Well this is kind of sudden and unexpected. After an 8-year hiatus I've finally met someone and am in the first stages of dating again. (Huh? Did I just type that? Surreal.) I'm I'm having a blast so far but given my track record I'm wondering when my 'issues' will start getting the better of me.

So ladies, this socially inept ADD guy needs some advice if I can impose on you for a minute :)

Here's the situation. Christmas is the main complication here. We've been out three times so far in the past week. I was originally planning on driving out of state this morning to stay with family for Christmas, but there is a function at church on Friday that she is planning on attending.

So here's the deal. I've changed my plans and stayed here for a couple more days debating on whether or not to go to this Christmas function at church that she's wanting to go to. I wasn't originally planning to go since I had long been planning on going out of state today. I sent her an email letting her know I'm staying. But that would make four 'dates' in a week. Too much? We are already planning on taking a day trip the week after Christmas - I'll have to drive two hours each way to pick her up. So it's not like we left the relationship 'hanging' over Christmas.

Would a phone call be going overboard? Wait for her to call? Times have changed but there are still a lot of women who are 'old fashioned' and want the guy to make the first calls. Don't want to cross the line of being annoying or 'clingy' but also don't want to seem like I'm not interested (which I am).

Our relationship is in its infancy and I know these next few weeks will be critical. Just trying not to screw it up :)

Hi there!

I'm glad you're enjoyng the start of this new relationship--one question--has she asked you to stay Friday? If she hasn't, it might be a bit clingy to offer to change all your X-mas plans after only knowing her for a week. Otherwise, do what you feel like doing--if she asked you to stay, then go for it (as long as it really doesn't distrupt your previous plans).

About the calling--most peole like getting the calls--so call!!!! Wth one exception--have you guys been calling a lot this week? Has she stayed on the phone for a long time, or does she have other things to do while you're talking? If it's the latter, I'd hold off on calling, otherwise please please do call--girls like getting the calls and not having to do that part :-)

Best wishes!

Happy Holidays Kansas. How was your weekend? We like updates around here. ;)

Merry Christmas !

I want you to know that I admire Your Courage & Strength, as should you.....and don't forget how much work you have put into Growing & Healing past hurts over the past 8 yrs. In my opinion these are some of the things necessary in order to get back into the Dating Scene. Be Proud of Youself, others may not know how far you have come......but you do. And irregardless of where this first time in 8 yrs leads, please, please don't lose sight of that.

I know this is too late for the Friday thing at church. But for future reference I will echo what happycat has said. If she asked it's one thing, if she didn't it's another. As you get to know her or even if it's someone else....there will come a point when you are asked to do things, be involved with, ect what it is that she & likes & enjoys. Depending on the Lady.....she may not want to "ask" out right......but you will know by the way she talks about things. For example she may ask if you would have enjoyed a movie, play, concert or just a quite evening in watching a TV Special.....she may not say it in a direct way. But you will know by her tone of voice & the expression on her face & the look in her eyes what she means.

Chel is right, we like updates around here. So please let us know how things are going.
BlessedLady

Merry Christmas !

If she asked it's one thing, if she didn't it's another. As you get to know her or even if it's someone else....there will come a point when you are asked to do things, be involved with, ect what it is that she & likes & enjoys. Depending on the Lady.....she may not want to "ask" out right......but you will know by the way she talks about things. For example she may ask if you would have enjoyed a movie, play, concert or just a quite evening in watching a TV Special.....she may not say it in a direct way. But you will know by her tone of voice & the expression on her face & the look in her eyes what she means.[/color][/font][/i]


Congrats, brother, on getting back into the fray! However, not to discourage you, but what BL said above is the biggest problem for us guys with ADD--social cluelessness. You really, REALLY need to pay attention to the non-explicit clues she gives, because this is how you will understand what she is really saying. This is the biggest problem I have. I figure out eventually what she means, but by the time it happens, it's too late. Guard against this. Ask specific questions--don't assume you know what she meant, 'coz them feemales is tricky devils!! :D

Good luck!

(This is Kansas2005 here with a new username. I changed my email addy in my profile, but something on my email hiccuped and I got locked out of my old account. So, I had to sign on with a new ID.)

Anyway - I wanted to thank those on here who offered suggestions. I'm not the type of guy who feels comfortable talking about personal relationship details, even with close friends, but since we're all anonymous here it's all good. The chance for me to learn something outwieghs my apprehensions. Alright. So the good news is that I think ADD, for the most part, stayed out of this whole thing, and by pure grace I think I didn't do too bad with this one - in other words, no major screwups that I will cringe about when remembering later. That's definately a blessing and an answer to prayer.

The bad news is that I think this one is fading into the twilight. But on a fairly good note. During the past few weeks, my person of interest has become closer to me as a friend, but has clearly become disinterested in anything more. This realization comes at the same time that I am finding that we really aren't the type for each other - and that I'm also losing enthusiasm for the possibility. First, she is definately not sending any positive signals in the way of romantic interest and is not responding to any of my own signals. She keeps her distance, isn't making any effort to reach out to me, and doesn't act overly enthused to see me (for example, the last time we met, she was talking on her cell phone and didn't hang up until 10 minutes after I arrived). Secondly, the more I converse with her the more I'm discovering that our values, interests, personalities and theology are not very compatible. These were things I was willing to overlook at first, but I think they are red flags too big to ignore now. Lastly and maybe most importantly, there is just not much chemistry between us. She is a very attractive young woman but something is just not 'clicking' deep down in my heart, like it did with the women I've truly fallen in love with in the past. I've tried to pray that 'the feeling' would show up eventually (not only with me but with both of us) but it just hasn't up to this point.

She is a good friend, returning phone calls, enjoying my company and willing to keep spending time together. In no way is she acting like she wants me to leave her alone or stop calling. In fact it is hard to end a conversation or leave her house because she's always wanting to show me something or tell me something more. And I will definately keep her in my current circle of friends. She's fun to be around and is one of the few women who at least tolerates my presence. She even commented that I was a great listener, how about that for an ADD guy? We never reached the stage of any sort of committment or intimacy, so we're basically free to move on. Which is what is making this so much easier to take for me.

I'm not too upset right now, but I'm sure I'm going to have my ups and downs about her for a while. And of course I'm going to keep having those single guy blues every time I see a happy couple on the street or hear my married friends talk about having their first child. But the biggest thing that I'm taking away from all of this is that my long walk in the desert is over. I feel like I've broken out of the shell I've been in for 8 years and am ready to get back in the game - with some real hope to back me up this time.

This last post is very encouraging. Here's what I see that I think is EXTREMELY healthy:

1 -- You are not so attached that you can't see the "imperfections" in this relationship. A lot of people start rationalizing at this point, telling themselves that the differences aren't important.

2 -- You're happy with this friendship and want to take advantage of it w/o demanding more.

3 -- You are not afraid to jump into another relationship.

I'm wondering if you've recently experienced a big change in your life, either new treatments or a large shift in your psychological perspective?

The reason I ask is that I believe a lot of women experience something in their mid to late 20s that is a kind of psychological maturing; their sense of self-value goes through a transformation. It has a huge effect on our abilities to find and maintain healthy romantic relationships.

Whatever the change, it sounds like the relationships you have in the future will be healthy. I would suggest you relax and not think so hard about every step you take. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and be honest and up-front about your feelings. When you walk on eggs, you're bound to break some, but if you're up-front you never need to worry about what they are thinking because they will probably be up-front with you, too.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I was just touched by your story and wish you the best.

I'm wondering if you've recently experienced a big change in your life, either new treatments or a large shift in your psychological perspective?.Barbyma, thanks for the encouraging words. To answer your question I haven't had any of those types of events or changes happen. We didn't see each other over Christmas/New Years as we had originally planned. I started having my initial doubts about everything on that Friday before I left town and decided not to push the previously talked about post-Christmas date. Initially I was having a hard time with the appearance of things not going anywhere. Had I posted something around Christmas, I might have sounded a lot more depressed than I did this week. But I had a long time to think about things during my trip home which helped me sort through how I felt, and see the reality of the situation.

You are right, I have definately learned to relax about things which is already a big relief as far as the future goes. I guess the main thing about breaking the 'streak' is that it proves that it's not impossible for me to meet someone, go out on a few dates, actually have a good time, and not be totally rejected right off the bat. It makes me feel like maybe there is a chance for me. That's something that logic (and all of my friends) always have told me, but past experience has led me to falsely believe otherwise. This confidence is something I've always known to be vital to relationships, but it's not something you can flip a switch and conjure up. Thanks to this I think I have a lot of my confidence back.

I guess in a way, come to think of it, 'breaking my streak' may be in itself the major event that you're referring to in your original question. It's like the Red Sox winning the World Series - they found out that there is no such thing as the Curse and things can actually happen for them. It's a victory that is affecting me, and my perspective, in no small way. In fact, my best friend and I are going to go out for a steak dinner to celebrate it!