Has anyone had so many relationships because of your ADD, and now you are afraid to have another, even though now you have spent significant time alone?
Does this even make sense?
I am at a point in my life now where I'm afraid to have a relationship since all previous ones have failed. I was diagnosed back in September and am 47.
Looking back, I now realize for the most part (but not all) that relationships had failed due to my ADD. After being with someone for awhile, I would actually get sick of them! And then I would look for someone else.
I am tired of being alone with my two little dogs and would love human companionship and human love. Tonight I sit alone at home on New Years.
I'm not looking for pity, although the above may sound that way.
I was just wondering if anyone else feels the same or is in the same situation.

I think that you will find that a lot of people on this forum share your sentiment. I know that I do.
I can't say that I am afraid of a relationship, but I am pretty cynical about the prospects for a working relationship with anyone, and often think along the lines of "oh no, not again..." when entering into a relationship.

It takes someone very patient and loving to love an ADDer, and most people just don't have the temperment to deal with my ADDish antics. This makes it hard for all concerned and it is a big issue for ADDers.

Nonetheless, people do enter into relationships and they make them work, so all is not lost. It just means that it is not as easy for me as it is for some people.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling that way.

Me :D

I think i know hwat you are going through even though it's a little different story. People usually love spending time with me because i am so different from most other poeple, i always smile and i am alway sso happy. So they want to get to know me more but I know that I can be different when I am alone iwht someone. I was diagnosed with ADHD in august so i am pretty new to this stuff so for the past few years I wasn't trying to act differently or even to try to. So a lot of people got intrested then got to know me and changed their mind (or I did) and after that I didn't watn to be with anybody. I knew that if they don't run away after a month I will after two :)
so yes i do believe that it's harder for us BUT i know it's possible..haha i am always an optimist!!!!

I've sometimes wondered at the role ADD plays in these difficulties.

Like Immortality, people seem to like spending time with me...maybe because it's a bit entertaining to see what I'll come up with next.

I've also found that, as time goes by, the prospect of a new relationship brings more fear than excitement or anticipation. I wonder what's going to go wrong with THIS one, and I think I feel just as bad about hurting someone as from being hurt. The longest 'relationships' are with men who are enigmatic....I guess I see it as a challenge to figure them out, so I don't lose interest as quickly. Of course, this type usually has no interest in letting anyone 'figure them out', and doesn't want to be that close to anyone....lose-lose.

One thing I have considered as this relates to ADD is how many of us tend to make social faux pas, to not pick up on social cues, and be too impulsive. If we are so inclined, when we are with other people we can observe and learn how people interact, and over time, learn to emulate acceptable behavior. And maybe people like us because we perhaps develop a homogenized socially acceptable personality, as a survival skill.

But when we are one-on-one in a relationship, there is no one to 'emulate', or get cues from about how to play our part in a relationship. We are left to follow our partner's lead...which is boring....or revert to our genuine selves. We need/want stimulation, and we either create it, or look for it, unable to tolerate 'boredom'. Or else we resort to creating intimacy solely through a physical relationship...which for me tends to backfire after awhile, because it cannot become the firm foundaton for a good relationship.

Oh heck..whateve the reason, yes I understand.

I've had many opportunities to have relationships with both men and women and I have a major fear that it'll end terribly, I also have a slight commitment phobia and when I do pursue someone they are not interested at all or lose interest because I'm too emotional, too friendly, too blunt or say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time to put them off, my longest relationship was for 12 months with a woman but that was casual and most of the time nothing goes beyond the first date or in some cases I never make it to the first date

Take the meyers briggs test and the ennegram test ,it will tell you loads about your personality type ,which you can use because you will say WOW -that is me ! this info is important because it will put into words your behavior and insight is the first step to changing anything

It helped me loads

hey, yeah, i've already taken the meyers-briggs, interesting stuff.

but then althought i would like to be in a relationship that may actually go somewhere, i become concerned cause so many have failed in the past. who doesn't get tired of being alone all the time??

but then to me it all gets too scary since so many relationships have failed and i start thinking, "why bother" to go through all that pain, stress, anxiety, etc etc etc all over again...

Take the ennegram test ,find out what you do

Yes M'am, I have and am experiencing that very thing. I am a repeat student in "Failed Relationships 101". Everything you guys have said here is true; folks are intrigued with us at first. They even still love us from afar though they can't live with us. I've been alone for six months now (a long time for me), and struggling mightily with not hooking up with yet another wrong person. I've put several good social outlets on my calendar--church (http://www.housebuiltonlove.com) a women's support group, Toastmasters. But they can't substitute for the love and companionship of a good, kind, decent, compassionate man....is that asking so much..lol?

Stay strong and find the support of other women. It will make a difference. But don't give up on love---I haven't.

Sandra

Sandi, you seem simiar to myself(well probably similar to most on this site)...tons of failed relationships for me(never married though)...I'm a male, btw. Since your looking for a strong, nice, caring man...well, I'm available! a problem is that I live in California and your in Florida...I would be willing to move there though... first have to know some stats about you, before we move in together and get married...K? read the other thread about 2 people in a relationship with Add...

Has anyone had so many relationships because of your ADD, and now you are afraid to have another, even though now you have spent significant time alone?
Yes! Yes! And, Yes!

Does this even make sense? To me it does!

I am at a point in my life now where I'm afraid to have a relationship since all previous ones have failed. I . . . am 47. I am at a point in my life where I can see clearly how Freaky-Nutty I was, and I am so doubtful that anyone (other than somebody dangerous for me) would enjoy and wish to spend time with me. Looking back I realize that I very, VERY easily go into an odd ramble mode that seems to have a life of its own. Especially when a conversation topic becomes really interesting to me. And THEN the way I choose to express myself seems to make lots of people turned off. Now some of you might suggest I change that part of myself - or monitor and moderate my expression - and I guess that I could do that. Hmmm. All of this awareness is new, VERY NEW to me - and I will be 40 soon.

I am tired of being alone with my two little dogs and would love human companionship and human love. . . . I was just wondering if anyone else feels the same or is in the same situation. If YOU didn't post this, I would have sooner or later!! The only difference is that instead of "two little dogs" - I would have written "two little sweetheart dumplin' daughters." Have you heard that Bruce Springsteen song off of his more recent stuff called "Human Touch"? That is one of my favorite songs because I can identify with a lot of the lyrics, especially:
"You might need somethin' to hold onto, when all the answers - they don't amount to much
Somebody that you can just talk to - and a little of that human touch, just a little of that human touch"
Ya - I could have written that song. Well, if I were a songwriter - that is.

Thanks for the topic, Mymind!

Sue<!-- / message -->

You would think that with so many people having virtually exactly the same troubles with ADD and relationships, that someone would have the answer...

ME :D

Been there, done that, tried to write a book on it.

Yeah, you'd think the whole problem of ADD relationships should be solved by now?! I don't think the "traditional" couples therapy works---think we need more drastic measures. For instance, each partner might carry a low voltage stun gun and administer a little jolt when the other says something offensive, or hurts one's feelings?

You think I'm kidding, don't you?:)

I can think of a former friend with undx'd ADD and possible bipolar who might have benefited from that approach.

Me :D

Yeah, you'd think the whole problem of ADD relationships should be solved by now?! I don't think the "traditional" couples therapy works---think we need more drastic measures. For instance, each partner might carry a low voltage stun gun and administer a little jolt when the other says something offensive, or hurts one's feelings?

You think I'm kidding, don't you?:)

....Especially when a conversation topic becomes really interesting to me. And THEN the way I choose to express myself seems to make lots of people turned off. Now some of you might suggest I change that part of myself - or monitor and moderate my expression - and I guess that I could do that. Hmmm. <!-- / message -->
Just how much can we change ourselves before we cease to be our 'authentic self'?

How healthy is it, really, to stifle our enthusiasm or self expression (as long as we aren't hurting someone in the process)?

Is it REALLY more important to have a relationship, when it means changing who you are and constantly being on guard, lest your true self slips out?



Just how much CAN we change, before we stop being ourselves??

One great thing that I've learned to do lately is just stop worrying about what people think of me and relax. You can't put on a performance to impress someone for long. I do my best to be sociable, friendly and attentive to ADD-like things that might be annoying to others - but I really don't think most others care all that much if I put on a 100% flawless social performance or not.

The past year or so I've been watching others closely to see if they do the same things I do. And you know what? A lot of them do! And guess what? I still like them!

I try to apply the 'Golden Rule' (do unto others, etc) *both* ways here. I don't expect someone to be flawless to be my friend, girlfriend, co-worker, etc. So, I expect to be given the same grace by others. If they expect a flawless performance from me and are going to base their decision to associate with me on that, then they are NOT worth my time and certainly not my anxiety and worry!

You've got to be aware that there are a lot of adults in this world still in high school. Be cool and only be seen with cool people. Us ADD people are usually not the 'cool' ones in this game. I have no problem anymore reaching out to the cool high-and-mightys, and sometimes they accept me - but if not, just move on. This world has billions of people in it, MOST don't have it all together anyway, and there are plenty that make good friends.

One revelation I've had regarding dating and relationships is that it is not just going to happen magically. The Hollywood movie fairy tale romance story is not going to happen to 99% of us. There is work involved. Getting outside the house and putting myself in places where things *can* happen. Even I'm surprised that it's actually starting to work.

So what if I didn't 'click' with the girl I went out with last month? I mean heck, these forums are evidence that there are plenty of women out there that are like me and just might understand me. Just got to get out there.

nice points Kansas2006!

This one's for Sloppity Sue...we are about same age and experienced the same exact darn "relationship thing"...amazing, ain't it!!?!?!? Anyway, here I go again, was sooooo bored and lonely out-of-my-mind on New Years, that I put myself on match.com. Don't ask me why I did it, knowing very well what the outcome will be once again....maybe I should just disappear from the website and forget the whole thing and stick to the dogs!! Hahahahhaaaa.....!!