I don't know how to end a friendship and let go of a person who uses my ADD as a means to "put me in my place"
My only long term boyfriend and I broke up over 2 years ago.
We currently live a block apart and I have tried my darnest to try and remain good friends with him.
We have many of the same interests. The only one we don't share is that I respect and care for my feelings and he doesn't.
When we were dating, and even more so now that we stopped dating, he would bring up my add in a very mocking, demeaning manner whenever I did anything wrong or whenever I did anything he didnt agree with.
I have asked him calmly on many occasions to not use my ADD as a weapon against me, nor as a way in which to control me by making me feel bad and inadequate.
His reply is always something along the lines of "Real friends tell the truth even if it hurts or Im reminding you of your defects for your own good"
When I say Im hurt by that he tells me Im too thin skinned and should grow up.
He then threatens to end our friendship if I show any upset by him mocking my ADD from time to time ?
What would you guys do ?
Its hard for me because he's been my longest running friend/ boyfriend and he used to be a lot cooler and more fun to be around.
I guess I remember how he used to be fondly or I hope he'll go back to being a nicer version of himself.
But he said something really cruel and kind of scary and now I just want to wash my hands of him and move far away (Actually I want to move home, about 100 miles from here)
He told me that he is so glad his current girlfriend doesn't have any sort of ADD and that if he had married me he wouldve had to beat me because my energy level and 'stupid' mistakes would've driven him insane.
Then he said he was half joking but didnt apologise.
I suppose Im being clueless to hang around a guy who won't honor my requests or care about my wishes to be treated kindly and not harshly.
:( :(
sigh

Darling.
I'd end this one-sided friendship with him very quickly if I was you!....this guy sounds like a real creep, he definitely sounds immature and insecure within himself...why else would he feel the need to put you down to make himself feel big??????

I feel you are trying far too hard to hang on to this person and you sound like you're one of these people who'll hang on to anyone for approval, love and support...I was like that too don't worry, darl I think this guy is the wrong person to seek that from and as I said before you need to end this friendship as it's toxic, I'd write him a long letter explaining why you're ending this friendship and how his insults, jokes and behaviour in general actually affects you and really put HIM in his place for a change, this guy sounds like he doesn't deserve a good friend like you.

I've been through similar situations with different people over the years, I've just recently stopped all contact with my mother due the very same thing your friend goes on with, I got tired of the never ending arguments, I got tired of defending myself, I got tired of explaining myself and my actions....I just got tired in general and now I feel much better and believe me you will too once you end this toxic friendship.

Good Luck and Take Care
Selena:) I don't know how to end a friendship and let go of a person who uses my ADD as a means to "put me in my place"
My only long term boyfriend and I broke up over 2 years ago.
We currently live a block apart and I have tried my darnest to try and remain good friends with him.
We have many of the same interests. The only one we don't share is that I respect and care for my feelings and he doesn't.
When we were dating, and even more so now that we stopped dating, he would bring up my add in a very mocking, demeaning manner whenever I did anything wrong or whenever I did anything he didnt agree with.
I have asked him calmly on many occasions to not use my ADD as a weapon against me, nor as a way in which to control me by making me feel bad and inadequate.
His reply is always something along the lines of "Real friends tell the truth even if it hurts or Im reminding you of your defects for your own good"
When I say Im hurt by that he tells me Im too thin skinned and should grow up.
He then threatens to end our friendship if I show any upset by him mocking my ADD from time to time ?
What would you guys do ?
Its hard for me because he's been my longest running friend/ boyfriend and he used to be a lot cooler and more fun to be around.
I guess I remember how he used to be fondly or I hope he'll go back to being a nicer version of himself.
But he said something really cruel and kind of scary and now I just want to wash my hands of him and move far away (Actually I want to move home, about 100 miles from here)
He told me that he is so glad his current girlfriend doesn't have any sort of ADD and that if he had married me he wouldve had to beat me because my energy level and 'stupid' mistakes would've driven him insane.
Then he said he was half joking but didnt apologise.
I suppose Im being clueless to hang around a guy who won't honor my requests or care about my wishes to be treated kindly and not harshly.
:( :(
sigh

If you've mentioned to this person more than once that the manner in which he is speaking to you is hurtful, and he has continued to speak to you this way, then in my book he's not a friend.

Friendship is a two way street. If my friend told me that something I was doing was causing him or her pain, even if it wasn't intentional on my part, I would be mortified. I would also try really hard to stop doing whatever was causing him/her pain.

Having things in common doesn't mean you have a healthy friendship. It's okay to be cordial or civil to someone, but not let it be anything more. You won't be a "bad" person for protecting your feelings, in my opinion.

Hang in there!

What it all comes down to is he has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't act and speak to you the way he does. The fact the you seem to hang on to him so hard shows that you don't think that highly of yourself.

I know that we all have issues with our self-esteem (me included). He is familiar and letting go of something/someone you have known so well is one of the hardest things in life to do. The first step to increase your own self-esteem is to decide what your needs are and how you can attain them and who's help (if anyones) do you need to do that.

PS. he keeps threatening to end your "friendship" because he knows you will always want to come back.

Hey Sleek,

The only difference in you is that you have feelings and he doesn't...I believe that's what you said?

Please, please, please, don't waste your time on any man who does not have, show, and share FEELINGS! As ADDer's we need feelings like we need air to breathe and water to drink:)

Men are very often charmed by us in the beginning (and vice versa), but pay very close attention to signs behaviors and comments that make fun of and demean your ADD attributes.

I don't know how old you are, but I didn't "get" this little tidbit of wisdom for a long time--and I STILL need to be reminded from time to time.

It's better to be alone for awhile (and not easy, I know), than to be with a jerk....


Sandra

You say your not sure how to end the "friendship" and he threatens to end the "friendship" all the time but from what you've written you two clearly aren't friends at all. Sounds like he's just using you to boost his ego and your running after him playing along.

Maybe there is more to the story but I don't see how this is even an issue. He treats you badly, tries to control you with threats and by erroding your self esteem. I didn't see you mention any good qualities that he has so it's obvious that you know that this is not a relationship you should be in. Be strong and think about yourself, don't worry about his feeling he is clearly not worried about yours and just end the relationship.

I don't know your current situation like how old you are if you have a job, a place of your own but my advice is if you are over 18 focus on nothing but yourself for a few years. It sounds like a self-esteem problem and the best way to fight that and the dependancy on other people is to learn how to do it alone for awhile. I'm a firm believer that everyone (especially women) should live on their own and support themselves for awhile so they don't wind up helpless and dependant on others to survive.

It sounds like a self-esteem problem and the best way to fight that and the dependancy on other people is to learn how to do it alone for awhile. I'm a firm believer that everyone (especially women) should live on their own and support themselves for awhile so they don't wind up helpless and dependant on others to survive.

Ditto

Girl, get rid o' da bum! He insults you, your feelings are hurt (justifiably so), and then he blames YOU for having hurt feelings. He's a controller and very likely a woman-beater by his own admission. Why would anyone who truly cares for another even think like that, let alone say it?! I think you will feel really good about yourself for standing up for yourself by just totally ignoring him from this point forward. He's a jerk and I'm sure you aren't the first or last woman he treats this way. I doubt he has any respect for anyone. He isn't worth the misery you're going through - you are a valuable person!

He's an insecure, passive-agressive ****, who did you a favor.

First of all, he (and people just like him) are "walking paradoxes (simultaneously arrogant & ignorant)."

If they knew anything about ADHD, then perhaps you (we) should pay heed to their remarks.

However, they don't know a damn thing.

Worst of all (for them); they're the ones who're too lazy to have looked up some of the six thousand + research articles, books, professional papers on ADHD.

Here's the ultimate STFU It's Real Reference:

The International Consensus 2002 journal article.

This is THE definitive ADHD is real research paper and is signed off on by over 80 ofthe world's leading scientist's.

It's available for viewing at www.russellbarkley.org

Ordinarily, I'd go out of my way to kick their dumb******.

However, it's more fun to hear that you did it later.:)

Welcome Sleek!

This is not a "friend". This is abusive.

This person is TOXIC, and you must get them out of your life.

With this disorder, we beat ourselves up enough. You do not need ridicule from your "friend" on top of this. This is not friendship, but rather someone who needs "power over" someone else. (You.)

Why does this person need to play dirty in order to get power over you? Hmmm. Something to think about.

Anyway, you are feeling discomfort (as you should) and i think you know [deep down], that a change is a comin' -- a boot out the door! Buh-Bye!

Do you have a counsellor you can talk to, for Support? Social Workers tend to have anti-oppression training and can give you ideas. They often have them at Hospitals, or thru an Emergency Room.

Keep your heart safe,

Emma

PS. You don't need this dork.

I have an analogy called the "poop sandwich" analogy, in reference to people like this.

You're hungry and someone gives you a sandwich. Accepting it and assuming they have good intentions towards you, you bite into the sandwich. You quickly realize, hey, this is a poop sandwich. You feel disgusting and betrayed.

The person says, "Ha, you dummy, you just bit into a poop sandwich," and proceeds to ridicule you and treat you like poop.

There are two ways of looking at this. You can agree that you're a dunderhead and feel ashamed because you ate the poop sandwich. You can think to yourself, I must really be worthless for someone to give me poop to eat. I guess I deserve poop -- and go on to keep eating it.

OR you can think, that person is an a&*hole because they gave me a poop sandwich. It's not my fault for thinking they would have, say, given me a bologna sandwich. What kind of jerk feeds someone a poop sandwich?

The real test comes when that person offers you another sandwich. You can accept it, eat it again, knowing full well that it's probably poop, but eat it, hoping that the person has finally seen your true value and worth and is about to give you something that will actually nourish you.

OR you can think to yourself, this jerk gave me a poop sandwich once, and I'm not falling for that same trick again, because he proved HE'S THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO IS HORRID ENOUGH TO GIVE SOMEONE A POOP SANDWICH TO EAT. "No thanks, dude, I'll find a sandwich someplace else."

Tell this guy to take his poop sandwich somewhere else.

LMAO poop sandwhich, I gotta remember that one

Excellent analogy.

It should come as no surprise that I'm the one who'd shove it back down their throats.

Glad to hear I wasn't the only one that would have gotten revenge for the poop sandwhich trick LOL