My wife of almost five years recently told me that she is seriously contemplating divorce. Stunned I was- like a kick in the nuts. I am ADHD, impulsivity & inattentive, she is not.

Among her many complaints was this one. "You can't control your behavior and it's a poor reflection on me." Specifically, it's my tendency to talk about so-called inappropriate topics, or to use foul language in polite company.

On the one hand, she's right- I can't control my behavior. On the other, I have made every effort to tone it down. I am in therapy and on meds (Adderall). She has told me- several times- that I am much better than I used to be, when I would be not only rude, but it could get personal.

What else can I do, short of saying nothing- ever? Because that seems like the only option I have left, and I am loathe to do that. It might make her happier, but it would make me miserable.

Do you have any kids?

If the answer is no....the best solution is to get out: NOW!
If the answer is yes...the best solution is to do 12 months of divorce planning and get out then. Either way: get out.

If she has a higher regard for the opinions of others than she does for your relationship you are already divorced. You're just torturing each other.

Life is too f_ing short to be with someone who is going ask you at the end of the day to kiss the same lips that have been chewing your *** out all day long.

I've been married twice and this second round I keep pushing myself to tolerate crap that I woulnd't let anyone else get away with....all in the name of sticking it out for my kids. In reality I'd rather be alone than with someone who is going to give me crap about who I am while at the same time NOT doing any self improvement on her own.

Get out. Get over it. Move on. Out of the millions of other people in the world that has to be at least one other person that is worth spending your life....if not, you're better off being alone.

Surely you had these traits before you were married? Did your wife marry you hoping you would change?

At any rate, "you embarrass me" seems like a pretty superficial reason to want to divorce. But I guess the obvious solution to that is to have separate social lives. You hang out with your friends, she hangs out with hers; and mix friends as little as possible.

Surely you had these traits before you were married? Did your wife marry you hoping you would change?

At any rate, "you embarrass me" seems like a pretty superficial reason to want to divorce. But I guess the obvious solution to that is to have separate social lives. You hang out with your friends, she hangs out with hers; and mix friends as little as possible.

Ok, forgive me for sounding cynical and stereotyping women...but what woman marries a man with complete acceptance of his every fault and absolutely never has the thought "I can change him"?

Please, step forward and let me know who you are.....

On that note everyone goes into a relationship with Rose colored glasses...especially ADD'ers. I'm sure the problem his wife has now is that he is on meds and is actually standing up for himself instead of taking any guff.
So, in order to keep the status quo she has to threaten him with divorce to get him to acquiesce.

Ok, forgive me for sounding cynical and stereotyping women...but what woman marries a man with complete acceptance of his every fault and absolutely never has the thought "I can change him"?

Please, step forward and let me know who you are.....The great mistakes women and men make getting married: she gets married thinking he'll change, he gets married thinking she won't. :)

On a more on-topic note... Yes, if she is threatening divorce yet still in the house, it does seem like she's trying to use divorce as "leverage." People, and ADDers probably more than most, generally don't like being leveraged. But on the other hand, don't they say that most people won't change until the status quo gets too painful to bear? So maybe she thinks it's for his own good, tough love, etc. etc.

I still say, separate friends. ;)

Okay, trying this again.

I don't want to get out, and I mean that sincerely. I was a little surprised by the vehemence of the responses, some of which seem to say more about you than me. Let me clear a few things up, so I can maybe get some more appropriate responses.

First, I don't know where you got the impression that she's abusive or manipulative, because she's not. In fact, she has the patience of a saint. When FightingBoredom wrote, I'm sure the problem his wife has now is that he is on meds and is actually standing up for himself instead of taking any guff, let me clarify that if anything I am less assertive and confrontational than I used to be.

My concern has more to do with how to cope when I think (realistically) that I am at the limit of what I can do- the meds will never cure me, there will never be a time when I can just let loose fully without fear of repercussion. One of the things that is very important to her is that her guests and loved ones are as comfortable- in every sense of the word- as possible. She has said (on more than one occasion) that I try to make people uncomfortable- by talking about sex, by cursing, by carrying on, etc. How can I show her that I really don't do those things on purpose, that even after someone tells me to knock it off, I don't necessarily realize that they are, in fact, telling me to knock it off? What is the cognitive equivalent a normal could comprehend? She agrees that I'm not malicious, that it's not personal, that I'm usually even funny- she's just not sure that it matters anymore.

As a sidenote, I should also note that one of our basic problems is that I don't feel I should have to rein myself in anymore than I already have. I rather like the way my mind works- getting from point A to point E without necessarily having to pass through B,C, and D; the instantaneous recollection of facts; the tangential analysis that "normals" just can't do.

Anyone with ADHD knows that there is tremendous upside to our brain wiring. I consider my ADD to be a major contributor to my career and my intellect, and I am really, really afraid that to iron out the problems in our relationship, I have to give up all those things that have made me me.

PS- She knows about this thread, and in fact knows what I have written. We still talk very often about our problems, and we have decided not to make any final decisions about our marriage until we have been through counseling, and I think she wants to stay married if we can fix it. I am willing to do anything short of a complete rewrite of my identity and individuality. This is why I need your help.

If you want to keep this marriage, I'd suggest you perhaps seek a marriage cousellor.
Maybe your wife's not wanting to divorce you because of your ADD, it may be something else altogther??

We have agreed not to make any decisions until we have spoken to a counsellor, and you are right- the ADD issues are not the only things going on.

I think they all correlate to each other, however. She's not so sure.

I am a big believer in wedding vows, like, "hey, we said 'til death do we part." My husband and I joke that the only way one of us is getting out is dead -- so watch your back (LOL).

I am the ADDer, my husband is the non-ADDer. If every marriage is difficult to navigate, the marriage between the ADDer and non-ADDer is ten times harder -- but I think it can be done!

Perhaps you could sit down with your wife and ask her why she married you. SERIOUSLY, it is probably a lot of the things that are driving her crazy now that attracted her in the first place.

It sounds like you really love your wife, and that she loves you, so I wouldn't recommend throwing in the towel just yet. However, it's an uncomfortable place to be to feel like you have to change the core of who you are in order to be loved and accepted. You are not going to change, fundamentally.

Your inappropriate behavior (in your wife's view) is swearing and talking about sex. Are you saying you absolutely cannot stop doing those things? Why do you do that in mixed company? Is it that you don't read social cues well? Or that you enjoy the impact that you have on others when you "shock" them?

Let me recommend a book to you called "Please Understand Me" by David Kiersey. It's about basic personality types and how they mesh and how they see the world. It has REALLY helped me understand my husband, who has a very different personality type than I do, and even helped me understand myself and why I react the way I do. It sounds like your wife is a Guardian (a type that is into tradition, routine, belonging, concrete) and you are an Artisan (a type that is impulsive and craves impact). Reading this book has helped me from trying to change my husband, and accepting that he is how he was built to be, whether I always like it or not!

Perhaps you could sit down with your wife and ask her why she married you. SERIOUSLY, it is probably a lot of the things that are driving her crazy now that attracted her in the first place.

It sounds like you really love your wife, and that she loves you, so I wouldn't recommend throwing in the towel just yet. However, it's an uncomfortable place to be to feel like you have to change the core of who you are in order to be loved and accepted. You are not going to change, fundamentally.

Your inappropriate behavior (in your wife's view) is swearing and talking about sex. Are you saying you absolutely cannot stop doing those things? Why do you do that in mixed company? Is it that you don't read social cues well? Or that you enjoy the impact that you have on others when you "shock" them?
Thank you for a reasoned reply! :)

As to your first point, during our premarital counseling with the minister, we separately did questionnaires about our relationship. One of the questions was "what do you love most/what drives you craziest?" She replied that loved my spontaniety, but hated the irresponsibility. The minister and I both laughed, which confused her, until he said "Aren't they the same thing? Don't they come from the same place?" More recently, she has said that she loves me because I make her laugh- also a product of the same parts of the brain.

As to the outbursts... it's complicated. I do not read social cues well, but I also (sincerely) don't believe I cross the line. I don't intend to shock people- and I truly surprised when I do. When I told a very close friend about the problems my wife & I are having, he said, "Well, yeah you tend to go over the top. But that's you- we're used to it."

Part of it is an intellectual belief- this is the postmodern era, previously held beliefs are getting shot down at an alarming rate (gay rights, gender, class- whatever). I genuinely believe that most sexual mores are just social constructs- always fluid, always changing. I do not think that talking about the things that I do should be offensive or should make people uncomfortable, and even when told point blank that I am making someone uncomfortable, I don't really understand that I am. It doesn't register, and I don't know when to stop. Honestly, anything less than "Shut the **** up!" doesn't register.

Why do I do it in mixed company? I do it in all company. Men, women, children, the Pope- doesn't matter. Because A) I don't recognize when I'm doing it (even after being told that I'm doing it), and B) I don't think it ought to matter.

Like I said, it's complicated.

I do not think that talking about the things that I do should be offensive or should make people uncomfortable,Hmm, the [sexual] things you do? Could these things you talk about include things you do with your wife? I can see how she would be upset by that.

IMO -- bottom line, you are behaving in a way that truly upsets your wife. Part of being married is compromise; even if you feel that it would change who you are, couldn't you just keep a clamp on it when you are with friends of your wife? And if that is really hard for you, as I said, get your own friends.

Another thing I think it's important to remember is that just because a given proposition seems obvious to us, and we can't imagine taking another position, that doesn't mean that other positions aren't valid. So just because you can't imagine why someone should be offended by explict sex talk, doesn't mean they don't have a valid reason for wanting it to stop.

Hmm, the [sexual] things you do? Could these things you talk about include things you do with your wife? I can see how she would be upset by that.

IMO -- bottom line, you are behaving in a way that truly upsets your wife. Part of being married is compromise; even if you feel that it would change who you are, couldn't you just keep a clamp on it when you are with friends of your wife? And if that is really hard for you, as I said, get your own friends.

Another thing I think it's important to remember is that just because a given proposition seems obvious to us, and we can't imagine taking another position, that doesn't mean that other positions aren't valid. So just because you can't imagine why someone should be offended by explict sex talk, doesn't mean they don't have a valid reason for wanting it to stop.
Generally, no I do not talk about our personal sex lives. I have talked about our sex life, but only at times when she was participating in the discussion. I've never talked about our sex life in the "Last night, I blanked her up the blanked and then blanked on her BLANKIN' BLANK!!!!" sense.

When I talk about such things, it is usually in any of the following contexts- 1) Work. I am a criminal defense attorney, and there's always some pervert who's committed something truly noteworthty. 2) When some obscure sex act is connected to the conversation, but only in the most remote, non-linear, tangential ADD sort of way. EXAMPLE- I have dropped the phrase "midget porn" into more conversations than you can imagine, always in a way that made sense- but only if you follow a meandering trail of connections, through several digressions, and with a layover through Billy Barty's final resting place. Or 3) frequent use of the f-bomb, in all its beautiful and varied forms.

And most of the time, I don't realize I'm doing it.

And I didn't mean to imply that they had invalid POV's. I understand intellectually and in retrospect that their feelings and opinions are valid. I just don't realize it with the other side of my brain in the moment that I'm doing it. My ability to read social cues is all f'd up. We were out to breakfast with a whole bunch of people once, and I was doing my usual thing. Apparently, EVERYONE was completely uncomfortable, and according to my wife their faces all showed it. I had no *******' idea.

I am trying to get this one thing under control, it ain't easy, though.

Hi Charlie~
First of all I would like to commend you on the fact that you & your wife are able to communicate and that you have told her about you posting this thread. Communication is so important in any relationship. I am sorry that you did not get the responses that you were looking for at first. Some people have gone through similar situations and do not want to see somebody else possibly go through the same.

I have been married for 13 years and I remember that I have always had the feeling of "oh geez I said the wrong thing AGAIN"

I want to wish you & your wife the best and please keep us updated.

Okay, I'm still laughing over the example of midget porn...I can see how this wouldn't be an appropriate topic for discussion, say at church, or a preschool holiday show...

Maybe if you have predetermined cues to equate to "shut the **** up" it would help you become more aware. You said your friends expressed that this is you, and they're used to it? Well, maybe they can help you become more aware of the times you are coming close to crossing the line. The people closest to you with the most patience/tolerance could signal you with something only you will understand. You can stop, take a verbal step back, and consider why it may not be appropriate. Try to jot this stuff down, when possible, or given your line of work--perhaps a minicassette recorder/journal? Look into any patterns. Ask for feedback on how it would be acceptable. If you recognize the behavior before it crosses the line (as it's heading in that direction) perhaps it will be easier for you to then begin to curb it?

I have no idea if this will work or not, Charlie. I do know that if I were with someone who was doing this, and they were actively working on change, and I loved them, I would want to work on changing myself/the relationship for the better, too. Perhaps this could also be a helpful tool in counseling?

Best of luck to you both!

Okay I have to step forward on this, because I always knew you can't change someone. Now I have a therapist telling me that I have to request the change I need..crazy but true.

I like the suggestion of separate social lives, but you can't always be separate in everything. At that point take a evening dose before you go out it helps.

However I have to agree that those traits where there. She should have seen them before now.

LOL, "midget porn?" OMG!!

Perhaps other people's sexual mores SHOULD be more open, in your opinion, but in truth we're living in an "adolescent" society in which any discussion of a sexually related topic -- ANY -- will result in 99% of people becoming offended or uncomfortable. Just assume 100% of the time that you will offend someone, and just don't talk about it! Despite the movements to liberalize people's points of view in this country, we're still most uptight.

I'm serious about getting the book "Please Understand Me" by David Kiersey. It's not a self-help book -- it's a reasoned, intellectual book based on the way people see the world (extrovert/introvert, intuitive/sensing, thinking/feeling, perceiving/judging) that will help you figure out some things about yourself and your wife that will probably astonish you.

For example, NTs (intuitive thinkers) are labeled "Rationals." Like you, they tend to discard social mores if they don't think they're applicable to themselves, and social standards/rules don't impress them if they aren't logical.

I agree with PP that your wife should have some sort of signal (scratching her ear with her index finger, something subtle) that means "YOU ARE STEPPING OVER THE LINE." If it'll save your marriage, why not?

Apparently, most people don't know about midget porn.

Yeah. It's porn. With midgets.

Anyway, my wife doesn't think that I would respond to a subtle cue, since there have been times when even "Please stop, you're making me uncomfortable" has gone over my head.

Amiegrace, I am intrigued by the book you recommended, particularly the ideas he has about personality types- especially since I am an ENTP, and what you wrote about fits me to a T.

I have also learned from some of the other threads here that I may be ODD as well. This would explain some of my other tendencies. I didn't realize that ADHD and ODD coexist so often.

In any event, we haven't given up yet- I think we can figure it out! :)

I agree with uminchu, relationships do involve negotiation and some behaviours on either side may need er...some adjustments, but that should be given some serious thought..you know, like pick your battles, right?

Fair enough, although it is always a pain to have to modify yourself. But you've offended she who is the most important person in your life, so that's important enough right?

Maybe it is something you agree on...e.g. perhaps you agree that your wife can give you a pre agreed upon cue either physical or verbal, and you agree that you will make a point of respecting that.

One idea to bang around anyway, maybe your counsellor will have others.

Good luck!

Charlie,
evidently you CAN put a lid on it when the stakes are there. As a defense attorny I'm sure you are not dropping the F bomb in court in front of judges and juries. You have trained yourself NOT to. As an attorney you have learned to use language to it's best effect or you wouldn't still be doing it.

What you need to figure out is the payoff that you get from dropping the sexual references and profanity into conversations. You're obviously bright, so on some level you are probably making references to many things during a conversation, and could drop them into the discussion just as well.

Perhaps it is an expression of your views on society strictures, or a reflection of what you work with on a day to day basis. We all talk about work in some way, and it does bleed over into our home lifes. If you want to compromise on this, I really think that a visual non-verbal cue may help, but only if you want to work on this with your wife.
You have to be willing to say that there are time when you are not going to speek like this because you know that it makes your wife crazy and others uncomfortable. All of this has to be important to YOU. I can make behavior plans for students all day long but if they don't want to change, it probably won't work.

I'm not saying that it will be perfect, but if you are really concerned about your wife's feeling on this and that you are pushing her way out of her comfort zone into embarrassment, you will eventually get it. Whether we like it or not there are societal rules that govern behavior. When your ideas differ from your spouse's it can cause probs, like now. There are times when this probably bother's her more than others.
Find out when that is and then start working on those areas. Maybe you can agree on a compromise on this.

I think it's hard to change after you've been married for a while, but people change and grow and so it's nessicary.

An NT, I am not surprised! Do you know what your wife is? If she is an NF (which is the usual matchup for an NT) no wonder she's horrified by your "insensitivity" to the mores of other people -- she's the quintessential sensitive heart! If she's an SJ, she'll be horrified because you're thumbing your nose at convention.

Are you sure you don't just blurt out the crazy stuff when you get bored? Do you sense that you're bored when you do such things? I know NTs chafe at boredom and chitchat more than any of the other types. Maybe you're just bored and on some level it's "fun" to shock other people.

I had thought of what one of the pp said -- surely in the midst of defending one of your clients, you're not like, "Aw F&*$ it Judge So-and-so, let the guy go!" How do you set limits at work?

Puzzling.

I had thought of what one of the pp said -- surely in the midst of defending one of your clients, you're not like, "Aw F&*$ it Judge So-and-so, let the guy go!" How do you set limits at work?

Puzzling.
Well, I've never said that on the record... I've come close. When I'm in court, however, the NT, rational, analytcial brain is fully engaged. I have to recognize objectionable testimony in an instant or else the issue is permanently waived.

I'm what they call an "issue spotter," meaning I pick up on abstract legal issues, and I do my best work picking apart the law of a case as opposed to the facts of a case. Even though I am a good public speaker- loud, clear voice, impeccable diction, etc- I tend to speak over the heads of juries, and even some of my colleagues. My legal writing is very good, however, because my particular skillset is better in writing- if there is something that the reader doesn't understand, they can go back and reread.

In other words, it's not that I have learned to regulate my behavior in court (because in quiet moments, or off the record, I have let some really embarrassing things slip). It's that when I'm in court, my brain is otherwise engaged.

An NT, I am not surprised! Do you know what your wife is? If she is an NF (which is the usual matchup for an NT) no wonder she's horrified by your "insensitivity" to the mores of other people -- she's the quintessential sensitive heart! If she's an SJ, she'll be horrified because you're thumbing your nose at convention.


Incidentally, she is an ENFJ. Right on.

Wow, I had a feeling she's an NF. I am too and we're pretty rare, but we tend to feel at ease and at home with NT's (who are also pretty rare) because they work in the "globals" like we do.

I understand your wife's problem, then. She's exquisitely attuned to the emotional atmosphere of a group of people and her happiness comes when she creates harmony and emotional comfort for others. If you are doing something that seems "beyond the pale" to her, and making others uncomfortable, it's very painful. She can't imagine doing such a thing to "hurt" others. And it's VERY hard for her to imagine that you don't know what you're doing, because subtleties in people's reactions are as obvious to her as a Mack truck barrelling through the room. We NF's think that everyone else has our sensitive antennae, even though they don't. Plus NFs tend to "meld" their self-image with their spouses. I know it sounds weird and irrational, but we tend to identify ourselves as "one" with our spouses -- so when they do something hurtful, we almost feel like we've done it ourselves.

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but is it possible that you have something like Tourette's, where you "blurt out" things almost like a vocal tic? Is this something that's been a problem since you were a kid? Do you blurt things out before thinking, or do you intentionally attempt not to blurt them out but feel "compelled" to do it?

Wow, I had a feeling she's an NF. I am too and we're pretty rare, but we tend to feel at ease and at home with NT's (who are also pretty rare) because they work in the "globals" like we do.

I understand your wife's problem, then. She's exquisitely attuned to the emotional atmosphere of a group of people and her happiness comes when she creates harmony and emotional comfort for others. If you are doing something that seems "beyond the pale" to her, and making others uncomfortable, it's very painful. She can't imagine doing such a thing to "hurt" others. And it's VERY hard for her to imagine that you don't know what you're doing, because subtleties in people's reactions are as obvious to her as a Mack truck barrelling through the room. We NF's think that everyone else has our sensitive antennae, even though they don't. Plus NFs tend to "meld" their self-image with their spouses. I know it sounds weird and irrational, but we tend to identify ourselves as "one" with our spouses -- so when they do something hurtful, we almost feel like we've done it ourselves.

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but is it possible that you have something like Tourette's, where you "blurt out" things almost like a vocal tic? Is this something that's been a problem since you were a kid? Do you blurt things out before thinking, or do you intentionally attempt not to blurt them out but feel "compelled" to do it?
I read your response to her over the phone, and immediately confirmed much of what you had written, including the idea that she sees herself as one with me, as well as her own sense of personal responsibility for my conduct. The melding of our identities reminds me of another of her complaints, that we seem to be leading separate lives. She travels a lot for business, so there are long stretches when we don't see each other, but even when she's home, we might very often be doing different things in different parts of the house.

I didn't understand until all this blew up that she thought was a problem. If this is closely linked to the way NF's see the relationship, I can understand it somewhat better- particularly since I do not consider myself melding into the relationship. We don't do everything together, but we're not joined at the hip, are we? We are two different people who share a life together. That's my take, at least. If what you are saying is that she feels We are a single unit, a couple, and our identity together is greater than either one of us alone, then I certainly understand much better some of her complaints. Is that what you meant when you talked about melding?

As to Tourette's, I don't think that's the case. For one thing, I don't really have tics, motor or verbal. My legs and hands do jitter and shake (a la my hyperactivity), but in a constant, rhythmical way- not in an intermittent way. As to the things I say, they are not tics at all. I may say socially inappropriate things, but they are always within the context of the larger conversation- they may be tangentially related, but I don't just stand up and shout "midget porn rocks!" (It doesn't, by the way. Kinda creepy, in fact.)

Having looked over the DSM for all the tic disorders, I don't think they fit.

It's hard to explain the "melding" thing to someone who isn't an NF, in particular an NT, to whom autonomy is one of the most important and descriptive characteristics of your personality makeup. NFs tend to "melt" themselves into the people they love. We introject them into our beings, and it's difficult for us to make a move without assessing on an intuitive level what that will mean to the other. It's not that we are trying to take the other person's individuality away . . . it's that we don't see a definite boundary between where we begin and the other person ends -- just like, as an intuitive, we see where seemingly disparate things overlap and coalesce into one another, where others see no connection whatsoever.

NFs tend to have very romantic worldviews. Whereas other types are content to mate for comfort, for similar interests, or for similar goals, NFs want the truly intimate relationship in which we feel comfortable sharing our visions, goals, loves, hates -- not only to share them, but that the other person deeply interested in our goals and aspirations. It's a desire for a mystical identification with the other person.

Which I don't think would be the easiest thing for an NT to comprehend, affixed as they are on the principal of autonomy. NTs (I quote from the book I mentioned) "allow no compromise when it comes to their own autonomy. They are the most self-directed and independent-minded of all the temperaments, and they resist (and resent) any and all forces that would coerce them into acting against their will, that would try to make them march to someone else's drum . . . . their resistance hardens against social or moral expectations that are means to control them . . . those rituals, manners, regulations, codes of conduct . . . that govern most social behavior . . . thus, if the Rational detect in their mates' messages even the slightest pressure to behave in a socially acceptable way, or to have a better attitude . . . they will balk and refuse to cooperate."

Wow, does that sound familiar?

I think NTs (my dad and little bro are NTs, as are several good friends, so I think I understand) are content to live SIDE BY SIDE with their partners, as long as they are smart and interesting (dumb or boring is the NTs "yuck") and respect their interests -- whereas NFs want to live FACE TO FACE with their partners, lovingly gazing at one another and supporting each other, ever interested in helping the other reach their full potentials.

Perhaps that will help your wife understand better where you are coming from.

Yesterday was a bad day.

We were out and about in the morning- church, lunch, shopping, etc- talking about our problems. How my family was a poor model for behavior; how issues of attitude and personality don't help; how my brain chemistry makes it even harder. She said I use ADD as an excuse, and she gave as an example her own story- how her father instilled all sorts of low self-esteem in her, and then one day she just decided not to belive it anymore.

Which said to me that she really doesn't understand what it's like.

Then after some more discussion, she exploded. She burst into tears and said, "I don't understand why YOU don't understand! I'm tired of trying to explain it you, and I'm angry, and I'm frustrated!"

I replied- calmly- that I don't understand it because emotions are sometimes foreign to me. My feelings are not easily hurt. I forget that sometimes other people's feelings can get hurt. I am socially awkward, have always been so, and really do not know when I have crossed a line.

When we got home, we went to separate rooms. While I watched football, she went to her favorite message board (http://www.letsjusttalk.com/) and wrote about this. One of her friends wrote back with an interesting question:

"Do you think he might have Asperger's?"

After some consideration, she concluded it was possible. I have a hard time reading social cues- facial expressions and body language. I have had an extremely difficult time making friends, and only a very few have become close. (All of them say the same thing, incidentally- that once you get past the socially inappropriate behavior and mannerisms, I'm a great guy.) I have encyclopedic knowledge of a couple topics, and am overwhelmingly quick at facts and figures from rote memorization.

I know that self-diagnosis is about as reliable as a British sports car, but I think I fit most of the DSM-IV criteria (http://ani.autistics.org/dsm4-aspergers.html)- and so does my wife. Most interestingly, Asperger's is very frequently misdiagnosed as (drumroll please)....

ADHD.

So I asked her how it would affect our circumstance if I had Asperger's. She said she didn't know. She said that she thinks another (or a different) diagnosis would just give me a different excuse- which I think demonstrates how little she gets neurological miswiring. Because whether it's Asperger's or ADD, my brain doesn't work the way hers does.

Charlie,
Consider getting a copy of Daniel Amen's book for her to read or look at. Although his research is not highly recognized because his results (which he does get) are not readily replicable by others who have not studied under him, The book had a bunch of SPECT scans showing some of the best pictures available of the ADHD brain. You may be able to find some online also. I think it will help your wife SEE what ADHD does to the brain; that it is neurological not a choice.

Here is also a link to a PBS site that has some video clips and exercises that help non- ADDers see what it's like. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/intro.html
This was posted in another forum section and I thought it was great.

Aspergers is a bit harder to diagnose in adults...especially if the pragmatic language problems are not evident. You may have learned coping skills for a lot of the issues. but look up the scans and you may be suprised on how that helps her realize how much nuerological disorders affect a person's thinking pattern.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22470

This might be helpful to you both if you get on speaking terms.

Please note this is non-ADD partner support section, just a friendly reminder to treat them there how you'd like them to treat you here.

Hey guy. For an ADHDer you certainly have very lucid thoughts. Get to the marriage counselor and work that angle vigorously. You need to be certain that you are really doing your best (maybe it's time for behavior modification training or and ADHD coach); if you're not doing your best then you can do more and be an even better man to your wife. If you really are at your best then your wife needs the help of a counselor to help her either accept your best or decide to move on; you need to be ready for both. Or maybe there is room for both of you; you to get even more self-control and her to exercise more acceptance.