking futs to the point where she's at her wit's end. I can totally understand and sympathize with her. It's the usual "I've asked you 1,000 times NOT to do this, or TO do that"; or "I cannot raise a 3rd child in this household!"; " I cannot do everything around here (Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, making meals, tending to the kids, etc.)"; "If you only loved me you would do ________, or NOT do _______...". The list goes on.

Any advice or ideas from those ADD/non-ADD couples who've been down this road. My wife and I are both smart, educated people who just cannot seem to solve this problem between us. I know it's mostly me (my ADD), but I seem to keep banging my foggy, distracted ADD head into this same brick wall. I used to value my ADD-fueled unique, creative, sense-of-humor, quirky, INTP-type approach to life. Now it's seems like it will be the death of my marriage, which is almost the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and especially my kids.

Help.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I wish I could give you advice, but in fact I think you're more in a position to give me advice. My boyfriend and I sound a lot like you and your wife. He has serious ADHD, and I don't. While I definitely do sympathize with your wife - sometimes my boyfriend's chronic forgetfulness and other ADD-related quirks drive me up the wall too - I think she should be more supportive of you, considering the difficulties you're facing right now with regard to work and family issues.

Maybe it would help to sit down and have a talk with your wife. Tell her about the agony you're going through as a result of the marriage issues, job issues, family issues. Tell her there's a lot of stress on you, and - regardless of what she might think - you really are trying to help, and you really do care. My boyfriend really underestimates the power of talking... there are so many situations that could have been avoided if he'd just spoken up and told me he cared. I don't know if you're as "clammed up" as he is, but if you are, just make an effort to talk to your wife... sincerely.

If that doesn't work, take a vacation together! Getting away from it all always helps. =) I hope things work out... keep us posted!

Hoodooguru: Sounds like a tough situation, all right.

One thing that may help is to work on improving one thing at a time, and working in "baby steps."

If your wife has been putting up with your behaviors for a long time, she might well be "why aren't you fixed yet?" What non-ADDers tend not to realize, though, is that if it were that easy to fix, we would have done so long ago.

So if you can try to convince her that you need to work on one thing at a time, pick something that is important to her, and get her on board in helping you fix it, I think it will have a better chance of working.

And it might improve her negative attitude. It would also be great if you could convince her that her negative attitude is making things worse, not better. :)

Thanks for all the replies and PMs. I appreciate the support.

This has been very tough because I have tried most of the advice offered. For example, she used to get really mad because I'd forget to clean up everything after dinner (the deal: she cooks, I clean up). Now, I try really hard to ensure all the dishes/counters/table are clean every night after dinner. There are the random occasions where I overlook something (usually due to another distraction), and that can sometimes set off the 40 megaton bomb of "You moron! Even your 4 yr old can remember to clean up that XXX (dish, placemat, etc.)!"

My cleanup routine hasn't been as bad lately, but it's always something else if not the post-dinner cleanup. This is one of those "baby steps" that I feel I've been doing pretty well at, but it seems to get totally discounted in the grand scheme of everything else I seem to phuck up. We've also tried the "talk everything through" routine, and that does help some. Problem again is, I seem to do ok for awhile, but then something happens to set everything back (1 step forward, 2 steps back). She has memorized an entire 8 year history of my screw-ups, and will readily throw them back at me when I mess up-- essentially trying to reinforce her point that I'm "not trying hard enough" or "stop talking about it, and do something about it".

Yet, the positive things I've done don't seem to count when viewing everything in balance. To me (the ADDer), remembering to do something "the right way" (her way) 95% of the time is almost like running a marathon holding my breath. But the 5% occasional screw-up ends up being the blow-up of "why can't you remember to do this the right (my) way!!!". Of course, I counter with "I've tried to do it right most of the time" but that only p1sses her off that I'm being argumentative (which I can be-- it seems to be in my nature to debate).

Not sure what to try next from here. I guess I have to find another marriage counselor somehow, because she's already said she's not impressed with the first one we've been seeing, and I have to agree with her.

Any other ADD/non-ADD couples out there who've dealt with this?

How about guiding her to the Non-ADDER support group on this website? There's nothing like sharing you're experiences with someone who understands.

OK - your situation reminds me of my first marriage so I can empathize with you. I -like you- lived with someone who was fed up with my ways and my issues. A day did not go by when I did not do something wrong which led to blow up after blow up. I - like you - deprecated myself - took all the blame - felt like a failure - blamed myself - all of those things. I tried everything I could to "please" her. One day I woke up and relaized I would never be able to please her and "our" life was doing more harm to our kids than good. Kids interact with one another and others the way they see their parents relate to one another. I see that now - as I watch my kids treat each other the same way my ex and I treated each other. Now - that being said - I am not advocating giving up on a marriage - what's right for one person - may not be right for another. But I do have some advice -

Go back out to the board and read the sticky about Abuse - for MEN. Once I was on my own and most especially once I met my current wife - I realized that I did everything that I could and that in reality - I was the one who was abused. When I read that sticky - it was just confirmed. My wife now gets a little frustrated at times - but she values me as who I am and since I have been with her - my creativity has surfaced. I am doing things that I would have never even attempted to do before. Again - I am not saying give up on your marriage - but I do think you need to find someone - a psychologist, coach, clergyman - who you can talk to about these things and find ways to diffuse the situation.

Best of luck!

Alot of your post rings familiar as far as arguments over forgetting things go. However when I get to this part:

My wife has yelled, screamed, threatened, name-called, berated, and practically verbally abused me over the past 2 years.
That sends up warning flags. In the book 'Delivered from Distraction' it describes how ADHDers often get into relationships that are unhealthy for them. If she wants to see progress in you treating your ADHD, she needs to be more supportive. That approach is counterproductive.

My wife has yelled, screamed, threatened, name-called, berated, and practically verbally abused me over the past 2 years. My wife is usually a very kind, compassionate person, empathetic person, and I refuse to be a "victim" to this stupid ADD. But, I am driving her nucking futs to the point where she's at her wit's end. I can totally understand and sympathize with her. It's the usual "I've asked you 1,000 times NOT to do this, or TO do that"; or "I cannot raise a 3rd child in this household!"; " I cannot do everything around here (Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, making meals, tending to the kids, etc.)"; "If you only loved me you would do ________, or NOT do _______...". The list goes on.So sorry you are experiencing this abuse. Does the marriage therapist know this is happening? If not, bring it up during the next visit. ADHD or not, no one should have to endure this type of behavior. You are not a victim of ADHD, but seem to be a victim of verbal and emotional abuse. She has a right to feel angry, but not a right to belittle or put you down. Is your wife overly sarcastic towards you or your kids, as well?

Due to a number of family health (terminally ill father) and career issues (unhappy/bored/frustrated) I'm facing, I seem to be more depressed, self-involved, unmotivated, and procrastinating than ever before.Sorry to hear about your father and your career situation, but this isn't the only thing your facing that's making you depressed. Your getting a double dose at home. I bet you don't feel safe at home? Not the physically safe feeling, but more of a comfortable safe. Do you feel like you could be verbally or emotionally attacked at anytime? Do you feel like you have to constantly defend yourself? Read the threat that "addintn" recommended. This may help open your eyes a little. How To Spot An Abuser - For Men (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15338)

Each of you are only responsible for 50% of the marriage. You can not control her and she can not control you. Both of you are in this together and both of you are going to have to change to make it work. The downward relationship spiral is so subtle and then BAM! You take inventory and wonder how things got the way they are.

Hold in there and focus on working on yourself. Learn how to correctly respond to your wife's comments.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

I greatly admire you for taking responsibility for your behavior. BUT... like the other posters, I have to wonder at what point your wife is going to do her part to change her attitude and I wonder how much abuse you take.

Marriage is a partnership. It's teamwork. If one part of the team is crippled in an area, the other part of the team needs to take over that area. I think it's fine for her to put her foot down when it comes to allowing you to procrastinate and such, but if there was an important piece of mail to go out, she should have mailed it herself. You both know memory is a weakness for you, right? My DH has a difficult time managing bills, so I do it. Now, it's a bit of a problem for me; I forget to pay stuff and think I've put something in the mail that I haven't. But, he's worse, so it's my job.

My advice:
1) Find out just how serious SHE is about saving this marriage.
2) Sit down and have a heart-to-heart. I'm not talking about a talk-it-all-out session where you each complain. I'm talking about making lists of specific chores and household functions that are problematic for you both. Get her to read up on ADHD. Introduce her to this forum for support. Talk about the issues you guys deal with on a daily basis, and FORMULATE A PLAN to deal with them. Make sure that, if one of you forgets something important, there's a back-up "safety net" deployed by the other to insure that it gets done.
3) She NEEDS to completely shift her outlook right now. She's been so "bugged" for so long that she's now just reacting to EVERYTHING. Without a complete 180 in attitude on her part, nothing will change. She'll continue to get mad at you for even the littlest things.
4) If all else fails, let her go. If she's stuck around this long, it could only be for one of two reasons. Either she enjoys abusing you (and you allow it), or she really does want the marriage to work. If she wants it to work, she'll do her part.

While one person can ruin a good marriage, it takes two to make it work. You seem to be doing your best to correct your part. She's got to meet you half way.

Dude, I haven't any useful advice to give, but I know what you are going through (except for the part about your father--sorry.) My wife, even though she is also ADD, does the exact same thing. Well, there's less screaming, but I hear the same rants about how, if I cared, I would yada, yada, yada. We've been married 21 years, and she has had enough. What fascinates me is that her imperfections are just how she is, but mine are a deliberate attempt to be lazy, selfish, and generally no-account. I, too, would like to find a therapist/MD who knows something about adult ADD in this town, but I haven't yet. Meanwhile, my attempts to improve are viewed with skepticism at best.

I opened the relationship forum to start a post on this very topic. I am on my 2nd marriage, and must drive the women in my life crazy. It's on a 10 yr cycle. 1st one gone at 10 yrs flat. 2nd one 'can't take it anymore'. Problems started a few years back at 10 yrs. Still married, but there are many troubling signs. Counsellor suggested the serenity prayer for her. Post edited by ADMIN. Please review the forum guidelines regarding religious content.

This helps sometimes, but from my point of view, some people are just looking for a reason to be offended. Despite 95%+ success with job, kids, house, finances, etc... only the poor 5% is ever acknowledged - loudly and often. Maybe it's my ADD, but I can't even notice her faults (and would not dream of comment). She's also got the memory of a 1 gig hard drive. Most troubling to me is her ability to send me into a rage by assuming that I have done something wrong, when I have not. I failed to shovel an overnight snow a few weeks back because I absolutely HAD to be at work early the next morning. This turned into a two day battle because I must not care about her feelings enough to get it done before work. Arghhhh. I recently told her she had lost permission to speak with me about my faults without first knowing all the facts. My brain is mush... Best to you.

jim

Most troubling to me is her ability to send me into a rage by assuming that I have done something wrong, when I have not. I failed to shovel an overnight snow a few weeks back because I absolutely HAD to be at work early the next morning. This turned into a two day battle because I must not care about her feelings enough to get it done before work. Arghhhh. I recently told her she had lost permission to speak with me about my faults without first knowing all the facts. My brain is mush... Best to you.

jim
Not to sound snotty, but she has two legs, two arms and knows where the shovel is kept.:mad: That was really unfair of her to play the "care about her feelings" card for something as trivial as snow removal. I bet it's something way deep than shoveling the walk.

Hang in there and Happpy Holidays to you.:)

Well, I've read through the whole thread and now I feel that my marriage is never going to make it. I can totally relate to the rages that a non ADHD partner can express. I've lived it all of my 21 year marriage. I just recently discovered that I have ADHD, and have been doing all I can do to to learn about the short comings that I've denied and start contibuting to the marriage in a positive way. My wife told me today in no uncertain terms, that she was jipped when she got me.:(

My wife told me today in no uncertain terms, that she was jipped when she got me.:(

Nice. :mad:

I am in a somewhat similar situation myself, though not as extreme. In fact my wife seems almost supportive by comparison. My diagnosis and education of my ADD started about 6 months ago at 45 years old. I've found that when my wife gets mad at me for forgetting or not completing something, that I'm even more sensitive to the criticism than I was before I knew of my ADD. I think it's because I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but do anyway. But now I seem to direct some of my anger back her way, maybe to defy the "authority figure" I see her as. How dare you try to beat on me, I understand where your coming from.

This is probably not the best course of action for me to take but it makes me feel better than totally buckling, and sulking off to a corner to lick my wounds. I think I need to find a more effective way to owe up to my faults, and yet not let it burn in me, and find a way to work it out.

My wife has yelled, screamed, threatened, name-called, berated, and practically verbally abused me over the past 2 years. My wife is usually a very kind, compassionate person, empathetic person, and I refuse to be a "victim" to this stupid ADD. But, I am driving her nucking futs to the point where she's at her wit's end. I can totally understand and sympathize with her. It's the usual "I've asked you 1,000 times NOT to do this, or TO do that"; or "I cannot raise a 3rd child in this household!"; " I cannot do everything around here (Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, making meals, tending to the kids, etc.)"; "If you only loved me you would do ________, or NOT do _______...". The list goes on.
I'm going through some tough times myself right now. Probably going to write a post myself explaining it after I finish this; I've tried talking over it with my psychiatrist, but he's just giving me relationship advice of the really general sort that isn't too helpful in this specific situation.

First, however, to your problems. Above, you list a whole bunch of things, and say she's practically verbally abused you. Hate to say it, but she has been verbally abusing you. There's no excuse for threatening or name-calling, ever. And yelling, while it'll happen, should be apologized for; it's never deserved.

I also note a lot of blaming. You are driving her nuts. Things you have or haven't done. That you are childish. And so on.

This is all abusive, and not helpful in the least. She has to start taking ownership of her own feelings. If she's irritated by things you do or don't do, that's one thing, but it is her that is getting irritated, not you making her irritated.

It's a small difference, but it makes all the difference in the world. She's probably not even aware she's doing it. I know, because my wife is doing similar things. Not so much with the screaming and name-calling, but the blaming, definitely.

I'm sorry that I can't provide a solution, but I'm having trouble finding my way out of my own well. But knowing what the problems are are the first step, and from what you're saying, your wife is being verbally abusive. Don't blame her for it, and don't tell her she is, but when she calls you a name, ask her not to call you names, because it hurts your feelings. Repeat for everything else above. She'll either step into obviously hateful and abusive comments like "I'm calling you an idiot because you are one!", or she may see what she's doing, for once.

It sounds to me like there is something more bothering your wife/going on in your marriage. Your wife seems to hold a great deal of anger towards you that may or may not have anything to do with ADD. I used to deal with my husband in a similar fashion (but I hope not to this extent) and I realized it wasn't necessarily him I was always mad at but it was myself ( I just took it out on him because it was easier to blame someone else). I was unhappy with what was happening in my life and was taking it out on my family. I decided that the only way things would change is if I started working on fixing the things I had control over and could change. It hasn't happened overnight but little by little I am changing my life for the better.

If it were me, I would block out some time when we could talk and try to find out the real reason for all the hostility. Good luck.

Hoodoo: Your wife has got to get educated or you'all can't possibly have a good marriage. She's obviously on a tear right now -- would it be possible for her to visit a friend or you visit a friend for a while -- with the understanding that if she cares about the marriage, she will do her best to read the books, get on the boards, etc.? I would think you need to have a break, to stop the cycle of blaming, etc. There's still so much misinformation about ADD out there -- I heard from an educated person last week that people outgrow ADD! You'all have a lot to deal with. And she may not have a clue what it's all about. ADD does look like you're "doing" it to your wife -- and it's hard not to be hurt, offended and angry. My DH was in a 20 year marriage -- two years after his divorce, he started going with me and got diagnosed. I feel so bad for his former wife, who feels cheated, like he wasn't a good father, etc. etc. and he feels guilty. It would be wonderful if you two could work it out so she could understand what you're going through and not have to get divorced and go through all that bitterness.

Thanks for all the replies and feedback. I have to say that I think things are getting better, as my ADD books have finally arrived and we're reading about this together-- a very good thing.

And in her defense (and maybe at the expense of my embellishment), I'd have to say that her verbal anger is a problem but not one that is causing utter grief in our household. I have asked her to think about managing & controlling her anger, and she seems to agree that it can be an issue (inherited from her mother no doubt).

As for now, we're at the stage where we're starting to joke around about this "ADD thing" now that we know the problems it causes (from my forgetfulness, lack of focus, creativity, unfinished novels, procrastination, etc.). Hopefully, some of these books can provide some solutions to manage this, as I have NOT found adequate psychiatric care that has strong experience in this.

BTW- latest joke I heard from my wife, as originally told by a 15 yr old:

"How many ADDers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

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"Um, Mom? I'm hungry..."

;)