Hi guys,

I've been with my bf for a long time and I still can't relax around him, meaning that I still always have to look at what I say and how I say it. It can be very exhausting and all my nonADD friends say that it's not good for me, that in a REAL relationship I will be able to relax and just be myself.
They don't understand that I don't yet know who i am. I am still trying to figure it out and I change all the time. depending on my mood I can want different things. I don't always know if the way i am reacting now is going to be the same tomorrow so i often have to let go of things and se ehow i feel of them the next day. So there's a lot of letting go happening even though most of the time I forget about them the next day but once again other people tell me that it's wrong. I don't really listen to them because I feel that rules that apply to them don't apply to me and I just wanted to hear from people who are going through a similar thing what they think :) please answer!!!!!!!!
And Happy New Year!

Immorality;
Just relax and have fun. You are going to figure it out wether you relax or not, so just be contant that you have found someone who wants to be with you.

ME :D

Immorality;
Freudian slip much? That's a doozy of one. :D

As to the original question; what your friends are probably trying to tell you is that in a relationship that's "good", you will be relaxed. The tension is telling you you're not sure how your BF will react to your inconsistency. If you're open to him about why you're inconsistent, though, that might work out wonderfully in the long run. If he accepts you as your inconsistent self, then all is good. If he desperately needs a consistent gal, then you too are going to have rough times, because you're not consistent right now. Not saying it won't work out, but it will get rough. But at least, if you let him know what's going through your head, you won't be concealing part of yourself from him. And I know full well how much that can hurt, to find out a loved one has been concealing even relatively innocuous stuff from you. It's the concealing that hurts, rather than what's concealed. I won't jack your thread discussing my problems, since it's your thread, but I'm speaking from personal experience on the other end, as a guy who's had his gal reveal things she's been hiding that might not have been an issue had she been up front and willing to discuss and work things out beforehand.

There's nothing wrong with being inconsistent and having the attention of a gnat. Just with pretending to be different than you are. Either he'll love you for who you actually are, or you'll feel a need to keep pretending, and this will start to chafe and increase the tension until there's a messy blowup. And if he doesn't love you for your inconsistent self, do you really want to stay with him? It's better to find someone who does love you for you, than stay with someone who loves you for who you pretend to be.

I have to disagree with Alex.

If you are constantly on guard, you don't trust him. What I mean by this is that you are insecure about how he feels about you.

I believe that insecurity of one or both partners is the most common and the most damaging problem in relationships.

You may not know "who you are" at the moment, but to be comfortable with him, you have to be comfortable with yourself. So what if you don't know what you want all the time? Does it make you any less valuable?

My advice: Give yourself a break and give him the benefit of the doubt. Just because he doesn't walk around telling you constantly that he's happy, doesn't mean he isn't.

Just believe that he cares and likes you for your who you are (or loves you if you're at that point) unless he gives you some rational reason to think otherwise. If that ever happens, ASK. And I don't mean whine to him about how he never tells you what he's thinking. I mean say something like this, "I'm feeling a little insecure right now and I just need some reassurance that you're still committed to this relationship."

Now, if there's some reason you can't talk to him about stuff, that's a whole different ball game.

I don't always know if the way i am reacting now is going to be the same tomorrow so i often have to let go of things and se ehow i feel of them the next day.


And, by the way, there is NOTHING wrong with temperance. Thinking things out before reacting, especially when you know you tend to over-react initially, is always wise.

If it turns out you forget about it the next day, then I guess it wasn't really worth a big blow-out. If something is truly an issue, it won't just go away.

Your friends are just looking out for your welfare, but letting go of the little things will actually make life easier. You just need to address this tension issue, because that will kill you.

I have to disagree with Alex.
I don't see what you're disagreeing with, your advice is pretty similar to mine. Be honest and open. That's the only way trust will be created, which is what will lead to less insecurity.

I was suggesting she get comfortable with herself so she's not trying to make excuses for who she is, or pretending she's someone she's not. That seems to be pretty much the same, or at least not inconsistent with, your own advice.

I don't see what you're disagreeing with, your advice is pretty similar to mine. Be honest and open. That's the only way trust will be created, which is what will lead to less insecurity.

I was suggesting she get comfortable with herself so she's not trying to make excuses for who she is, or pretending she's someone she's not. That seems to be pretty much the same, or at least not inconsistent with, your own advice.
I don't disagree with your advice to be open and honest, or actually with anything you said. So, I should rephrase that statement; it's not that I disagree.

What I meant was that I don't think her openness is the root of the problem; it's just another symptom.

The trust that I think is missing is inside her, not in the relationship itself. Being comfortable w/herself, as you are suggesting, is the first necessary step.

Sorry I wasn't more clear. I was pretty tired last night!!

Immortality,
My general message is that the old addage of needing to love yourself before you can love someone else holds true as corny as it sounds. If you are comfortable w/yourself, it'll be easier for you to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Conflict in relationships almost always stems from insecurity.

Good luck!

Hey darlin.
I'm not going through the same thing right now, but I know my choice in men or women is very limited due to my ADHD and I just don't even go the first date with people I can't relax and be myself with.

Your non-ADD friends are right, it's NOT good for you to be with someone you CAN'T relax with and be yourself, have you spoken to your man about this? and even though you've stated you don't know what you want, have you thought of asking for advice of someone like a friend, mum or even a counsellor? I guess all I can say is if you you can't relax, be comfortable and be yourself in this relationship then you should really think of ending it...just my personal thought.

Take Care
Selena:)


Hi guys,


I've been with my bf for a long time and I still can't relax around him, meaning that I still always have to look at what I say and how I say it. It can be very exhausting and all my nonADD friends say that it's not good for me, that in a REAL relationship I will be able to relax and just be myself.
They don't understand that I don't yet know who i am. I am still trying to figure it out and I change all the time. depending on my mood I can want different things. I don't always know if the way i am reacting now is going to be the same tomorrow so i often have to let go of things and se ehow i feel of them the next day. So there's a lot of letting go happening even though most of the time I forget about them the next day but once again other people tell me that it's wrong. I don't really listen to them because I feel that rules that apply to them don't apply to me and I just wanted to hear from people who are going through a similar thing what they think :) please answer!!!!!!!!
And Happy New Year!

Did you say how old you are?

What are you on guard against? Disclosure? Embarassment? Shame? Revealing too much?

Emma

Thank you all for your wonderful responses, it made me think and i realized that I didn't word things properly. (it's difficult to give correct names to feelings sometimes). The feeling that i have is more of uncertanty. I still in the process of trying to understand who I am, and it's a wonderful discovery and it's a very impowering feeling to get to know who I am. But because he's in th emiddle all of my insecurities go through him. If i am ever unsure of somethign I tell him (and of course I can't stop telling him everything that's on my mind except for the serious stuff, it's just SO hard to start serious conversations). And because he doesn't know how to respond to an overwhelming amount of information he doesn't always act the way i want him to and then i get upset. But when I wake up I realize that it was nothing and i overreacted. But i already got upset at him and got him upset as well. So that's whe I realized that if i continue to be in that cycle it's not goign to be good for us. So now I try to say only what's important and I try to think about what i say (so that it comes out the way I want it to) and then if i am starting to react I try to give it a night and then think if it's still worth talking. So i guess i said on guard because I wanted to say that I am always thinking about what i have to say and it's tiring. so recently I found out that even I!!!!!!! can be quiet :) haha But even when i say all of this to my nonADD friends they still don't get it...and then i start feeling all bad about myself and insecurities from the past come out. hahaha but now that i wrote all of this down i think that it's just a normal process to go through..i hope it gets better with time.

Well, that's different....... nevermind.... ;) (for the Emily Latella fans)

Seriously...

You sound pretty healthy to me. Thinking before reacting is a GOOD thing.
You don't need to share every thought you have w/him. Find a friend that will listen even if they don't understand (a girlfriend, preferably) and spend your "chattiness" on them.

Good luck with it all. I'm sure you'll be just fine....

My suggestion is to take a break or at least slow down your relationship. You mentioned a few times that you don't know who you are yet. Thats the most important issue that you need to deal with. You're not going to be happy or able to relax if you're just going along with others because you don't have an identity of your own. It's great to hear that you are on the path to self-discovery it will make you a much stronger happier person in the long run.